Shallow Graves (2 page)

IT WAS LATE AFTERNOON
and a storm was coming. The wind was picking up, and there were towering thunderheads stacked high in the west. Down the interstate lightning flashed through a black curtain of rain. I was sitting outside a truck stop west of Omaha, Nebraska, perched on a low brick wall that enclosed a bed of wilting flowers. I had my backpack hooked around one arm, my skateboard at my feet, my eyes hidden behind a pair of pink heart-shaped sunglasses. I watched strangers stop, park, head into the convenience store or the restrooms, return to their cars. They frowned at the storm and drove away.

I couldn't decide who to approach. Families were out of the
question. Nobody invited a stranger into the car with their kids, not even a stranger who looked as harmless as I did. Same with most elderly couples. Young couples or groups of college students were a better bet, the right mix of careless and sympathetic. Some of them would give me a few bucks or offer to let me use their phones or buy me a meal. I took the money but turned down the phones and the food. I didn't have anybody to call, and I don't need to eat anymore.

I wasn't the only suspicious teenager hanging around. Across the parking lot, a short guy with black hair and black clothes and a lot of piercings was approaching drivers at the pumps and outside the restaurant. He talked to them for a few minutes, handed over a blue paper from a stack, walked away with a thank you and a smile. In between conversations he tucked fliers beneath the windshield wipers of parked cars.

I watched him work, not all that curious, until I realized he was watching me too.

I looked away. I didn't want to attract any attention, but it was too late. The guy wandered over, taking his time. He looked like he couldn't decide if he should speak or not. His face was round and pink cheeked and spotted with acne. He had a soft gray shadow around him, the kind of shadow I could feel but not see, but I didn't think it was a killer's shadow. It was too feeble for that.

“Hey,” said the kid. His voice was deeper than I expected, but his smile made him look all of twelve years old. “You seem like you're in some kind of trouble.”

“Not really,” I said. I didn't offer anything else. If he was a thirty-year-old creep hanging around a truck stop pretending to be
a fresh-faced teenager, I didn't want to encourage him.

“Sure, okay,” he said with a shrug. “But if you are, here.” He peeled one of his blue papers off the stack and held it out to me. “I'm not saying you need it, because you're not saying you need it, but if you're heading west and you need a place to stay, it's an option. They're good people.”

I took the page from him. NEED HELP? it asked in all caps printed across the top. Below, in smaller letters, it encouraged me to visit the Church of the Prairie. There was an address, a little square map with a star marking the spot in western Nebraska, and the promise of a bed, a shower, a hot meal. At the bottom, a Bible verse: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.” Matthew 25:35.

I folded up the paper and shoved it into my backpack.

“Just tell them Danny sent you,” the kid said. He said it like he had said it a hundred times, reading from a script that didn't particularly interest him anymore. “Not Daniel. Daniel's somebody else. Not that it matters—he's a good guy too—but I'm Danny.”

“Thanks, Danny, not Daniel,” I said. I didn't even try to make it sincere. “But I'm fine.”

“They're not, like, Jesus freaks or anything,” Danny said. He shook his black hair out of his face. “I mean, they are, but they don't care if you aren't. They won't ask any questions. They'll just help you figure out what to do next.”

“That's nice of them,” I said. I wanted him to go away. He wasn't offering a ride and he wasn't a killer; he didn't have anything that interested me. “I'm still fine.”

“Sure, okay, but sometimes you don't know you need help until it's too late, you know?”

Danny waited. Maybe he wanted me to give in and admit that I had no money, no ride, no one to call. Maybe he could tell just by looking at me that it had been ten days since I'd managed more personal hygiene than a cold water splash in a gas station bathroom.

I let him wait. I stared at him until he shrugged and he said, “Suit yourself.”

He walked away. He looked back a few times, like there was something he wanted to say. I felt a pang of worry, but I ignored it. I looked suspicious enough for perfectly ordinary reasons: a dirty teenage girl in stolen clothes and stupid sunglasses, lurking around a truck stop, alone. He didn't recognize me. It had been over a year, and what had made the local news in Evanston was of no interest in Nebraska. He was just a kid who got paid a few bucks to hand out church fliers in his free time. I lost track of him and went back to searching for my next ride.

