Shame (Ruin #3) (17 page)

“But I did,” she argued. “I stopped it.”

I was silent and then whispered, “But at what cost?”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

He was so pissed that I’d called him. After all, I’d helped ruin his life, but in that moment? On the phone with him? I was like a god. Not only was I going to offer him his manhood back, his confidence, his life — but revenge on a silver platter. Funny, I was sacrificing the only thing I’d ever cared about, which oddly made me feel sad and angry all at once. I knew I was doing the right thing because she made me feel, and I had no business feeling in this world. I didn’t want it, didn’t have time for it. Not anymore. No, not anymore. —
The Journal of Taylor B.

Lisa

“
Y
OU KNOW,”
I
SAID
, forcing a smile. “You could have just seduced me instead of giving me a free shrink session. I would have been just as happy.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Tristan said quickly, leaning in until his face was inches from mine. “You don’t want seduction.”

I arched my eyebrows and let the blanket fall again then met him halfway, almost brushing my lips against his. “I don’t?”

“No.” His gaze flickered to my lips then back up to my face as he tilted his head. “A good seduction is wasted on a girl who wouldn’t enjoy it enough to let go.”

I gasped, half-tempted to slap him. “Is that your way of saying you’re crap in bed? Well, why didn’t you just tell me? I would have understood.”

He grinned. “Guess you’ll never find out, and since I can’t touch you, I can’t really kiss you into submission.” He blew against my mouth. “Pity.” The sweet taste of wine lingered on his lips. “Because I imagine the best thing for you right now would be a good punishment… maybe a firm hand.” He smiled then blew against my mouth again. “A night of recklessness…” He jerked away and shrugged. “Yeah, it’s really too bad I can’t touch you.”

I was frozen in spot. Why did it feel like he’d just spent the last hour seducing me? Why did it still feel like he was seducing me? Not with his hands, but his words.

“You’re too beautiful to frown.” Tristan reached behind him and pulled a down feather from one of the pillows on the couch.

“So you’re going to tickle me to death?” I joked, though my mouth was completely dry, and I was afraid to move for fear I would give myself away. The anticipation was killing me.

Tristan grinned.

The man needed to stop looking so gorgeous and perfect. It was like the more I looked at him the sexier he became, and he’d already started at a ten. Now? He was more like a twenty. So controlled, yet taut, every muscle in his chest flexed as he twisted the feather between his fingers. My body hummed with pleasure just watching him. There had to be something seriously wrong with me.

He slid the white feather between his two fingers, back and forth a few times. “I wonder how much of your body would feel like this feather, soft… tempting… so damn alluring I just want to touch, caress…” He turned to me. “…kiss.”

I gulped.

Tristan’s eyes hooded as he moved toward me and slid the feather down my face then slowly trailed it between the valley of my breasts. “I may have made a mistake when making those rules…”

“Oh yeah?” My chest heaved as I gulped for air. “Why do you say that?”

The feather dropped from his fingers. “Because not touching you tonight has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, especially considering…”

The room was silent except for the crack of the flames.

“Especially considering what?” I leaned forward, hanging on his every word.

“How damn tempting that mouth of yours is.” He growled and reached toward my face but stopped just short of touching me. “Think of me tonight…”

“That’s it? We get naked, you psychoanalyze me, find out I like to drive fast cars, and you just drop me off at my dorm?”

“Of course not.” He quickly pulled back and stood, then offered his hand. “I’m going to help you up, the one and only time I’ll touch you tonight, and slowly walk you to the bedroom, most likely watching the sway of your hips the entire way. And when I’ve gotten my fill, I’ll imagine kissing you… everywhere, and then, I’ll let you go to sleep and, well, lock my own door just in case you get any ideas.”

I burst out laughing. “Afraid I’m going to take advantage of you?”

He pulled me to my feet with a jerk. “It’s not fear that has me locking the door…” He turned around and began walking toward the stairs.

“What is it?” I asked as we made our way up.

He stopped, his hand pausing on the rail. “Necessity.”

