Selby Supersnoop (12 page)

‘That certainly cheered them up,’ Harry cried, clapping along with everyone else. ‘Now when I count to three and snap my fingers, you will wake up and you will forget everything you just did, okay? One, two, three.’

Snap!

Selby heard the snap of Harry’s fingers and suddenly Mrs Trifle woke up.

‘What did you want me to do?’ she asked.

‘You’ve already done it,’ Harry answered. ‘You were so good that I’m sure you’ll be reelected.’

Everyone laughed and cheered as the puzzled Mrs Trifle went back to her seat. Selby pulled the curtains farther apart and saw Dr Trifle whispering in Mrs Trifle’s ear.

‘Isn’t High Hat Harry great?!’ Selby squealed. ‘I’d love to know how to hypnotise people.’

Next Madame Mascara came up and soon she, too, was hypnotised. She did cartwheels across the stage cackling like a hen. After her, Postie Paterson recited a rhyme about his second grade teacher, Mrs Tidley, that went:

Postie Paterson did a little curtsy as everyone screamed with laughter.

‘I beg your pardon!’ a voice cried out.

Everyone laughed again as they turned to see old Mrs Tidley herself, standing in the audience with her hands on her hips. After a second she, too, burst out laughing.

‘It’s a good thing she has a sense of humour,’ Selby thought.

Postie Paterson went back to his seat and asked the people next to him what he’d done.

For the next half hour, High Hat Harry had the most unlikely people playing hopscotch and
wiggling around the floor like worms. He even had Sergeant Short of the Bogusville police singing, ‘I’m a little teapot, short and stout'.

Finally the hypnotist sent everyone off the stage.

‘Now I’d like you all to watch my hand,’ Harry said, moving it in a slow circle. ‘Everyone watching please. Slowly, slowly. You are getting very sleepy.’

‘He’s going to hypnotise the whole audience,’ Selby thought. ‘How exciting!’

In a minute, Harry had everyone mooing like a hundred cows and scratching around in their seats like chickens.

‘He’s done it! This is great!’ Selby said, letting out a couple of moos and scratching the carpet with his feet. ‘This is soooo weird!’

‘All right, all right,’ Harry said, finally. ‘That brings us to the end of the show. Did you all have a good time?’

‘Yes!’ everyone shouted.

‘Then you may wish to help a poor hypnotist pay his rent,’ Harry said, taking off his huge hat, ‘by making a small donation.’

Harry handed his hat to someone in the
front row who got out his wallet and took out a five dollar note.

‘Only five dollars?’ Harry laughed. ‘Is that all I’m worth? How about the rest?’

The man laughed and then reached into his wallet and took out all his money and put it in the hat.

‘That’s more like it,’ Harry said.

Selby watched with delight as people took out their handbags and wallets and put all their money in the hat. Even Dr and Mrs Trifle put all their money in. Soon the hat came back to Harry, overflowing with money.

‘If he had sold tickets, he never would have made this much money,’ Selby thought. ‘This High Hat Harry certainly is a clever guy.’

‘Did I miss anyone?’ Harry asked.

‘You missed me!’

The voice came from the back of the hall. Suddenly the curtain parted and there was Selby. There was a gasp from the crowd.

‘I beg your pardon?’ Harry said, squinting towards Selby.

Selby felt a warm glow of happiness as he raced up to the stage.

‘I said that you missed me,’ Selby laughed. ‘But it won’t do you a bit of good because I don’t carry a wallet!’

‘Crikey!’ Harry blurted out. ‘A t-t-t-talking dog!’

‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle called out. ‘You can talk?’

‘Perfectly,’ Selby said proudly.

‘But you never told us,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Well, now you know,’ Selby laughed. ‘And it’s all because of you, Harry. You did me a big favour. I’d like to shake your hand.’

Selby stood on his hind legs and put his paw out. High Hat Harry reached for it automatically and then pulled his hand back in horror. And as he did so, Selby heard the slight snapping sound of the man’s fingers accidentally rubbing together.

Suddenly Selby came to his senses.

‘Oh my god, I was hypnotised!’ Selby thought. ‘Harry had me hypnotised and I didn’t know it! He made me give away my secret! Oh, no! I’ll never get out of this one! I’m a done dog! Why did I ever come here?’

