Semper Fidelis (8 page)

Dean’s comment said while he was still asleep made Phil understand that each man lost haunted Dean. His lover rarely celebrated the ones he saved. Phil asked him once how many successful rescues he had. Dean had shaken his head and said he only counted the ones lost.

That knowledge was another step on the road of Phil falling deeper in love with Dean. Now he couldn’t see himself with anyone else, even though their jobs and where they lived kept them apart. He tried to do his best to keep them together, going out of his way to meet Dean wherever Dean wanted.

He thought about his family, especially his gruff father who had been a captain of his own crab boat by the time he was thirty. Phil had never said a word about being gay to his parents. He had no real idea how they’d react if they ever found out, yet Phil realized he didn’t have much longer to keep it a secret. At some point in the near future, he was going to have to speak up or risk losing Dean forever.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Dean muttered, then yawned as he rolled over onto his back.

“Sorry if I woke you, though I’m not sure how that would be possible.” Phil ran his hand over Dean’s chest, playing with the hair covering most of it.

Dean grunted. “You tensed up, and I must have felt it, even in my dreams. What were you thinking about?”

He really didn’t want to have this conversation. Not when they only had two days together before they both had to get back to their jobs.
When is there a good time?
Phil sighed before burying his face against Dean’s chest.

“I was thinking about my family,” he admitted.

Dean turned his head to look at him. “Are they all right?”

It was sweet of him to be concerned, considering Phil had never introduced Dean to them in the two years they’d been dating. Of course, he’d never met Dean’s parents either. Dean’s father had passed away right after Dean joined the Coast Guard, and his mother had remarried.

As far as Phil knew, she’d never visited Dean, especially since he’d been stationed at Kodiak, but Phil wondered if it was because Dean was gay or if they just weren’t that close a family.

“Everyone’s fine,” Phil said.

“Then what’s upsetting you?” Dean pulled back a little more, and Phil saw the concern in his lover’s eyes. “You should be sleeping the sleep of the well-fucked at the moment.”

Damn. Well, you started it by thinking about them. You might as well finish it.

He cleared his throat, and glanced all around the room before meeting Dean’s gaze again. “Would you be interested in maybe coming to my dad’s birthday party in June?”

Dean’s expression went slack for a moment, and Phil wondered how much of a surprise his request was to the man. When Dean sat all the way up, Phil sighed, then shifted so that he was leaning back against the headboard.

“Are you serious?” Dean took Phil’s hand in his. “I know it’s the Captain’s fiftieth, and all your family is going to be there. Are you sure you want me to come?”

He opened his mouth to answer him, but Dean didn’t give him a chance.

“Because you know I don’t want to go if you’re going to act like we’re just friends, Phil. I’ve never hidden who I was from anyone, not even the guys in my team. I’m not sure I could go an entire day just being your friend.”

Phil squeezed Dean’s hand, and smiled. “I know that, love, and I wouldn’t want you to pretend to be someone else. You’re the man I love, and if they can’t deal with it, then that’s their loss.”

Dean studied him. “Are you sure that’s how you’re really feeling? They’re your blood, Phil, and you need to think about turning your back on them for me.”

“Who said I’d turn my back on them?” Phil snorted. “Anyone who doesn’t like the fact that I’m gay and in love with a man, then they’ll just have to learn to deal with it. I’m not going to deny what you mean to me, but I’m also not going to walk away. Why make it easy for them to forget about me by hiding out? Hell no. I’m going to rub their face in it until they give up and just accept us as any other couple.”

“What if they disown you, and never want to talk to you again? What if they don’t return your calls or acknowledge that you even exist anymore?”

Dean’s question held a hint of what must have happened to him. Phil cupped Dean’s face, then pressed their mouths together. He sucked on Dean’s bottom lip, teasing and nibbling. Phil hoped Dean could tell just how much Phil cared, and also that Phil would never deny Dean.

When they broke apart, Dean sank into Phil’s embrace. He was glad to know Dean was willing to allow him to comfort him.

“I don’t think my parents will do that. At least I hope they won’t. You wouldn’t think it because Pop’s been a captain of a crab boat for twenty years. He’s gruff and crude, but you know what? I’ve never heard him say anything bigoted or racist in my life.”

