Sex Between, The (12 page)

And then Maggie was beside her, kissing the tears from Lee's face. Cradling Lee against her and crooning.

"Don't cry, darling," Maggie murmured. "Please don't cry."

For Maggie's sake, she hated the tears. But she could not stop the flow of them. She was not crying for herself, but for the two of them. For the loneliness and for the uselessness. For Maggie, because she must marry a man she could never love. And for herself, because she knew what life would be without Maggie. She had lived it all before. Too much sex and not enough love. Too many-women, not one of whom meant a damn.

"Don't cry," Maggie said, "or I'll start too."

Lee heard the quiet desperation in Maggie's tone.

Heard it and knew that Maggie needed her, as she had needed Maggie. Knew that Maggie wanted her.

Maggie lay back on the rug and stretched out her arms. She was smiling. "We have time," she said gently, "if we skip lunch."

And Lee laughed through her tears. "You used to tell me food was more important."

"I was very young then," Maggie said. "I think I've aged twenty years since last night."

Lee kissed the point of Maggie's chin. "And what makes you think I want an old hag?"

They were playing the game again, pretending. But at least it was bearable that way. Gently she lowered herself to the girl.

Maggie's hands went beneath Lee's robe.

A shudder rolled through her. "Whew!" she said against Maggie's ear. "You learn pretty fast."

Maggie laughed softly. "And why not?" she said. "I've had a good teacher."

Loving Maggie was like nothing Lee had ever known. It wasn't just two sweaty bodies banging away at each other for the sake of a moment's thrill. It wasn't punishment or greed or any of the other things sex could be. It was fun, it was play. And it was more than that. So much more. It was as if, for the first time in her life, she had become a part of somebody else and somebody else had become a part of her, so that they were one and indivisible. She had thought it was a lot of crap, this business about spiritual union. Just a lot of crap.

And then she had loved Maggie..
.

The throw rug prickled across her shoulders and the bare floor was cold against her behind. Yet she felt comfortable and warm lying there with Maggie curled small against her side. She took Maggie's hand and held it tight, wanting to tell her how right it was, this thing that had happened between them. Needing to reassure her, to let her know…

"Don't say it, Lee," Maggie said into her thoughts.

"Say what?"

"What you were just thinking," Maggie said.

Lee sighed. "You read minds too?"

"Yours," Maggie said. "But it's no good, honey."

Lee turned onto her side and looked down into Maggie's face. "I can't let you go just like," she snapped her fingers, "that."

"But you have to, you know," Maggie said.

"But you don't want that any more than I do," Lee persisted. "You could come here or we could meet somewhere. Pieter would never know the difference. And—"

"No," Maggie said gently.

"But—"

"No," Maggie repeated, more firmly this time.

Again Lee sighed. She didn't have to ask any questions. She had known, really, how Maggie would play the game. Even if she despised Pieter, once she was married to him she would be faithful. And loving Maggie, Lee could not argue with her.

"It's not that I don't love you," Maggie murmured. "You know that don't you?"

Lee put her palm against Maggie's cheek. "Yes, I know," she said softly. She tried to smile, but the expression did not fit naturally on her lips. "But in a way, it's funny, you know. All my life I've been telling people to take what they could got and like it. Now I'm in the same position and I don't know what the hell to do with it."

Maggie kissed Lee's palm and moved it away from her face. "It hurts, doesn't it?"

Lee looked at her, wide-eyed with amazement over the gall she'd been spreading like poison all her life. Maybe, if she had ever taken the trouble to look, maybe some of those women had loved her. Helga, maybe. Maybe if she had stopped to think about it, she might even have...

"No," she said aloud. For she knew that it was not true. That none of them—and there had been so many—had ever done to her what Maggie could do. It wasn't that Maggie was the most beautiful, the kindest. She wasn't quite sure just what it was. But something about Maggie clicked. Something fitted, like nobody else ever had. And now that she'd found it, now that she knew what it meant to love...

"No, what?" Maggie said.

"Hmm?" Lee swallowed down the anger threatening to choke her. She could curse Kate from now till doomsday and that would not change a thing. "Oh, nothing," she said lightly. "I was just feeling a little sorry for myself." She grinned. "But that's against the rules, isn't it?"

