Seeking Carolina (16 page)

Nina and Gunner invited her to join them on the ski slopes, but Johanna declined, instead asking Emma if she and the boys wanted to go to the wildlife sanctuary in the next town over, like they used to when they were girls. Just as Johanna was leaving, Julietta emerged from her office upstairs, declaring her latest deadline met and the rest of the year—a whole two days—off, and that she was tagging along on their outing.

“This place hasn’t changed even a little bit,” Johanna said as they sat at a rickety table, sipping watery coffee. “I think even all the animals are the same as when we were kids.”

“Can’t be,” Julietta said. “Well, maybe the turtles, but not the deer and raccoons.”

“Ian found a baby bird once,” Emma said. “We brought it here, and visited it until it was big enough to fly off on its own.”

Ian, Henry, and Gio played in the maze, dug “fossils” in the sandbox, tapped on glass tanks and begged to feed the animals despite the signs saying they couldn’t. Johanna’s genuine affection for them was tempered only by the opinion that Emma spoiled them to the point of being annoying, but she kept her mouth shut when her sister slipped Henry a crumble of her cookie to drop into the koi pond when no one was looking. Julietta did not.

“Emma.”

“What? It’s just a piece of a cookie.”

“The sign says not to feed the animals.”

“They’re fish.”

“Don’t pretend to be dumb.”

“Come on, Jules,” Emma laughed, looking sidelong at the attendant behind the desk. “He didn’t hurt anything.”

“How do you know? Are you an expert on the digestive tracts of koi? You can’t teach your boys to obey the rules only when it suits them. Rules are created to keep people from doing stupid things.”

Emma and Johanna exchanged glances. Their sister was not looking at either of them, but rather to some random point beyond the koi pond.

“You’re right,” Emma said gently. “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry.”

Julietta blinked, scowled, nodded. Emma called her sons away from the koi pond, diverting their attention to the guess-what’s-in-the-box game still hiding away the glued-down piece of deer antler, turtle shell, trilobite, and squirrel skull in it the first time Johanna ever put her hand inside.

“She spoils them.” Julietta grumbled.

“They’re good boys.”

“They won’t be if she lets them break the rules.”

“I broke the rules all the time and look at me,” Johanna joked.

“Gram never let you, though.”

“But Poppy did.” Johanna nudged her. “Remember he let us have donuts for breakfast whenever Gram worked on Saturday mornings?”

It took a moment, but Julietta thawed. She grinned. “Donuts in front of Saturday morning cartoons. She’d have flipped.”

“And see? We’re all fine.”

“Are we?”

“Aren’t we?”

Julietta shrugged. Her attention strayed to their nephews now climbing the kiddie-rock-wall. Johanna sipped her coffee, disgusting as it was. She was ready to go home, make a good pot of coffee, and wait for Charlie to call.

“What’s it like, Jo?”

She blinked. “Sorry, what was that?”

Julietta grimaced. “Being in love. What’s it like?”

“Scary,” she said the first word that popped into her head. “And amazing. Why? Do you think you might be falling for Efan?”

“I’m not sure what it is I’m doing,” she said. “Sometimes my emotions get confused. Sometimes I wonder if I actually feel anything, or if simply react to my surroundings. Like a starfish or something.”

“I have no idea what that means, Jules.”

“Starfish just react,” she said. “To food. To light. To other starfish. There’s no thought, no plan. Just reaction. It’s how I feel sometimes. Most of the time, really. But—”

“But?”

“I’ve never reacted to anyone the way I do Efan. He makes me…happy. I think about him when he’s not around, and when he is, I just want to touch him, to know he’s real and not…not…”

Julietta’s eyes welled. Johanna moved to the seat beside her, put an arm about her shoulders. “Oh, honey. Of course he’s real.”

“But would you tell me if he wasn’t? Or would you let me believe in him because it makes me happy? Because it’s safer than telling me the truth?”

Heart churning, eyes stinging, Johanna could not speak through the constriction of her throat. She could only hold her sister’s hand, caressing the spot between forefinger and thumb, trying to find the right words to assuage the fears they shared.

“You’re not like Daddy,” she managed at last.

“But would I be, without all the medication I take?”

“The medication is for anxiety, not schizophrenia.”

“I’m afraid you are all keeping the truth from me. That’s paranoia.”

“Being afraid doesn’t make you like Daddy any more than me nearly freezing myself in a cemetery makes me like Mom.”

