Sex, Lies, and Beauty Aides (10 page)

“You really think of me that way?” Jill hugged herself, grinning so big it couldn’t be contained.

“Yes.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Just speaking the truth as I see it.”

“In that case let’s take another step back. How do you know your perception of the magazines is a reality? Talk to me, tell me what you think of each?”

Hands on the covers of the men’s mags, she said, “Originally, I believed the key was in
Hustler
,
Playboy
,
Penthouse
, and even
GQ
. I was narrow-minded and judgmental because their content made me feel smutty. Like all men want is any kind of sex. I expected them to have descriptions of positions and nothing but porn.”

Jill’s smile was so big, her eyes were reduced to mere slits, then she laughed and a snort slipped out. “I’m sorry Bree, I don’t mean to laugh at you, but you’re so naïve, so afraid of sex that you’re hurting yourself. The more you ignore the topic, the worse it’s going to be. For God’s sake, we’re friends. You should be able to say anything to Kat and me, but you keep it all to yourself.”

“Before you and Kat I never had a girlfriend to talk to. I never had sleepovers. No all-night gab fests. Besides, you know how I hate being laughed at. I always feel like I’m the butt of your jokes.”

“Like you don’t tease us as well?”

“Yeah, but my jokes don’t make you look stupid. I always feel stupid and I hate that feeling.”

“Why didn’t you speak up sooner? You know we’d never hurt you intentionally. I promise to be serious and help any way I can…back to the rags. Tell me what you think of them.”

“Some of the men’s magazines surprised me with their tastefully done photo spreads. Others were just what I expected, but all of them had enlightening articles on men’s health or sexuality issues.”

“The key question is what did you learn about yourself?”

“How stupid I’ve been to think I’d feel better once I looked at the men’s rags? After being confronted with airbrushed images laid out like a man’s wet dream I felt worse. I’m no Barbie.” She looked down at her non-Barbie figure. “Not even close. From this female’s perspective those magazines would make any woman’s confidence or comfort level with their own body and sexuality drop to nothing. Now if I had one of those bodies it would b a different story.”

“Touché, right on the mark but be careful what you wish for, because Kat would totally disagree. You know how much she complains about guys being too focused on her chest when she’s out on a date. Nobody has a perfect life. You should know that by now.”

“You’re right, of course, as usual.”

“What else?”

“It’s funny, but I labeled Trent and Travis all wrong as well. I always thought Trent was a
GQ
man, but that’s not the case. Travis is
Gentleman’s Quarterly
all the way, reserved, stylish, and with a hint of arrogance. Thank goodness Travis softened so much over the past week. He’s not as stuffy as he was in the beginning.”

“Yeah, Kat always said he was a tight-assed snob. What about Trent?”

“That’s easy, he’s
Esquire
all the way. Trendy, seductive with a hint of
Playgirl
, and the playful side of
Mad Magazine.
” She chuckled. Just saying his name made her feel warm all over. She imagined what he was doing, or rather who he was doing in Palm Springs. No, better not to go there.

“Tell me about the other magazines.”

“Cosmo
is more erotic and illicit. A female’s manual on how to capture a man, weighing heavily on sexuality-based articles. The content on some of the articles makes blush more than the men’s rags.”

“But—”

“But what?”

“How is knowing what’s in these magazines going to help you? What good is all this research if you can’t see a way to help yourself?”

“Right again. Dang it Jill, what am I going to do?”

“I didn’t mean to sidetrack you. What else?”

“Vogue
and
Harper’s Bazaar
are high fashion and expensive, most of the clothes couture right off the Paris runway. The average person couldn’t afford the fashion and those who could, wouldn’t generally wear them daily. Very Dramatic. I’d search though them for some ideas on dressing for an important date. With
Marie Claire
and
Elle
rounding out with youthful, stylish, completely on trend.”

“Good job, that’s exactly how I view them as well. Again, how is any of this going to help you?”

“I hate to admit it but if it wasn’t for these articles, I might never have taken the time to really think about the circumstances that have brought me to this point in my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“The articles I have to write are love and sex. Before rustling though them I felt totally ill-equipped to write on either. Now I’m seeing a way to separate them. Sort of.”

“Huh?”

“You know I don’t talk about myself much. I keep it all topical. I guess that’s because in my family no one talks about anything.”

“Lots of families are like that.” Jill added.

“We’re not dysfunctional, really.”

“I didn’t mean to say you were. But again, if you don’t talk about it how can we know what you mean.” Jill placed a hand on her lap. “Honey, we love you. There is nothing we wouldn’t do to help you.”

“Sex is the focus for some of my articles and while I have better understanding of that, well sort of, the concept of love and family are bigger questions now. What do I know about either topic? Nada. Zip. Nothing. I’ve spent so much time worrying about the subjects that I don’t have the time or energy left than to contemplate belly button fuzz.”

“I never understood that saying.” Jill said.

“I didn’t either until recently. Think about it.” She lifted her shirt and revealed her own. “That silly hole tied us to our mothers from the moment of conception to birth. Then suddenly you’re a part of a family. I had mom, dad, and Nickie. But what did I really know about them?”

“You lived with them. Surely you know more than you think?”

“My parents grew up in the same orphanage.”

“Oh my God, I had no idea.” Jill’s face lost all color.

