Shattered (14 page)

"I'm
sorry, Adri. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm probably just being
overly paranoid again. I'm afraid it is an occupational hazard after
so many years of struggling against the Coun'hij. You don't need to
sever this last tie with your family."

I stood up and
wrapped my arm around Taggart's. "No, you were right. I love my
family and I'm not going to put them in any more danger than I
already have. I just…"

"What?
What is it, Adri?"

"I just
didn't realize that it was going to be so hard. I didn't realize how
much solace I was still taking from my visits back here most nights.
How do you do it? How do you cut all of your ties to who you were
without feeling that you've lost your anchor, without feeling that
you are drifting aimlessly?"

Taggart patted
my hand where it rested on his arm. "You make other bonds, other
ties with people you can trust too, people who are more capable of
defending themselves, people who—whether by their own choice or
not—are part of the world you now find yourself in."

"Is that
what Agony was for you?"

"Yes. That
is exactly what Agony was for me. There were others before then,
people I relied upon to help me not lose sight of who I was, but I
left them behind when I chose to sever my ties to the Coun'hij. Agony
was the one link that stayed with me through it all, the one person
who was already in as much trouble as I was."

"Only now
you realize that he was in more trouble."

"Indeed.
Despite everything else, he kept me at arm's length in many ways
because he didn't want me to be dragged into everything he was
facing. It makes me wonder how he functioned for all of those years
without anyone else to truly confide in. I never could have been that
strong."

"You
aren't giving yourself enough credit. You could have done it if it
was the only route open to you."

Taggart looked
at me for a long moment before shaking his head. "No, I don't
think I could have. Look at what I'm doing to you, Adri. I don't want
you to get hurt, but I can't seem to stop myself from letting you get
deeper and deeper into this nightmare that is my life."

"That's
different."

"How so?"

"I know
what I'm getting into and it's my choice to get involved."

That drew a sad
smile out of him. "You'll have to do better than that, Adri. You
don't know any more of what we're getting into than I do. There is no
telling what this other group is really like other than that they are
probably utterly ruthless. Also, the fact that you're choosing this
isn't relevant. I would have chosen to help Agony if he'd given me
the chance, but I'm not sure that my letting you make this kind of
choice is right."

"Agony
made the wrong choice, and that is what is bothering you. What you're
feeling has nothing to do with me. You're unhappy because Agony
should have accorded you the respect of letting you choose. You're
way beyond being an adult. You've been an adult for centuries now,
and you've shown time and time again that you're willing to accept
responsibility for the consequences of your actions. That means you
should have been given the chance to choose here, just like in the
other aspects of your life."

"I'm not
sure I agree with you there, Adri, but I can't seem to come up with a
good argument against what you are saying right now."

"That's
because deep down you know that I am right."

"I guess time will tell."

I took a deep
breath and nodded. "Speaking of time, we'd better get on with
this or we'll talk the whole night away and still not have gone to
see Kaleb."

"And with
that you prove yet again that you are possessed of wisdom far beyond
your years, my young colleague."

I stuck my
tongue out at him, but I smiled first. It was a single moment of
humor, something that had become increasingly rare in my life, which
made me treasure it all the more. A single moment that was over all
too soon and then it was time to get back to the business at hand.

Taggart sat
down on the hard black surface of the plain and closed his eyes for a
few moments as his breathing slowed. Nearly a full minute passed
before he turned his head slightly in my direction, still without
opening his eyes.

"I've
found him. Don't come too soon. I'd rather deal with him by myself if
necessary than have you arrive before I'm sure I can shield you."

A heartbeat
later Taggart disappeared. There wasn't any clap of air rushing in to
fill the spot he was sitting, no flashing lights, no shimmer. One
instant he was there and then he simply wasn't. All that was left was
empty space and a feeling that I might never see him again.

I dropped down
to the ground and immediately started spinning out the threads that
would allow me to find Taggart. I'd considered trying to find Kaleb
instead, but I'd only ever interacted with Kaleb one time before this
and I wasn't sure if the link between us was strong enough to
guarantee I'd be able to find him.

I concentrated
on the way that Taggart made me feel—safe and loved, accepted
for who I was as well as what I could do—and then after what
felt like forever, one of the searching strands connected. I
reabsorbed the other threads, strengthened the remaining one, and
then metaphysically kicked off from the ground as I started reeling
in the cable now connecting us.

I felt strong,
energized and ready to go, but hitting the wall was still just as
overwhelming as it always was. Just like every other time, it felt as
though I was going to fail, like I'd be forced to expend all of my
precious strength on the journey and have nothing left for when I
reached the destination.

The collision
seemed to last forever, far longer than I remembered from the last
time, but it was also over so quickly that I still only caught
fleeting impressions of the trip through the tear. It was as though
I'd been surrounded by a vortex of energy, a maelstrom that had
nearly destroyed me, a maelstrom that at the same time seemed to
recharge some of the reservoirs that I'd just finished emptying.

I made a mental
note to try to remember what had happened so that I could analyze it
further at a later time, and then I was fully inside of Kaleb's dream
and my attention was firmly focused on making myself invisible.

It took only a
split second to force my body and clothes to become completely
transparent, but that second dragged on forever. Once it was done I
was finally able to breathe again. I quietly let out the breath that
I'd been holding as I turned to take in my surroundings with
exaggerated care.

