Shadow & Soul (22 page)

“How did you do it?”

“What?” Faith knew something was really wrong—she could see the turmoil on Bibi’s face—but she was clueless.

“Don’t play the stupid gash with me. How did you get away with it? I was right there! How?”

“Margot, I don’t—”

“Don’t you call me by my name. I am your
mother
, and you will treat me with some fucking respect.”

“Bibi?” Faith needed help.

“I’m sorry, baby.” Bibi turned to Margot. “Margot, sweetheart, you got this all wrong.”

“Shut it, Bibi.” Margot turned back to Faith, her eyes searing with anger. “
I told you to get rid of it
. I stood there and watched. I made sure! How the fuck did you do it?”

A cowl of sick sorrow fell over Faith’s shoulders as she understood what had Margot so upset. “Bibi, get him out of here. He doesn’t need to hear all this.”

Bibi nodded and carried Tucker toward the kitchen, pausing to squeeze Faith’s hand. “I’m so sorry. She was playing with him, and then it all changed.”

Tucker reached for Faith, leaning out of Bibi’s arms. “Fay!”

She kissed his pudgy hand. “Go with Granny, buddy.”

When they were clear of the room, Faith turned to her mother. “Tucker’s not mine, Mom.”

Margot laughed her contempt. “You lying little whore. I can see it. He looks just like his father.”

Yeah, he did. But that didn’t make him hers. “He’s Michael’s, but he’s not mine. You did make me get rid of mine.”

“You must really think I’m an idiot. You think I can’t see?” Margot brushed her hair back in the way she always had when she thought she’d won something. “Fine, then. Your father will take care of the problem his way, then. You made your choice.”

Faith had to make Michael go away before he came into the house and found this Margot. Struggling to keep memory at bay before it pulled her under completely and drowned her, she turned and headed back to the garage.

memory

Sitting on the bathroom floor, Faith pulled a length of toilet paper off the roll and blew her nose, then dropped the paper into the bowl and flushed. Not feeling ready to stand yet, she rested her forehead on the cool porcelain of the tub.

The door burst open, and her mother stood in the doorway.
She tossed a box into the room. It landed on the floor and slid until it stopped against Faith’s knee. Faith didn’t have to look to know what it was.

“Take them both. While I stand here.”

“Go away, Mom. I’m sick. I have the flu.” She knew it wasn’t the flu. But the past three weeks had been just fucking horrible, and she could not deal with her mother’s drama on top of it all. They’d been keeping her a prisoner, not letting her out of the house at all. They’d somehow arranged with the school to put her on independent study, like she was terminally ill or something.

Her father had said he had no intention of letting her out of the house again.

Faith pretty much didn’t care about anything anymore.

“Bullshit. Take the goddamn tests.”

“I just peed. I don’t have to go now.”

Her mother came all the way into the room and filled the glass on the counter with tap water. “Then drink this, because neither of us is going anywhere until you take those fucking tests.”

She drank, and puked again, and drank some more, and they waited, and then she peed. And peed again.

Her mother snatched the sticks out of her hand before the results were in. She stared at the sticks, and Faith stared at the floor.

“You stupid, stupid,
stupid
little slut!” Margot threw one of the sticks at her. “Look at that! What have you done?” She threw the other. Faith didn’t bother to look; her mother was all the result she needed to see.

Then Margot stormed over to her and grabbed her arm. “Get up! Get up! We’re going to see your father!”

Faith got up but pulled her arm away. “No, I’m not. Leave me the fuck alone!”

Margot slapped her across the face. Hard. And then again. Faith was too shocked to protect herself. For all her mother’s faults, she’d never before hit her. The third one was a punch that knocked Faith back onto her ass. And then Margot kicked her in the stomach. The angle was odd, and she didn’t connect with much force, but it was still horrible.

“Mom! Stop!” Faith cried out and curled into a ball.

Margot’s voice shook when she spoke again. “Get up or I’ll do worse. We’re going to your father right now.”