Maggie shook her head. "I don't think so," she murmured. "I feel the same way myself. But..."

She held out her arms then. Lee hesitated for only a second. Every kiss they shared, every dream was just like rubbing salt into the wounds. They had only a few hours.

Only a few. But if they tried, in these few hours they could live a lifetime.

"Kiss me, Lee," Maggie whispered. And Lee moved to oblige.

After a long time, Maggie sighed and rolled away from her.

Lee glanced at her watch. "It's late," Maggie said.

"Urn," Lee grunted. "I'd better pack.”

"I guess so," Lee said.

She looked at Maggie then and saw the blue eyes bright with tears she knew Maggie would not let fall. She stood up and held out her hand.

Maggie let Lee pull her up. Then she turned away and, without saying anything more, hurried up the stairs to her apartment.

Lee went to the liquor cabinet and poured herself a triple scotch. If they were very lucky, Kate would not keep her at Ravensway this afternoon. It would be too much for both of them, to sit there looking at each other, wanting each other. And not allowed to touch.

But Lee knew that she would not be that lucky. Especially if, as Maggie believed, Pieter had told Kate... Told Kate what? A lie? Once it had been a lie. But now, it was the only truth she and Maggie knew. What could she tell Kate, when Kate asked her? For Maggie's sake, she knew that she could not tell Kate this truth. It would not free Maggie from her marriage to Pieter. If anything, it would only encourage Kate to make life a little more unbearable for all of them. For Kate did not believe in love. Lee realized that now. Realized it and felt powerless to fight.

She finished the drink and went up to her own room to dress. She felt like wearing slacks and flat shoes and looking like what she felt. Rough and angry and crude. But Kate had made rules about that too, as she had made rules about everything. A lady wears a skirt, Lesley. A lady is never seen...

The hell with it, a voice roared inside her head. She went into the bathroom and stepped under the scalding hot stream of the shower. If she didn't get Kate out of her brain, she knew she might very well tell the old bat what she thought of her. And one did not do that to Kate. If one did...

If one did, what, Lee? You think you'll be struck dead for telling Kate you hate her guts? And admit it, kid, you've been wanting to tell her that for a hell of a long time. Not just for Maggie. But for everything. The way she never let you breathe without telling you that you were doing it wrong. The way she screwed Andrew into becoming her personal slave. The way everybody jumps when Kate thumps that damned cane of hers. And yes, for Maggie too. Because you love Maggie and Kate's giving her away...

When she came out of the shower, Lee took a pair of navy blue slacks from the closet and pulled them on. She did not feel like a lady. And she was tired of pretending. She put on a white shirt with a button down collar and pushed onyx links through the cuffs.

Still barefooted, she went into the hall and up the spiral stairs to Maggie's room.

Maggie had already showered and dressed in a soft blue that did something miraculous to her eyes. Lee stood in the doorway for a moment, watching the girl lift things from a dresser drawer into a valise. "Well," she said finally, "you look as though you're about ready to go." She heard the anger and resentment in her tone and knew that Maggie must have heard it too.

Maggie jumped, startled. "I didn't even hear you come up," she said, turning to face Lee. She glanced down at the bare feet, then looked up the length of her and into her eyes. "Are you going out to Kate like that?"

"I might put on my shoes," Lee said, her tone gentler now. She nodded toward the open valise. "You need any help with that stuff?"

"In a minute," Maggie said, turning back to the dresser. “You can sit on the lid for me."

Lee sat down on the edge of the bed and watched while the girl finished packing. She went through the motions quickly, efficiently, as she did everything else. And inwardly Lee sighed, hating the precision that was moving Maggie so rapidly out of her life. If only Maggie could forget her responsibility to Andrew, her responsibility to the damned family... They could go away somewhere, to the other side of the earth if necessary—anywhere where Kate could not find them. But it would be foolish to suggest this to Maggie. Maggie didn't play it that way. She did it the right way. Wore skirts when she was supposed to, married whom she was supposed to...

"Damn it," Lee said. "Why the hell couldn't you be like all the other women I've known?"

