SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror (31 page)

I sat up a little straighter, eager to read his response.
Oh, do tell.

Just before Miles could send a return text, Renee screeched, “Eek, we’re here!”

Raj parked the car on the street in front of a beautiful Victorian mansion. Even though it was dark outside, there were spotlights showcasing its beauty. The siding was painted a pinkish peach color while the cornices where painted green and white. There was a large round turret and windows in all shapes and sizes.

We exited the car and grabbed our luggage from the trunk. Miles, being the stud he was, carried my bag up the stairs and placed it on the gorgeous wraparound porch.

“This is so exciting.” Renee bounced up and down while clapping her hands. You would have thought she was a kid in a candy store.

“Okay, can you tone it down about three notches? You’ll scare off the ghosts,” I said.

“Oh my God. Do you think it’s haunted?”

I rolled my eyes, walked past her, and rang the doorbell. Someone inside opened the door and greeted us with a generous smile.

“Hello, welcome. You’re our first guests! I’m Sean, the innkeeper and your host for this weekend.” He held his arms out wide as if he were going to hug us all at once.

Sean was somewhere in his early fifties with salt and pepper hair. He had brown welcoming eyes and a long face that reminded me of a horse. His jaw had a few days of gray stubble. Sean was tall and lanky, maybe two hundred pounds soaking wet.

“Please, come on in. Let me help you with those bags.” He took our bags and set them in the entry. “Like I said, you’re the first ones here. Let me get my wife, Marie, and we can do some introductions.”

This gave me a minute to look around the room. It looked like a florist had a bad case of the flu and vomited flowers all over the place. Everywhere I turned I saw flowers—on the wallpaper, the rugs, and in vases all over the room. Looking at it made me dizzy. Although if I did puke, I’m sure no one would notice since the perfume from the flowers would mask the stench perfectly.

“Wow,” Miles whispered to me. “This is very—”

“Art Deco?” I added as I looked around and took in all the intricate designs.

“I was going with mortuary.”

“Welcome, welcome, welcome.” A female trotted from another room into the entryway. “I’m Marie, Sean’s wife, and your hostess for the weekend. We are so excited to have you here for a murderistic weekend.”

Marie hugged each one as if she had known us for years. It felt awkward to have that kind of intimacy with someone you didn’t know. It kind of reminded me of when my Aunt Beatrice, who I hadn’t seen in ten years, hugged me and told me I’d developed into a beautiful woman.

I leaned into Renee and said, “Is murderistic a word?”

“I wouldn’t know, I only teach the fifth grade. I believe it’s a high school word.”

Marie was a short middle-aged woman, maybe five three with heels. She had mousy brown hair that was somewhat curly and brown eyes to match. Marie wore an apron over her red top and floral ankle length skirt. Great, more floral.

“Well, I’m Raj, this is my girlfriend, Renee, and our friends Miles and Moxie.”

Marie looked at me as if I’d just grown three heads. “Moxie? Well, isn’t that a usual name.”

“My parents were hippies and continually high. They thought they put Margaret on the birth certificate,” I replied. Miles bumped me with his hip, and I decided I could behave for a while.

“Well, let me show you to your rooms while we wait for the others to get here. One of the gentleman called, saying he was lost, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer,” Marie said.

“Was the gentleman named Ryan?” I asked.

“I wasn’t quite sure. Another gentleman was screaming at him, calling him obscenities, so I couldn’t quite hear.”

“That would be Ryan and Tom,” I confirmed.

Marie led us up a squeaky wooden staircase to the bedrooms. After depositing Raj and Renee at their room, she led Miles and I down the hall to ours. Marie opened a door that could have used some WD40 in its hinges. Miles walked into the room first and I followed. The room was a decent size, but held a small four poster bed. This posed as a problem, considering Miles said I were bed hogs.

