Shadow Walker (30 page)

“You’re leaving,” Dawn said without surprise. “Where will you go?”

“I’m concerned about Running Elk. I have to find out what happened to him and the People after the battle.”

“Am I going with you?” She should have known better than to ask.

Cole refused to look her in the eye. “You’ll be safer here with my sister. She and Tanner think the world of you.”

“You’re not coming back.” It was a statement rather than a question.

Dawn could not see his expression in the darkness but she felt his rejection keenly. She would have been surprised at the uncertainty and confusion on his face had she been able to see it. Cole had searched his soul for an answer to his dilemma and come up empty-handed. He’d fought against his growing feelings for Dawn and was losing the battle. Placing distance between them was the only way he could come to grips with his dilemma. He needed to find out if the time had finally come to bury his memories of Morning Mist and move on. He hoped the solitude and peace he’d once found with the People would help him find the answers he sought.

“I can promise nothing more than what I’ve already given you. I know it’s damn little, but I need
to resolve the uncertainties that plague me. I can’t do it unless I distance myself from the temptation of your body. My obsession with you haunts me night and day. I loved once; I’m not sure I can love again.”

“I’ll not settle for anything less than your whole heart,” Dawn said, disheartened by his words. If Cole couldn’t love her, she didn’t want him. “Lust isn’t a bad thing but it’s not enough to base a marriage on. I want more. I want a lifetime of commitment. You’re right, you should leave now. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

“You’ll remain here with Ashley,” he said firmly.

“Am I to wait for you to return?”

“I … yes.”

“What if you never return? I refuse to impose upon your sister’s charity.”

Unspoken words hovered between them like a silent mist, encompassing Dawn in a shroud of resentment. Cole had used her like his whore for months. Now he was leaving, proving how little he cared for her. He’d made her love him. Why couldn’t he find it in his heart to return even a tiny portion of that love?

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known beforehand that his heart wasn’t free to love, she told herself. He’d made it clear that he would never love again. But she’d kept hoping, praying for a miracle. Now it was too late to wish for anything but his speedy departure.

Cole reached for her. “Dawn, I …”

Dawn scooted out of his reach. “No, don’t touch me. What a fool I’ve been. You’ll never use me again, Cole Webster. Shadow Walker claimed me
as his wife, but Cole Webster used me as his whore.”

“Dammit, Dawn, it’s not like that.”

“How is it, Cole? I’m not the same girl you met in Dodge City. That girl and I share the same distrust of men but little else. In you I thought I had found a trustworthy man, but you are no better than Billy Cobb. You don’t abuse me physically, but there are times I’d rather suffer physical abuse than be used just to satisfy a man’s lust. I can never be more than a warm body to you. After Billy, I thought nothing could hurt me again, but I was mistaken. Somewhere on this earth dwells a man who will love me.”

She turned her back on him. Cole felt the finality of her words as keenly as he felt her coldness. He deserved the scorn she’d heaped upon him. Unfortunately, the thought of Dawn with another man made him crazy with jealousy. He turned her around to face him, his face dark and seething.

“If this is our good-bye, I want more than a cold shoulder from you.”

“It’s more than you deserve.”

“Damn you!” His mouth slammed down on hers, hard, determined, implacable. He kissed her until her head spun and her legs trembled. “You know we both want this!” he said, panting harshly.

“I don’t want you. I don’t want this,” Dawn shot back. “I want nothing more to do with you.”

“We’ll see about that.” Cole had no idea why he was acting so unreasonably. He was being a bastard and knew it. He was finding that guilt was an emotion that destroyed one’s good sense. Jealousy fed his obsession for Dawn. It wasn’t right for a
man to want a woman so badly he’d deny everything he held dear, all his precious memories, to have her.

“Don’t touch me!”

“I’m going to do more than touch you, sweetheart. When I finally come inside you, you’re going to remember it all the rest of your days. I’m going to make you as wild as you make me.”

Before Dawn could protest, he’d pinned her to the mattress with his body. Then he proceeded to live up to his promise. He slid down her body and shoved her legs apart, holding her in place with an arm across her hips as his mouth found her hot center. Dawn fought against the restraint, but his strength was too great for her. His mouth and tongue possessed her with an intensity she’d never known in him. She resisted fiercely, until all fight left her and she arched into his mouth with shameless abandon.