He grinned as he thought about his dad. Pop had been a crab fisherman almost since the day he’d been born. Phil’s grandfather had made his living on the sea, and he’d taught all of his sons to love the water as well. Phil remembered spending entire days with his grandfather while his father had been out on the boats, and listening to him tell stories about the old days when crab fishermen were the cowboys of the sea.

“It’s different when it’s your kid though,” Dean pointed out. He inhaled then slowly breathed out. “How about this? You tell your parents before the party, and see how they react. I don’t want to show up there on that day, and surprise them with this. If they say I can still come, I’ll be more than happy to be your date.”

Dean had a point. If things didn’t go as well as Phil hoped they would, then it would ruin Pop’s fiftieth birthday, and Phil didn’t want that to happen.

“You’re right. Even if they turn out to be bastards about the whole gay thing, I don’t want to ruin Pop’s birthday.” Phil nuzzled Dean’s hair, loving how there were thin streaks of silver mixing in with the brownish-red. “I don’t think it’ll be a problem though. They’re all going to love you as much as I do.”

Dean didn’t say anything, yet Phil sensed his disbelief and worry in the lift of his shoulder when he shrugged.

“What happened to you and your parents? You never talk about your mom.”

“Do we really need to talk about this? I thought we were just going to have sex all weekend long.” Dean rolled away from him, then climbed out of bed.

Phil lay there, watching as Dean yanked on a pair of sweats before he headed to the bathroom.

Chapter Three

“Oh, we are going to have lots more sex before we say goodbye tomorrow night, but I want to do some talking right now. Besides I’m hungry. Let’s order some room service and you can tell me about your family.”

Dean winced at Phil’s announcement. What family Dean had had died when he was eighteen, right after he’d enlisted in the Coast Guard. His father had died of a massive heart attack, and Dean had lost the only person who’d truly loved him for who he was, not the image he presented to the world.

“What do you want to eat?” Phil called from the other room.

“Whatever you get is fine with me,” Dean said, then splashed some cold water on his face before he went back out there.

He rejoined Phil in bed as he was hanging up the phone. Phil turned to face him with a determined look on his face.

“You aren’t going to get out of this, Dean. I realized something a little while ago. We never talk about your family. You always seem far more interested in what’s happening with mine.” Phil covered Dean’s hand with his. “I want to know what went wrong with yours.”

Dean growled softly, but he knew Phil was right. If Phil was ready to take him home to meet his parents, then Dean needed to tell him why he wouldn’t ever be introducing Phil to his mother.

“What went wrong with my family?” Dean laughed. “I always thought we were your normal Mid-west family, even after I realized I was gay. I didn’t say anything to them about it at first because I was still trying to figure it out for myself. What did being gay mean? Did I want to tell them while I was still in high school and living at home?”

Phil grimaced. “I bet that was hard.”

Shaking his head, Dean admitted, “Actually, it wasn’t that hard to work things out in my head. I didn’t want to be the first ‘out’ kid in my high school. I didn’t want to be the flag bearer for all gays. I just wanted to get through school, and enlist. But during the summer between my junior and senior year, I met a boy.”

Phil’s eyes lit up. “Ooh…a summer love.”

“Yeah, but it wasn’t something either one of us wanted to admit to. He was my first boyfriend, and I couldn’t tell anyone about him. Not that I would’ve anyway, since he wasn’t anywhere close to coming out of the closet.” Dean leaned against the headboard, and stared across the room at the generic landscape hanging on the wall.

He didn’t move as Phil settled on the mattress next to him. He was thinking about Ronnie and how much he had discovered during that summer. Ronnie might not have been willing to come out, but he was willing to do a lot of other things to prove to Dean that liking boys could be just as fun as liking girls.

“Did your parents catch you or something?” Phil’s question pulled him from his memories.

Dean gestured vaguely. “No, nothing so dramatic. Ronnie had been in town to visit his grandparents, but he left in the middle of July or something. After he left, I got to thinking about how good I felt when we were together. I wasn’t hiding my true self with Ronnie. So one day, I just blurted it out to my parents over dinner.”

