Shaken (3 page)

She barely heard the last word over her own cry of pleasure. His hand cupped her bottom, tilting her pussy toward his mouth as he speared his tongue into her. Julia’s head fell back against the elevator wall, her eyes squeezing shut against the maelstrom of passion washing through her. So good. Intense. His tongue drove deep through her, licking at the walls that were clamping down around it. She whimpered when he pulled out, only to gasp as he lapped through the folds again. Her clit throbbed for him, straining to be kissed. Sucked.

He didn’t disappoint. The heat of his mouth enveloped it, drawing gently at first, then harder. Deeper. Need began to pool in her belly, her muscles quaking badly now.
So…close…

“Hold on to the rail,” he ordered, only moving far enough from her to be heard. “Both hands, now.”

Oh God.
She didn’t even know where her own hands were, but as he lifted her, already grasping the thigh of the leg she held herself up on, she found them and held on as he ordered. Just in the nick of time, because he slung her other leg over his shoulder, cupped her bottom in both hands and took on all of her weight. Then he dove back in, his thumbs parting her flesh as he devoured her. Giving all of herself over to him, Julia let her legs fall slack and tumbled headlong into ecstasy.

He ate at her, every strong glide of his tongue, flicking strum and drawing kiss taking her further and further from reality. There was only Grant, touching her, loving her. His teeth gently clamped around her clit. He sucked at her, and the entire world simply disappeared in a wild burst of pleasure.

But it still wasn’t enough.

She was empty.

Alone.

“Grant!”

“I know, honey.” The urgency in him wasn’t lost to her. Already he had shrugged one of her legs down, the clinks of his belt matching the motions of his shoulders beneath her. Suddenly, she was sliding upward, her eyes flying open as he thrust into her, pinning her to the wall just above the rail. He kept her other leg folded over the crook of his elbow, opening her wide with another heavy thrust. Her vision clouded, every nerve ending in her body responding to his possession. Full, so full of him, she could only moan. He lifted her again, gripping her free thigh almost painfully, guiding her to wrap it around his hips. She did and he rewarded her with another breath-stealing thrust.

Her hands found purchase on his shoulders and their gazes locked. Everything locked. Neither of them moved but for their panting breaths. His need was raw in his eyes. More than sex. He
needed
her. To touch him back. To give as much as he was giving to her. To make this more than an act of desperation; two bodies meeting while their hearts took different paths.

As if he had no idea that
her
heart beat in
his
chest.

In that instant, she knew she had been right to take this chance. He’d forgotten. This moment, this heartbeat, was all the time she’d have to remind him.

Julia leaned forward, her body strung tight against his, and pressed her lips to his. A nearly broken sound escaped him as he latched on to her kiss, taking it—taking her—and beginning to move with a fury she could barely withstand. He pounded into her, every thrust tormenting her straining clit until he might as well have been strumming it again. Her muscles clamped on him in desperation, the growing orgasm filling her body from her fingertips inward. Tighter and tighter she coiled around him, her mouth leaving his to cry out over and over. His hold became crushing, his thrusts wild. A desperate scream tore through the air as they both lost control, as she lost connection to anything but him…and drowned in pleasure.

Slowly, languorously, she came back to the surface, took a breath. She tried to, but to her surprise, she realized she was crying, tears streaming down her face, air coming to her lungs in soft hitches.

Grant pressed his face into the side of her neck, spreading soft, soothing kisses up the column. For a second, she was transported all the way back to when they’d first become lovers. The intensity between them in the beginning had frightened her, made her cry and shake, no matter how she tried to hold it in. Making love to Grant had always involved everything she had—heart, body and soul. It hadn’t been a choice to give him so much of herself. He’d known it, gentling her until she understood she could trust him with such naked vulnerability. Loving him had simply been a part of her. Leaving had nearly killed her.

Because each one of those kisses was a promise. A promise to hold her. To support her. To be there when the passion faded. To never break her heart.

“Grant?” Her voice was still husky, her body still quaking around him.

