Sex and Your Job Search 2013: A Guide to Scoring Your Dream Job (3 page)

Follow me here. He would have had to sell what was left of his dad’s company as well as his dad’s mansion. He would have watched his evil stepmom profit from his dad’s death, and he then would have had to start his job search all over. Depression and regret may have set in. Because he settled, his efforts would have been the same, but the results would have been far less than he wanted.

Don’t settle! Go for
all
of your dream, and even if you don’t get it, you will be a lot closer than you would have been otherwise.

I WAS A "FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT," TOO

There was a time in my life when I felt a lot like Tommy.

It was right after college. A patent I worked on during school was rejected because a competitor had filed their patent application for the same product a few months earlier. (They made ten million their first year!) I had credit card debt. My stomach went from a six pack to a keg in a matter of months.

I went from a nice rental home to a small, drafty apartment. Then, on a trip to Lake Michigan, my friends thought it would be funny to see how far a Frisbee would bounce off my new belly. Seriously. I thought it would be fun, too… until the laughter started. (
Said slowly in Chris Farley’s voice
) “I didn’t feel so good… on the inside.” To make matters worse, a few weeks later my dad died.

No girl. No money. To pay the bills, I was driving a box truck (picture a big U-Haul truck) around the Midwest delivering plants to Home Depot and Lowes. More than anything, I wanted to be in sunny southern California and I wanted to be working in a career I enjoyed. So, what did I do?

I went for it! I worked ten-to-fourteen-hour days for the next few months. I borrowed money from family. I drummed up a few good leads through connections and I drove out west. I found an entry-level job in Human Resources at a large university medical center. An acquaintance of my brother gave me a good reference that helped me get the job.

I could barely cover my expenses. I spent $1.50 on lunch at Taco Bell each day for the first two weeks of work. But I was closer to my dream than ever before. And I was also a lot happier. A few months later, I invited several new lady friends to my birthday party. They showed up. And my keg? Pretty soon it was a six pack again.

YOU'RE GETTING HOTTER

Now, you may be thinking, “I thought this book was supposed to be about sex, dating, and careers. A little bit light on the sex so far, don’t you think? How does
Tommy Boy
relate to work and personal relationships?” Glad you asked.

Let’s compare Tommy’s and my journey. Before Tommy and I found our dream careers, we had to find out who we were and what we wanted. Once we learned those things, we were far more successful professionally. We were also much happier and confident, which allowed us to move into positive personal relationships. Being confident makes you more attractive as a potential employee and as a potential significant other.

Still not convinced following your dream is the best idea? Do I need to mention another awesome film from the nineties called
Dumb and Dumber
? When Lloyd (Jim Carrey) asks Mary (Lauren Holly) what his chances are of ending up together, she replies, “Like one in a million.” Lloyd counters with “So you’re telling me there’s a chance… YEAH!”

Ask yourself the questions in this chapter, and however unlikely your situation may seem, you will have a better chance than one in a million of succeeding. Spoiler: Lloyd gets the girl in the end.

Don’t give up!

Brian’s bowl haircut and clip-on tie weren’t doing him any favors. A friend of mine named Eddie works at a smaller hospital and was looking for business interns with leadership potential. Eddie wasn’t so sure about Brian. He came across as naïve, homely, and too sincere. Brian was from a small town in the Midwest and
really
wanted an internship in California.

In all honesty, Eddie didn’t think Brian could keep up with the work pace in Southern California, even in an industry as humane as healthcare. But Brian was persistent in expressing his interest. He knew the mission of Eddie’s organization, he knew about the charitable healthcare services they provided to those who could not pay, and he could list all three of the hospital’s values. He slowly won Eddie over.

Brian ended up as an alternate. When Eddie’s first choice backed out, Brian swooped into the spot and took the job. On his first day he had that bright-eyed look people get when they see the New York City skyline, Mount Rushmore, or the Victoria’s Secret catalog for the first time, a little like Kenneth on
30 Rock
. The only problem was, that look lasted for a week.

Frustrated by this, his immediate supervisor, Mr. Wilson, called him into his office and asked him a few straightforward questions: “What do you want to do in life? Is
this
what you want to do in life? Do you want to work for a big organization or a small one? Why are you here?” Flustered, Brian began to hyperventilate. Before he passed out, Mr. Wilson threw a stack of books on the floor to shock him back to reality. True story.

That was a life-changing moment. At his first group meeting with his mentor and the other interns in his program, Brian told them (in a voice not unlike Kenneth’s) “You will never believe what Mr. Wilson did in our meeting this week. He threw books on the floor and I was
flabbergasted
.”

Through a journey of self-discovery and with a developing purpose in life, Brian picked up finance and accounting skills that summer. Instead of returning to school with the intention of working for a large non-profit organization after he graduated, Brian decided to take a year off to coordinate a micro-lending pilot program for the impoverished people in a third-world country.

