Shelter (27 page)

Leaning over the railing, looking out into the dark water, Elias scattered the tiny pieces of his drug test, unsure of why he had clung onto it for so long. Late night fishing boats dotted the horizon, the beam from the lighthouse illuminating them as they bobbed up and down on the waves. Elias wondered what it would be like to live out alone at sea where nobody could hurt him;
and where I couldn’t hurt anybody.

A six-pack of beers sat next to his foot but he hadn’t opened one. After smashing his emergency stash of vodka, he felt like he needed to replace it and for once he didn’t go for the strongest thing in the shop. He still couldn’t bring himself to drink it. Alcohol had never been his addiction but it worked at calming his mind. That’s all he wanted it for.
I want to forget seeing Caden holding somebody else’s hand.

The day should have turned out very differently. Elias had gained his official sober status, he had gained back his nephew and sister’s trust but he felt like he had lost so much too. It wasn’t until the tears tumbled off his chin that he even realized he was silently crying.

Reaching down, he picked up one of the beers. He dangled it over the edge of the railing, staring at the shiny label under the moonlight. It didn’t excite him, it left him feeling empty but he still used the jagged metal that he was leaning against to pop off the metal cap. With a soft plop it sunk into the water below, disappearing into the darkness.

The beer was warm and bitter, not at all like he remembered. It reminded him of old socks and after a couple more mouthfuls, he sent the bottle crashing into the water to rejoin its cap.

“You’re supposed to drink that,” a familiar voice made him jump back from the railing, “or are you craving something stronger?”

Why Rigsy was walking towards him wearing all black, he didn’t know and he wasn’t sure he cared that much.

“I’m not in the mood for you,” Elias’ voice was croakier than expected.

Ignoring him, Rigsy approached and leaned against the railing next to Elias. After kicking open the bag, Rigsy grabbed one of the beers without asking and quickly popped off the cap with his bare hands.

“I was passing and I saw you,” Rigsy offered the information before Elias had time to ask, “planning to jump over the edge?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Can’t a man ask a question around here?” Rigsy darted his brows playfully, the mouth of the bottle resting against his tongue.

“Just get out of here, Rigsy. I’m not playing your games.”

They stared at sea together, a cold blanket wrapping around Elias’ shoulders as the night turned colder. He would have grabbed his jacket but he hadn’t been thinking. The port hadn’t been his first destination but it’s where he found himself when he stopped walking. It felt like he was standing on the edge of Havenmoore and it still didn’t feel far enough away from the heart of the town.

“I thought you’d had it all figured out now that you’re clean. Trouble in paradise?” Rigsy asked, “Or has that new man of yours realized you’re crazy?”

“How did you know about him?”

“I know everything,” he winked playfully, “I have eyes all over this town.”

“You sound like somebody else I know,” he mumbled bitterly to himself.

“Want to talk about it?” Rigsy tossed the empty beer bottle as far out to sea as he could before stuffing his hands in his pockets and turning to face Elias properly.

“We were never friends,” Elias laughed, “don’t pretend like we were. Why are you here?”

“I told you, I was passing and I saw you.”

Elias looked out to where the wooden jetty rejoined the sidewalk and he knew it was possible that Rigsy could have seen him. The majority of the port was pretty well lit, which he guessed were for the surveillance cameras watching the boats and the large, metal containers.

“If you’re not trying to jump, why are you here?” Rigsy asked.

“I don’t know,” Elias mumbled, “I should go home.”

“Wait,” Rigsy reached out and grabbed Elias’ arm, “I lied, I was looking for you. Shareen, my girl, she kicked me out. Somebody told her about some of the stuff I’ve done. I came to find you to see if you’d told her but it wasn’t you.”

“How do you know it wasn’t me?”

“Because I know you,” Rigsy smiled, biting his plump and dark lip with his almost too white teeth, “and you can’t lie, kid, not to me. We go way back.”

“For all the wrong reasons,” Elias pulled away from Rigsy’s soft grip, “I need to go.”

“Let me drive you,” Rigsy offered, “my car is close. It’s late and this town isn’t as safe as people pretend.”

Elias should have known not to get into Rigsy’s car but he was a familiar face and for once, he didn’t want to be on his own. When they pulled up outside of his apartment and Rigsy asked if he could come up for a beer, Elias nodded and led the way, unsure of what was happening. With shaking fingers, he found his keys deep inside of his pocket and instantly dropped them on the ground. With a deep laugh, Rigsy bent down and picked them up for him. He leaned into Elias’ side, opening the door for him. The bitter beer was hot on his breath, tickling his neck in the cold night.

The door opened and he hurried inside, letting Rigsy follow him. When he was in his apartment, he half hoped that he would find Caden there but it was as empty and dark as he had left it.

“What happened in here?” Rigsy pulled back his hood to reveal that his dark Afro hair had been cut right back to his scalp.

“I took out my anger on the TV,” Elias turned on the table lamp sitting next to the couch, “we won’t be able to watch anything, so if you want to go, you can.”

“I didn’t come to watch TV,” Rigsy whispered, closing the door behind him.

Elias felt trapped in his own apartment. It wasn’t the sip of vodka or the two sips of beer that had invited Rigsy into his apartment, it was his own stupidity. One of the counselors at the rehab center had once said that Elias was his own saboteur and he was finally starting to see why. From the plastic bag, he grabbed one of the beers and handed it to Rigsy, opting for a can of soda from the fridge for himself.