Julietta fell silent, then she startled and reached into her jeans pocket for her phone. Tears gave way to a watery smile. “It’s him.”

“Well, answer it.”

Julietta tapped the screen, put the phone to her ear and rose to her feet. “I was just talking about you.”

Johanna tried to focus on Emma and the boys now looking intently at the winter cluster of bees keeping warm their queen, through the plexiglass panel of their hive. Her ears strained to hear her youngest sister’s conversation, or at least the tone in her voice. Julietta started back to the rickety table.

“Great,” she was saying. “I’ll ask them. It sounds like fun.”

“Who will you ask what?” Johanna asked once she sat down again. Julietta smiled, all remnants of their earlier conversation banished with a single phone call.

“First Night. Ever been to one?”

“I don’t know. What is it?”

“When a whole town celebrates New Year’s Eve together. Great Barrington is doing it this year. Entertainment, food, games, contests, music. It sounds like a lot of fun. Efan wants me to come, and he asked if you, Nina and Emma want to come too—with the guys, of course.”

“I’m up for it. I’ll see if Charlie is.”

Johanna gratefully steered the conversation to the catamaran Nina and Gunner were thinking about buying, and the trip around the world they would take in it. Her brother-in-law was already talking about the curiosities shop they could open with all the odd things they found exploring. As Nina predicted, Gunner was not content to live the life of the idle rich.

It had been much the same since Christmas Day, and their discovery of Gram’s secret. The sisters skirted about the bigger issues they faced, like what was going to happen with the house, and Julietta, once Nina and Johanna went back to their own lives. Emma had no interest in moving into the farmhouse. She liked her neighborhood and the abundance of children there. Suggesting she move in with her sister insinuated Julietta was incapable of taking care of herself—the truth of which Johanna could not quite grasp. It had simply been easier to let it all slide. There was time. Johanna was staying on until spring, but time passed quickly, even in winter. Even in Bitterly.

* * * *

It was decided—they were all going to First Night. Charlotte had happily offered to watch Emma’s boys through the night, considering she had no plans that did not involve Katie and yet more karaoke.

Johanna stood before the mirror in her room, inspecting the thick sweater, black jeans, and the white goat-hair boots she had splurged on when it became apparent that a slinky, sequined dress was not suitable for traipsing about Great Barrington in the cold. She tugged at the cowl of the sweater, itchy in the warmth of the house.

“You’ll be happy for it later,” she told her reflection. Pulling the locket out from under her clothes, she decided to wear it openly. It looked lovely against the grey sweater. Perfect, in fact—even if it bit Charlie.

“They’re here,” Julietta called up the stairs. “Come on, Jo!”

Johanna blinked away the image of Charlie’s blood on her skin, stuck her tongue out at herself in the mirror and turned away. She trotted down the steps, her furry boots like excited little dogs underfoot. Nina and Gunner were already putting their coats on. Her oldest sister pulled the long, blond braid from the neck of her ski jacket. Flushed and smiling, she looked up at Gunner, laughing at whatever he had said before Johanna came down the stairs.

“What’s so funny?” she asked, slipping her own coat on.

“Going out in a minivan on New Year’s Eve,” Gunner answered. “I don’t know that I’ve ever been in one.”

“Oh, come on. There are a lot of minivan cabs in the city.”

“Yeah, but those are cabs.” Gunner tugged her braid. “I like your boots, Jo. What are they? Endangered albino gorilla?”

“They’re goat hair, smart ass, and a by-product of the meat industry, so unless you’ve gone vegetarian, I don’t want to hear it.”

“What? I said I liked them.”

“Stop teasing my sister.” Nina slapped his arm. “I’ve been known to go postal on anyone who does.”

“Like when I was in seventh grade and that girl, Ivy, was terrorizing me?” Johanna asked.

“Oh, wow. Yeah, Ivy. I forgot about her.”

“You can be sure she never forgot you. Or your right hook.”

“She deserved it.”

“We’re just lucky her parents didn’t sue.”

“Things were different then.”

“Johanna, Nina,” Julietta called from the kitchen. “Let’s go.”

They piled into Emma and Mike’s seven-seater, the only vehicle they could all get into. Emma volunteered to be designated driver, though warned her husband, on pain of torture and death, she would not be sympathetic with a hangover on New Year’s Day. Gunner and Nina, the tallest of them all, took the captain’s chairs in the middle. Johanna climbed into the back to sit between Julietta and Charlie. He put his arm around her.