I didn't have a plan. I hadn't had one since I left Chicago. My first ride had taken me south to Indianapolis before I decided I wanted to go west instead. I hitched a ride with a friendly stoner heading to Iowa City to pick up his little sister from her first year at college. He smoked joint after joint and listened to Phish bootlegs for the entire five-hour drive, and when we got to Iowa City he gave me a twenty-dollar bill and told me to enjoy life. After we parted ways, I hung around a big interstate gas station, looking as helpless as possible, until I met a gray-haired trucker named Dottie. She grunted with disinterest when I told her my made-up life
story: I was a college student whose roommate and ride home for the summer had copped out at the last minute. Dottie only said, “You don't look like trouble,” and she said, “You're too young to be out here alone,” and, “I can take you as far as Omaha, then my route turns around.”

The cab of her truck smelled of cigarette smoke, stale coffee, fast food. She didn't say much during the hours I rode with her, and when she did talk, she talked about her son, who was twenty-nine years old and missing. In December he had taken a business trip to Pittsburgh and never came home. The cops didn't bother looking. Dottie had taken time off a couple of months back to go and search for him, but she didn't know anything about his business, didn't know his friends or girlfriends or enemies. She spent two days driving aimlessly around Pittsburgh in the slushy gray winter. Her son was gone and she didn't know why.

Drug dealer, I decided. Being uncharitable toward a stranger made it easier for me to avoid thinking about my own mother and what she didn't know.

“You can't trust anybody anymore,” said Dottie. “Not even your own kid.”

Her voice was rough, her eyes sad. Her hopelessness felt like an empty space beside me, a hole eating away the fading echoes of a life. I was relieved when she dropped me at the truck stop and drove away.

As the thunderstorm gathered in the west, I rested my feet on my skateboard and rolled it back and forth, back and forth. Across the parking lot Danny was in conversation with a white-haired old
lady. He was smiling and she was charmed; I looked away when he glanced toward me. A few more hours and the gas station employees would notice I was still sitting outside. I had a story ready, but I didn't want to linger. I wanted to keep moving.

A few minutes later, my ride showed up.

I felt him before I saw him. The sensation was sudden and unmistakable.

Killer.

It was a busy truck stop, dozens of cars passing through, and it took me a moment to pinpoint him. Second row of pumps, number five. His car was a blue Corolla. Minnesota plates. He had an eye on the approaching storm as he filled the tank. He didn't clean the windshield. When he was finished, he ripped the receipt from the pump and got back into the car.

If he had driven away, I would have put him out of my mind. I would have watched his blue Corolla leave and felt him recede, a fading murmur under my skin, until he was gone.

But he didn't. He parked beside the store and went inside. He came out a few minutes later with a soda and a bag of pretzels. He looked so very ordinary, but he felt like a tangled mess of shadows. Weeds and vines and oily black worms beyond the edge of my vision. Dark squirming shapes at the corners of my eyes. The taste of ash at the back of my throat. All of those things and none of them. It made me think about bonfires, graveyards, dark damp holes in the ground, about waking up with dirt packed in my mouth and bruises in the shapes of fingers around my throat, and the excruciating, exultant pain of a beating heart after a year of stillness. It was the
best feeling I knew, and the worst.

He wasn't the first person I had found who felt like that. He wasn't the strongest, or the sickest, or the most tantalizing. But he was right there.

I looked up and caught his eye.

He stopped, and he smiled.

“Hi,” he said. “Are you waiting for somebody?”

I sighed, loud and exaggerated. “No,” I said. I tried my best to look annoyed with just a hint of worry. “I mean, maybe? I don't know. My roommate was supposed to give me a ride home for the summer, but she changed her mind at the last minute and decided to go visit her boyfriend in New York instead. Her boyfriend she met on the internet. She doesn't even
know
him.”

That's what had happened to Maria Garcia's cousin last Christmas break. Two Christmases ago, now. I had missed one. I remembered Maria reading text messages and saying, “That's what she gets for rooming with such a slut.” Maria had a million cousins and she loved to gossip about them. It was easy to borrow their lives for my temporary lies.

The man asked, “There's no one you can call?”

“My parents are in Europe,” I said. “They told me to buy a bus ticket but I figured, well, it's just as easy to get a ride, you know? Save me a couple hundred bucks.”