I'd imagined
myself quiet at the same time that I'd made myself invisible, but I
knew from past discussions with Taggart that what I'd just done
wasn't perfect. The veil of silence, as I'd started calling it, took
care of my heartbeat and would muffle the sound of my breathing and
movement enough that as long as I was careful Kaleb shouldn't be able
to hear me, but if I let my guard down for even a moment that would
all fall by the wayside. A gasp, talking to myself, knocking
something over, bumping into something, any of those things would
alert Kaleb to my presence and set Taggart and me up for the kind of
fight that I wasn't sure we could win, Taggart's assurances
notwithstanding.

I was in a
large office, the kind of office that you'd expect out of a
successful businessman. There were a surprising number of shelves
around the perimeter and every single inch was occupied by books.
They weren't just for show either. They were well cared for, but most
of them had been read many times.

Part of me
wanted to assume that we were in someone else's office. My current
image of Kaleb didn't allow him to be a book lover. I hadn't done a
lot of reading over the last few years. Up until recently, if someone
had asked me I would have told them that I didn't know why I'd
suddenly stopped reading about the time I turned thirteen, but after
everything I'd gone through over the last few weeks, I was finally
ready to face the truth. I'd stopped reading because Cindi had been
so much better at everything than I was. Even back then she'd been
prettier and skinnier than I was. She'd been more athletic and had
more friends than me too, but when she'd started doing better in
school than me that had been the final straw. That had been when I'd
stopped trying.

Looking back
now I could see just how lame and self-destructive that was, but at
the time it had felt like there was no point in competing if Cindi
was going to beat me at everything.

I still had a
soft spot for books though and seeing Kaleb sitting behind the
massive desk with a copy of Frankenstein within arm's reach made me
reevaluate something about him. It felt a little bit like l expected
a cat lover would feel after finding out that a mass-murderer had
been taking care of a quartet of orphaned kittens.

It took me less
than a second to find the faint shimmer off in the far corner that
was Taggart. As much as I would have liked to sneak over and join
him, we'd agreed beforehand that it would be best to stay far away
from each other so that Kaleb couldn't take us both down with a
single attack.

The rest of the
office was exactly the way that I would have furnished it if I'd had
a million bucks to blow. The carpet was plush, so much so that if
we'd been visiting in real life I would have probably taken off my
shoes and socks and danced around just to revel in the softness.

The windows
were huge, two-story monstrosities, but they were covered by a set of
light drapes and Kaleb's desk was set so that his back was to the
window. There wasn't any priceless art hanging from the wall, there
wasn't a massive flat screen television or other signs of
ostentatious wealth.

It was a
working office, the kind of office you could easily buy with a
million bucks, but not the kind of office you'd expect out of someone
whose wealth ran into the tens of billions. He wasn't interested in
looking out over his domain, the windows were there merely because he
liked the natural light.

The only item
that didn't strike me as being immediately useful was the massive
sword that stood in a simple metal stand behind him. It was the one
thing that didn't fit in with the rest of the office, which, given
how well the rest of the décor in the office fit together,
probably meant that it was the most important piece.

It all pointed
towards a Kaleb who wasn't the man I'd thought he was. I didn't
necessarily mean that he was a good man, but it was something that
didn't fit and that made me curious. I made a mental note to discuss
it with Taggart and see what he thought of the fact that Kaleb had
such a relatively simple working office.

"You're
expecting another child? That's wonderful news! That reminds me, how
is little Alison doing?"

Kaleb was
addressing a misty-looking woman who had just set a stack of papers
on his desk. It was odd really, I'd never seen a person look so
indistinct. Inanimate objects, yes—that was part of the way
that most people dealt with the fact that their brains were unable to
render their dreamscape in the same level of detail as the real
world—but not people. Even odder, everything else about the
office was replicated in such exquisite detail that it was obvious
Kaleb had a well-disciplined mind.

The books, the
walls—even the report the woman had just deposited on his
desk—they were all perfect, all much more substantial than she
was. It was the kind of thing I might have expected out of a
psychopath, someone for whom other people weren't really real. I
would have said it was just one more proof as to how evil Kaleb
really was, but if so he was a much more convincing actor than I
would have given him credit for. Usually those kinds of people gave
off an odd vibe, but Kaleb seemed entirely sincere.

I'd been so
caught up in analyzing the office that I'd momentarily lost track of
the conversation.

"…so
true. It seems like every time I blink I miss out on another
milestone where Alec is concerned. It's so tempting to just stay at
the office a little bit later to keep up with everything and then all
of a sudden you realize that you missed the first time they crawled,
and that they've been walking for months."

The woman's
voice was soft. It wasn't the voice of someone used to giving orders
or being the center of attention. She sounded thrilled to have had
Kaleb notice her; astonished that he knew enough about her to
remember the name of her daughter.

"You're
right, they do grow up quickly, but you shouldn't beat yourself up
too much. There isn't any way to be there for all of the firsts.
Besides, there are always other firsts just around the corner and the
work you do will help ensure many more firsts for all of the children
in the pack."

Everything
fuzzed away for a second, but this time it wasn't me, it was Kaleb.
He'd momentarily lost his focus, momentarily thought about something
else. The office was still there, but the woman was gone. Instead
there was a little boy standing unsteadily in the middle of the room.

For the longest
time I've pretended to agree with people when they say that someone's
children look like them. Mostly little kids all look the same to me.
Don't get me wrong, I can tell them apart, but they don't look like
miniature versions of someone else, they look like themselves.

This time that
wasn't the case. This little boy had his father's eyes. He was almost
close enough to touch and it was all I could do not to reach my hand
out to Alec. He wasn't real, but seeing him here like this, young and
innocent, rendered in such perfect detail, made me want to reach out
and sweep him into my arms. Someone needed to protect this poor child
from all of the bad things that were about to come his way.