She Sins at Midnight (17 page)

Creigh hung up the phone and looked at Will. “It’s all going according to plan. Now all we have to do is trust Melinda to be Melinda and hopefully this nightmare will end very soon.”

Will approved, “It’s a good plan, Creigh." It’s that there are just so many variables I’m not going to rest any easier until I see it in motion.”

Creigh agreed whole heartedly with Will’s assessment of the situation. That’s why he picked up the phone and made one more very important call.

J
illy dropped the kids off with her mother and then made a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things. While standing in the checkout line, her eyes were drawn to the cover of “The Tell All Tattler.” What she saw nearly made her choke. The entire cover was a picture of Lila sitting in a black suit behind what must have been her desk at work. It was obvious to Jilly the photo had been stretched to make her friend look twice her normal size. She could tell because the coffee cup on the desk had been stretched too, and it looked like something right out of a Salvador Dali painting. The headline read;

Hollywood Assistant, Lila Montgomery, is rumored to be trying to hire a hit on starlet Melinda Forrester. Montgomery, a want-to-be actress herself, is reported to have gone off the deep end when Forrester offered to have her co-star in her next film. Witnesses recall Montgomery screamed, “Co-star? I should be the star!” It was reported that later that day, Montgomery was seen letting the air out of Forrester’s tires. Montgomery, a very zaftig woman of robust proportions has never been able to “make it” in Hollywood due to her plump proportions. Eyebrow-waxer to the stars, Nastacia, heard Montgomery threaten to “have Melinda whacked.” Police are investigating. Apparently Montgomery is so ashamed of her size that she sews size 8 labels into her size 22 clothes. This reporter has learned that Montgomery’s weight is currently hovering around the 275 pound mark.

Jilly was astonished by the unbelievable array of lies in the article. The only facts were Lila’s name and occupation. She picked up every copy of “The Tattler” she could find and dumped them into her cart. She steered the cart around produce and through the door of the ladies’ room where she spent the next half hour locked in a stall ripping out the article about her friend. When she finally emerged, she paid for her groceries and high-tailed it over to the Montgomery’s house.

S
omething had been bothering Lila all day, but she couldn’t seem to put her finger on it. It had something to do with Amalgamated Artists. Well, of course there was the fact that she had been fired, but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t until Josh called her later that day that she remembered what it was. Lila picked up the phone to hear her very smug ex-boss say, “Hello Lila. You’ve been a very busy girl, haven’t you?”

Lila sarcastically answered, “That’s right Josh. I’ve been hard at work ruling my little kingdom of naked people. I’m so glad that you noticed.”

Josh laughed, “I’m not talking about that.”

Lila didn’t want to play games, so she asked, “What are you talking about?”

There was a pregnant pause before he answered, “I’m talking about the contents of your desk. I just cleaned it out for you this morning.”

“So?” Then it hit her, her desk! The letter from Mitzie about
She Sins at Midnight
hitting the Best Seller’s list was in her desk. Hoping against hope that Josh didn’t actually read it, she said, “Go ahead and send everything to my parent’s house.”

Her boss offered, “Of course I’d be glad to.” Then he added, “But just so you know, I did have to read through everything. We can’t have you in possession of any agency secrets, after all.”

Trying to remain calm, she asked, “And?”

“And it would appear that you have some secrets of your own. I have my new assistant picking up a copy of your masterpiece as we speak. It sounds like it’ll be quite titillating.”

Lila tried to brave it out and say, “I’m sure you’ll love it, Josh. You might find Baron Bratwin rather fascinating. I patterned him after you.”

Josh replied, “I can’t wait.” He added, “There was also a copy of your contract with Mitzi Feinman in the drawer as well. I was astonished that you were so adamant about writing under a pen name. I would think that you’d want the whole world to know that you wrote a book.”

Lila cut Josh off, “What do want Josh?”

“First off,” he said, “There will be no wrongful termination suit against Amalgamated. Got it? Next, you forget everything that you know about me and my social life.”

Lila wished she could shove her arm through the phone and wring Josh’s neck. “You’re blackmailing me?”

