Seeking Nirvana (6 page)

That’s when I noticed them.

Small round and oval silver markings scattered out like some dot-to-dot puzzle covering both my inner thighs. I grazed over the largest which was about the size of a quarter. The flesh felt raw, like someone was stabbing me with a pin as my fingertip gently inspected the blemish.

Thirteen round scars coated my flesh. They may not have been big, damn; they may not have been entirely visible until close inspection, still,
I was inundated with shame––shame and additional questions that I needed to somehow find the answers to.

I
examined my body with a fine toothcomb afterward. The inside of my upper arm had four slight silver stripes which weren’t as sensitive as the ones on my legs, probably because they were less than half the size.

I was scared.
My body had been mutilated and I didn’t know why or how. Confusion bred from my moment of alarm. I was in the dark, and once again, I felt like I was getting sucked under by that God awful quicksand. Usually, I would have asked Liam why my body was defaced, what had happened and when? However, his demeanor over the recent days had me feeling like there was a chasm between us. I felt nervous and anxious even considering asking him, let alone actually doing it. I shook my head to myself. The likelihood of him being a vague as a Zen master finally bolstered my choice to keep this one to myself.

Have you ever been asleep
and had a sensation, a gut-feeling if you will, that something wasn’t quite right? Well that’s what happened that night.

I couldn’t even remember falling asleep; I had purposely forced myself to stay awake in hope that Liam would accept my advances when he found my naked ass waiting
up for him. Alas, I woke to an empty, cold bed and to the faint sound of mumbling and chuckling echoing from down the hall.

I kicked the satin comforter back, shielded my naked body with my ivory robe, and tread quietly down the
passage. It was 2:34 a.m., and the door to his home office was ajar. The closer I stepped, the louder his voice became.

The painted wall chilled my right shoulder even through my robe, as I
rested against it, while I bowed to The Devil on my shoulder as he compelled me to listen to the one sided conversation.

“Yes, I understand…no, that’s no problem at all, whatever you need…I’m excited, too…I’ll make the arrangements
by the end of the week and I’ll let you know…okay, bye.”

Hearing the receiver being placed in the cradle, only t
hree words repeated in my mind like a mantra…what the fuck?

Quietly pushing the door open farther, I rested my shoulder against the door
way. Liam pushed himself back in his seat, his hands concealing his face. He was still in his shirt and black pants.

“Who was that?” I muttered
defiantly. I saw his shoulders jolt at the sound of my voice as I glared at his still form with stern, stony, accusing eyes.

He s
cuffed his hands down his face. “That would be, Mr. Yoshimotto. DeLaney Constructs has landed the contract for his newest hotel,” he smiled at the achievement.

E
yebrow arched, I folded my arms across my chest. “Business calls at 2:34 in the morning?”

“Time zones, Kady, baby. It’s late afternoon in Tokyo.”

I stepped over the threshold and gingerly strolled to Liam’s desk. The glow of the full moon lit up the passing clouds in the sky as I peeked out of the window behind him.

“
They’ve called a meeting, so I need to fly out at the end of the week, or the beginning of next week at the very latest.”

“Hm
m…” I gave a faint nod, and rounded his desk. Stopping in front of him, I slipped my body onto the cool, oak surface, hiding my shock as the coolness connected with my naked behind. “How long will you be gone for?”

“About five days, maybe a week. But it gives you more time to hang out with Liv.
”

I rolled my eyes and nodded.

The material whined as he shifted in the seat. “You seem bothered by something, baby. What’s the matter?”

That’s funny; I’ve been thinking the exact same thing about you.

“Kady?”

After a few torturous moments, I finally spoke.
“What happened between us, Liam?” His brow crumpled, his lips pursed. “I may not remember the last three years and what we were like. But I remember what we were, the passion, and the need.”

His hands found their way into his slicked back, brown hair. “Kady,” he rasped my name on a hefty sigh.

“What happened? Because I have been throwing myself at you and you keep rejecting me. This isn’t what I remember us being like. Are there problems…sexually, with one of us?”

“Kady,” he chided
, and the underlying tone of his voice had my eyes widening and my body jolting backward.

