Shades of Atlantis (8 page)

Are you? My voice broke, making my words sound weak, but he was the one who’d brought it up.

Caleb looked at me for a moment, and in that brief instant I saw his apprehension. My hand’s been forced, he said stoically. I’d always hoped one day I would meet her, the one, but I never expected it to be as complicated — I don’t know how I can continue to deny it. The twinge of pain in my heart suddenly became an ache so strong I wanted to press my hand to my chest. I resisted. Instead I lowered my eyes to my hands so he wouldn’t see the tears that were about to brim over.

Wow! he exclaimed, sounding so relieved my heart ached again. Not as difficult to admit to you as I thought it would be. There it was; I had clear confirmation he belonged to someone else. I didn’t know until now how horrendous it would feel. One tear escaped, running down my right cheek where he couldn’t see. I left it there, knowing it would be far more evident if I wiped it away.

Are you upset? Caleb sounded baffled. I thought you’d be happy it’s finally out in the open.

I couldn’t look at him to see his expression. It took every ounce of my will power and the remainder of my shattered dignity just to lift my eyes to look ahead and sound happy. No, I’m not upset. I paused when my voice was about to break. I’m happy for you, really. I’m sure it must be a relief for you to finally get that off your chest. Then I sighed louder than I’d meant to.

What’s going through your head? He sounded intensely interested, and I could feel his probing eyes on me again.

I was thinking about how much I’m going to miss this town, I lied. It was less humiliating than the truth.

You’re leaving? The alarm in his voice made me turn to him.

London, I forced through a tight throat.

Okay, then, he stated evenly as if he was agreeing with me. I didn’t get his attitude, but I somehow got the impression we were carrying on two completely different conversations. He turned to me and put his hand on my headrest.

Why London?

Why did he have to ask that? I wasn’t up to any more embarrassing conversations, and my reason for choosing London over every other place in the world seemed a bit stupid to most people. I could only imagine what Caleb would make of it. I desperately searched my brain for a suitable substitute for the truth. Caleb’s eyes sparkled at me, burning into me; he wanted to know the truth, and despite myself I had to tell him.

You’ll probably think it’s crazy, I warned him, my cheeks flushing again.

Try me. He grinned and butterflies filled my insides.

I don’t have many memories of my parents. They died in a car crash when my brother and I were very young. My breathing staggered when Caleb shifted in his seat, inching himself nearer to me. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make my heart beat faster. I lowered my gaze again to help calm my breathing. They met in London, I continued. My aunt told me the story. They both grew up near here, but they never met until the summer after they graduated high school when they were both in England on vacation. I peeked up to check if he was still listening, and he was absorbing every word I said. My aunt told me they were just walking down the road one day. It was love at first sight, they just knew — They never had a full day apart again until the day they died. I bit my lip to compose myself.

Caleb sat silently, waiting for me to continue.

I don’t remember my mom ever telling me herself, but she must have the night she died. The very last thing she said before she put me to bed was I should never be afraid of who I am and that she loved me and would always be with me. She told me that she had to leave home to find her home and someday I would too. I remember the feel of her lips on my forehead so clearly. I sighed, touching the spot with my fingertips briefly. You must think I’m insane to travel halfway across the globe because my dead mother told me I should. I looked up to Caleb, watching me mesmerized, as if every word I spoke had great significance to him.

On the contrary, I understand about the lengths someone will go to for family. He chuckled once darkly at something in the conversation or maybe thinking about the lengths he would go to for the blonde.

Anyway, I continued, frowning a little. My aunt told me my mother always said that sometimes home wasn’t where you were born or raised, that sometimes it was a place or a feeling, or a person — My words faded as I remembered the first night we met.

So your parents were soul mates? Caleb asked.

I pursed my lips doubtfully. Hmm, I don’t know about that. Caleb shifted again. He was almost as bad as Amanda for moving about in his seat. He reached out to me, and I realized I was rubbing my leg again.

He placed his hand over mine to stop the movement, his skin so soft and warm it sent tingles coursing up my arm and through my body. I stared at him, disconcerted for a moment, and blinked several times before gathering myself enough to speak.

What? He had just asked me something, but in the fog his touch on my skin created, I didn’t hear. He smiled again, amused by my reaction or my last answer, I wasn’t sure which.

You don’t believe in soul mates? he repeated.

No was the short answer but it simplified it too much.

I’ve always thought the story was a bit sad, I told him.

Caleb pulled his hand away and draped it across his lap, his eyes narrowed. The story?

The one about the perfect beings that were so happy before they were separated and forced to wander the world looking for each other. He blinked in recognition. You’re talking about Plato?

Yes. I tried not to sound too pessimistic; my heartache was still raw.

Did I really need to be discussing love and soul mates with the object of my unrequited affection? What happens if they never find each other, or if they do and one of them is already with someone? I paused thinking how that particular scenario reflected my own situation. Or if one dies and the other is still wandering around aimlessly searching for their true love. Caleb laughed at my insane ramblings, a laugh so vibrant that if it were visible it would be speckled with gold dust. I grimaced at him, but it only seemed to amuse him further.

I’d wager you’re the type of person who needs to read the last page of a book first to see the happy ending implied throughout the story? Yes, I had been known to read the last page first, but I didn’t understand what he was getting at. I pouted childishly, waiting for an explanation to his mirth. The chuckling eased, but he was still grinning.

The elation of finding a soul mate, of being reunited? Becoming one whole again. Right. He was a hopeless romantic and had apparently found his soul mate wandering around New York. At least that’s how it looked by the way he was so enthused. I crossed my arms over my chest petulantly, keeping my fists clenched.