But he didn’t let her climax. Time and again he brought her to the brink, then left her wanting and mindless. Tortured beyond endurance, Dawn finally begged between sobs for him to finish it. He smiled darkly as he slid up her body and thrust into her. She climaxed immediately. He was still hard inside her. Then he began anew, arousing her till she twisted and writhed beneath him. This time they came together violently. Cole stayed inside her until she’d drained every last drop of seed from him. Then he withdrew and left the bed.

Cole spent the remainder of the night sprawled beneath the stars, making his bed under a tree. He stared at the dark sky, wondering if Dawn hated him enough to forget him. A blackness inside him
had driven him to do things he knew he’d regret later. He’d wanted to hear Dawn beg him to stay, to hear her say she loved him. Instead, he had turned her against him, telling himself it was what he wanted.

Dawn required more of him than he could give her. He needed to find answers to his doubts before he could dedicate his life to her. He’d done that once with Morning Mist. Until his doubts were resolved, he could make no commitments.

Silent tears ran down Dawn’s cheeks long after Cole left. He had forced a response from her against her will, and she’d never forgive him for that violation. She had always given to him freely, but this time he’d taken what he wanted. She was truly on her own now. She refused to avail herself of Ashley and Tanner’s hospitality when she was nothing to Cole but his whore.

Cole found Ashley alone in the dining room early the following morning. “I need to talk to you, Ash.”

“Sit down and have some breakfast. Tanner left early. He said he’d meet you at the mill.”

Cole sat but didn’t bother filling his plate with food. “I’m leaving.”

Ashley dropped her fork. “So soon? We’re just getting to know Dawn. I’m going to miss her.”

“Dawn isn’t coming with me.”

Ashley gave him a startled look. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m leaving Dawn with you and Tanner, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course we don’t mind. But why?”

“I’m returning to Indian country to find Running Elk.”

“Why must you keep running back to Indian country? I never could understand your preoccupation with Indian life. You’re white, Cole, you belong with your own kind. I couldn’t wait to leave Running Elk’s village behind.”

“I’m not going to stay, Ash. I need to return for my own peace of mind. I need to find myself, to come to grips with … certain things.”

“Do those things concern Dawn?”

“You always seem to know what’s in my head.”

“Do you love Dawn?”

“I don’t know. It’s something I intend to find out.”

“How do you expect to get answers while you’re hundreds of miles away? This separation could very well end the relationship between you and Dawn.”

“If you asked her right now, Dawn would tell you she hates me,” he said cryptically.

“What did you do to her?”

He flushed and looked away. “Ask Dawn.”

“Oh, Cole, why did you marry Dawn if you don’t love her?”

“It’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

“Suffice it to say, I felt responsible for Dawn. I’d killed her husband. She had no one. Half-breeds are treated with little regard, and she had no way to support herself. I decided to leave her with Running Elk, hoping she would find a husband
from among his people, someone who would love her as she deserved.”

“This is all very confusing. You said Dawn is your wife.”

“Circumstances demanded that we marry. We joined according to Indian customs.”

“What circumstances?” Ashley questioned relentlessly.

“You don’t give up, do you? Very well, if you must know the truth, I’ll tell you. Dawn carried my child. I felt it was the right thing to do.”

“Dear God! What happened to the child?”

Pain hardened Cole’s features. “Dawn lost our babe. She received repeated beatings from her husband during their marriage and wasn’t strong enough to carry the babe to term.”

“Thank God you killed the bastard,” Ashley said fiercely. “How could you think of leaving Dawn at a time when she needs you more than ever? She carried your child. You should have married her legally as soon as you reached civilization.”

“Dawn doesn’t want a husband whose heart isn’t free to love. I care for Dawn more than I’ve cared for any woman since Morning Mist. But I feel as if I’m being unfaithful to Morning Mist’s memory.”

“The hell with memories!” Ashley swore. “Memories can’t keep you warm at night, or give you children. I don’t know you anymore, Cole. You’ve grown hard and stubborn, and far too cynical. Put the past behind you. You need a flesh-and-blood woman to share your love.”

