Sex Snob (6 page)

As I waited for them to arrive, I enjoyed one of my favorite pastimes: people watching.
I have always enjoyed imagining what each person’s story is and see how they interact.

The crowd mostly consisted of people in their twenties and thirties.
God dammit, Colin. There
are
older people than me
here
. One couple on the dance floor caught my eye. I named them immediately. “Jamie” was grinding her ass shamelessly against “Shawn’s” crotch, and I watched them move to the beat of the music as “Shawn” grabbed her hips. I’ve often wondered how guys didn’t come in their pants when this happened. Of course, maybe they did. I had no way of knowing.

With her three-inch heels, black mini-skirt, and neon pink tube top, I imagined that “Jamie” was training for her new job.
I looked around for a nearby pole, hoping that she would be able to complete the stripper image I’d envisioned for her, but I couldn’t find one.

Then she spun around to face “Shawn” and draped one hand on his shoulder, while the other explored his chest and stomach.
They were both hot and damn good dancers, so I actually kind of enjoyed watching them. That is, until they started making out. Then they just looked like trashy teenagers who needed to be pulled apart by a chaperone at a high school dance.

These two reminded me of why I’d come up with Rule Number 3:
Don’t kiss in bars. It makes people look classless. It is for this reason that no matter how badly I want a guy, I refuse to be all over him in public.

Finally, Steph and the two drunks arrived to help me.
We devised a plan, which involved Danielle distracting the bouncer while Steph and Lily scanned the wall for my ID. The problem was, that’s as far as we got with our plan. Danielle made her way to the bouncer and immediately engaged him through conversation and her tits, while Lily and Steph moved closer to the wall of IDs behind him. However, they were prevented from getting closer than four feet from the IDs
because, though Danielle had successfully turned the bouncer away from us, he was still blocking much of the wall.
Then, I saw Lily reach into her purse, and she began using the camera on her phone to zoom in on the IDs.
Genius.
Within a few minutes she had found it.

Lily excitedly pointed it out to me,
then stepped back. She had found it, but she wasn’t about to do my dirty work for me.
It was approximately three feet above the bouncer’s left shoulder, and with Danielle to his right, I thought I could easily step up on the table nearby and reach up to grab it without him noticing. I handed my clutch to Steph to hold and used a chair to hoist myself up. I climbed cautiously onto the table and checked to my left. The bouncer was facing the opposite way, still preoccupied with Danielle.

Even in my drunken state, I was able to balance myself relatively well on the wobbly high-top table while I stretched up to reach my ID.
I eyed it closely, remembering how often I had thought of this ID and the fun times it brought me until its life had been tragically cut short by an O’Leary bouncer one fateful night during the summer of 2005.

Just as I grabbed hold of it to pull it down, I was awoken from my nostalgic daydream to a hand latching onto my ankle.
Fuck, he’d seen me.
By pure instinct, I shook my leg to escape his hold. And with one quick jerk, I kicked him in the face. Accidentally, of course. But it didn’t matter. I pulled the ID down between my fingers as he reached up higher, grabbing onto the top of my romper.

Then I heard a sound I recognized immediately: fabric ripping.
I had no choice but to reach down and grab hold of my clothes to keep myself covered up when my strap broke. With my ID and romper gripped tightly in one hand, I was powerless to resist the bouncer’s efforts. He easily brought me down off the table, holding me tightly in place with one hand and snatching the ID from my hand with the other. He tacked it to the wall again directly behind him with a threatening glare.

I squirmed and screamed for him to let me go, but my efforts were futile.
I was too drunk and too concerned with keeping my romper above my boobs to escape.

“Call the cops!” he yelled to one of the other bouncers.
Then he directed his booming voice at me. “You kicked me in the fucking face. You shouldn’t even be in here. You’re underage!” he shouted.

“No, that’s not mine
. Well, it
is
mine, but it’s old. I mean,
I’m
old. My friend has my real ID,” I said, pointing to Steph, who was still holding my clutch.

“She
is
old,” I heard a deep voice confirm.

Thanks for the help, Colin
, I thought as I rolled my eyes at him
.

Steph handed the bouncer my license, and he let me go to examine it.
“Well, I guess you’re allowed to be in here,” he said, disapprovingly as he handed it back to me. “But the cops are on their way already. You’ll have to explain all this to them when they get here.”

Shit
.
I sat down in a chair, trying to figure out what to do next. I
had
kicked him in the face. I would probably be arrested for assault. A few minutes passed before I saw the police pull up, and the bouncer got up to meet them outside so he could talk to them. I saw him pointing to his eye, where the skin was already beginning to bruise and swell. He gestured wildly to the two officers, presumably describing the story in detail as he made me out to be a complete lunatic.

