Shades of Gray (40 page)

Danny rolled Miller over onto his back, reaching across his chest to fumble on the nightstand. He squirted lotion into his hand, heating it in his circling palms before he smoothed it on Miller in long, firm strokes. Miller arched his back against the bed, closing his eyes and chewing on the inside of his cheek, fighting for control as Danny straddled his body.

Miller opened his eyes and reached for the lotion himself while Danny lifted up onto his knees. Miller pushed into Danny with one finger, his eyes never leaving Danny’s face. “More,” Danny demanded, and Miller complied, a second finger joining the first, Danny’s guttural moan making Miller’s hips jerk against the bed.

Miller pulled his hand away, leveraging himself up to a sitting position, Danny resting on his thighs. “Like this… I want to be able to kiss you.”

“Yeah.” Danny leaned forward, his mouth quiet and soft but his tongue making different demands. “This way.” Danny lifted himself up and then lowered back down, slowly drawing Miller into his body. “Oh, God,” Danny moaned, his hands gripping Miller’s shoulders when Miller was all the way inside. “I missed you. Missed you so much.”

Miller groaned, his breath hitching in his chest. The pleasure of having Danny again and the anguish of knowing what they’d almost lost knotted the air in his lungs, his breathing labored and full of sorrow.

“Miller?” Danny questioned quietly, his body still.

“It’s just so much more.” Miller’s voice was choked, his words barely making it past his lips as he tried to explain what he could hardly put into words, hoping Danny would understand. “It’s so much 310 | Brooke McKinley

more than I ever thought I’d have.”

“I know, baby,” Danny soothed. “I know.”

Miller felt Danny’s tender kisses against his closed eyelids, gentle fingers running along his eyebrows, and then Danny was moving on him in the rhythm they’d found so easily in the past, their bodies remembering the way of it as if they’d never been apart, as if they’d only been waiting to find each other again.

“TURN over,” Miller mumbled, barely raising his head from Danny’s chest.

Danny looked down at him with raised eyebrows and Miller made a rolling motion with his hand. “Onto your side,” he prompted.

Danny didn’t want to move, his body sated and peaceful, but he turned onto his side, facing away from Miller.

“
Ahhh
,” Miller breathed, like a man who’d just discovered buried treasure, his fingers stroking feather-light against the snake tattoo.

Danny laughed, bringing one foot back to rub Miller’s calf. “I’m going to start thinking you only want me for that tattoo.”

“Not true,” Miller rumbled against his skin. “But it’s still about the sexiest thing in the world.”

Danny flipped onto his other side so he could see Miller’s face.

He didn’t know if now was the time to continue speaking truths, but he wanted them to start out honest, to not shy away from the hard questions and the even harder answers. “What happened with the FBI?” Miller sighed, the playfulness fading out of his eyes as he found Danny’s fingers and squeezed tight. “I knew it was time for me to leave. I couldn’t do that job anymore. Colin suggested I find something else, and I agreed with him. It started to go bad for me even before you, Danny. Meeting you only sped up the inevitable.”

“Have you found a new job?”

Miller shook his head. “Not yet. But I have an interview next Shades of Gray | 311

week with a firm that handles private investigations. The investigators are primarily ex-FBI agents; they take all kinds of cases, from the little domestic stuff to overflow from big court cases, both prosecution and defense. Colin recommended me for the job.”

“Is that something you want to do?”

“The smaller cases don’t sound like my type of thing. But some of the bigger ones, they could be interesting.” Danny kissed the hard knob of Miller’s shoulder bone. “I hate to see you settle for something.”

“Who gets everything they want, Danny, exactly how they want it? You have to decide the most important thing and go from there.”

“Where is this job?” Danny asked, his stomach cramping in anticipation. He knew in his heart that sacrifices would have to be made if he and Miller wanted to be together, but he didn’t know if he was ready to pull up stakes again; everything felt too new and raw for him to start over.

“Here,” Miller said, meeting his eyes. “In Chicago.”

“Do you… do you even like this city? Do you want to live here?” Miller shrugged. “I like Chicago fine. I’ve only been here a couple of times before. But you’re settled here, so I think this is where we should be, at least for now. You have a good job, right? Why mess with that?”