“Shit! No preparing them or hinting beforehand?” Phil chuckled. “That’s rough, man.”

“I know, but it was like it had built up inside me, until either I said something or I’d hide for the rest of my life. At least that’s how I felt right then.” Dean huffed softly. “I was a complete idiot. I should’ve just waited until I graduated, and was on my way out of the house. I’d already planned on enlisting, just wasn’t sure which branch I wanted to go into.”

Phil hummed, and Dean could see that he seemed to be thinking before he spoke. “You know, I’ve never had that moment. I’ve pretty much always known I was gay, but I never had that moment when I needed to announce it to the world. I have friends who know, which was always enough for me. Then I met you, and now I’ve come to the point where I want my parents to know because I want them to meet you.”

“Why?” Dean held up his hand to stop Phil from talking. “I know you love me, and that’s great, but why do you suddenly want to introduce me to your family? What changed?”

“What do you mean, what changed?”

Before Dean could answer him, someone knocked on the door. Phil climbed out of bed, then went to answer it. A bellhop stood outside in the hall with a cart. After Phil signed for it, he pushed it into the room where Dean had cleared off the other bed for them to eat on.

Once the food was laid out and they had taken a few bites of the burgers Phil had ordered, Dean glanced at Phil. “Why ask me to come to Cap’s party? When your mom turned fifty, you didn’t ask me to come.”

Phil dropped his gaze to the table, and sighed. “I’m sorry about that, Dean. I guess I just didn’t think about it, though we’d only been dating for six months by then.”

“True, and I shouldn’t have expected you to invite me, but still why?” Dean knew he was pushing his lover, but he did want to know.

“Because I love you, Dean, and I realized that if I didn’t bring you all the way into my life, then I would lose you eventually.” Phil shrugged. “Does it matter why I decided to do it? Shouldn’t you be happy that I’ve got to this point?”

Dean pursed his lips, then nodded. “You’re right, and I’m sorry to keep belaboring the issue. Like I said, tell your parents before the party, and if they’re cool with it, I’ll come with you.”

“All right. I can do that, but tell me what happened with your parents after you blurted out your dirty secret.” Phil brought the conversation back to what they were originally talking about, and Dean let him.

“What happened is I basically ceased to exist in my mother’s eyes. My dad wasn’t happy about it. He ignored my announcement and just treated me the way he always had, though he stopped asking about girlfriends and things like that. He forced my mother to acknowledge me. When he died, that was it. She didn’t have to pretend to like or even know me anymore.” Dean shoved his food around his plate. “That’s why we haven’t talked once since she remarried. I don’t send her Christmas cards, and she doesn’t have to remember that she has a son out in the world.”

Phil winced as he reached across the bed to rest his hand on Dean’s thigh. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Thanks, but I’ve dealt with it mostly. I made my own family over the years. I’ve got you, and the guys in my team. As much as I would love to have my mother in my life, I don’t need her.”

Dean had known any connection he’d had with his mother had died the moment he’d announced he was gay. His father had managed to keep their family together until he’d died, then Dean and his mother had parted ways, happy to be away from each other. He’d been telling Phil the truth when he’d said he’d made his own family. The men he served with at Kodiak Station knew he was gay, and most of them didn’t care. Those few who did kept their mouths shut because Dean was good at his job and the rest wouldn’t hear anything against him.

“And you’ll have me for as long as you want me,” Phil promised.

Dean smiled before leaning over to press a kiss on Phil’s lips. “Enough of this depressing shit,” he said. “Let’s eat, then see what else we can come up with that doesn’t involve talking.”

When they’d finished eating, Dean put the trays out in the hall, then returned to find Phil in their bed. After stripping, he slid in next to Phil and chose to not continue the conversation. Rolling over, Dean covered Phil’s body, wedging himself between the man’s legs. Phil moaned as Dean ground his erection against his, and Dean growled.

“We’re done talking about serious shit,” he told Phil. “I’ve been looking forward to fucking you several times this weekend. I know it’s going to be a couple of months before I can see you again, and I want to have a lot of hot memories to get me through those lonely weeks.”