Authors: Derek Haines
Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) (13 page)
‘I think they were laid out in a box sort of contraption with other odd things alongside and a strange creature aside them saying something that sounded like ‘
fresh today, something a pound’
. Very odd it was,’ Fflemm had told Sep.
The mere mention of the possibility of bananas had convinced Sep and his decision was taken at that very moment.
‘Ready to disembark sir,’ the Lacertilian pilot of the shuttle announced.
‘Very well. Let’s be off then,’ Haavlii said as he stood up and made for the hatch along with Smikkle and six Lacertilian Guards. As they walked down the ramp to the ground they were all quite pleasantly surprised. It was a rather nice place. A little sunshine, a few white fluffy clouds in the blue sky above, plenty of greenery and a few odd but friendly looking animals whose only utterances seemed to consist of syllables that all sounded like ‘
moo
’.
‘What’s that over there?’ Smikkle asked as he could see something that resembled modest buildings in the distance.
‘Oh yes, I see it. Best go and take a look then,’ Haavlii replied as they all trod off purposely in that direction. After a fifteen-minute trudge through the muddy turf, they arrived at one small building. ‘Hello, is anyone around?’ Haavlii shouted, and within a few seconds a head popped from the door.
‘Who are you?’
‘Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii.’
‘What a funny name.’
‘And your name sir?’
‘Most call me Fred.’
‘Well, very pleased to make your acquaintance Fred.’
‘Like wise. So, what do you want?’
‘Well Fred, we’re hoping to find some accommodation.’
‘None around here. It’s not called No Mans Land for nothing you know.’
‘Oh I see. So we are in No Mans Land.’
‘You’ll be wanting to go a bit further to Wadebridge. It’s that way,’ Fred said pointing a finger.
‘That’s very kind of you sir,’ Smikkle said then thought he might press his luck. ‘Are there bananas in Wadebridge?’
‘Certainly. Just stop by the grocer.’
‘Oh thank you,’ Smikkle said not knowing at all what a grocer was, but settled in the knowledge that Sep would be very happy with the positive banana news.
Once they arrived in Wadebridge, they were surprised by their welcome. There were creatures walking this way and that, but they just looked Smikkle, Haavlii and the guards up and down and said something that sounded like, ‘
hippies from london’
, or ‘
more of those beatnik type’
.
‘Do you understand?’ Haavlii asked Smikkle.
‘No idea whatsoever.’
They passed a small row of low buildings and a calendar in a window caught Smikkle’s attention. Knowing Septimity’s passion for all things time and calendar, he took a note. ‘
5
th
February 1971’
.
It took some time before Haavlii found a creature who would communicate with him, and luckily it was one who had information that was helpful. His name was Mr. Arnold Smith-Jones and he took great pleasure in advising Haavlii that he was in real estate. Haavlii had no idea what that was, but he began to put two and two together when Smith-Jones said he had very large properties to sell.
Within two days, and with the financial facility entrusted to Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii by Huphnic the First, the Supreme Potentate of Gloth, the transaction was concluded for three large estates, each with castles of high standing and conveniently vacant due to their dilapidated condition. Haavlii was surprised at the modest price that was agreed and the fact that Mr. Smith-Jones happily accepted gold, a less than semi-valuable commodity on Gloth, in exchange for the three estates.
With the arrangements complete, Haavlii sent an order up to their Cosmic Cruiser to send down four shuttles of supplies immediately to render the three estates habitable for their passengers and another order to prepare for the transfer of the passengers in two days time.
Once everything was in readiness, Haavlii and Smikkle began to make their way back to their shuttle along with the pilot. The six Lacertilian Guards remained to keep and eye on things on the estates.
As they walked along the street, Smikkle noticed a sign, ‘
Grocer
’. He stopped and excitedly bought six bananas.
*****
‘Where are we going Mummy?’ April asked as he and January were escorted to a shuttle along with a group of Erdean expatriates. The ones who had been deposited on Lacertilian over the years.