Danny smiled. “Well, depends on your definition of good. If by good you mean nice people, interesting work, then yeah, it’s good. If you mean a paycheck big enough to cover the rent, then no.”

“I meant a job you like, one you’re happy with.” Miller’s voice was serious. “And you must be doing well, or they wouldn’t want you to apply for the paralegal position.”

“Jill, the attorney I do most of my work for, seems happy with me. She thinks I’d be good at the paralegal job. And it’s more money, more responsibility.”

They watched each other in the quiet, Danny lulled by the sound 312 | Brooke McKinley

of Miller’s even breaths.

“So, are you going to apply for the job or not?” Miller asked eventually.

“Christ, you can take the man out of the FBI….”

“Shut up, dumbass,” Miller laughed. “Answer the question.”

“I don’t know. I’ll probably apply.”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“It just… it feels like I’m tempting fate, you know?” Miller cocked his head, his brow furrowing. “What do you mean?”

“I worry about setting myself up to fail, about letting people down. If I don’t try for a better life, then I don’t have to worry about disappointing anybody.”

Miller’s rubbed a soft circle on Danny’s thigh. “You’d be disappointing yourself, though, wouldn’t you, by not taking the chance?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Danny sighed. He knew his fear of failure, of not living up to expectations, was something he would have to conquer alone. But with Miller by his side, he thought he might be strong enough to start believing, to begin asking for more than life had given him so far. “But I’m not so sure about this job. A male paralegal? Isn’t that kind of like a male nurse?” He was only half-joking. “It just seems kind of weird.”

“Oh, Jesus.” Miller rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe I’m in love with such a fucking idiot.”

Danny moved swiftly, pinning Miller to the bed with his full weight, groaning helplessly when their naked bodies came together. He took a deep breath, steadying himself, forcing his hips to stop their slow glide against Miller’s.

“Danny?”

“Yeah?”

“What you said earlier, about being the same mess you’ve always Shades of Gray | 313

been. Do you really believe that?”

Danny raised his eyes to Miller’s. “I don’t know. It depends on the day.” He sighed, worrying a corner of the sheet between his fingers.

“Sometimes it depends on the hour.” He looked down at Miller’s smooth chest, studying the few freckles sprinkled there. He hadn’t realized until this moment how much he’d missed them.

Miller touched his face, stroking a lazy line down his cheek. “Do you remember in the apartment how you were always on me about seeing everything in black and white? You kept telling me people are more complicated than that.”

“Yeah.”

“It applies to you, too, you know. You’ve got to start cutting yourself the same slack you offer everyone else.”

“I just… I didn’t want you to have to give up everything,” Danny said quietly.

“Oh, Danny,” Miller breathed, holding Danny’s face with gentle hands. “Look at what I got in its place.”

Danny’s first instinct was to protest, but there was no denying the happiness he saw in Miller’s eyes, the hard planes of his face smoothed out with contentment as they stared at each other. He remembered the easy way Miller’s body had moved just now when they’d made love, no holding back. And he could still hear the sparkle in Miller’s laugh, picture the loose curves of his smile. Maybe Danny Butler, with all his faults and failings, had something worth giving after all.

“Do you see?” Miller asked, his eyes never leaving Danny’s, one hand stroking his arm in a whisper-light caress.

“Yes,” Danny’s voice was low, his tears so close now. “I see.” He attempted a wobbly smile, rubbing the tips of his fingers against the stubble on Miller’s jaw. “I’m glad you came here,” he said. “I’m glad you came to find me.”

Miller’s eyes clouded over a little. “I wasn’t sure. You didn’t seem happy at first.”

Danny rested his forehead on Miller’s collarbone. “It’s always 314 | Brooke McKinley

going to be hard for me, Miller. To believe in myself, to believe I can really change. But I’m trying; I’ll keep trying.” He paused. “I’ve hurt everyone who’s ever cared about me. Ruined them. It’s hard not to think about that.”

“You didn’t ruin me, Danny,” Miller whispered against his temple. “I’m fine and I’m right here.”

Danny drew in a shuddering breath, a lone tear spilling over onto Miller’s skin.

“How do you feel about me?” Miller murmured against his hair.

Danny inhaled, rough and deep. “I love you.”

“Is it strong?” As he spoke, Miller ran a warm hand down Danny’s back.