Josh laughed sardonically, “Let’s not call it that, hm? Let’s call it two friends keeping each other’s secrets for the mutual good.”

Lila wanted to scream. She calmed down long enough to say, “Fine Josh, but the very second someone finds out about my book, I will be placing a very informative phone call to your wife.”

Josh replied, “I would expect nothing less. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment.” On that note, he hung up.

Lila’s heart was beating a million miles an hour. She couldn’t believe that Josh was actually blackmailing her with her own book. For about the millionth time in the last week, she wished she had never written it. If only she could just tell everyone the truth about her alter ego. But she knew there was no way she could without shocking the hell out of them. Even with as racy as her mother had become, Bitsy would drop dead if she discovered what her only daughter spent her free time doing.

For a brief moment, Lila considered how bad it would actually be if her family found out her secret. After all, the tabloids had already started to paint her as the villain in the whole feud with Melinda. One scandal sheet even went so far as to print that “witnesses” saw Lila sit on Melinda’s head and try to smother her with her enormous rear end. Lila delighted at the image and promised to try that maneuver the next time she saw Melinda.

Lila had suffered through three full days of what felt like house arrest when she made the decision that the muckrakers were no longer going to hold her hostage in her own home. She worked it out with Jilly that her friend would come over wearing a very distinctive outfit. Jilly would bring an identical one in Lila’s size so she could change into it and leave the house, impersonating her friend. Even though there was a four inch height difference between the two, they hoped that the paparazzi wouldn’t notice the switch.

Jilly showed up at the Montgomery’s in a bit of a dither. She parked so close to the front door that she ran over the hydrangeas. When she walked into the house, Lila’s jaw dropped. Jilly was wearing a hot pink jogging suit, that was miles too long, with a bright orange baseball cap covering her hair and electric blue sunglasses that were so big that she looked like a pulp fiction character. The Fly came to mind.

When Lila finally found her voice, she asked, “What in the world are you wearing?”

Jilly took off her hat and sunglasses and replied, “It’s brilliant, right?”

Her friend managed, “If by brilliant you mean so bright you could blind someone, then yes, bravo.”

“No, no,” Jilly interrupted, “I saw this show on the Discovery channel once about spies and the disguises they wear. The idea is that the person who looks like they’re trying to fade into the woodwork, probably has something to hide. Therefore, the best way to hide is to look like you’re not trying to. Follow?”

Lila laughed, “I get it, no one is going to expect Lila ‘psycho’ Montgomery to be driving around town dressed like she just escaped from the booby hatch, but they would expect her to try to sneak out in a black sweat suit and ski cap, ala cat burglar.”

Jilly beamed, “Exactly! Where are you planning on going, anyway?”

“I don’t know, probably the club. I feel safest there because they won’t let any of the press in.”

Jilly unzipped her sweat suit and proceeded to take it off in the kitchen. Astonishingly, she was wearing an identical one underneath it; with one difference. The one underneath wasn’t too long. Lila had to admire her friend’s degree of planning. She almost expected her to suggest a code phrase like, “The kangaroo is constipated,” or “Captain Crunch has the shingles.”

Out of her grocery bag, Jilly pulled out a matching pair of sunglasses and even a pair of sneakers in a size 9. As soon as Lila looked like Jilly’s evil twin, Bitsy walked into the kitchen and gasped, “Holy shit, you two look atrocious. But good job, Jilly, I’m guessing you caught ‘The Mata Hari Mystery Hour’ on Discovery?”

Bitsy and Jilly had the shared interest in actually watching television to learn things. This hobby made them the keepers of a bizarre array of unusual knowledge. For instance, they knew how to fall out of a plane without a parachute and live to tell the tale. They had both watched the three hour special on how to land a commercial airliner, should some set of outrageous circumstances require them to do so and they had an alarming understanding of pumas.

Jilly handed Lila her car keys, assured her the gas tank was full and wished her luck. Lila bid farewell to the spy sisters and told them she’d be back in a couple of hours. What with having no bat signal, she also suggested they call or text her should they need to get in touch.

Lila’s heart raced in double-time as she walked out of her house and got into Jilly’s minivan. She didn’t see anyone in the front yard and had a brief hoped she had finally become yesterday’s news. She was beyond ready to put the whole sordid mess behind her.