The room was decorated in shades of deep crimson The wallpaper was scarlet with shiny red imprints of flowers. The carpet was also red, but instead of flowers, it had specks of gold woven in. The portraits on the wall were of people from the nineteenth century. I doubted they were relatives of the owners, but instead purchased at Frames R Us. Next to the bed there was an antique oil lamp, probably a replica.

“I’ll let you two get comfortable and unpack. Sean or I will alert you when the other guests arrive, and we’ll meet in the sitting room,” Marie said before closing the door behind her.

I turned to Miles to say something sarcastic about the room, but he grabbed me so fast it almost knocked the wind of out me. He scooped me up in his arms and walked us over to the bed were he proceeded to throw me onto the mattress. The mattress made a loud squeaking sound when I landed; it was probably as old as the house.

Miles hovered over me and braced his arms on each side of my head. I could feel some growth when his groin rubbed against me.

“Miles, there’s no need to be afraid. I’ll hold your hand during the scary parts,” I said with a sly smile.”

“Oh the only person who should be scared here is you. You were very naughty in the car and need a good spanking.”

“Whatever do you mean, Mr. Dane?” I tried to do my best southern belle impersonation, even pretending to fan myself for extra effect.

Miles rolled us over so I was on top of him. He gripped my ass in both hands and squeezed hard. But then he surprised me and slapped one of my ass cheeks. Maybe I should have been pissed, but holy hell, it was such a turn on. Before I could retaliate there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, Miles and Mox, we’re wanted in the sitting room,” Renee called.

I dropped my head into the crook of Miles’s neck and whined, “Can’t we just have sex all weekend? We can role-play. You be Hannibal Lector, and I’ll be the woman you want to eat… You can start with my pussy.”

Miles chuckled as he rolled out from under me and pulled me up from the bed. “Don’t think you’re off the hook, Miss Summers. I’ll get you, my pretty.”

“And my little pussy, too,” I cackled as we left the room to join the other guests.

Miles and I
walked down the wooden staircase met Ryan and Tom at the bottom. Ryan look devilishly handsome as always, reminding me of the time I hit on him and subsequently found out he was gay. The dark jeans and V-neck sweater did it for me every time. Tom had a few years on Ryan when it came to age and was starting to gray at the temples. He said Ryan was making him go gray from all the shit he caused, like leaving dirty dishes out on the table.

When Miles and I approached them, they were still amid the argument from the car.

“I told you we should have turned at Spruce Street, but you insisted on going straight. And now we’re late.” Tom huffed.

“I would never insist on anyone going straight,” Ryan said, winking.

“If you kept your damn hands out of my crotch then I could have paid attention to the damn road.”

“Right. ‘Please don’t give me a hand job’ said no man ever,” Ryan said in a mocking voice.

“I don’t like to do shit like that in the car. It makes a mess everywhere,” Tom continued to argue.

“Ah yes, how can I forget my OCD boyfriend and his frantic need to keep everything in order.”

Ryan turned to Miles and I. “I would have taken it in the mouth anyway.”

Miles coughed at Ryan’s statement. “Okay, then. On that happy note, let’s we meet Raj and Renee in the sitting room.

“Good, I need a drink.” Ryan sped past Miles and I into the sitting room.

I whispered close to Miles, “Seems like everything isn’t kosher under the rainbow.”

“Seems to be a love-hate relationship,” he said.

“Yeah, Ryan loves Tom, and Tom hates all the crumbs Ryan makes.” I laughed.

In the sitting room Sean and Marie served wine and appetizers, and my heart started to pound and I started to shake.

“Moxie, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, she’s fine,” Renee said. “When she gets into a room full of appetizers, she goes into a seizure-like state because she doesn’t know which one to try first.”

“It’s just so… overwhelming. Pigs in blankets, assorted cheese. Is that a relish tray? Get the defibrillator, stat!”

“We always said if we quit teaching, we would start a restaurant that only served appetizers. We’d call it Appiteasers,” Renee continued.