‘I don’t really know April. But let’s hope it somewhere nice,’ she said hoping she was hiding her own uncertainty from her son. Even though Septimity and Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle had explained to them, and all the Erdeans during a meeting a few days before about their new home on Earth, and that due to the calamity that had taken place on Erde, Earth was chosen because of its similarity, there was of course many questions. But with Septimity’s adroit skill at babbling on for a very long time without actually saying anything, most of the questions remained politely unanswered. The other meeting Septimity and Smikkle attended regarding the Earth issue with the Gregorians didn’t go quite as well. After a lot of screaming, complaining, yelling and attacks of grumpiness from the Gregorian Royal Family and associated aristocracy, ex-councillors and administrators, Smikkle decided that even Septimity’s waffling wasn’t going to achieve anything so he closed the meeting by saying, ‘Well, bad luck. That’s where you’re all going.’ Even Sep gave up on them and turned on his heels and left with Smikkle, leaving the Lacertilian Guards to pacify the angry mob.
As they walked, January was reassured a little as they were at least in the company of their new Erdean friends. After the ugly incident in Luxury Class with High Councillor Sckwatt and the Gregorians and then a few quiet days by themselves, January and April were accommodated with the Erdeans from Lacertilian and they had managed to make new friends, which was a new experience for January and particularly for April. In the palace, neither had known what friends were. There were only people who wanted something or wanted them to do something. Only places to be, people to be polite towards and people who wanted to profit from knowing them. It was a very strange experience meeting people who wanted nothing in return.
January was particularly pleased with the change in April’s behaviour, as unlike when he was with Gregorians, he was calm, happy and even polite most of the time. She also felt happier in herself as she had relaxed and found pleasure in making new friends that were not concerned in who she was other than being a woman called January. She had also noticed that she scratched her ears and bottom far less often.
‘This way please,’ a Lacertilian guard said politely as he shepherded April, January and twenty-three Erdeans to the entrance of the fly bridge to their shuttle.
‘Are you coming too?’ April asked the guard.
‘Yes April. I’m coming on the shuttle with you.’
‘See Mummy, we’ll be fine with a Lacertilian guard. They always look after us.’
‘Yes they do, don’t they?’ January said and smiled at the guard. In the weeks aboard the Cosmic Cruiser, she had come to appreciate the Lacertilian Guards, who were always so polite and helpful. As she boarded and found a seat for her and April, her mind wandered back over the last few weeks. She didn’t know why, but she was happy to have Gloth, the Gregorian Royal Family and all the Supreme Potentate stuff behind her. She just wondered what lay ahead for her and her son.
By the time Stikkly Smikkle and Hiyakk Haavlii returned to the Cosmic Cruiser, preparations were well underway to transport their passengers to Earth. They had decided on their way back to accommodate the Erdeans on the estate closest to Wadebridge, the Gregorian Royal Family on the one farthest from the town. The estate in between would be the home for the ex-Glothic councillors and administrative staff who unluckily had a percentage of Erdean genes.
Haavlii barked out a few orders on his return and Smikkle checked on things on the flight deck with his co-pilot Flipply Dripple. With everything clearly under control, he went to check on Sep. He knocked on the door when he arrived but there was no answer. He knocked again and with no response forthcoming he turned the door handle. The door was unlocked, so he opened it and peered in.
‘Sep?’ he said quietly but received no answer. Smikkle entered the cabin and saw why there was no answer when he’d knocked on the door. Sep was lying on his bed and looked as if he was sleeping soundly, which would have been nice, except for the fact that when Smikkle checked more closely, Sep wasn’t just asleep. He was soundly dead.
Smikkle checked again, but Sep had no pulse and his skin was decidedly cool. As he went to cover him, he noticed Sep’s Q’muniktor lying beside his body. He picked it up and read the last message that Sep had sent a few hours before.
‘Dear Septenarii. With the success of Ichor and the return of pure Glothic blood to the Supreme Potentate of Gloth and its Twelve Sun Systems, our task of all these years is finally complete. September at last fulfilled his deepest wishes and witnessed the investiture of a pure Glothian before achieving his last wish, which was to die on Gloth. He was given a full Glothic state funeral and was hailed as a hero by all. You and all of our brothers should be very proud of our grandfather.