“They had an immediate connection so deep that sometimes I felt like an outsider. Neither of them talk about that time in their lives. I assumed they were trying to protect Nickie and me. They shared something they didn’t want us kids to experience.” How had she never realized this before? More than anything, that was a parent’s love. That’s when she admitted what it was she wanted out of life and marriage. “While I’ve always called Mom’s foster-mother grandma, we had no other relatives, no aunts, uncles, and cousins. Yet they never let a day lapse that we weren’t reminded we were loved in every way. No question about it.”

“Wow, you have some serious history, girlfriend. How come you’re just now talking about it?”

“My defenses must be down.”

“About time it happened. You should have told us sooner. It makes so much sense now. No wonder you’re so quiet. You hide behind your laughter, the humor of things. Like, if you can keep things light, nothing can hurt you.”

“I guess, I never really thought about it that way.”

“Did your folks tell you much about their early years?”

“Some, but not much.” Sabrina fidgeted, twisting her hair around her index finger. “I’m just so tired. One of my dad’s favorite sayings was he didn’t have the energy to blink. That’s how I feel. I’m so anxious and afraid I won’t get a handle on these articles. But I’m not a quitter.”

“Why would you have to quit?” Jill asked, shaking her head. “The idea is ludicrous.”

“What do I know about sex or love? Nothing. The only example I have is my parents and they’re hardly the norm, even if they are inspirational.”

“What’s so inspirational about them? Help me see them as you do, remember I’ve never met them?”

Thinking back to her younger years words poured out of her. “They seldom pass one another without touching. I asked my mom about it once she said boys and girls were separated at the home and the only way they connected was a touch in passing. There were the smiles and gestures that never failed to make the other smile. I can’t explain it. You had to see the gestures to know what I mean. A look shared between two people that nothing could break.”

“It sounds scary. I can’t imagine how it must have felt not to belong to anyone.”

“I know. They also shared silly phrases, words that made no sense to me but never failed to make them laugh out loud. I always believed it was their circumstances, but maybe that’s what love is?”

“What do you mean?”

“I remember once my dad was traveling for work and Mom was feeling melancholy. She opened up and told me about the time my dad left the home for the military promising to learn a trade and then he’d come back for her. And that’s just what he did. There was so much conviction in her voice. She never doubted he’d be back for her. I wanted to cry.” Her heart ached when she put herself in her parents’ shoes. Why had she never done this before? The weight of it all stunted her thought process.

“Honey, that’s love, no matter how you look at it. Your parents are definitely an inspiration. What they shared is so strong and powerful no wonder you’re having such a hard time finding the same thing for yourself. That was a different era entirely. What they went through created their connection.”

“I know. That’s what I want for myself.”

“Good luck with that. I doubt any of us will ever find that kind of love. It’s like old Hollywood legends, when they pass away, they’re but a precious memory. “

“Don’t say that. I have to believe it’s out there.”

“I know, Pollyanna. Secretly, I’d love to find it myself, but I’m not sure I believe I ever will. I hate to run off and leave you, but I have to be at the office by noon. JoAnn is covering for me next week while I’m in Denver. We have to go over some things.”

“That’s right. I forgot you’re visiting your mom. Is everything okay?”

“We’ll find out. Before I leave, after all this.” Jill pointed to the mess on the floor. “The magazine, your folks, life. What do you want for yourself? With regards to the magazines and you personally, what would you like to see changed about yourself?”

Good question. “I love the style of
Vogue
, I try to mimicked it in my wardrobe. But if I’m honest I’m more
Marie Claire
and
Elle
. I love fashion. And if we’re talking wish list, I’d also add a touch of
Cosmo
with a hint of
Playboy
to feel more well-rounded. But how do I adopt those philosophies and behaviors? It’s all well and good to immerse myself in the magazines, but how do I make myself more aware? I think that’s going to be the key to finding my way in this new job.”

“Key to what? You’re speaking in riddles. Technically, none of this has anything to do with love or sex. Just your own awareness.”

“Crap. You’re right.”

“Can I make a suggestion? And promise not to get mad at me for it.”

“I promise.” Her stomach twisted into a knot.

“I think you’re more afraid of yourself and that you won’t live up to the hype you’ve placed on Kat and me. I don’t think you’re afraid of sex, but rather what you don’t know about it. If that’s the case, do what you do best. Read. Research the topics that scare you. What you read may make you blush, but you’re not reading aloud or in a crowd. Do it in the privacy of your room. If you don’t know a word, look it up. You’re a great researcher. I challenge you to educate yourself. It can’t hurt.”

Jill nailed it on the head.

“I’m here if you want to talk. Sorry I have to cut and run, but I’ll be back in a couple hours if you still want to talk.” Jill ran off to her room to dress.

Sabrina couldn’t find words to comment. A shiver ran down her spine, chilling her to the bone.

Jill gave her a hug on the way out the door. “I’m meeting Kat at the Met later. It’s karaoke night. Do you want to come with?

“Ah-no. Can’t sing. Can’t dance. Let me know when you do something I can actually participate in.”

“It’s about letting off steam, nothing more. You ought to give it a try, you sound stressed. Later.”

As she pondered the magazines that mystified and flustered her so, she came to a generic conclusion. One she was determined to better define. With a renewed vigor, she attacked the rags in a state of frenzy she didn’t know she possessed, reading them cover to cover.