“Where's home?”

“Denver,” I said. I had no idea which direction he had been heading before he pulled off for gas. I didn't know the first thing about Denver. “Well, near Denver. Close.”

The man's smile grew wider, but he checked himself and put on an expression of false concern. “I'm headed that way.”

“Yeah?”

“I know this is weird, but it's a long drive and I wouldn't mind the company to help me stay awake.”

I pretended to think about it. “I don't know.”

“Right, I know,” he said, too quickly. “I understand. Do you want money for a bus ticket or something? I don't have much cash on me, but I hate to see you stuck here.”

I stood up slowly, hooked the backpack over my shoulder. “Where did you say you were going?”

He was headed to Utah to visit his mom, and he didn't mind taking I-70 through Denver instead of I-80 through Wyoming on the way. He liked the scenery, he said. Prettier mountains.

“I know how much it sucks to be stranded.” He laughed, and it was almost believable. It would have been if I couldn't feel what he was. “I'm not a serial killer, I'm promise.”

“That's exactly what a serial killer would say,” I said.

“Good point. But it's really not safe for you to hang around here. You look like you could use the help.”

I made him wait while I thought about it. I caught sight of Danny walking around the pumps. He was talking to somebody, but he looked over, like he felt me watching. He wasn't smiling his cherubic little kid smile anymore. The storm was blowing closer, the wind growing stronger. The afternoon was dark enough for the cars on the highway to switch on their lights. Those coming from the west were splattered with rain.

He wasn't lying about one thing: He wasn't a serial killer. Not yet. He had killed before, but only once. I didn't know his story or his real name yet, but I knew he was a murderer.

I couldn't read his thoughts. It's not like that, not until they die. I don't know if they're bad people or good people, if they enjoy their lives or hate them, if they look forward to every new day or dread it. I don't know if they've been arrested, convicted, imprisoned. I don't know if it was on purpose or an accident. I can only sometimes feel if they regret it; guilt and regret are such slippery, untrustworthy things. I don't know if they have parents or spouses or children, if they're going home to their wives or if they've left everybody behind. I don't know if they ever had anybody at all. I don't even know if they're human or not.

But I always know if they've killed someone.

It's not much of a party trick.

“Okay,” I said. I kicked up my skateboard, caught it in one hand. “Thanks. I'm sick of being stuck here.”

The man led the way back to his blue Corolla. I put my skateboard in the backseat and let him open the passenger door for me.

“What's your name?” he asked.

“Melanie.” I felt stupid as soon as I said it. My real name is Breezy, and I had meant to name one of Maria's endless supply of cousins, like I had when Dottie the truck driver asked. But Melanie's name was out before I could stop myself. Saying it aloud felt like a spark of electricity, quick but painful for the moment it lasted.

“Nice to meet you, Melanie,” he said. “I'm Tate. Let's hope that storm up ahead isn't as bad as it looks.”

THE STORM WAS
just as bad as it looked. The rain broke over us with shattering noise. Thunder crashed and I jumped, laughed uneasily. The man who called himself Tate switched on the wipers and the headlights. He sat forward in the driver's seat, both hands on the wheel, and followed too close behind a minivan slicing wet channels across the asphalt. The traffic marched in lines of white from the west, red straight ahead, blurred and indistinct in the downpour. It was too loud to talk. We crept along for forty-five minutes, maybe an hour, barely making any progress before the rain slackened.

The man eased back into his seat and turned the wipers down
a notch. “At least it's not a tornado.”

“You had to go and say that, didn't you?” The air conditioner was blowing cool air across my skin, raising goose bumps on my arms. I leaned forward to peer through the windshield. “The sky doesn't look green. I hope you didn't jinx us.”

“I have better luck than that,” he said.

I had always been afraid of thunderstorms before, ever since I was little. My dad had tried to explain to me what they were and how they worked: air pressure and temperature changes, electrical discharges and cloud formations. He thought laying it all out in scientific terms would help. But knowing how lightning happened didn't make it any less frightening, not when I was ten.

That was before. There wasn't much point in being frightened anymore. I stared out the window at the rain-battered fields and wondered what it would be like to be caught in a tornado. Lifted up and tossed around, scoured and stripped and dropped miles away, a bloody piece of debris in a pile of rubble. I could add it to the list.