“Can you imagine? A restaurant that had jalapeño poppers, egg rolls,
and
spinach artichoke dip? It’s like an orgasmic smorgasbord,” I added.

The doorbell rang, and we all looked toward the entryway as Sean moved to open the door.

“Welcome!” Sean greeted the new guests. “You’re just in time to mingle.”

A woman missing ninety percent of her clothing and didn’t look a day over twelve walked in. She wore booty shorts, although they showed more booty then shorts. On top of her nice-sized breast she wore a Clash T-shirt under a leather motorcycle jacket. The outfit was completed by cowboy boots and a straw cowboy hat. She had, from what I could tell, dark brown hair that lightened to blond at the tips.

Next to her was, what I assumed, her date for the weekend. He looked like he’d just crawled out of the cradle too. He wore a wife-beater and jeans that sagged way past his ass. He was probably five eleven and wore a White Sox hat with the shiny MBL sticker firmly attached to the visor.

“I didn’t realize we were babysitting this weekend,” I whispered to Renee.

“If I ever have a daughter walk out of the house looking like that, I’ll shoot her.”

“It will be too late because I would have already shot you for raising a daughter like that. That would be something from my loins, not yours.”

I peeked at Miles to see if he was enjoying the
bootyful
view, but he was deeply engrossed in conversation with Raj about the Cubs. Good man I had there.

Sean walked over with our newest guest. “Everyone, I would like to introduce Destiny and Sam.”

All six of us waved to our new arrivals as the doorbell rang once again.

“That must be our last arrival, excuse me,” Sean said as he darted back to open the door.

Meanwhile Sam left Destiny’s side and sauntered up to me. “Hey, I’m Sam. And what is your name, fair maiden.”

I looked around to see if there was a girl dressed in a princess costume with one of those tall cone hats and streamers coming out. But Sam’s gaze was directed at me.

“I’m taken,” I said with a rush.

“I would only assume,” he said with a wink.

“My boyfriend Miles is over there talking with the British Indian guy. He’s very tall and fierce. Oh, and he’s territorial. Likes to mark me with pee and all,” I added. I usually didn’t get nervous around anyone, unless they were threatening to discontinue Snicker bars, but there was something about Sam that made my skin crawl. Maybe it was because he looked like he hadn’t washed his hair since the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Mmm, kinky. I like it.”

“Umm, isn’t that you’re girlfriend.” I pointed to Destiny.

“We don’t use labels. We are always opened to new adventures,” he said, eyeing me as if I were a piece of prime rib and he were a lion.

“Yo, dipshit,” Destiny called to Sam. “Stop waving your dick around and help me get the bags upstairs.”

“Dipshit is her nickname for me,” he said, giving me a toothy grin. He did a full body scan of me before helping Destiny carry their stuff to their room.

Renee looked at me, “What was that?”

“That was an uncomfortable moment.”

“Kind of like when you have to take a crap and the only place around is McDonald’s? And then you plug up the toilet and don’t tell anyone because you’re utterly embarrassed?”

I turned to her. “Did that happen?”

“Totally hypothetical,” she replied.

“Well, howdy, y’all!”

Renee and I turned our attention to our newest arrivals. A stunning raven-haired beauty came prancing into the room. She was dressed in a cream, silk shirt that was buttoned low showing her ta-tas, which were too perky to be considered natural. This was paired with black straight-leg pants and fuck-me shoes. That wasn’t what caught my eye, though. This woman was dripping in jewels. I had to snap my mouth shut because my mouth hung open so big I could have caught hundreds flies in it. I seriously considered getting my sunglasses because all her bling was making my eyes hurt.

Walking in behind her was a white-haired man who had to be double, if not triple her age. He was dressed in a tweed sports coat, slacks, and white button down shirt. He too had a very interesting accessory: something that looked like a furball a cat threw up. The object moved in the man’s arms and let out a bark, which sounded more like a shriek.
Fantastic!