I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but something inside me just took over.
Adrenaline? Fear? Maybe it was just the alcohol. I wasn’t sure. But I knew I had my one shot to escape. I looked at the guys. Then I looked at Steph, Lily, and Danielle. “Run,” I said calmly. Then, I jumped up suddenly, grabbed my ID off the wall again and ran through the bar toward the back deck. It took a second for the group to realize what was happening, but they quickly followed.

I was so frantic, I didn’t even care that I wasn’t holding my romper up anymore.
My left boob bounced freely as I sprinted out the back doors and onto the crowded deck.
What a dumb fucking move.
There was nowhere to go. I pulled the fabric up to cover myself and turned around to see the bouncer and two cops yelling and pushing through the crowd.

Not only would I be arrested for assault, but they would probably tack on resisting arrest as well.
So I did what any normal person would do in this situation: I let go of my clothing again, gripped my fake ID and clutch tightly, and jumped off the deck into the Delaware River.

But no one followed me.

As I resurfaced and began to swim downstream toward the riverbank about fifty yards away, I noticed the police reach the girls and speak to them. But it was impossible to hear the conversation over my frantic breathing and clumsy swimming. I just hoped those bitches weren’t snitches.

***

At about 1:45 in the morning, I arrived at Steph’s house by cab, drenched from head to toe. As I opened her door, I saw the three of them sitting in the living room, clearly relieved to see me.

“We tried to call you,” Danielle said.
“What the fuck happened to you?”

“Um, my phone doesn’t work, dumbass,” I said sarcastically, tossing it onto Steph’s dining room table and spinning around in my wet clothing with one tit hanging out to remind them that I had just taken a midnight dip in the fucking Delaware an hour ago.
I would need to get a new phone the next day.

“
You’re
the dumbass,” Lily shot back. “The cops just wanted to talk to you. When they saw you reach the shore, they said that it was probably enough punishment that you swam in that filthy water. Besides, I think they were relieved that they didn’t have to haul some drunk girl out of the river.”

Then, without warning, Dan emerged from the kitchen with a skillet, singing, “Who wants pancakes?” to the beat of the song
I Want Candy
. When he saw that I was half-naked, he stopped short, spatula in hand.

I just shook my head, plopped myself down on a chair next to where he was standing, and tossed my fake ID onto the table proudly.
“Here’s to a good night from hell,” I said smiling, as I snatched a pancake off the hot skillet with my bare hands and shoved it in my mouth.

Three

I sat on the black mats pretending to warm-up. I had a hangover from hell, so I figured that I may as well also
be
in hell. This is why I dragged my ass to CrossFit after work Wednesday. I needed to purge my system of all of the alcohol and contaminated river water I had imbibed.
I may throw up all over the gym, but fuck it
. After what I had done last night, puking would pale in comparison.

Last night replayed in my mind.
Had I really jumped off the deck of a bar?
Fucking right I had, and it was awesome. I smiled slightly as the image of my three
best girlfriends sitting in Steph’s living room, waiting for my wet, drunk ass to show up entered my mind.
It is a wonder they hadn’t had me committed.

I gave up the stretching and threw my body back so that I was supine on the mats, my arms splayed out.
I probably looked like a chalk outline at a crime scene. I closed my eyes as I listened to the blaring music and the grunting of men who were lifting weight that was too heavy for them. I think I had almost fallen asleep when I heard
his
voice.

“Okay, Kate, get their stats,” Shane yelled as the class before mine finished their workout.

My eyes remained closed until my body felt that familiar jolt of electricity. I opened them to find Shane staring down at me, looking amused. “What?” I snapped, not in the mood for his shit today, and also somewhat annoyed at the way my body naturally responded to his.

“Rough day?" he asked, trying to suppress a laugh, but failing miserably.

“Night,” I mumbled, throwing my arm over my eyes to signal that I wanted him to leave me alone.

“Rough night? What did you do? Go out with your harpy friends, get annihilated, and spread cheer and mirth to fellow Pennsylvanians?”

His sarcasm didn’t escape my attention.
I moved my arm and struggled to sit up. “If you must know, Sir Snoops-a-lot, I did go out last night with my
awesome
friends, I perhaps got
slightly
intoxicated, and definitely spread cheer and . . . wait, did you say
mirth? Who the fuck says that? Anyway, long story short, I had a good night from hell. Now if you’ll excuse me, since you are clearly too wrapped up in my life to do your job, I’m going to go warm up.” I stood with more grace than I thought possible and stalked away from him.