“Perhaps you’re right, but I still have to make
this journey. I need to know if the feelings I have for Dawn will survive a separation.”

“You’re a fool, Cole. Dawn might not be waiting for you when you return … if you return. No matter what you decide, I’ll always consider Dawn my sister-in-law. She’ll have a home here for as long as she cares to remain.”

“That’s all I wanted to know.” He hugged her hard. “I’ll go to the mill now and say my good-byes to Tanner.”

Ashley sat for a long time after Cole had left, wondering if she’d ever been as stubborn or hard-headed as her brother. The relationship between her and Tanner had been fraught with obstacles, but their problems seemed tame compared to Cole’s. His unwillingness to admit he loved Dawn was downright stupid. Men! When would they grow up and accept the inevitable without a fight?

Dawn entered the dining room, interrupting Ashley’s ruminations. She sat down, a pale ghost of herself.

“Are you all right?” Ashley asked anxiously.

“Cole’s leaving.”

“I know, he told me. Don’t fret, he’ll be back.”

Dawn’s lips turned down into a grimace. “I don’t want him. He’s used me for the last time. I have some money. I’ve decided to move to town after Cole leaves. I don’t want to impose on you any longer than necessary.”

“You’re not imposing. You’re Cole’s wife; you’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“I’m not Cole’s wife.” Dawn watched Ashley carefully, expecting her to exhibit disgust, or at the very least, surprise. When neither was forthcoming,
Dawn qualified, “I’m Cole’s whore.”

“Don’t you dare call yourself that name!” Ashley admonished angrily. “You were married in an Indian ceremony.”

“Cole told you?”

Ashley nodded. “Just this morning. He should have married you again in front of a minister as soon as you reached civilization.”

“Cole isn’t ready for that. I doubt he’ll ever be ready. What else did he tell you?”

“He told me about … the baby. I’m sorry. You must have been devastated.”

“Cole joined with me for the sake of our child. He didn’t want me. He’s never wanted more than my body. He doesn’t love me enough to marry me legally. He still grieves for Morning Mist. I’ve lived too many years with a man who cared nothing for me. I won’t let that happen again.”

“Cole will come to his senses and realize you’re what he wants.”

Dawn shook her head in fierce denial. “By that time it will be too late. I’m not waiting around for him to decide whether he wants me in his life or not.”

“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret,” Ashley advised. “Stay here as long as you like. Don’t rush off without thinking this over carefully.”

“I’ve thought of nothing else all night. I ask only one thing of you. Don’t tell Cole about our conversation, or my intention to leave.”

“Dawn, I don’t think—”

“Please! Promise me! I don’t want Cole badgering me about staying with you.”

“Very well, if it means that much to you,” Ashley
said. “What will you do? Where will you go?”

“I’ll find a job in town. I’ll do whatever is necessary to survive.”

“You love Cole a great deal, don’t you?”

Dawn smiled wanly. “I love him with my entire being … and hate him with equal fervor.”

“My God, what did he do to you?”

“Ask Cole. Excuse me, I can’t talk about this anymore.” She rose abruptly and departed hastily, leaving Ashley with her mouth hanging open.

A short time later Ashley rode to the mill to confront Cole. “What did you do to Dawn?” she demanded harshly.

“What did Dawn tell you?”

“Nothing! She told me nothing. My God, Cole, how could you hurt her? You’re not the brother I remember.”

“I’ve changed in many ways,” Cole said, “but I’ve never lifted a hand to Dawn. I don’t abuse women.”

“I know that. But there are other ways to hurt a woman. She told me she was your whore.”

Cole winced. “I won’t deny our relationship was based on strong mutual attraction, but we care deeply for one another. Dawn was never my whore. She was married to Shadow Walker. She carried his child. He gave her all he could give of himself. And so did I.”

“You talk as if you’re two people!” Ashley charged.

“In some ways I am.”

“You’re being stupid, Cole. One day you’ll wake up. I pray it’s not too late.”

“I didn’t say I won’t return,” Cole hedged.
“Meanwhile, Dawn will be safe here with you and Tanner.”

Ashley didn’t correct him. She had given her word to Dawn and she meant to keep it.