Shadowspell (30 page)

“Hi,” I said, then wanted to slap myself for being so lame. I sounded tentative, almost scared. Okay, so maybe I
was,
but that didn’t mean I had to show it. “Can I come in?”

Ethan darted a quick look at Finn, but he had to know we were a package deal. “Sure,” he said, sounding less than thrilled.

I had to remind myself that I’d done nothing wrong. Nothing to earn his cold shoulder, at least. It was hard to face him now that he knew the terms of my bargain with the Erlking, and I couldn’t help feeling kind of slutty, but I’d done it for Ethan. He didn’t have to like it, but he should be at least a little grateful.

Finn and I walked into the apartment. Ethan gestured me into the living room, and Finn remained by the door, once again doing his best to give me a little privacy. But a little privacy wasn’t enough, not for this conversation. I faced Finn, wondering how difficult he was going to be about this.

“Ethan and I have a couple of things we need to discuss in private,” I told him. “Is there any chance you could stand guard outside?”

I was trying to take a page from the Erlking’s book, asking for something I wasn’t expecting to get so that my second request—that he let me go into Ethan’s bedroom—would sound more reasonable. Finn surprised me by nodding.

“I’ll wait outside.” He fixed Ethan with a penetrating stare. “I’m sure you’ll behave like a gentleman.”

Ethan’s eyes widened, and he held up his hands in a gesture of innocence. “Don’t worry. I won’t get any funny ideas.”

Finn seemed satisfied with that, slipping out the door and leaving me alone with Ethan. I took a seat on his sofa, trying to figure out how to start this conversation.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asked, not quite looking at me.

“No,” I said, more sharply than I’d intended. “I’d like you to sit down and talk to me.”

“Fine.”

Instead of sitting next to me on the sofa, he sat on the far end, his posture stiff and formal. Was this really the same boy who’d kissed me so passionately just a few days ago? He looked like he could hardly wait to get away from me. I couldn’t decide if I was more hurt, or angry. I was certainly some of both.

“So, are you going to treat me like some kind of leper from now on?” I asked, hoping my voice was relatively level.

“I’m not treating you like a leper.”

Wow. That was a convincing argument, and it just gave me tons of warm fuzzies.

“You won’t look at me, you won’t talk to me, and you’re sitting as far away from me as you can possibly get,” I pointed out.

With a grunt of frustration, he turned to face me, although he didn’t move any closer. His eyes, usually so warm and lively, were ice-cold. “Forgive me for being unhappy to learn my girlfriend has promised to sleep with another man.”

I gaped at him. “I’m not your girlfriend,” I said, though the protest sounded kind of thin even to me. Considering our last make-out session had included some partial nudity, it certainly made sense that he would think of me that way, even if I wasn’t wholly convinced that it was true.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “If you found out I’d promised to sleep with another girl, it wouldn’t bother you at all?”

I felt the color flooding my cheeks. I could hardly argue his point, not after I’d been so mad at him just for
dancing
with another girl.

This time it was me who had trouble holding eye contact. “You know why I did it,” I whispered, staring at my hands, which were clenched on my lap. “Would you be happier if I’d just let the Erlking keep you?”

“I don’t know,” he said, and that startled me enough to make me look up at him in surprise.

“You don’t know?” My heart clenched in my chest. “You’re telling me I did what I did for nothing?” My voice rose, well on its way to shrill. “I’ve made it so I have to stay a virgin for the rest of my life, and not only are you not grateful, you’re angry with me and can barely stand to look at me.” The hurt and the anger combined to hollow me out. It was all too much to absorb, which was actually a good thing, because it made it possible for me not to cry. I’d cry my eyes out later, but I didn’t want to do it in front of Ethan.

“I’m not angry with you!” he protested angrily.

“The hell you aren’t. And I was a total moron to come here.” I started to get up, but in a manner eerily similar to our last encounter in his apartment, Ethan grabbed my arm to keep me from going anywhere.

“If we’re going to talk about this, then we might as well talk,” he said, still sounding angry.

I wanted to get out of there, wanted to pretend I’d never come. Ethan had always been too much for me to deal with, and I should have known recent events would make it even worse.

“What is there to talk about?” I asked bitterly. “You think I’m some kind of slut because I cared enough to do just about anything to make Arawn let you go. I’m not sorry I did it, but if that’s the way you think of me, then I want nothing to do with you.”

I tried again to jump to my feet, but Ethan didn’t let go.

“Will you just stop?” he asked, his voice a little calmer, though it looked like it took a lot of effort. “You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“You don’t need to say the words for me to get the message. If you could see your face right now, you’d know I’m getting it loud and clear.”

“Loud, maybe,” he said with a snort, “but obviously not clear. Let me explain this again: I’m not mad at you.” I opened my mouth for an outraged protest, but he spoke over me. “Stop being an idiot! I’m mad at
myself,
not at you.”

That surprised me enough to shut me up.

Ethan let go of my arm, then jammed his hand through his hair, probably pulling a few strands out along the way.