‘This is all your fault! You’ve ruined my life!’ Selby yelled at Harry. A tear formed in Selby’s
eye and then rolled down his face, disappearing into his fur.

‘One minute he’s happy and the next minute he’s angry. What is it with this pooch?’ Harry said.

For a moment, all Selby could think of were the wonderful times he’d had living with the Trifles and the great adventures he’d had as he struggled to keep his secret a secret. Now it was over. Soon he’d be famous. People from all over would come by the busload to see the world’s greatest freak of nature — an actual, real live, talking dog.

More tears formed in Selby’s eyes and through them he saw the blurry shape of the man who had destroyed him — High Hat Harry. Suddenly his sadness turned to rage.

‘Get out of my sight before I tear your leg off!’ Selby screamed.

One sight of Selby’s teeth and Harry shot out the door. In a second his car started and drove off down the road.

Selby suddenly noticed the hatful of money. He handed it to someone in the front row.

‘Take back your money, everyone,’ Selby said.

‘The hat was passed around and everyone took out what they’d put in.

‘Please tell us how did you learn to talk?’ Mrs Trifle said finally.

‘I might as well tell you everything,’ Selby said with a sigh. ‘It happened a few years ago when I was watching TV. Suddenly I could understand everything everyone was saying. Then I practised and practised till I could talk.’

‘You must have been so surprised to just understand like that,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘You can say that again,’ Selby said.

‘You must have been so surprised to just understand like that,’ Dr Trifle said again.

Selby laughed a little Selby laugh in spite of himself.

‘No, I didn’t mean for you to say it again,’ he said. ‘It’s just an expression.’ Dr Trifle stared at him blankly. ‘It’s just like saying, “Shake a leg,” when you want someone to hurry up,’ Selby added.

Just then, everyone stood up and started shaking their legs.

‘That’s just an expression too,’ Selby said. ‘What’s wrong with you people? It’s like saying, “Well blow me down,” when you’re surprised.’

Suddenly everyone started blowing all at once and a gust of wind hit Selby that nearly blew him down.

‘Stop!’ Selby yelled. ‘You’re being silly! I’m trying to be serious here!’

‘Crumbs!’ Selby thought. ‘They’re all hypnotised! No wonder they gave all of their money! Harry told them to. He was robbing them! They’re still hypnotised because they didn’t hear Harry’s fingers snap. I think I’ve just been saved!’

‘All right, everyone,’ Selby announced. ‘The show is over. Now, when I count to three, you’re going to wake up. You’ll forget everything — especially the bit about me talking, okay? One, two, three,’ Selby said. ‘Uh-oh, I can’t snap my fingers. I don’t have any fingers ! What am I going to do? The whole of Bogusville could be hypnotised forever! Now wait a minute. Could you all please snap your fingers?’

There was an almighty clatter of snapping and everyone suddenly woke up.

‘I guess the show’s over,’ someone said. ‘But where’s High Hat Harry?’

‘Well, Harry said he was a lucky dog to be in Bogusville,’ someone else yelled, pointing at Selby, ‘and now I guess he’s turned into one.’

Everyone roared with laughter as Selby raced from the stage and headed for home.

‘Lucky dog is right,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’m the luckiest dog in Australia — and perhaps the world!’

The author would like to thank Josie Walker, Fleur Hall, and Kathryn Lambert for invaluable (and therefore, unpaid) assistance cheerfully rendered.

Duncan Ball is an Australian author best known for his popular books for children. Among his most-loved works are the books about Selby, the talking dog. Selby Sorcerer is the eleventh collection of short stories about ‘the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world’. Also published is a selection of stories taken from the other books called Selby’s Selection, and two collections of jokes: Selby’s Joke Book and Selby’s Side-Splitting Joke Book.

Among Duncan’s other books are the Emily Eyefinger series, about the adventures of a girl who was born with an eye on the end of her finger, and the comedy novels, Piggott Place and
Piggotts in Peril, about the frustrations of twelve-year-old Bert Piggott, forever struggling to get his family of ratbags and dreamers out of the trouble they constantly get themselves into.

Duncan lives in Sydney with his wife, Jill, and their cat, Jasper. They also love dogs and once considered getting one but were stopped by the sudden arrival of an unstamped letter in their mailbox. It said simply: ‘Don’t get a dog. You’ve already got the most perfect pet in the world.’ Where the letter came from and why it smelled vaguely of cat food is still a mystery.