“You really think I can’t help myself?”

His entire body tensed as he continued walking. “Not after tonight. I imagine you feel exactly like I do right now, left completely and utterly wanting.”

Yeah, that was true, not that I was going to admit it to him.

He stopped at the second door on the right and pointed. “Your room.”

I walked past him, knowing he watched me, and shivering under his gaze.

“I’ll wake you up for breakfast and drive us back in time for you to get ready before your first class. Besides, I think you have an early meeting with one of my other students tomorrow for the class project.”

Groaning, I banged my head against the door. “Moment ruiner.”

“Lisa?”

I turned.

He grinned and took two steps forward. He dipped his finger into my mouth then pulled back and licked that same finger, his eyes closed in ecstasy. “Just like I remembered.”

“I thought you weren’t going to touch me.”

“All men lie.” He smirked. “Now go to bed before I decide to really have a taste.”

“And if I tell you I want you to?”

His eyes went completely black. “Then I’ll have to say no… even though I would really want to say yes. Go.”

When I didn’t move, he physically turned me around, pushed me into the room, and shut the door behind me.

Too stunned to do anything, I almost didn’t register that I was spending the night again  with him. But not
with
him, with him. I was more like a roommate that he liked around. I was thankful, nonetheless, because that was one night I didn’t want to be alone.

And I knew that with Tristan, even though he seemed dangerous, he was safe. He wasn’t Taylor. Not at all. And it wouldn’t be fair to compare him to Taylor, even though I’d done that with every other guy.

It was finally time to move on.

And I thought I knew exactly who I wanted to do that with.

CHAPTER THIRTY

He’d almost agreed to do it after I explained things my way, and when he was still hesitant, I offered him one more thing I knew he couldn’t refuse—wouldn’t refuse. Her. —
The Journal of Taylor B.

Tristan

B
Y THE TIME
morning rolled around, I was one giant conflicted mess. My father had called and asked about business — the typical conversations usually lasted around three minutes.
Was he still rich? Was I keeping my nose clean?
Whatever the hell that meant. Had I ever let him down? Even once in my life? And the last, my personal favorite…
have I returned any of Erica’s calls?

Yes, yes, and no. But I’d said yes in hopes it would appease him. Talking to her seemed about as fun as calling Gabe and having him run me over with his car.

I woke Lisa up. She was quiet, pensive. I imagined I’d given her too much to think about. With a wince, I let her have her silent time. I knew I’d probably pushed her boundaries a bit, but I didn’t want casual, not with her. She had to know that about me. Casual was meant for women I’d once met at my dad’s hotel. Casual and Lisa did not fit in the same sentence. If we did this, if she truly let me in, I’d be hers forever, but I refused to let her think I was like him, so I’d pushed. I wanted the real her. Not the one I read about every night in his journals, but the one, the
girl
who had come out of that. The only problem? She didn’t know who she was.

In fact, she had no clue.

She was afraid of the darkness he’d brought out in her almost as much as she was afraid of the light that she was still unable to reach. I halfway wondered if that hadn’t been his plan all along. Self-doubt and insecurity make a woman lean on a man in ways that brainwash to the extreme. She becomes so dependent, so lost in the definition of who she is with that person, that when that person finally leaves, no matter how good or horrible he was, the memory is there forever, imprinted in her consciousness.

“Thanks.” Lisa opened the car door but hesitated. Finally, she turned around, a blush staining her cheeks. “Thanks for a night of letting me be myself.”

“Anytime.” I held out my hand. When she’d taken it, I kissed her wrist and released her, even though I wanted to drag her across the center console and then pull her into the back seat. Acting like a caveman wouldn’t get me anywhere, but it sure as hell would stop the constant ache I had to have her.

But sex wouldn’t be surrender to her.

It would be submission.

And until it was something more I refused to push that limit. Especially considering she wasn’t anyone harboring dangerous secrets. I just wasn’t sure anymore how or when I’d reveal mine.