“Liam, I’m sorry. I don’t want to offend, but…God only knows how many photos we’ve sifted through, you’ve taken me back to parks, diners and beaches that we have visited, but nothing is coming back to me. The only thing that I remember us being is now nonexistent. If I can feel that connection between us, maybe the rest will follow.”

A deathly silence echoed around the office. I didn’t want to provoke him further, not after the behavior he exhibited earlier that night. This time, I was on my own; no one would have been here to help if things got too heated.

His elbows rest
ed on the arms of his seat. His brow rested on locked hands as he hung his head forward. “Kady,” he murmured, scuffing his hands down the length of his face once again. His green and blue speckled eyes were hooded, confounded. “I don’t want to take advantage of your condition.”

That deep, thick, throaty
laugh which came from me, could not have been kept in check, no matter how hard I tried. Leaning forward, I grasped the arms of his seat and wheeled him between my legs. “Liam, how is having sex with me taking advantage, when I am begging for you to just ravage me. If I
couldn’t
remember what we had, and you told me about it, then expected that of me, then that would be taking advantage of the situation. Please.” Raising my legs, I set them on the arms of the chair, giving him an unobstructed view of what I needed him to claim, what I hoped would have been the catalyst to regain my three years. “I need this.”

Th
e feral growl that left him as he shunted himself out of the leather had me quivering alone. Forceful hands promptly fisted into my hair as he slanted his mouth over me, and dipped his tongue into my opening. He held my head firmly, taking what he wanted from me as I freely gave, with approving groans traveling along frenzied pants.

Yes, this is what I remember.
Unable to contain my excitement and arousal as he finally succumbed to what I had been aching for, I sunk my fingers in the gaps between the buttons of his shirt, and pulled it open with all my might, the buttons tinkling as they scattered over the wooden flooring.

He
was standing between my thighs, his body towering over me as I locked my lengthy legs around his hips, and shimmied to the edge of the desk as I sought contact with my objective. Fingers loosened and left my hair. I felt my nipples tightened, and welcomed my body’s incessant squirming as skillful hands which I remembered, began to work south, caressing my neck and throat, until, like the savage I knew was inside him, he ripped my robe open, and gazed down at me as his lips fell away from my own.

My hands were w
ild, frantic as I traveled over his warm, hard body, his chest hair tickling my palm as I traced over his Chinese symbol, while the spikes of the spider’s web on the left of his neck pulsated. It was like reacquainting myself with an old toy, every little area seemed so new, so thrilling.

Pants unzipped, I lowered them over his hips and cupped his weighty balls, before slithering my hand up his growing length as he
molded my tits in his hands. He tweaked my nipple with such force I felt it in the pulsation of my clit, and I had no choice but to cry out with both pleasure, and pain.

“Oh, God, Liam,” I rasped, my hips bucking as he bored his fingers inside me. He opened the top draw
er of the desk, and handed me the foil packet before slamming it shut. The vibrations of the desk stroked at my core and journeyed through my shameless body, while he circled his fingers, sweeping the source of my lust with his occupied hand.

Ripping the packet, I smoothed the rubber
down his steel length. His fingers left the warm, doused surroundings of my pussy, and without warning, he slammed his cock inside, burying himself to the root. I groaned at the invasion, tipping my head back as he masked his face in the curve of my neck. My hips were held with potent hands as he rammed himself into my body and jerked his hips back methodically.

Grinding and grunting against my flesh, he kept his head concealed as
I circled my arm around his neck. You didn’t have to be a sex expert to know that he was holding back. His thrusts weren’t as powerful as I needed and wanted them to be. He dragged his hips back and impaled me again, still the vigor I needed, the techniques he used to use on me, weren’t there.

Panting, I pleaded for him to do me harder, faster, rougher, just like I remembered.
But my pleas went unanswered and two thrusts later, Liam stilled, his body shuddering. Sniffling, he pulled out of me, and drew himself from the curve of my neck. He didn’t once look at me, and I couldn’t help but sit on his desk, legs spread and mouth agape, as for the first time I can remember, he left me totally unsatisfied.