The traffic grew heavier when we passed through Lincoln, dissipated on the other side. It was evening on a Tuesday or Wednesday; I had lost track of the date. The man asked if I minded a short stop to grab some food. He chose a roadside diner with a neon sign and a dirt parking lot. I didn't want anything but he insisted, so I asked for a milk shake. It was chocolate but tasted like ash. He ordered the special, pork chop and mashed potatoes and soggy green beans, and he smothered the entire plate in ketchup.

He talked about himself while he ate. None of it was true. He
told me he was an economics professor from Michigan. I made the appropriate impressed noises to keep him talking, but I couldn't look at him. The smell of his dinner reminded me of a faraway house splattered with blood and small bodies collapsed over their plates. Outside a rainbow curved over the landscape. The clouds broke briefly to let shafts of evening sun shine through.

I blinked, the clouds closed, and the sunlight faded again. I excused myself to the bathroom to throw up the milk shake. My body doesn't digest food anymore.

When we were on the road again, the man who called himself Tate laughed self-consciously and said, “We've got a lot more hours of this great scenery ahead of us, and it only gets more boring from here. Tell me about yourself, Melanie. What are you studying in school?”

I invented a story for him. I wove together pieces of Maria Garcia's cousin, Sandra Ulster's stepsister who lived in her parents' basement and played the banjo, Marcus Reyes's brother who had won a swimming scholarship and might be training for the Olympics, bits and pieces of secondhand acquaintances and friends of friends. I told him I was a freshman at the University of Chicago, studying biology or maybe chemistry, and I was going to work as a lifeguard for the summer. I was an only child and my parents were lawyers.

“Not, like, criminal lawyers,” I said. “Car accident lawyers. You know. Like the kind you see on TV.”

I offered a silent apology to my parents for forcing them into such an embarrassing profession.

I didn't tell him one true thing about myself. It was easier that way. I was a patchwork person, stolen scraps stitched together with the frailest threads. If he cared at all, he would have seen the lies for what they were.

But he didn't care that I was lying to him. Every few moments he tapped nervously on the steering wheel and glanced my way. I didn't need to read his thoughts to know what he was thinking. He was planning. Wondering how long he had to drive before he could find an isolated place to pull over. Thinking about what he would say, how he would deflect my worries, what excuse he would give. How it would feel.

I leaned into the door and hitched one leg up, hugged my knee to my chest. I hadn't bothered with the seat belt. If we crashed, that could be another item on my list.

I knew I ought to be scared. But all I felt was a faint flutter beneath my ribs that was a little like excitement, a little like hunger. He thought I was helpless, but I knew something he didn't know: he couldn't hurt me.

I had never before had that kind of power over someone.

I tucked the feeling down in my gut in a tight little ball, small and black like a frightened roly-poly bug, and kept it in the same place where I kept my real name, my real story.

When we were back in the car and on the road, I leaned my head back against the seat and faked a yawn.

“Tired?” said Tate.

“A little.”

“You can go ahead and sleep,” he said. “I was just kidding about
making you keep me company.”

I yawned again. “Thanks.”

The night grew darker as we drove west. I pretended to drift off, but I don't sleep anymore. Rain came and went in quick taps on the windshield. The air smelled like ozone and exhaust and manure. The man murmured to himself from time to time. I couldn't make out the words.

A couple of hours outside Lincoln, he turned the signal on, slowed the car, and eased to an exit. I kept my eyes closed. I felt us stop for a moment, then we turned right. The road was rough and loud beneath the tires. He drove for another twenty, thirty minutes before stopping.

He turned off the engine. His seat belt clicked and rasped as it retracted.

“Nobody will know,” he said, a whisper under his breath. “It's okay. It's okay. Nobody will know.”

There was a soft thump as he hit the steering wheel with both palms. I waited for the fear. He had made his choice. I should be scared now. But all I felt was tired. Tired, and disappointed that I had been right. He could have kept driving through the night and into the morning. He didn't have to stop.

“Nobody will know,” he said again.

I opened my eyes. He was looking right at me.