“God, yes.” Danny felt that strength, that bond, that love for Miller in all parts of himself—heart, mind, body, and soul.

“Look at me,” Miller said, and Danny did, tilting his face until his chin rested on Miller’s shoulder. “That’s how I feel about you, Danny.

Just as strong, just as real, and it’s not going to go away.”

“So we’re in this together.” Danny’s voice shook but he didn’t look away.

Miller smiled, his eyes calm and steady and sure. “Yeah, Danny Butler, we’re in this together.”

“OKAY, seriously, you guys, shut up! I’m trying to give a toast!” Jill’s voice carried beyond their oversized corner booth, causing the bartender across the room to glance in her direction with an indulgent smile.

“I think that bartender likes you,” Danny noted, pointing with his beer bottle.

Jill glanced over her shoulder. “Shit, Danny, he has a mullet! I’m not that desperate.”

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Danny laughed mid-swallow, threatening to snort beer out of his nose.

“Attractive,” Jill said dryly. She shot Miller a sympathetic look.

“I don’t know how you put up with him.”

Miller smiled, pushing Danny’s foot with his own. Jill tapped hard against her wineglass with a fork. “Okay, everybody raise your glasses. Come on, come on,” she urged. “To Danny, our newest paralegal.”

“Hear, hear!” Ellis called, clinking his glass against Danny’s.

“Way to go!” Taylor hooted from across the table. “You’re going to do great, Danny.”

The ring of faces around the table were all smiling, cheeks flushed from one too many beers, the rising laughter drowning out the warbling jukebox. It felt good to be sitting here among the people he thought of as his friends. Danny felt a finger brush against his hand, underneath the table. He glanced down and then up, catching Miller’s eye.

“Congratulations, Danny,” Miller said solemnly, but his eyes were smiling. “You are now the legal equivalent of a male nurse.”

“Shut up, asshole,” Danny laughed, threading his fingers through Miller’s where no one could see. No one at the table would care, but Miller was still skittish in public. He usually didn’t touch Danny unless they were alone. But tonight he held Danny’s hand and moved it onto his thigh, his warm leg heating Danny’s fingers.

Jill smiled at Danny from across the table as she looked from him to Miller and back again, raising her wineglass in a tiny, private toast.

“Hey, Ellis,” she said. “Tell Miller the story about that dickhead FBI agent we worked with on the Compton case, remember that guy?”

“Oh, Jesus,” Miller protested, leaning forward to rest his free elbow on the table. “Haven’t you already told me that one, Jill? I’m pretty sure—”

“Ellis tells it better,” Jill grinned.

Miller sighed good-naturedly, giving Danny a sideways smile.

316 | Brooke McKinley

Danny was struck with a jolt of déjà vu when he saw Miller’s face happy and peaceful, like it had been that very first time they’d made love in the snow-shrouded apartment, like it had been on so many days since they’d come together again.

You’re doing that, Danny. You’re making him happy.

That look on Miller’s face was something Danny could believe in, more than words or promises. He could believe in the joy he saw in Miller when they were together. And he could feel it inside himself, too, the tiny spark growing stronger with each day he spent next to Miller Sutton.

Danny knew he still carried his darkness and it would never go quietly, always waiting for its moment, whispering of other choices in the cold hours of night, beckoning Danny with a traitor’s fingers. He thought the same was true of Miller, who was too quiet some days, avoiding Danny’s eyes; Danny suspected he was mourning the life that was no longer his, struggling to accept his choices. But so far their love had proved deeper than their doubts, their faith in each other more unshakeable than the fear.

And for today they were happy. Danny didn’t know about tomorrow. But he could live with the uncertainty, because what they had right now was pretty goddamn good.

“Hey,” Jill called. “Earth to Danny! You’ve got to hear this story.”

Danny leaned forward with a smile, resting his shoulder against Miller’s, and listened.

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BROOKE MCKINLEY has always been practical. So after college she continued on to law school, instead of pursuing her lifelong dream of writing novels. She didn't stop writing but confined it to scribbles on the edges of yellow legal pads and hurried paragraphs during late-night coffee breaks. After ten interesting and challenging years as a criminal defense attorney, Brooke left the practice of law to try something new.

She now divides her time between corralling her children and giving voice to the endless characters in her head. And she has decided that practicality is vastly overrated.