~oOo~

Her mother hadn’t even let her dress. She’d dragged her out of the house in her flannel pajama bottoms and cotton camisole, grabbing the zebra throw off the couch and throwing it over her shoulders as they got to the front door. She was still barefoot.

When they got to the clubhouse, it looked empty. The men who worked in the bike shop would be over there by now, so it was too late for girls to be straggling out. And it was too early for anybody to be in for cleaning or whatever. Her high heels clicking on the old linoleum floor, Margot dragged Faith in, shouting “BLUE! BLUE! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! BLUE!” as soon as they cleared the front door.

Faith felt like she’d left her brain in bed at home. She’d already left her heart on the shop floor, weeks ago. She wasn’t Faith anymore. All this was happening to somebody else. So she just let it happen.

It was Hoosier who came out, coming up from his office. “Jesus wept, Margie, what the fuck are you yowling about?”

Margot shoved Faith toward him, and he caught her. “HE KNOCKED HER UP! LITTLE WHORE IS PREGNANT! WHERE’S BLUE?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Hoosier hissed. He looked down at Faith and brushed her sore cheek. “You okay, darlin’?” Faith shook her head, and Hoosier looked at Margot. “You do this?”

“She’s
my
kid, Hooj. Watch your tone.”

Hoosier stared for a second, and then nodded. Faith wasn’t surprised. He’d leave it to Blue to handle. “Okay. Get in my office, and Margot, keep your fucking yap shut. I’ll get Blue.”

When her father came into the room, it was clear that Hoosier had told him there was trouble, but not what kind it was. He was wearing his shop coverall, and his long hair was tied back with a thin strip of leather.

He looked at Faith, but he didn’t smile. Since he’d found out about Michael, Faith didn’t think he’d smiled at her once. He frowned and came closer, grabbing her chin and turning her head. Then he turned to his wife. “Did you fucking hit her?”

Margot stood tall in the face of her husband’s anger. “She’s pregnant. That asshole knocked her up. When I caught ‘em, they weren’t using anything. I shoulda known.”

“Did you hit her?” he asked again.

“A slap. She mouthed off. Jesus, Blue, focus on the problem here!”

He turned back to Faith, his eyes narrow. “Is it true, Faith?” He hadn’t called her ‘kitty cat’ for weeks.

She nodded, and he shoved her away so hard she fell back, landing in an armchair.

“I will kill that motherfucker. I will skin him alive and I will kill him.” He punched the tall filing cabinet, then did it again, leaving a smear of blood behind. “FUCK!”

Faith’s mother closed in on her father. “She has to get rid of it.”

Blue spun and faced her. “What?”

“She can’t have that psycho’s baby. He’ll be in her life forever.”

In this morning full of disorienting waves of pain, sorrow, and fear, that exchange got Faith’s full attention. Her mother wanted her to have an abortion. Faith had no idea how she felt about any of this. She was sad and scared; that was all she knew. She hadn’t wanted to be a mother—not yet, and maybe not ever. But if she was having Michael’s baby, that meant that she hadn’t lost him. That changed everything.

“Fucking Christ.” He laced his fingers over the back of his neck and pulled his head down, then stayed like that for several seconds, in a pose Faith recognized as his struggle for control. Margot and Faith both watched and waited.

Faith wasn’t worried. Her mother was a shrieking bitch, but her father wouldn’t force her to do something like that. He loved her. And she wasn’t even sure how her mother thought she could force her at all. She wasn’t eighteen yet, but she couldn’t believe that somebody would do an abortion she didn’t want just because her mom said so. That was nuts.

“Daddy?”

At her plea, her father looked up. He met her eyes and then immediately looked away, to his wife. “Get her out of here. Go back home. I’ll be there when I can. Keep your mouth shut. Do not talk to anyone. Do not do anything until we talk. And do
not
fucking touch her again. Do you understand me?”

What Margot saw in Blue’s eyes must have been chilling, because she didn’t fight back at all. She simply nodded and held her hand out toward Faith. “Let’s go.”