“Don't move,” he said. His voice shook. He gripped the steering wheel. His lower lip was trembling, his shoulders tense, the line of his neck taut as a steel cable. “Don't move. You—you stupid, you freaky bitch, what are you doing?”

I didn't say anything. I wasn't moving. I wasn't doing anything except waiting.

“How stupid are you?” He hit the steering wheel again. “What the hell did you expect, getting into a car with a stranger? Didn't your mother tell you that's asking for trouble?”

I clenched my hands together in my lap. I could barely remember how it had happened before, when I'd woken in the grave with the stranger kneeling over me.

“You should have known better,” he said.

“I know,” I said.

He launched himself across the car and slammed my head into the window. The angle was bad, he was shaking and grasping, but I felt his fingers dig into my neck, pressing against my windpipe. He wasn't strong enough to hold me. He didn't know what he was doing. But I didn't try to push him away. All I did was close one hand over each wrist, and I
pulled
. The shadowed vines wrapped around us, an impenetrable tangle.

His eyes went wide with surprise and anger—anger that I would fight back, anger that it wasn't going to be easy. His face turned red and beads of sweat formed on his brow. His pupils were dilated, his mouth open slightly, pink tongue pressed between crooked front teeth. He was trying to say something. His lips moved, fishlike, but the only sound he could make was a weak kittenish mewl.

Something dark and oily inside him snapped.

I felt his heart beat once, twice, stuttering—and no more.

I was standing in a kitchen. I was raising a baseball bat. I was swinging it down. A small body crumpled before me.

The man's hands dropped from my neck. I shoved him away and he slumped against the steering wheel. His eyes were open, his mouth gaping. He was dead.

I pushed the door open and tripped out. My heart was racing, my breath coming in quick, painful gasps. I dropped to my knees, gagged and spat on the ground. I felt like I was buzzing on caffeine, on adrenaline, trembling so bad it was all I could to do crawl away from the car. I curled onto my side and lay there for a long time in the glow from the headlights, and I remembered.

A little kid. A boy. He had killed a little boy who liked baseball and video games and had come home early to get a snack of peanut butter and crackers. The brat wasn't supposed to be there, not while his mom was at work. There was an open jar of peanut butter on the counter, a glass of milk beside it. The kid was always sticking his fingers in the jar. His blood spread across the yellow linoleum floor. He wasn't supposed to be there. His baseball bat was supposed to be in his room, or in the garage, not right there in the living room. He was always sticking his nose where it didn't belong. He would still be alive if he had put his bat away. If he knew how to keep his mouth shut. If he for once in his life had used a knife to spread the peanut butter instead of sticking his fingers in the jar.

A long time passed before I was able to sit up.

A mosquito whined in my ear; I waved it away. We were parked on a rutted dirt driveway by a narrow road. Lights of isolated farmhouses shone in the distance. The car clicked as the engine cooled. The night was quiet, the prairie grass damp with rain. My hands shook as I rubbed them through the wet blades, wiped them over
my mouth. I spat again.

When I was certain I could move without my heart bursting in my chest, I walked back to the car and took my backpack and skateboard out of the backseat. I found the man's wallet in his pocket. I didn't steal anything; I only wanted to know his real name. I tucked my sleeve over my hand and wiped my fingerprints from the inside of the car. Anything else they found, if they looked, would be too degraded to identify me.

Natural causes. That's what they would decide. His heart had stopped. Suspicious, out there on that empty road, so far from home, but there was no sign of foul play. I looked at him closely. He didn't look any different. He wasn't gray or shriveled or pale. The clinging black tangle that had hung around him was gone. What I felt in its place was an electric hum beneath my skin, the steady thump of my heart, a deep dull ache in the bruises around my neck.

I slammed the car door; the light went out.

I wanted him to look on the outside as he did on the inside. I wanted to feel guilty or sick or scared about what I had done. I wanted to regret it.

I didn't. He had been a murderer. Now he was a dead murderer.

I walked to the road and dropped my skateboard to the asphalt. I was only 50 percent sure I was heading toward the highway. I didn't care. I pushed myself faster and faster, much faster than I would normally go on a rough road in the dark, racing and reckless. The night air was cold and damp on my face, in my hair, on my tongue. It felt wonderful, the cleanest exhilaration you can imagine. I never wanted to stop.