I’m currently floating around an odd little planet called Earth, but I can happily report that at last a new home has been found for all of those lost Erdeans from Lacertilian, the Gregorian Royal Family, as well as all of the Erdean half breeds that lived on Gloth. I feel satisfied now that our work has been done and that the loss of September and our brother Heptad were not in vain.
Please pass on my best wishes to our brothers. Septimity.’
Smikkle read the message again, then typed out his own message to Septenarii.
‘Dear Septenarii. My name is Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle and it has been my honour to assist your brother Septimity in finding a new home for the Erdeans he so cared for. I fully understand the deep beliefs he held in working his entire life for the return of pure Glothic blood to the Supreme Potentate of Gloth, but I also learned of the compassion that he held for those who had to leave Gloth. It was a truly remarkable achievement on his part to have found a new wonderful new home for each and every one of them.
It is my sad duty however to inform you that Septimity passed away within the last hours. He had been unwell the last few days and I had hoped to return him to Titania, as he had told me of his cloning machine that he had used to keep himself alive all these years.
With what he told me, would there still be some hope if I could return Septimity to Titania?’
Smikkle sent the message and put Sep’s Q’muniktor in his pocket, then went to advise the ship’s doctor and Haavlii of his unfortunate discovery. After a short meeting with the doctor, he proceeded back to the flight deck and just before opening the door he felt a vibration in his pocket. He took out the Q’muniktor and read the message from Septenarii.
‘Dear Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle. Thank you very kindly for informing me and I will pass on the sad news to my brothers. Of all of us, Septimity was always the one with the most extraordinary compassion for people and it doesn’t surprise me at all that he succeeded in finding a new home for all the Erdeans. He succeeded once in the distant past, and I am sure that one repatriation of a young man called Hal drove him towards his goal.
With regard to returning Septimity to Titania, it is of course possible that with some adjustments and reprogramming of his cloning machine, and with the aid of someone who knew exactly what they were doing, there could be a possibility of reviving Septimity in some form. But to be honest with you, we have all lived far, far too long, and as our goals have now been fulfilled, it’s time we all moved on. So if you would be so kind sir, please let my brother finally rest in peace and if it is possible, in the company of our grandfather.
Thank you again. Septenarii.’
Smikkle put the Q’muniktor back into his pocket then entered the flight deck.
‘All under control?’ he asked Haavlii and Flipply Dripple.
‘Yes, everything is going very smoothly indeed,’ Haavlii replied. ‘We should be able to head for home tomorrow.’
‘Then you can show us how well you’ve learned to fly through CTCs,’ Flipply Dripple smiled.
Wildly unbelievable good luck and insanely improbable coincidences are the two absolutely necessary components when it comes to achieving success with crazy plans. Of course the first piece of good fortune for Sep with his plan was in randomly selecting the attractively purple tinted Quadkwak eggs for breakfast. But a more important element of his good luck, although Sep had no idea at the time, and since he is dead now he will never know, was that Erde and Earth were actually one and the same planet, existing on opposites sides of a parallel universe created by a lot of CTCs, black holes and incomprehensible physics and wobbly distortions of time. That Erde was in one place and time and Earth was in another place and time would have taken Sep centuries to comprehend, so it was probably best that he was oblivious to this insanely improbable coincidence.
Another element of exquisite chance in the plan was that at the time all the Erdeans, Glothic Royals, councillors and half-breed administrators were dropped onto Earth, the planet was in the middle of an odd social upheaval and many Earthlings were dressing strangely, listening to weird music, boycotting haircuts, experimenting with the ingestion of toxic chemicals and generally not doing as they were told. Within the midst of this cultural pandemonium, hardly anyone took any notice of over one thousand aliens, of which six had a slight tinge of light lime green about their complexion, dropping in and starting a new life for themselves.