“Don’t you see, Dana? I fell for the Erlking’s stupid trick. I was so full of myself and so eager to impress you that I had to jump in and play hero when I should have known better. And because of that one stupid mistake, I’m now bound to him forever, and you’re stuck in your devil’s bargain. Way to save the day, huh?”

He was so upset he turned away from me to punch the arm of the sofa. Good thing it was heavily padded, or he might have broken his hand.

My rage and hurt eased as I considered what he’d said. I suspected he wasn’t telling the whole truth when he said he wasn’t mad at me, but I believed he was a whole lot madder at himself. I swallowed back some of the fiery emotions and took a deep breath in search of more calm.

“If it hadn’t been for you,” I pointed out, “I’d have been dead weeks ago, when Aunt Grace threw me into the moat.”

He shrugged. “So I did one thing right. I’ve done too much else wrong to feel good about that.”

Tentatively, I put my hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “You know that so far, you, me, and Kimber have all blamed ourselves for the Erlking capturing you?”

Ethan blinked at me in surprise. “What?”

“I felt bad because if I’d never come to Avalon in the first place, you’d never have been put in that position. Kimber felt bad because it was her idea to be sitting out on that patio, and she left us alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad and Finn blame themselves, too. After all, if they had stayed closer instead of being nice and giving me a little space, the Wild Hunt wouldn’t have been able to cut us off like they did. Maybe we all need to lighten up on the blame game.”

Ethan thought about that a long time, then let out a long sigh.

“All very reasonable,” he agreed. “But easier said than done.”

I tried a feeble laugh. “Tell me about it.”

He finally slid over next to me on the sofa, then put his arms around me and held me close. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of him. For a few minutes, I was able to lose myself in the sensual pleasure of being held. The hurt and anger that had flared in me died down, leaving something vaguely resembling peace. I knew it would be short-lived, but I reveled in it anyway.

Ethan’s cheek rubbed against the top of my head. “Are you
sure
you’re not my girlfriend?” he asked softly.

The question made my belly flutter pleasantly, but it also dispelled the peace that had settled on me. I pushed myself out of his arms so I could see his face.

“I’m not such good girlfriend material these days,” I said.

Ethan smiled at me. There was warmth in that smile, but not the same warmth there had been before the Erlking got hold of him. His smile was older, and somehow sadder now.

He brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I’ll be the judge of that. And I say you’ll do quite nicely.”

My throat tightened with longing. “You say that now, but let’s be realistic. I can’t ever … go all the way with you. Not unless I’m willing to hop in the sack with Arawn first, and that’s just not happening.”

“No, it isn’t,” Ethan agreed through gritted teeth.

“How long can you really imagine being with a girl who can’t sleep with you?”

He put on his most stubborn expression. “Sex isn’t everything.”

I truly believed he meant it. I also believed he would eventually get frustrated and change his mind. He’d already proven that he wasn’t willing to wait for me, even when I didn’t have the Erlking’s bargain hanging over my head. No matter how many times Ethan told me Tiffany didn’t matter to him, I would always remember the blatantly sexual way they’d danced together at Kimber’s party. Ethan had been with me only a few days before, and had acted as if I was the love of his life, but that hadn’t stopped him from dirty dancing with her. That wasn’t the behavior of a guy who’d be satisfied in a relationship doomed to remain without sex. If I let myself fall for him any harder than I already had, he was going to break my heart.

Ethan cupped his hand around my cheek. “Don’t give up on me. Please.”

“I’m not giving up on you. I’m just—”

“Then say you’ll give me a chance. Give me a chance to prove you’re way more important to me than sex. I’d rather have you without the sex than any of the girls I’ve been with before
with
the sex.”

His words were perfect, and yet … I’m a realist at heart. I wasn’t going to fool myself into believing Ethan and I had a shot in the long run. No matter what he said, I knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with me forever under the circumstances. I would save myself a world of future pain if I could just find the courage to end this now. All I had to do was ignore the longing Ethan stirred in me. Ignore the way looking at him made my heart flutter and my skin heat. Ignore the intoxicating reality of being wanted by a guy who I’d thought was out of my league.

I couldn’t do it. No amount of common sense or willpower could convince me to say no to Ethan. Maybe I couldn’t have him forever. But I could have him for now, and that would have to be enough.

Without answering him in words, I settled myself back into Ethan’s embrace and turned my face up toward his. His shoulders sagged in relief, and his eyes shone with emotion. He lowered his head to mine, and when our lips touched, all my worries and cares faded into the background where I could pretend to ignore them. I vowed I would make the most of whatever time we had together, and I told myself that the inevitable heartbreak wouldn’t hurt so badly because I was prepared for it.

Maybe I’m not as much of a realist as I’d like to think.

Also by Jenna Black

glimmerglass

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

SHADOWSPELL.
Copyright © 2010 by Jenna Black. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Black, Jenna.

    Shadowspell / Jenna Black.—1st ed.

           p. cm.

    ISBN 978-0-312-57594-6

    I.  Title.

    PS3602.L288S53 2011

    813'.6—dc22

2010037871

First Edition: January 2011

eISBN 978-1-4299-7498-1

First St. Martin’s Griffin eBook Edition: January 2011