Selby Screams (12 page)
Authors: Duncan Ball
“Poor Ralpho,” Selby thought as the audience burst into laughter, “he’s just not a showman.”
“Okay,” Ralpho said, pulling out a pistol, “I guess that brings us to the trick-shooting part of my act.”
Suddenly there was a stampede for the exits which only stopped when Mrs Trifle leaped to the stage and grabbed the microphone.
“Come back, everyone! Please! Order! Order,” she yelled. “Ralpho’s not going to do his trick-shooting act, are you Ralpho?”
“I don’t know why no one likes my trick shooting,” Ralpho muttered to Mrs Trifle. “It’s always so exciting. I think so anyway. Okay, I’ll bring out the talking dog and finish the act.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Mrs Trifle said, stepping aside, “can we have a big hand for Lulu the talking dog!”
Ralpho reached down and lifted a small dog onto the table in front of him.
“Hmmmmmm,” Selby thought, pricking up his ears. “That doesn’t look like a stuffed toy. It looks like the real thing. But of course it can’t be. It’ll be interesting to see how Ralpho fakes the talking part.”
Ralpho pulled a watch out of his pocket.
“Excuse me, folks,” he said, looking at his
watch,“but I’ve got a train to catch in just a few minutes and I don’t want to miss it.
“Now let me tell you about Lulu. She was found wandering aimlessly in the jungles of the Amazon by a butterfly collector from Ballarat who later sold her to me,” Ralpho said. “He was on his way out of the jungle after collecting seventy-two new species of butterfly when he happened across her. He reached down to pat her and she said in perfect English, ‘Excuse me, sir, but I’m lost.’ Didn’t you, Lulu?”
“That’s correct,” the dog said suddenly in perfect English.
“It’s got to be a trick. She’s hardly moving her mouth,” Selby thought, suddenly remembering that he hardly moved his mouth when he talked. “She can’t be a real talking dog. There simply aren’t any — well, except for yours truly.”
“Tell the audience more about yourself,” Ralpho said.
“There isn’t really anything to tell, Mr Magnificent,” Lulu said. “I have amnesia and can’t remember anything before I met the butterfly collector.”
“So there you have it, folks,” Ralpho said. “The only talking dog in the world!”
“My goodness,” Dr Trifle whispered to Mrs Trifle loud enough for Selby to hear as well. “This is the most sophisticated piece of gadgetry I’ve had the pleasure of seeing. I wonder how he’s doing it? I think we can rule out the use of a super high-frequency oscillating converter.”
“Can we?” Mrs Trifle asked.
“Yes. And we can also rule out lambda wave transmission through thixotropic media.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. And he couldn’t be using smart-quark excitation because I don’t suppose he’s ever even heard of it,” Dr Trifle said.
“Do you know those silly dolls that have a string you pull to make them talk?” Mrs Trifle asked."I think it’s one of those.”
“Hmmm, good point,” Dr Trifle said, looking for a string but not seeing any.
“I know what you’re all thinking,” Ralpho said, glancing at his watch again. “You think that Lulu has a string I pull to make her talk. Not true, is it Lulu?”
“No, it certainly isn’t, Mr Magnificent,” Lulu g
i
ggled.
“And now, ladies and gentlemen,” Ralpho said, “I need a different sort of volunteer. Could you please bring your dog up here, Dr and Mrs Trifle?”
Mrs Trifle picked up Selby and put him on the table next to Lulu.
“Hello, how are you?” Lulu said, and Selby felt himself go all weak at the knees.
“I can’t believe it,” Selby thought as he looked deep into Lulu’s eyes. “It sounded like she actually spoke to me!”
Ralpho looked at his watch for a moment and then said, “What do you think of the mayor’s dog, Lulu?”
“He’s very handsome,” Lulu said, batting her eyelids.
“I can’t believe it!” Selby thought. “Here I am face to face with another talking dog! A friend at last! Maybe even a girlfriend!”