“Soda?” Rigsy laughed, “Who are you and what have you done with the Elias I know? Have a beer.”

“I’m fine,” he cracked open the soda, “I’m not drinking.”

“Why buy beer?”

“Because I’m weak and I’m selfish.”

“It’s not selfish to want to forget,” Rigsy sat on the couch, putting his feet on the glass coffee table.

Elias wasn’t sure he agreed. He had spent the best part of a decade trying to forget the emptiness within.
I could have used that time to do so much with my life
. He sat next to Rigsy, leaving enough of a gap between them. The way Rigsy kept looking at him with soft doe eyes made something stir within. It was only a fragment of the way Caden had made him feel but Caden had his New York boy.
Maybe I should be selfish?

When Rigsy asked what had happened with his boyfriend, Elias reached for a bottle of beer and cracked off the cap, ready to let everything flow.

***

Caden arrived at Ellie’s, expected to be greeted by the locked gate but it was open with slowly deflating balloons hanging from a birthday banner.

“Caden?” Ellie was in the kitchen with a glass of wine firmly in her grip, “If you’re here for the party, you’re a little late. John’s just picked up Kobi.”

“I’m not,” Caden was practically panting from running across town, “it’s Elias, I think something is going to happen and I can’t find him. Have you seen him?”

Ellie told him that Elias had been to the party but had left early to find him. An elevator dragged his heart down to the deepest pits of his stomach, forcing him to grab onto the edge of the counter. His imagination was playing tricks on him, torturing him with reasons why he had never found him.

“It’s the mayor,” Caden’s voice was shaking, “I think I saw her talking to a drug dealer. I think she’s trying to set Elias up for something, I just don’t know what.”

Ellie didn’t ask any more questions. She grabbed her keys from her purse and headed straight for the door. Caden didn’t ask how many glasses of the nearly empty bottle of wine she had drank, but he knew she was their best chance of finding Elias before Rigsy did.

***

“It was my own fault,” Elias tried to take another sip but he had already finished the bottle without realizing it, “I drove him back to his ex. I told him to go, I just never thought he would. I thought he’d try and fight. I thought if I gave him some space, some time, he’d want to talk to me. I don’t know why. I’m nothing special. Mr. New York is practically a model. I hope they’re happy together.”

“No you don’t,” Rigsy reached his hand over the back of the sofa, the soft glow of the bulb licking his dark skin warmly, “you want them both to be miserable.”

“No, I want him to be happy,” Elias’ eyes glazed over as he imagined what Caden and Finn were doing right at that second, “even if it’s not with me.”

“You mean that?”

“Yeah,” it hurt to say it, “I love him enough to know that I’m no good for him.”

“Love?” Rigsy laughed, “Overrated.”

“Don’t you love your girlfriend? Your baby?”

Rigsy’s eyes narrowed on him and Elias was sure that a nerve had been hit, “What’s love got to do with it?”

“Tina Turner?”

Rigsy chuckled softly, his fingers reaching closer to Elias across the sofa, “You’re funny. That’s what I always liked about you. You have lip.”

“Lip?”

“Attitude,” Rigsy sipped his beer, the liquid wetting his lips, “you were never afraid of me. That’s why I liked you.”

The more Rigsy told Elias that he had always liked him, the more he was starting to believe it. Would it be so bad if they ended up in bed together?
Of course it would
. He knew it would be like crawling into bed with the devil and selling his soul. For what? A cheap thrill?
It won’t make you stop thinking about him. It won’t fix your breaking heart. You’ll have to face it sooner or later.

“You kept me around because I was good for business,” he said, “I sent people your way when they needed a fix.”

“That wasn’t just it,” Rigsy shook his head softly, “we had some good times, didn’t we?”

“Did we?” Elias couldn’t remember any.

“Remember that club I took you to in the city?”

Elias vaguely remembered something but he didn’t remember having much fun. He remembered doing four lines in a dirty bathroom and then finding himself on his knees in front of Rigsy as a thank you.

“Drugs. That’s all we have in common.”

“That’s not all,” Rigsy gripped his thick bulge in his jeans, “there were other things.”

“It always came back to drugs.”

“We’re not doing drugs right now,” Rigsy’s fingers finally connecting with the side of Elias’ face, freezing him.

At first, they softly touched his cheek but they didn’t move. They were cold to the touch and they confused Elias. When they started to move in small circles, brushing against his dark stubble, he felt dizzy.

“I need to use the bathroom,” Elias stood up, “that beer has gone right through me.”

Locking himself in the bathroom, he leaned against the door. On the floor, Caden’s clothes were mixed in with his own.
What am I doing?
Rigsy may have been the one to stroke his face but Elias had let him in to his apartment. In Rigsy’s eyes, that was probably an invitation into his pants. Letting go of the door, he walked slowly over to the mirror, taking in his own reflection. A normal guy with dark hair and piercings stared back at him. There were signs of sleep deprivation under his hazel eyes, but he looked normal. Isn’t that what he had always wanted? He didn’t feel very normal. He felt broken. Closing his eyes, he could see Caden holding Finn’s hand again, making him grip the edge of the sink. How could he move on so fast?
Did he really love me?

Leaning over the sink, he felt the beer about to repeat on him. On reflection, he didn’t even know why he drank the beer. He thought it would be easier to talk about Caden and he thought that would make it easier to move on. It hadn’t done either. All it did was make him feel guilty for attempting to alter his mind with external things.
I thought I was over this dumb game.