Brian combined what he loved and what he knew to provide hope and a livelihood to those in need. He helped coordinate the financing of construction projects, farm projects, and small business startups. Now, he runs an American service franchise in another part of the world. Brian objectively asked himself what he wanted to do, and then he made the world a better place. So can you.

I feel like a pompous ass for writing this, but job applicants should treat Human Resource (HR) reps, hiring managers, and interviewers like hot models. Why? Because models don’t date just anyone and employers don’t hire just anybody. Like models, employers are very discriminating and have a specific selection process.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say that I see Adriana Lima, the Victoria’s Secret model, in the VIP area of a club. Or, for those interested in men, picture Channing Tatum in this scenario. Suppose that I walk up to the velvet rope and start yelling, “I love you Adriana. Pick me!” More than likely I will get thrown out of the club by the bouncer in a matter of seconds.

Wrong approach. That’s not how Adriana meets potential suitors (she’s married, by the way). Likewise, I routinely get “hit on” in the wrong manner by people who know I work in human resources for a large, stable employer.

People come up to me on my hospital’s campus, at coffee shops, and in line at the movies. “Hey, I really need a job.” “Can you tell me about the status of my application?” “Hey, can you help my friend get a job?”

While approaching an HR rep or hiring manager in the community is a way of making contact and getting answers, it is not how employers look for job applicants. Employers have a specific four-step process that they follow when hooking up with applicants. Knowing this process will help you develop an effective job-search strategy.

HOW EMPLOYERS "HOOK UP"
WITH JOB APPLICANTS

Step 1: “Is there a current employee that we can promote who we think has potential?”

Most employers first look internally when there is a job opening. Why? Because employers already have first-hand knowledge of that person’s work ethic, it’s cheaper to promote from within, and it’s a quick solution.

As it relates to dating, this is like two friends realizing that they both
really
like each other. The transition to dating is an easy one.

If that search comes up empty, employers move on to the next best option.

Step 2: “Is there a promising candidate we have interviewed in the past, an intern, a temporary employee, or a contract worker that we think has potential? Do any of our contacts know of anyone that can meet our needs?”

Still playing it safe and looking for solid referrals, employers expand their search to the outer limits of their contact lists. This is why networking is so important.

In the dating world, this is like telling all of your personal and work contacts “I’m open to being set up. But make sure they’re cute and nice.”

If an employer strikes out again, they expand their search even further.

Step 3: “Let’s see if HR knows of anyone qualified and let’s put the job on our career website.”

At this point, employers are open to finding candidates from outside their company. They expect numerous applicants to lie and embellish their work history, but hope to find a gem among them.

It’s not unlike trying to meet someone on Match.com or at a speed-dating event. This method has potential, but may require more time and effort.

If an employer
still
comes up empty-handed…

Step 4: “What online job board would be best for the position we want to fill? What search firms or placement agencies can help us find an applicant? How much will it cost?”

At this point employers are frustrated. They know it may cost hundreds, if not thousands, to fill the position and have no guarantees it will happen any time soon.

Similarly, if you have specific dating criteria and you are not finding the type of person you are interested in through your inner circle of friends, acquaintances, or through online dating websites, you might pay big bucks for one of those “executive” matchmaking services you see in airline magazines.

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING:
HOW adidas FINDS JOB APPLICANTS

Let me give you a real example of how this works. I know someone who works for adidas in Portland. They are a great company with great perks. Some of which include playing pick-up games with pro athletes and mingling with entertainers like Snoop Dogg, who are occasionally on campus.

It should come as no surprise that adidas’s employees are constantly bothered by their friends about getting jobs there. The adidas HR department is flooded with resumes of carefully selected “friends” who have made the cut.

When adidas decides to fill a position, they first look internally to see who they can promote. Then they look through the stacks of resumes they already have in their HR department. If they still don’t find the right fit for a position, they advertise the job on their website for a day or two. There are people who check adidas’s website a couple times a week because they really want to work there.
Rarely
, if ever, do they have to advertise on websites like Monster or CareerBuilder.

People who end up making the cut and get hired tend to stay with adidas for the long haul. The company offers significant growth opportunities and the chance for employment abroad. In addition, a 50% employee discount on gear like top-of-the-line running shoes and athletic clothing is an added bonus. adidas truly is a dream employer.

HIRING MANAGERS ARE EASY,
AND GOLD DIGGERS, TOO

I said earlier that HR reps and hiring managers act like models. That’s only part of the truth. They’re actually kinda “easy,” too, once you prove you’re an attractive applicant. Here’s why.

Remember, HR reps are in the business of hiring people and
want
to hire good people. As soon as they find someone who seems to be a good match, they are open to quickly hooking up with them. They’re easy, in other words.