Shattered Justice (40 page)

Jayce appreciated that. He didn’t understand it, but he appreciated it. “Come in.”

Dan stuck his head in. “Time for tonight’s reading. You want to join me or take a break?”

Jayce slid off the bed. “I’ll come listen.”

The first time Dan had suggested they read the Bible together before bedtime, Jayce thought he was kidding. “The Bible?”

Dan kind of shrugged. “Hey, if you’d rather not, that’s fine. It’s just …” He looked away, that sad look coming over his face again. “Aaron and Shannon and I used to do that. Read together.”

That was all it took. “Sounds like a good idea.”

Dan eyed him. “Really?”

“Really.” Jayce grinned at Dan’s surprise. “Let’s do it.”

At first Jayce did it to help Dan, thinking maybe he’d miss Aaron and Shannon just a little less if they read together. But soon he found he really enjoyed it. In part because he liked talking things over with Dan. But also just because he liked hearing what was in the Bible. It was interesting. A little hard to understand, sometimes, but it said good things. Things that made him think. And things that made him feel good.

The last part made him follow Dan to the living room. He needed to feel better tonight. He was tired of feeling like a hypocritical crud.

Dan settled into his chair, and Jayce took his spot on the couch. He closed his eyes, listening as Dan read.

“Okay. We were in 1 John. Chapter four …”

“Verse sixteen.” Jayce cracked one eye open and saw Dan’s smile.

“Good memory.”

He grinned, closed that eye again, and settled back.

“ ‘We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in him. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear.”

Jayce opened his eyes. “All fear?”

Dan stopped. He looked down at the page, read the words again, then gave a slow nod. “Yeah, that’s what it says.”

Jayce sat on the edge of the couch. “But, I mean, people are afraid all the time.”

“Well, he kind of addresses that. Listen. ‘If we are afraid, it
is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us.’ ”

Judgment. Jayce understood judgment. Understood it and knew he deserved it.

“You want to talk about this?”

Jayce did, more than anything, but he couldn’t. Not yet. He stood. “I think I need to just think for a while. That okay?”

Dan studied him, and Jayce thought he might object. Instead he just said, “Sure. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“G’night.”

Dan’s voice followed him down the hallway. “Sleep well, Jayce.”

Yeah. As if.

Jayce paced, back and forth, back and forth. The words Dan had read to him kept pounding at him.

“We have put our trust in him … God is love … So we will not be afraid … perfect love expels all fear …”

And then the words that haunted him most of all, words he couldn’t escape, no matter how he tried:
“If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us.”

Fear of judgment. Was that what he felt? What had him up all night, feeling like some kind of lion trapped in a cage?

Suddenly, Shannon’s voice echoed through him.
“You’re just like Aslan … you growl loud and show your teeth … you’re not a tame lion. But you’re good. Down inside.”

Jayce closed his eyes. He could swear he felt her hand on his chest, just over his heart. The memory of that gentle touch broke his heart, and he turned, looking for someplace to run. Escape.

But there was no place for him to go. No haven, no real sanctuary …

Or was there?

Going to the door, he listened. No sounds. Dan had to be asleep by now. Jayce cracked the door open, slipped from his room, and eased down the hall.

To Shannon’s room.

Slipping inside, his gaze swept the room. Most of Shannon’s things were gone. Still, if he closed his eyes, he could feel her here. Walking around the room, he touched the furniture, trying to see her. Asking her to help him.

“I want to be good. I want to be the way you thought I was …”

He jerked his hand to brush away tears.

How stupid can you be?

Jayce choked out a protest. He couldn’t deal with the voice. Not now.

Crying? Over what? So Marlin killed them. Big deal. It’s not like you put the gun in his hand
.

If the voice had been audible, Jayce could put his hands over his ears, block it out. But there was no way to stop the dark words filling his mind.

“I didn’t
have
to give him the gun. If I’d just told Dan about it all, Marlin would be in jail. And Shannon—” his throat was so tight he had to swallow hard to talk—“would still be alive!”

Fine. Have it your way. It’s all your fault. So go ahead. Tell ol’ Deputy Dan. What do you think he’ll do when you confirm what he suspects? That you’ve been working with the person who killed Shannon and Aaron? That you’ve been covering for him? Protecting him? You’ll be lucky to end up in jail
.

Desperation settled into the cracks and crevices of Jayce’s spirit. He put his hands over his face. “Help me …”

Who are you talking to? There’s no one here. This is just a room. A stupid room. There’s no spirit here. No Shannon. It’s empty
.

Just like his life.

Jayce spun, ready to bolt out the door, and slammed into the lamp on the bedside table. As it bounced and rolled, he froze. Listening. Then letting out a breath when it seemed like
Dan didn’t hear. With a hard sigh, he got down on the floor and reached under the bed for the lamp. It was just out of reach.

Flipping onto his back, he wriggled under the bed, managed to get his fingers around the lamp cord—and stopped.

What was that?

He peered at the mattress above him. Something was there. He could see it through the wires of the bed frame. Wriggling out from under the bed, he pulled the lamp out, put it back in place, then lifted the mattress.

Two books lay there. He grabbed them and lowered the mattress back in place. When he looked down at the books, he caught his breath.

Shannon’s journal. Her Bible.

No one in the room? Maybe not. But someone led him to these books.

It’s a coincidence. Besides, you should give them to the deputy. They’re not yours to read …

The voice went on, but Jayce wasn’t listening. Heart pounding, clutching the books close, he went back to his own room and settled onto the bed. He held his breath and opened the journal.

It only took a second for the impact to hit him.

Shannon wasn’t gone. She was right here, in the pages before him. Jayce saw her joy in the doodles, heard her voice in the prayers she recorded. Months of prayers.

About him.

For him.

He flipped several pages.

Page after page showed her persistent care for him.

And then, the last entry. Looking at the date, Jayce’s heart constricted. She wrote this the night before she was killed:

As Jayce read those last words, he caught back the sobs clawing up his throat. Shannon loved him. More truly than anyone in his life.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall.
Why, God? Why did she have to die?

When he opened his eyes, his gaze fell to her Bible. He’d never read a Bible himself before. Just listened as Dan read from it. He looked at the journal again. The things Shannon listed in her journal—Romans, Psalms, all of that—were Bible verses. Well, if Shannon loved them that much, then he would, too.

Haven’t you invaded her privacy enough? She’s dead. And it’s your fault!

He held her Bible in his trembling hands, feeling the texture of the leather cover.

Do you really think she’d want you reading her stuff like it belongs to you? Bad enough to read her journal. But her Bible? Those things are private!

He studied the gold edges of the thin paper.

You, of all people, have no right!

Anger stiffened Jayce’s spine. “Fine! You’re probably right. But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care what you say. What matters is Shannon, and what she said.”