“Mmmm?” His hands smoothed over her bottom, petting her, taking the sting from the imprint of his fingertips. Already, she could feel her response building again. Her body was putty for him. Her heart belonged to him. But her mind, her will, they were all she had to fight with. The only way she could stand up for herself. For
them
.

“Grant.” She swallowed, willing strength into her voice as she wiped her cheeks with the back of her sleeve. “You have to let me go.”

His hand froze on her leg.

“Grant?”

“No.”

Just that. No other words. No other movement.

“
Grant.
”

He lifted his head. The flush across his cheeks could have been the flush of passion still staining him, but Julia knew better. It was anger.

“No. I’m not letting you go ever again.”

Chapter Five

If he had to stay inside her for the rest of his life, he would keep that vow. She couldn’t do this. Give him this glimpse of heaven, of blessed peace, then throw him back into hell. She couldn’t.

Her blue gaze remained firm, even if her pink lips were soft and still wet. “I’m not escaping, Grant.” The unspoken
and neither are you
echoed loud and clear. “We have to talk.”

“We are talking.” He leaned in to take her mouth while he spoke. Her lips slipped across his, sleek and smooth. Slick. He licked the top one, hoping to tease her. Her hands tightened on his shoulders and for a moment, she began to melt again. Then suddenly, she stiffened. She pushed, her head rearing back, stealing her kiss away.

“No. I don’t want this.”

He stared at her for any sign of indecision, but her mouth was firm, her gaze resolved. She didn’t want this…or she didn’t want
him
? “Why? Why now and not ten minutes ago?”

“Because letting you fuck me doesn’t mean anything has changed.”

The hard words did what nothing else could have. He pulled from her, his cock leaving her sex almost roughly. She flinched, something that stabbed him more than his own discomfort, but said nothing as he put her back on her feet. Once sure she was steady, he made quick work of adjusting his own clothing. She wiped at her face with her sleeve, taking away the tears he’d sipped at. Grant backed to the other side of the elevator, watching her sniff while she tried to tuck her hair into some semblance of order with one hand and tug at her skirt with the other. She turned to face the wall, the tangled white gold of her hair streaming down her back. Rebuilding her walls again. Shutting him out.

“You wanted to talk.” His voice sounded like a bark and her shoulders jumped at the sound of it. He swallowed the bitterness that caused and lowered his voice. “How about we start with why you don’t want my support?”

“I never said I didn’t want your support. I said I don’t want your
money
.”

“That’s the same thing.”

“No, it’s not.” She looked over her shoulder at him, her eyes red rimmed. Accusing. “I haven’t had your support since that night.” She didn’t have to say which night she meant.

And she couldn’t be more wrong.

“I’ve done nothing but be here for you and you know it.
You’re
the one who walked out.”

“Was I, Grant? Really?” She turned fully now. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you’ve been there for me?”

“Yes.”

“That you
hurt
with me?”

Grant ground his teeth together. Did she need to dig into him with shards of glass to get her point across? “Yes.”

“That you cried with me? Mourned with me? Shared any of
your
pain?”

No. He’d never done that. He clamped his lips, staring down at the woman who was supposed to understand. So why didn’t she?

She advanced another step. “Couldn’t you hear my heart breaking without you?”

“I held you every night.” Her pain had been a scourge, but he’d still held on. She was the one who let go.

“But did you
listen,
Grant? Did you hear me calling out for her? For my daughter.
Our
daughter?”

Until her voice was hoarse and the sound was gone, but still he listened, even when she’d scream soundlessly into her pillow. Just the memory of those tortured sounds made him feel as if his teeth were breaking from the pressure. Every bony plate in his head throbbed from it. “Yes.”

She was right in front of him now, like a pale ghost demanding retribution. “Why didn’t you?”

He jerked, her whisper hitting him like a gunshot. “Why didn’t I what?”

“Why didn’t
you
call for her? Why didn’t you
cry
for her? Didn’t she deserve even that much from you?”

The rail bit into his back. Grant closed his eyes. He shook his head at her.