“I think he thinks you’re very pretty,” Ralpho said.
“Do you think so, Mr Magnificent?”
“Oh, wonder of wonders!” Selby thought. “This is the most beautiful day of my life.”
“Go ahead, little doggie,” Ralpho said to Selby. “Don’t be shy. Talk to her. She won’t bite. Ha ha ha.”
The audience giggled and then burst into spontaneous applause.
“Lulu is a thinking, feeling and talking dog just like me!” Selby thought. “I’ve got to talk to her before Ralpho races off to catch that train.
But — but — but if I do my secret will be out. Who knows — I could end up in Ralpho’s show!”
“I like you,” Lulu said, blinking her eyelashes at Selby."Do you like me?”
Selby saw a tiny smile cross Lulu’s lips and his mind raced like a speeding train.
“Oh, no! Her eyes just penetrated my soul!” he thought. “If I don’t talk to her now I’ll miss my chance. She’ll never know that there’s another talking dog in the world!”
Selby was just about to say: “My name’s Selby and I believe that you and I are the only talking dogs in Australia and perhaps the world,” when suddenly Lulu said, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, with me, with me, with me, with me —”
There was a murmur in the crowd as Ralpho kicked something under the table and then there was a terrible scratching noise.
“It’s not a talking dog at all!” someone screamed. “Ralpho’s got a record-player under the table! Look!”
“I see!” Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle. “He knows exactly when she’s going to speak and he
asks her questions just before she answers. It’s the oldest trick in the book.”
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” Ralpho said, turning bright red and running off with Lulu as the audience roared with laughter.
“It’s a pity about that record-player getting stuck,” Mrs Trifle said later when they were walking home. “Poor old Ralpho almost had me believing that there was a real talking dog right here in Bogusville.”
“Yes,” Dr Trifle said. “He certainly gave us all something to think about for a minute or so.”
“One more minute,” Selby thought as he trotted ahead, “and I’d have given them something to really think about!”
SEVEN WARNING SIGNS OF A TALKING DOG
Duncan Ball
‘Tell me what I should do with my life!’ Bert wailed. ‘Should I catch a boat to South America? Should I learn to play the trombone? Should I start an ostrich farm? I need your help! Give me a sign, any sign!’
Sadly, Bert was talking to the only one he trusted in the whole world: Gazza, his stuffed goat. And, once again, the goat wasn’t talking …
Piggott Place
is a riotous but touching comedy about twelve-year-old Bert Piggott as he struggles to keep his family of dreamers, ratbags and scoundrels together. Everyone hates the Piggotts and now the council is going to evict them from their once beautiful mansion, Piggott Place. But the authorities haven’t bargained on Bert and his young friend Antigone (would-be star of stage and screen) and their crazy scheme. The question is: can two kids take on a world of adults and win?
Duncan Ball
Piggotts in Peril
begins with the shy and sensitive Bert Piggott accidentally finding the map to pirate treasure hidden many years ago by his great-great-great-great-grandfather. At first a quest for untold wealth seems the answer to all his problems but getting it means bringing along his scheming, ratbag family. Little does he know that what lies ahead are problems that even the pessimistic Bert could never imagine: the terror of turbulent seas aboard a ‘borrowed’ boat, capture by pirates, being marooned on the Isle of the Dead, and more.
Piggotts in Peril
is a warm, adventure-comedy about the origins of the universe, the evolution of humankind — and pirate treasure.
Selby, the only talking dog in Australia and, perhaps, the world, is back in the snappiest collection of fur-raising and fun-filled adventures yet! So hold on tight as you rocket through space and time with the perilous pooch as he deals with a nasty knight and an even nastier dragon!
And take a deep breath as Aunt Jetty tears through town on a runaway toilet leaving a trail of destruction; then Selby is captured and taken away to be the ruler of a mysterious jungle tribe; and if that isn’t enough he falls head over heels in love with the most gorgeous girl-dog he’s ever seen!