The biggest disappointment of all was the fact Creigh hadn’t tried to contact her to explain the scene with Melinda. She wasn’t sure she’d believe him either way. But the fact he didn’t even try, confirmed his guilt in her eyes. He was just another Hollywood player thinking with his “boy-wonder.”

On the way to the club, Lila decided to stop by the market to see if she was still on the cover of any of the tabloids. She parked in a space right near the entrance and rather confidently walked though the electric doors. Before she even had the chance to check out the magazine rack, a pimply faced teenager in an orange smock called out, “That’s her!”

Lila spun around to see who the kid was talking about when she was met by two police officers in navy uniforms. The taller one grabbed her arm and informed her, “You have the right to remain silent, blah, blah, blah…”

Astounded, Lila asked, “Excuse me, why are you arresting me?”

Little Blue answered, “You’re being arrested for vandalism.”

“Vandalism? But I haven’t even left my house in three days. What could I have vandalized?”

Big Blue informed her, “You were seen entering the ladies’ room of this store earlier today with a cart full of newspapers. When you exited, all sixty-four “Tattlers” were discovered missing their first three pages.”

Lila’s synapses weren’t all firing, so she explained, “But I was home. Why would you think that it was me?” As she asked the question, she noticed Big Blue checking out her ensemble and all of a sudden the picture was in focus. Jilly had been to the market right before coming to her house and the two of them had to be the only people in Bentley dressed as neon psy-fi characters. Jilly must have seen the cover of the rag, taken offense and attempted to fix any wrongdoing by ripping the story out. While Lila admired her friend’s wily criminal bent, she was not looking forward to taking the fall for her offense. No wonder Jilly wanted to know where she was going. Had Lila said the grocery store, she could have been warned away.

Big Blue asked Lila for her name and when she gave it to him, he took off his sunglasses and exclaimed, “Lila Montgomery? I heard you were back in town.”

Lila looked at her captor and replied, “Johnny Bittner? How are you?” Johnny was the younger brother of Shelly Bittner, a girl that Lila and Jilly used to hang out with in grade school. She proceeded to tell Johnny her hypothesis of what must have happened with the tabloids and then she offered to pay for all of the papers.

Little Blue interrupted, “Sorry Ma’am, we’ve already read you your rights. It’s up to the judge now.”

Johnny pleaded Lila’s case, “Listen Darin, there’s no harm done if we let her pay for the damages. That’s all the store wants anyway.”

Darin, the scummy weasel retorted, “I said no. A crime has been committed and we’re taking her in.”

Johnny gave Lila an apologetic shrug and said, “Sorry Li, he’s the boss.”

Little Blue went so far as to re-read Lila her rights as he handcuffed her, then put his hand on top of her head and pushed her into the back of the squad car. It was a scene right out of Cops! Lila thought, “Bad girl, bad girl whatcha gonna do? Watcha gonna do when they come for you?”

The whole time this was going on, Johnny was saying, “You don’t have to cuff her. It’s just a little vandalism. Are you crazy?”

As the squad car pulled out of the parking space, Lila looked up to see a photographer capturing the moment for posterity. So much for getting out of the house undetected. By the time they arrived at the police station, there were four more paparazzi waiting to immortalize the moment. Lila couldn’t figure out how they all knew where she was until she heard Johnny say, “For Pete sake Darin, you didn’t have to use her name when you called this in.”

Darin looked very pleased with himself and got out of the car in slow motion, just in case anyone wanted to take his picture. Then at an even slower pace, he proceeded to pull Lila out of the backseat and lead her to the station house.

The scene was right out of a made for TV movie. Lila had a powerful urge to play the part of the wrongfully accused and yell out, “This is just a ruse to draw your attention away from the real crime. The children are being smuggled across the border. Please, help the children!!!” That was the moment when she realized she had lived in L.A. too long. The line between reality and fantasy was seriously starting to blur.

Expecting to be fingerprinted, photographed and booked, Lila was surprised when Captain Fenton asked, “Miss Montgomery, wouldn’t you rather pay for the damages than go to jail?”