The more time I spent with her the more I refused to acknowledge that I’d come there for a reason.

I watched her hurry into her dorm and made sure that the door closed behind her before I drove off.

Not really paying attention, I almost ran over a kid on a bike in front of me. He turned and glared.

It was Jack. My stomach knotted, but I had no idea why my body would react to his presence; he was just a student in my class. Just… something about him bothered me.

The minute he saw that it was me, his eyes narrowed. I had sunglasses on, and my windows were tinted, but I was probably the only professor on campus who had an array of cars from a decked-out Ford truck to a Tesla — and I just happened to be driving the Tesla.

I sped by and decided to run home and switch cars. I needed to anyway if I was going to follow through with my plan.

Operation Save Lisa.

Funny how it had started as Operation Redeem Taylor.

Funny how one person can change your mind, your heart, your soul so completely that you forget what you were fighting for in the first place. Consumed with thoughts of her, I sped all the way home with a smile on my face. It wouldn’t be subtle; then again, that word had never really been in my vocabulary.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

“You know I love you, right?” I whispered into her ear.

She shivered in response and tried to pull away. “Yeah.”

“No, really.” I tugged her closer.

She fought me. Her body was tense, but it was always tense.

“Let me show you how much.”

I tried to remove her shirt. She stiffened at my touch, and I was so damn angry. I’d done that to her, but it was her fault for allowing me to. It was her fault for being so weak. It was my fault for being so strong.

“Lie down,” I barked.

And just like that, she submitted. And the world was right again. —
The Journal of Taylor B.

Lisa

I
BARELY HAD
enough time to shower and get ready for the day when a knock sounded at the door. I grabbed my bag and keys and made sure my straightener was off then ran toward the knocking.

“I’m coming!” I shouted. Geez, if it was Gabe, I was going to kill him.

I swung the door open. Jack stood there leaning against the doorframe. “So…” He tilted his head. “How was sleeping with the professor?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be an ass. I didn’t sleep with anyone.”

“You didn’t come back.” Emotion clouded his eyes, almost like he was hurt. “Last night, I mean, I was worried, so I came looking for you.”

“Worried?” I walked past him and locked my door. “Why would you be worried?”

“One.” He held up a finger. “Because I heard about your break-in. Actually, I think the entire campus heard about your break-in. And two.” He held up two fingers. “One of the guys I worked with at the pizza shop totally got the shit beat out of him last night  outside this dorm.”

“What?” I stopped in my tracks. “What do you mean?”

His eyebrows furrowed together as he allowed me to go into the elevator first and then followed. “I mean a guy who I worked with got his face smashed in and is in ICU.”

My ears felt like they were filled with cotton. What if the attacker was the same person breaking into my apartment? Sending me hate messages? I shivered and suddenly felt better that I had my Taser with me.

“Hey, you okay?” Jack put his arm around me, but it felt all wrong, like forced.

I don’t know how to explain it; I just didn’t like it, so I shrugged away.

His eyes flickered with a bit of irritation, and then he leaned back against the wall of the elevator.

“You know…” he said slowly. “…flirting with the professor isn’t the smartest thing you’ve ever done.”

“I’m not flirting,” I lied. “And since when do you work at a pizza place? I thought you worked at Starbucks?”

“We live in Seattle.” He rolled his eyes as the elevator dinged open. “I have to have three jobs to even afford my books and enough umbrellas to get me through the day.”

I smiled. “It doesn’t rain that much.”

We stepped outside into a nice morning mist, and I’d officially forgotten my jacket.

Jack smirked and dug an umbrella from his shoulder bag, holding it over my head. “You were saying?”

“Shut up.”

“I know I’m an hour early, but what about we get something to eat at the coffee shop, and we can go over our plan for the project?”

I sighed. I really wanted to make it early to class to impress Tristan, but two hours early did seem a little overkill. I stifled a laugh; he’d probably have a stroke if I was that early. If he was even at his desk. Then again it was Tristan. I imagined he was the type that was an hour early only so he could prove a point.