One local man by the name of Richard something-or-other, who was believed to have befriended the Erdeans from Lacertilian, and although it was kept rather hush-hush, was also rumoured to have had a romantic involvement with January for some considerable time, made somewhat of a name for himself due to the Erdeans arrival in Wadebridge. A long time unsuccessful musician by trade, it is widely accepted that he was so enamoured by January and her friends that he penned a complete stage musical based on them in only two weeks. Although it ended up being a total failure in its first production, it did receive somewhat of a cult following in a later film adaptation that was popular with those who liked to wear lots of make up, dress up like sweet transvestites and sing stupid songs while being heavily intoxicated. Proof that his musical was inspired by his knowing January and her friends is often based on the similarity of his characters to those he met at the estate. In particular, the main female character and January, the fact that another character similar in looks to April, emerges from what could be said to be like the cloning machine Sep used, and lastly, a character who takes on handyman duties and goes around singing very silly songs about time warps bears a remarkable resemblance to Septimity Fish-Roe.
One unfortunate aside to Sep’s plan, for which he couldn’t be blamed of course, was that due to a rare alignment in solar activity, warped time and the inconvenient implosion of one of the largest black holes in the entire known universe, which was caused by Erde wandering out of its orbit and crashing lethally into an adjacent sun, it took four years for Haavlii, Smikkle and Flipply Dripple to navigate their way back to Gloth after leaving Earth. While they encountered only one CTC on their way to Earth, they had the misfortune to encounter seventeen on their return journey. However on the bright side, by the time they finally arrived back on Gloth, Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle and Flight Leader Flipply Dripple were both considered as experts in navigating awfully big Glothic Cosmic Cruisers through nasty CTCs and both gained senior posts in Glothic High Command.
Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii decided enough was enough on his return though and took early retirement on Myscopinia, a small planet near the regional hub of Sandisoriallity, and famed for its extraordinarily beautiful three-breasted women. It was suggested to him by his old friend ex-High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick and now also ex-Supreme Potentate Huphnic the First, who had been enjoying the pleasures of Myscopinia since the completion of his one-year term as temporary leader of Gloth and its Twelve Sun Systems. Kcrikklli Kcaapaak, his personal man in waiting during his brief Potentateship, had agreed happily and without question to join him there in retirement.
At the completion of Huphnic’s one year term, the promised election was held to decide on a permanent replacement. It came as little surprise that Kaybob Krizzle, The Puissant of Karhoonaa and ex-President of the Grand Council was duly elected and invested as Kaybob the First, Supreme Potentate of Gloth and its Twelve Sun Systems. Now under the permanent benefactorial leadership of a pure Glothian once again, Gloth got on with what it always did well. It made and awfully infinite amount of money and got back to its core business of being the headquarters of thousands of multi-planetary and multi-galactical industrial monopolies and a tax haven for hundreds and hundreds of banks and lenders of last resort.
Although it had taken millions of years to eradicate the Erdean monkey gene that was brought to Gloth by Pope Gregory the Thirteenth, who became known more infamously by his latter title of December the Tenth and first Erdean infected Supreme Potentate of Gloth, things were finally once again right with the universe, and Septimity Fish-Roe rested in blissfully satisfied peace alongside his grand father September.
The End
Also by Derek Haines
March – A Tale of Salmon and Swedes
Derek Haines is an author of quite a number of books, however, he spends most of his time blogging, making technology go horribly wrong, and being a rather senior ESL English teacher.
Born in Australia, but now living in Switzerland with his wife and his black Cocker Spaniel, he passes many hours, trying to make technology work again, after inadvertently breaking it. It's a painful process, yet it’s such an effective self-study method in acquiring new technological skills.
As I’m a writer – I can change adroitly from the third person into the first person, and say that I love what I do and where I live, and also, that I am a Douglas Adams fanatic, bordering on a tragic. So much so, that by some spooky coincidence, my street address is 42. That’s so much more impressive than simply owning a towel and having ready access to peanuts and beer.
However, peanuts and beer are extremely important, as they provide essential sustenance during my bouts of obsessive writing, which although rare, usually take place in a horizontal position. I should mention here that I am very fond of acronyms, anagrams, allegories and alliteration, also.
In addition, I quite like commas. The Oxford type, or otherwise. However, quite perversely, I am not enamoured by quotation marks. I use them, singularly if possible, but even then, only under sufferance. As for semicolons; who really knows how to use them?
Aside from my never-ending punctuation conundrums, I enjoy life, good food, wine, beer, and I take each day as it comes – thankfully.