Maggie paused in mid-stride. "Meaning what?"

Lee rubbed her palm against the side of her chin.

"You're so damned proper," she said. "Anybody else I could pick up and run away with. But you... "

Maggie laughed. "If I were like all the others," she murmured, "you wouldn't be in love with me. Would you, now?"

Lee opened her mouth to make a brilliant rejoinder but nothing came out. She poked in her shirt pocket for a cigarette, then changed her mind and walked away to the window.

Sunlight beat hotly through the panes, warming her legs where it slanted against her. She felt the heat creeping up through her body, scorching her flesh as it moved. If Maggie really loved her, how the hell could she be so stubborn? If Maggie really loved her, then why—

"I'm ready," Maggie said.

Lee turned around to face her, ready to spew out her rage and her hurt.

She saw Maggie reach to retrieve the teddy bear from the chair where Lee had tossed it. For an instant Maggie clutched it against her shoulder, pressing her cheek to the stubbly fur. Then she went to the valise and laid it carefully inside.

"You're taking the teddy bear?" Lee said very gently, feeling suddenly all soft and mushy inside where a moment ago she had felt only pain.

"Of course," Maggie said.

"Well," Lee said, stepping across to the valise, "I guess you can give it to one of your kids."

Maggie looked at her sharply, as though expecting something unpleasant.

But Lee merely shut the lid and leaned her weight against it till the locks snapped into place.

"No," Maggie said softly. "This one's mine. But someday, if I have children, you might take them to Coney Island and..."

"Would you like that?" Lee said seriously.

"I'd like to see you, Lee. I mean, if only to say hello now and then, just to know that you're all right."

Lee put her hands on Maggie's shoulders and pulled her close. "I'll be all right," she said. "If you will. Promise me you will."

"Of course I will," Maggie murmured. She snuggled her face against Lee's chin. "Whenever I get blue, I'll remember."

Lee sighed. "I guess that goes for both of us."

Maggie stirred in her arms and looked up into her eyes. "And I'm not scared any more, Lee."

Lee glanced at her questioningly. She knew what Maggie meant, remembered too well their evening on the beach. "What happened?"

Maggie shrugged. I'm not sure," she said. "I suppose I'm just a sentimental fool. But I'd almost like to have a son. I'll name him Lee and he'll look like you."

Lee laughed. "Suppose he has red hair like Pieter?"

"Oh, hell," Maggie said. "Or that shape."

They laughed together and Lee held her tight, feeling even closer now than when she had been making love to the girl. And it was good, so very good, this feeling that transcended sex. It was what you could dream of and search for and never find. But they had found it, she and Maggie. And no matter what happened, it would always be there.

"You'd better put on your shoes," Maggie said. "It's getting awfully late."

"Hmm," Lee murmured. "We'll be about a half-hour late." Then she smiled. "Do you think Kate'll whip us?"

"She just might," Maggie said. "But you know something?"

"Yeah," Lee said. "It'll be worth it."

And still she held Maggie, kissing her slowly and with love. Knowing that this was the last time, that this was good bye. She knew that it would not be the way Maggie dreamed. Pieter would not welcome Lee into his house.

"Lee..."

It was a frightened little whisper. And it told Lee that Maggie understood.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Andrew was waiting at the front door when they came around from the car.

He grabbed Lee's arm. "You're late," he said breathlessly.

Andrew had changed in the few days since she had seen him. Almost as much as she had changed herself. The red lace had become redder, but the paunchy roundness of his body looked deflated and stooped. He was no longer full of the usual robust breeziness and looking at him sharply, Lee knew that he had been drinking, probably for days. Yet he wasn't drunk either. Just sort of half dead and less than half alive.

"We had a flat on the way out," she lied, knowing that Andrew was not the proper target for the rage boiling inside her. "Where's Kate?"

"In her sitting room," he rasped. "She wants to see you." His eyes, a watery blue behind a crisscrossing of red lines, blinked at her as though not quite able to focus. "Alone."

Lee took a deep breath and turned to Maggie. "Go on in with Andrew," she said. "I'll send somebody out for your bags."

"I will bring them," Pieter's voice said from the doorway. "It is for me to do."