Confounded, I watched on as h
e slipped off the condom, knotted it up, and tossed it in the waste basket before folding himself back into his pants and sinking into his seat.

Nothing needed to be said. I knew he was holding back from me and his expression…he looked disgusted, like he had been coerced
into doing some devious, sickening act.

I nodde
d and silently slipped myself from his desk. With a barely audible disapproving sigh, I began to advance toward the entrance to do something I had no recollection of ever doing before. To finish myself off.

I halted at the doorway
before taking a step over the threshold and turned to face him. He didn’t notice me flashing him a scowl, because he was too busy embedding his face in his hands. “I’m sorry that I disgust you,” I murmured through the lump forming in my throat, and began to walk away.

I didn’t know what hurt more, the fact that I thought I disgusted him, or the fact that he didn’t deny my assumption.

My mind swam as shapes and colors melded into one. My hand felt like it was on fire, but after a while, the fire lost its heat and just the methodical action of nails scraping up and down the back of my hand took its place.

I sighed, and continued to get lost in my own silent musings.

Lost…could I possibly get anymore further away from my destination?

Liam’s voice was a distant hum, so distant, it was impossible for me to even attempt to reach out and have it reel me back. And a part of me didn’t want to be reeled back. Things weren’t making sense anymore. My life had become unrecognizable. Each day I became more and more disinclined to step foot out of the front door. I didn’t want to talk to people. Nevertheless, I did secretly question why my parents hadn’t even contacted us to see how I was.

I found myself craving an escape, an escape that I found in my mind by allowing the world around me to fade into nothingness. An escape I
uncovered and was running toward more and more. An escape I was using to drown out my emotional and mental hurt that was being inflicted by the one person who I loved. It was an escape where I strived to ball all of the emotions which I couldn’t face, which were proving too challenging to overcome, and to somehow…just release it.

“And apparently…reception for cell-phones…so good, but don’t…little head, baby, I’ll ring every night, okay?”

I overheard him mutter my name. However, my own private world was holding me, restraining me and I couldn’t pull myself out of the quicksand. I dug my nails into the raw flesh even harder, scraping and chaffing until I could get that fire burning again.

“Kady!?”
he shouted, throwing something into the gradually lined case that lay waiting to be filled, on the bed.

The sound had me jolted, my hands raised to protected m
y face as I cowered. “I’m sorry,” I blurted instantaneously. Renouncing a form of protection which for some reason, came as naturally as breathing, I hesitantly lowered my hands from my face. “I must have blanked out for a moment.”

He stepped
towards me and grasped my hands in his. “Hey, what’s all this about, Kady?” He studied the fiery red blemish on the back of my left hand and the blood under the nails of my right.

I shook my head
with a deep crease spanning my forehead. “I didn’t know I was…” I peeked up to see his firm, determined face, and suddenly, the wave of shame had doubled. “I’m sorry, Liam.”

Freeing my right hand,
he tipped my head back with his index finger set under my chin. I felt uncomfortable and particularly anxious with having his eyes gazing into me that intently, especially after his sharp moods. “You know we don’t keep secrets from each other. What’s playing on your mind, Kady, baby? Let me help you.”

I sank into the bed, into his clutch on my chin as his pacifying tone thawed my hesitation.
“I was thinking about my parents and Brittany.”

“Oh?
” he sounded skeptical. “Well, do you want to talk about it, baby?” He rested next to me on the foot of the bed. The ivory satin throw made it near enough impossible to perch yourself on the edge without slipping.

I shimmied myself
up further before speaking. “I was out cold for four days. In ten days total, they came to see me once. They didn’t come back when they said they would. I’ve been home for nearly two weeks, and not even so much as a phone call to ask if everything is okay.” I drew in a much needed breath before continuing. “Liam, if it was our child in the hospital bed, I wouldn’t have left her side. How can they not care? I don’t understand.”