“A good night from hell, huh? I’ve had a few of those,” he called after me.

“Sweetheart,” I replied sweetly, “our definitions of good nights from hell are different.
Mine involves a late night swim in the Delaware River as I flee the police. Yours involves LSD and duct tape. Good night for you, hell for her.” I let this sink in as I continued walking.
Think he was in my league, did he? Glad I set that one straight.

The workout was over forty-five
minutes later, and I was drenched in sweat. I had no doubt that I smelled like a still, since I’m sure I was perspiring about 85% alcohol. Someone could probably get drunk just by licking me.
Hmm, I wonder what Kyle is up to . . .

“Okay, guys, good work.
Tell Kate your times and don’t forget, we’re going out Friday in Manayunk. We’re starting at The Lucky Goose at ten. We hope to see you all there.”

I started hobbling toward the cubbies when Kate bounded up to me.

“Hey, Amanda, are you coming on Friday?” she asked sincerely.

“Umm . .
. ” I was cornered. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, necessarily. I just hadn’t made up my mind yet and wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to going. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Coward.

“Great
. We’re going to have such a good time. I’ll see you Friday,” she squealed as she bounced off toward the office.

“See ya,” I called after her as I gathered my stuff.
When I turned around, I saw Kate throw her arms around Shane. He hesitated, then drew his arms around her awkwardly.
He must not like PDA either
. And as I walked to my car, I felt that familiar pang of disappointment again. It was really getting on my nerves.

***

Thursday, Master Bader was in a particularly foul mood and made me run the LaPorte numbers
again
. He also wanted me to research any other known assets the company had acquired in the past five years.
Isn’t that what we had interns like Hot Rod for? To do the bullshit so we could focus on our other clients?

So, after pretending to re-run the numbers and delegating the assets assignment where it belonged, to Hot
Rod, I focused on my other responsibilities. And I actually got a lot accomplished with only minimal prompting from Steph. I also managed to get a sweet picture of Rod licking yogurt off his finger. I almost came on the spot.

At 5:15, I packed my stuff and headed to the gym.
By 7:30, I was walking into my apartment. CrossFit had been uneventful, and Shane and I barely interacted. I had left feeling weird, like my experience wasn’t fulfilling without some kind of banter with him. Oh well, I was sure I’d get plenty of opportunities to make his life miserable tomorrow.

“Honey, I’m home,” I yelled as I walked toward the kitchen.
I found Lily running around like a madwoman as pots overflowed and something lay charred on the counter. I eyed her suspiciously, “What’s up?”

She sighed as she turned toward me, her face flushed and her eyes misty.
“I tried to cook dinner,” she pouted.

“And cook it you did.
Really
cooked it,” I responded as I inspected the burnt meat. I think it was meat. I’d have to eat it to be sure, and that was definitely
not
happening.

She slumped down in a chair, rested her elbow on the table, and propped up her head with her hand.

“Hey, Lily, what’s wrong?” I asked, truly concerned.

“Who is ever going to want to be with me if I can’t even cook a simple meal?

Oh, shit, here we go.
“Lily, that’s silly. No one cares that you can’t cook.”

“How could they not care?
I’m not domesticated at all. I’d make a lousy wife.” She dropped her head so that her hand now covered her eyes. She’d had these brief sad bouts since spring. Thankfully, they had started becoming fewer and farther between.

“Lily, look at me.”
I bent slightly at the waist to get closer to her level as she slowly lifted her head and met my eyes. “He
didn’t leave because you couldn’t cook. And he wouldn’t have stayed if you could.” I uttered the words softly. I knew how she felt: lonely, depressed, and more than a little broken. She just needed to give it more time.

“I just miss him so badly sometimes.
Sometimes I just think that, if I could make myself a better person, he’d come back.” The tears slipped over the rim of her eye and streaked down her cheeks. My heart felt for her in this moment. I didn’t want to see her hurting.

I sighed, “Lily, you are a good person.
I know you doubt that sometimes, but it’s the God’s honest truth. If you guys are meant to be, then you’ll be. If not, you’ll find the person who is meant for you.” I straightened up. “Now, let’s trash all this crap and order a pizza.”

She smiled slightly.
“Okay.”

“Good.
Let me just throw my gym bag in my room, and then we’ll decide where we want to order from. Look on TV and see if any good movies are on.”

Lily nodded her head and I spun around and made my way out of the kitchen. When I reached the doorway, she said, “Amanda?” I turned my head around to look at her. “Thanks,” she smiled, more genuinely this time.