Faith ignored her mother and focused on her father. “Daddy, I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes. “Get out of here, Faith. Just get out.”

~oOo~

Faith went to bed when she got home. She lay on her back and rubbed her belly. Michael’s baby was in there. She was scared, but she felt right, too. They couldn’t keep them apart now. And she knew that whatever her mother thought now, they wouldn’t make her ‘get rid of it.’ Maybe they would throw her out. She thought that might happen.

But she remembered her father raging one night about a girl Dusty had gotten pregnant. She’d had an abortion, and Dusty had beaten her for it. Blue had said he was right to do it, because ‘You don’t ever take a man’s child.’

So she knew it would be okay. When she heard her parents shouting at each other in the garage, she was sure of it.

When her father came in, carrying a tray with a grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of Diet Coke, she sat up and smiled. “Hi, Daddy.”

He set the tray on her desk and went back to close her door. Then he stood against it. “Your mama made an appointment at the clinic. I guess she knows somebody there, and she got you in tomorrow.”

Faith’s mind blanked. Was he talking about just a doctor visit? “What?”

“Your mama’s right. You can’t have that bastard’s kid. I won’t let him fuck you up more than he already did.” He looked down at the foot of her bed, like he couldn’t look her in the face. “So you will go tomorrow and get rid of it. And then we can try to put things back the way they belong.”

“Daddy, no. I don’t want—”

“Decision’s made, Faith Anne. The time for what you want is long past. Now you do what we tell you, and we put this all back to rights.”

“No.”

“I’m not giving you a choice.”

“What are you going to do? I don’t want that! It
is
my choice! Are you going to tie me down and force me? Throw me out if you don’t like it—I’ll leave right now. I’ll find Michael.”

Her father, her daddy, stormed to her bed and grabbed her up by both arms. “Don’t you ever talk about him in this house again. You will do as I say. And here’s why—if you don’t, I will kill him. I know just where he is right now. I could have him held for me with a phone call. I will kill him, Faith Anne, and I won’t make it clean. Make no mistake. If you defy me, that’s what will happen. You say it’s your choice? So make it.”

Her daddy was gone. The man whose hands were digging into her arms was somebody else. She was losing absolutely everything. It finally all hit her, all at once, and tears crashed over her. “Daddy, please!” she wailed, and he let go of her, dropping her back to her bed in a heap.

She could feel him still standing at the side of her bed, looking down at her, but she kept her face buried in her arms and let the weeping have its way with her.

“You will go tomorrow, and you will go quietly, or he dies tomorrow night.”

She nodded. She had no other choice.

When he next spoke, his voice was a little farther away and broken with emotion. “I don’t know where my baby girl went,” he said and then opened her door and went out.

~oOo~

Margot stayed with her the entire time, holding her hand, the picture of a supportive mother. No one could see that her grip around Faith’s fingers was punishingly tight.

They did lab work and an ultrasound first, and then there was counseling to confirm the pregnancy and describe the procedure, and to confirm that Faith was sure she wanted to proceed. At first, she couldn’t find a voice to say the word, so she nodded. The doctor or nurse or counselor or whoever it was told her that she needed to say the word.

She cleared her throat and spoke. The woman before her cocked her head and looked hard at her, and her mother’s hold on her intensified, so Faith tried again, and this time she was convincingly clear.

They let Margot stay with her for the procedure, too. On the evidence of the reactions of the nurse and a couple of other staff, it seemed like that was maybe unusual. Faith didn’t care. Margot could have gone out to the waiting room and read a back issue of
People
. She had won.

With no other choice but to let it happen, Faith let it happen.

~oOo~

That night, while Faith lay in bed curled up against the cramps, Sly purring on her pillow, Margot brought her a hot water bottle and a big bowl of chocolate marshmallow ice cream with chocolate syrup and whipped cream. She left the ice cream on the desk and came over to the bed. Gently setting the hot water bottle against Faith’s belly, she pulled up the comforter and then brushed her hand over Faith’s head.