The gentle sensation of him rubbing his thumb over the back of my right hand had me lifting my head to look at him straight-on. The little V scored between his eyebrows. He licked his lips. “
I’m sorry, Kady, baby. I didn’t want to worry you, but––”

In a lightning flash, my
bloodied, left hand was covering his, clutching pleadingly. “Worry me? Why Liam, what’s happened? Please tell me. Is everything okay?” I gushed, worry palpable in not only my tone, but in flared eyes which searched his for an answer.

He slipped himself off the bed,
left the room and trudged down the hall with me in tow, continuing to beg for pieces of information that he was blatantly withholding from me, like a dog for tidbits. We stepped into his office, where he dug out a large, gray file.

“Your mom and dad have been under a lot of stress lately.”

“Stress,” I responded while he pulled a document from the folder.

“Your dad got himself into some trouble, and the business has been affected…”

“What kind of trouble? How has the business been affected? Please, Liam. I don’t understand any of this.”

His eyes hardened and his jaw tensed.
“Calm down, Kady, baby,” he strained through gritted teeth in a tone I was becoming vastly familiar with. I hushed immediately. “I’m trying to explain. Marcus got himself wrapped up in some gambling. Jenson’s has been going under, so I have been loaning him money to keep them afloat. Here.”

My jaw slacked
as I studied the bank statement closely with wide-eyes. “Liam,” I flicked through to the second page, the third page, the fourth page, fifth and sixth page. “Six months?”

“It’s been longer than that, Kady, but I shred the others. Nearly $25,000 I have loaned your dad, their mortgage was slipping, like I said, the business is real
ly struggling. But Kady, baby,”––I pulled my focus from the documents, and met Liam’s caring, considerate gaze. “My dad was a gambler; I know how serious it can get. It’s not something that we particularly want for our future. That’s why I told him he has to clean his act up.”

Now this is making sense…okay, a little sense.
“Thank you for helping them, Liam. I don’t know how I can repay you.”

He smiled his arrogant smile, and pulled me into his arms
, holding me against the warmth of his broad chest. “You don’t need to repay me, baby. Don’t think of them not getting into contact because they don’t care about you, Kady, baby. Think of it as, they know that I will take care of you, and they have nothing to worry about except getting themselves and their marriage on the straight and narrow, yeah?”

Snuggled against his
body, I welcomed his heat and fresh scent. I nodded. “What about, Brittany?”

“Brittany’
s snowed under with all of her exams, baby. We want her to get a good job don’t we? Even with her pink hair.”

Pink hair, I mean, really? What on earth possessed her to go with pink?

At 5:35 p.m., Liam folded himself into a cab, and left for Logan International to fly to Tokyo for his business meeting with Yoshimotto.

I
had held my tongue for what seemed like time without end. Liam’s disclosure revolved continually over and over, and my head began to thump, and my stomach began to churn and knot. How could my dad do such a thing? He knew how my mom felt about gambling. The money he was putting down for all those little betting slips, or decks of cards, wasn’t just money. Each time Marcus Jenson was staking on something, he was turning his back, and risking what he had with his family.

$25,000 of Liam’s hard earned money had been a life raft for them. Mom and Dad may not have felt any shame in accepting money off my boyfriend to keep them afloat and Jenson
Golf Resort and Spa from going under, but I sure as Hell wasn’t going to put up with it.

I waved Liam off before
quickly retreated back inside, with a world of fury and discredit for my father, festering in the pits of my stomach.

Making a beeline to the kitchen,
I reached for the cordless phone while pouring a fresh cup of coffee.

“Hello,” Mom’s softly spoken, two octave voice sounded down the earpiece.

“Don’t give me the softly spoken BS, mother––” I hissed.

“Kady?”

“Oh, so you do remember me then?” I wasn’t going to attempt to extract the sardonic tone from my voice, I was beyond furious. “That’s funny, because family seems to mean shit for you people.”

“Excuse me?”
she gasped, and although I couldn’t physically see her, I knew she was frowning, and her hand probably found its way to her throat.

“The fucking audacity.
I was in the hospital, in a fucking coma for four days––”

“
Four––hold on a moment, Kady.”