My parents died, I whispered. Not exactly what I’d call a happy ending. Caleb stopped laughing then. Unexpectedly, the hand that was draped across his lap lifted to my face, the back of his fingers lightly grazing over my burning cheek. I flinched away from his touch, but not because I didn’t like it. It felt as though my body recognized it and the nerves beneath my skin reach out to him; it sent shivers down my spine. He dropped his hand back to his lap. Even this small reaction to him seemed to please him immensely.

I’m sorry for laughing; I didn’t mean to offend you. His expression became more serious. You don’t believe souls go on? That we get to be with the people we love some day for eternity?

You mean like heaven? My brow creased in amazement at the direction our first real conversation had taken.

Caleb’s lips formed a straight line as he pondered my question and then relaxed into a smile again. Not exactly. He paused seeming to consider again. Not in the way you mean, anyway.

We sat quietly for a few minutes staring at each other. Caleb looked like he was taking in every detail of my face. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his. The only sounds were the engine, the music playing low, and the sound of uneven breathing.

I have to go to New York for a few days, he finally said.

I turned sharply to look out the window. He was going to her, and I didn’t want to know.

There are things that can’t wait any longer, Caleb continued, as if I should to know what he was talking about. I watched the beams of the silver moonlight reflect off the black water that lapped against the shore of Curtis Island.

I’ll be back as soon as I can. It sounded like a guarantee. I could tell he wanted me to say something. What could I possibly have to say about his relationship and the reasons he was going back to New York? I’ll see you when I get back, he continued. It was an instruction, a promise phrased like a question. The intent behind it shook me and my heart thudded.

Of course, I told him, turning back to his determined face. I don’t leave until June. I’ll be here.

His smile left me both confused and saddened. Confused about why he wanted to see me again so badly and saddened because I knew it would hurt. I smiled back regardless, unable to have any other reaction to the ecstatic light in his eyes.

Then everything became strange. Neither of us was able to draw our gaze away. The magnetic field that I felt the first night was there between us again, pulling us toward each other. I was stopped by the thought of Caleb having these same feelings when alone with his girlfriend, and I pulled back. My breathing was rapid, and I scrunched my eyes shut tight trying to control it. When I opened them again, Caleb’s back was pressed to the driver’s door, looking at me as if I’d just slapped him.

I’m sorry. He closed his eyes and lowered his head. I don’t know what I’m doing. He twisted properly into his seat and grabbed the wheel again.

He sounded so tormented I wanted to comfort him some way. I didn’t want to accept that he knew that just being so close to him was hurting me.

Do you mean here with me? My words sounded strangled.

No! He looked astounded. No. I mean this whole situation. I’d never — there’s still so much to be agreed. I shouldn’t even be here. My heart was racing again. Well, take me home, then. There was no disguising the hurt I felt.

No!

I looked away, tears were threatening again. What was going on? I didn’t want to be here, but I didn’t want to leave Caleb either. I heard him exhale.

Unless you want to leave? If you don’t want to be here with me? he added reluctantly.

No, I admitted in a hushed voice. I do want to be here, with you. I didn’t turn back to him.

After a few minutes of neither of us saying anything, the music changed on the CD.

I like this one. I commented on the slow ballad that had just started and gazed distractedly out the window at nothing.

I do too, Caleb agreed in a less troubled voice. I can empathize with the guy. He laughed quietly to himself.

Why? Again I was too interested in what he was thinking to care if I stepped over any personal boundaries, but I still didn’t look at him.

He chuckled once bleakly before answering. Well, he’s found himself in a situation with a woman where everything and everyone else in his life has ceased to matter. Nothing exists without her. He can’t find the right words to let her know, and even when they’re in a room full of people — she’s the only thing he sees.

Oh, I murmured. It was the only thing I could think to say while my stomach was twisting so violently. He really does love her.

Dance with me.

I turned to him. He was smiling broadly again.

What, d-dance? I stammered. Here?

He nodded. We have the music and the lights, what else do we need? My heart began to pound rapidly. Heat it’s freezing! I protested.

I’ll keep you warm, I promise. He smiled persuasively and winked. It’s the least I can do, seeing as you missed the dance tonight.

What, give me pneumonia? I grumbled, but he was already out of the jeep and walking over to hold my door open for me.

I quickly pulled my hair loose from the knot at the back of my neck and ran my fingers through it. At least my ears would be warm. The snow crunched under my feet; it was freezing, and I shivered almost instantly.

Caleb held out his hand to me, and I pouted but took it. Like before, I noticed his skin was smooth and warm. He led me around to a patch of ground in front of the jeep where the heat from the engine and the low lights made the cold air swirl like smoke over our feet. Caleb stood inches from me, the lights from the headlights making his golden skin gleam. For a moment, nerves took over and I wasn’t sure where to put my hands, not used to being made to dance on mountain tops.

Triona, Caleb sighed, exasperated after a few moments of my hands waving from his shoulder to his back, to his waist and then back again. He smiled, his eyes creasing, and I was sure it was meant to be reassuring, but instead it just made it hard to breathe.

Sorry, I whispered.

He took my hand in his again and raised it to his chest, just over his heart.

Then he slipped his other hand around my waist to my back, pulling me to him so our bodies were pressed together lightly. Tingles ran up my back as we started to move together slowly. It was effortless; we moved without thinking, like we were made to fit. I slid my hand around to his back and heard him inhale, his face buried in my hair. The scent from his skin was dizzying, and each shallow breath I took was filled with it.