“
That’s
why I don’t want your money, Grant. I don’t want
anything
from you. I just want to go away and pretend none of
this
—” she pushed at his chest, “—ever happened. Just like you have, every day, ever since—”

He opened his eyes, grasping her wrists so fast she gasped. “Don’t say it.”

“Say what?” But she knew. He could see it in her eyes.

“Just don’t.”

“Why not? It’s not as if you care. As if you feel anything about the fact that she’s gone.” She leaned into him, but not in the way he wanted. In a way that made him wish this elevator were bigger. But given the tension in his spine, the calculating look in her eyes, he knew the biggest elevator car in the world wouldn’t make any difference. What he needed were doors that opened. That allowed him to escape before the elephant between them sounded its name. “Did you even feel
anything
when she was alive, or was that a lie, too?”

Now what was she talking about? “When did I ever lie to you?”

“For all I know, everything was a lie. Our relationship, our marriage—”

“I have never lied to you.”

But his answer just seemed to incense her. “Oh yes you did.”

“When? Tell me when.” He held on, even when she yanked at his grip on her wrists, fighting like a wild thing.

“When you promised to stand by me,
no matter what
.” Pain and anger flared the color in her cheeks. “But where were you, Grant?”

“I was right here!”

She shook her head, the wisps of hair around her face flying. “When you said you loved me.”

“I
do
love you.” He wrapped his arms around her, trying to keep her from hurting either of them by holding her hands behind her. He pressed his forehead to hers, closing his eyes as he breathed her in. That sweet spice that was purely Julia. Even if she hated him, it was the only thing that brought him any measure of peace. “I’ve loved you from the first second I
saw
you. The
second
, damn it. You’re my whole life, Jules. You’re all that matters to me. How can you not know that?”

Her forehead rubbed against his, a sob bubbling out of her. “I did once. But it wasn’t real. None of it.”

“Yes, it was.” It took everything he had not to crush her against him with the need to convince her. To take that soft, wet mouth again. She only seemed to believe in him when they were wrapped up in each other. Joined. Their bodies straining against and into each other. The only time when absolute honesty ruled. Every other moment was clouded with half-truths and guilt, and nothing he could ever say would clear them away. “It still can be. You don’t want this divorce any more than I do.”

She tilted her head back, staring up at him through slitted eyelids. “What about when you said you loved Autumn? How was that not a lie? How can I stay with a man who could
pretend
to love a child? How can I ever believe that you’re not pretending to love
me
?”

She slipped from his now boneless hold and pressed her back to the opposite wall of the car, arms tight around herself. He could only stare at her, head shaking on its own with his disbelief. Every inch of him had gone cold. Struck numb by her words.

“You think I didn’t see your hesitation when we found out I was pregnant despite your vasectomy? That I didn’t feel your distance from us when I carried her? I did, but I told myself you’d get past it. Told myself you just had to get used to the idea of being a father. That you had when she was born and you acted like you cared. Like she meant something to you. Because believing anything else would mean there was something wrong with our perfect little marriage. But I was wrong. I lied myself into a stupor and that never became more clear than when she died and you didn’t care at all!”

“Stop saying that!” He didn’t mean to yell at her, but the roar of his own voice stung his ears.

Not that it seemed to bother her. “What?”

“That I didn’t care! I
cared
, goddamn it!” It was the guilt that ate him alive until there was almost nothing left. Nothing but how much he loved her. If he could grab something and throw it, he would, but there was nothing. Just him and her in a fucking box with no doors.

She shook her head, cheeks still wet but her tears gone. Straightening, she let go of the hold she had around herself. “I don’t believe you.” She wiped her cheeks, her voice as firm as the day she said she was leaving him, but her eyes shone, heartbreak just beneath her veneer of calm. “I don’t believe in anything anymore.”

Chapter Six

Across from her like the combatant she’d turned him into, Grant bowed his head. She could see the tracks her hands had made in his hair, the heavy black lengths swirling with more strands of silver than she’d realized. “You were always the one with so much faith,” he said quietly.