When
I heard her press a button, everything on the opposite end followed in an echo. “Have you just put me on speaker?” Before anyone had a chance to answer, I charged on. “Good, you can all listen to me for once. Your eldest daughter was in a coma for four days, in the hospital for six after pulling through. You visited me once, caused an argument and got me in a state, and you didn’t come back. I’ve been home now for almost two weeks and not as much as a fucking phone call––” I slammed my hand down hard on the surface of the island, making the onyx liquid in my mug ripple.

“Kady,” Dad boomed
down the speaker.

How dare he try and interrupt me!
“No, don’t you dare start, I’m far from finished. Remember all those pep-talks when I was a kid, ‘don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t gamble’, you got a fucking cheek, Dad. Taking money off Liam to help make sure the business stays afloat, while you squander your money. You make me sick.”

I heard Dad snigger down the speaker, which only riled me even more. Eventually, after he pleaded, I let them speak.

“Kady, we had no idea you were in that coma for four days, had we have known, we would have been there sooner. The first thing we knew was ten hours before we got out to you. We did come back the following day, we stayed in Boston for a week, every day we came to visit, but no one would let us in to see you, because somehow Liam was down as your next of kin, and he gave strict orders for you not to be disturbed.”

My face fell. I staggered backward, thankful for the many
barstools that surrounded the island. No, no, no, no, this couldn’t be right. “What?”

“We tried to
call your cell, Kady, but the line said it was out of service, and we don’t know the phone number for your house. We would fly out to see you, but we don’t know exactly where you live. And as for the business and Liam lending me money, chickpea, I’m sorry to disappoint, but Jenson Golf Resort and Spa are in a five-figure profit. I have never gambled. It’s more than my life is worth; you know what your mom thinks of it.”

The ground liquefied under
the legs of my stool and I was sinking into the mush once again. “But…I–I saw the bank statements, $25,000 in six months had been…”

“Chick
pea, it hasn’t been going to us. I swear down as true as I am standing next to this phone, with your mother in tears under my arm.”

“But, why?
Why would Liam lie about this? What about, Brittany?”

“She
’s swamped with her exams. She’s got another five spreading over this week and next week.”

Well, at least that was
one truth, in a swap full of dishonesty.

They asked where Liam was, and
in a daze, I informed them of his business meeting in Tokyo. Safe to say they were livid, and even offered to come and stay with me while he was gone. I politely declined, knowing that Liv would help put things into perspective; if there was one thing she was good at, it was figuring out a man, and at least with her, I could try and have fun while doing it.

Leaving the house pas
t dark to go to the liquor store, in Bricksdale, a town that I don’t know in the light of day seemed like an amazing idea at the time. I was juggling two grocery bags when a beefy motherfucker stopped me in the parking lot.

“Hey, pretty lady,
” he purred. I hung my head in silence and began to round him, when he blocked my progression with an intimidating sidestep. “No need to be rude, lady. Hand over your purse.”

Seized by fear, I froze on the spot,
practically quaking in my boots. “Excuse me?” my voice betrayed my panic with its low, shaky tone.

“I said”––he
drew his hand from his pocket in haste, his fingers lightly grasping a handle of some sort. A sharp metal blade glimmered under the streetlamp as he menacingly flicked his wrist, causing the steel to reveal itself. “Give me your fucking purse,” he demanded. Taking two steps forward, he knocked one of the bags from my arm, sending my goods scattering as it tumbled to the floor. I took a cautious step away as he stepped over my purchases which lay in disarray.

Hefty
footsteps resonated in the darkness as someone came running across the lot. They got louder and louder the closer he came. Oh, fuck, now there were two. I’m fucked, I’m so fucked. I squatted down low, clutching my purse and hugging my knees into my chest, when the beefy guy was unexpectedly twisted around and punched in the face.

I
wobbled and landed heavily on my ass as the man masked by the darkness folded my attacker over and kneed him in the face, spawning a wounded groan. “You think you’re fucking tough picking on a woman?” I knew that voice, that sexy, pleasant lilt which was now cloaked by hostility. He laid another punch; the man stumbled back again, fell to the floor and curled up into a ball as my Irish victor booted him swiftly in the gut. “Try taking on someone your own fucking size, you prick.”