“Anytime,” I replied.

After dropping my bag in my room and changing my clothes, I plopped down beside Lily in the living room. I registered the mov
ie she had chosen:
Jerry McGuire
. I glanced over at Lily, who would clearly take a happily ever after any way she could get it, and smiled. “This chick couldn’t get any more cliché if she tried.” Those types of movies were always so predictable. And the long, over-the-top speeches? It was all a little much for my taste. As I settled back into the couch, I couldn’t resist rolling my eyes at the dialogue.
She owes me for this one.

***

Friday morning, I arrived at work to find out that Master Bader had taken the day off.
Miracles do happen.
After I finished running around the office like a kid on Christmas morning and gossiping with my co-workers about his possible reasons for being out (which ranged from his dick finally tiring of the incessant abuse and coming off mid-stroke
to him being up all night burying bodies in his backyard), I finally settled down and did some work.

By the end of the day, I had caught myself up on three accounts, played a rousing game of office
wiffle ball, and took some Pulitzer worthy pictures of Hot Rod. At 4:00, I declared my day finished and I left for home, feeling like the rebel that I was.

***

It was nearly 8:30 and I had decided on a tangerine colored cotton jersey dress with cap sleeves for Kate’s birthday extravaganza. I spun once in front of the mirror. The length was short, falling mid-thigh, but I liked the flirty appeal of it. It did have a plunging
V-neck, which revealed some serious cleavage, but I was all about flaunting my assets. Overall, the look I was going for tonight was cute and fun, and this outfit definitely got that across. These people saw me drip sweat multiple times a week, so I figured casual chic was a fine option. I paired it with a chunky necklace and some flip-flops. I briefly considered a heel, but I didn’t know how much bar hopping would be involved tonight, so I decided to stick with comfort.

I had desperately tried to get someone to go with me, but I found no takers.
The girls were still recovering from Tuesday, and it was also probably a little too soon for them to want to be seen out in public with me. I tried wrangling Kyle next, but he said that Manayunk had lost its appeal for him ten years ago.
Really? Ten years? He was barely thirty-three.

Though I had to admit, I wasn’t too thrilled about going to Manayunk either.
Manayunk was a neighborhood on the outskirts of Philadelphia. It had one main street, aptly named Main Street, that was home to a ton of bars and upscale restaurants. The bars were a common hangout for college kids and people in their early twenties.

As I parked my car in a lot across from The Lucky Goose, my mind flashed back five years when I had frequented this area with Nate.
We had had some good times down here. I shook my head to dissolve the nostalgia, threw my keys in my clutch, and started across the street.

The Lucky Goose was
expansive with a bar that ran about half the length of the place to the right of the entryway. The rest of the bar was open space and it was
fucking mobbed
. I started walking back, knowing that I just had to keep my eyes peeled for a large group of extremely well built individuals. As I approached the back half of the bar, I finally saw them.
Of course they would be as far from the entrance as humanly possible. Shane had probably led them back here, the jerk.
I continued to cut through the crowd until I finally reached them.

Kate saw me immediately and came running over, clutching me in a big hug.
“I’m so glad you made it,” she exclaimed in my ear.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it,” I said smiling. The truth of it was, I would have loved to miss it, but I hadn’t wanted to disappoint Kate on her birthday. Furthermore, though I hated to admit it, I wanted to see what Shane was like outside of his natural habitat. I quickly scanned the crowd for him, finally seeing him standing behind Justin, a huge mountain of a man who looked like he could bench press an SUV. Just as my eyes settled on Shane, his head perked up slightly, turned,
and met my gaze. We stood there for a moment, neither of us breaking the staring match we found ourselves in. I felt heat bloom low in my abdomen as I took him in.

He was wearing a red polo shirt that was pulled tightly over his sculpted chest and shoulders.
His jeans were loose fitting and, though I couldn’t see the waist beneath his shirt, my imagination told me that the jeans sat low on his hips, offering a glimpse of the muscled lower abdomen that pointed straight down to his majestically long cock.
Okay, so maybe my imagination was running away from me a bit.

Finally, I registered that Kate was speaking to me. I cleared my throat and tried to figure out what the hell she was saying.

“And that’s about it,” she concluded, smiling broadly.

Well, replying to this
is going to be interesting.
“Great. Thanks,” I said, figuring that response would apply to nearly every situation.
I really need to start listening to people better.

She nodded, and bounded off into our group.
I watched her stop next to Shane and engross herself in the conversation he was having with Justin and a few other CrossFitters.
Something had to be going on between them.