“You squished?” he asked.

“A good kind of squished. It’s a short ride. How’s Will?”

Charlie grimaced. “He’s fine. I’m calling shenanigans. Seems as if there’s a big New Year’s party at his friend Brian’s house, and a certain young lady was hoping he’d be there.”

“So it wasn’t that he couldn’t stand being with his mom.”

“Highly doubtful. So, did I kiss you hello yet?”

Topic changed, just like that. Johanna smiled. “No, you’re neglecting me horribly.”

Charlie pulled her in closer, his kiss uninhibited by the crowded car. Johanna let what little sense of decorum she had slide away.

“Fer cryin’ out loud, you two.” Emma laughed from the driver’s seat. Johanna looked up to see her smiling in the rearview. Emma winked and Johanna blew her a kiss, but she didn’t dive back into Charlie the way she wanted to. Instead, she hooked her arm through Julietta’s.

“You have enough room?”

“I’m small. It’s fine.”

“Where are we meeting Efan?” Emma called back.

“He said to park at the school, lot A,” Julietta answered. “He’ll be waiting for us there. It’s not open to the public, but he got us a pass.”

“Awesome,” Mike hooted. “Preferred parking, no kids, just a bunch of friends having fun. This is great, isn’t it Emma?”

She leveled a glance her husband’s way, and backed out of the driveway. Nina swung her head around the side of her seat, eyebrows raised. Johanna grimaced and shook her head. The harder Mike tried to make her happy, the tighter Emma held on to her anger.

“You should talk to her,” Nina whispered.

“Me? Why me?”

“Because she thinks I’m perfect and can’t possibly understand what she’s going through.”

“I’m not sure how to take that.”

“The way it was meant.”

“What are you two whispering about,” Emma asked.

Talk to her
, Nina mouthed, and turned back in her seat. “We’re talking about you, obviously,” she said. “We think you should go blond again.”

All the girls laughed.

“My hair was like straw.”

“You had to practically shave your head.” Julietta snorted. “That was funny.”

“Funny for you guys,” Emma said. “It took forever to grow out again.”

* * * *

The fifteen-minute drive over the border into Massachusetts flew by on funny memories, laughter, and good-natured teasing. Even Emma joined in, her self-righteous anger, for now, set back to simmer. As they pulled into the parking lot of the school where Efan worked, Julietta tugged on Johanna’s arm.

“I’m going to ask Efan to drive me home,” she whispered.

“Oh, honey, you should have told me you were squooshed.”

“I’m not. I mean, I am, but—jeez, Johanna. You’re kind of dense.”

“I’m…oh.” She nudged her sister. “I gotcha.”

“Tell Nina and Emma, but don’t make it obvious.”

“Will do.”

“And when we get home, don’t tease me or I won’t be able to go through with it.”

“Jules.” Johanna jiggled her. “We’re not adolescents. And if you’re uncomfortable, why not just spend the night here with him?”

“He lives on campus. No overnight girlfriend stays allowed.”

“Ah, I see. That does put a damper on things. I’ll tell you what, you and Efan leave a little before us. Then you can get home and upstairs before anyone else gets home.”

“Okay.” Julietta hugged her tightly. Fiercely. “Thanks, Jo.”

“Hello, hello, my fine friends,” Efan called as he slid open the door. “And where is my bewitching lady?”

“I’m here!” Julietta darted forward, through the narrow aisle between captain’s chairs, and nearly fell face-first into the center console. Efan caught her, pulled her out of the car and into his arms.

“It’s good to know you are as anxious to see me as I am to see you.”

Julietta only buried her face in his shoulder. Efan reached into his pocket and pulled out a parking pass, handing it to Mike to put on the dash.

“Is everything all right, Julietta?”

“Fine. Wonderful. I’m fine.”

Johanna loved the way he always used her little sister’s full name, and the way he stressed the
tt
. It made her name sophisticated instead of diminutive, another plus in the Efan-column.

Charlie offered his hand, and Johanna stepped into the night as if she were stepping into a ballroom wearing glass slippers instead of goat-hair boots. The sky was the perfect midnight blue from a box of crayons, awash with the wealth of stars visible in the Berkshire Mountains. Already, music drifted from somewhere beyond the walls of the school. The distinct aroma of fried dough reached her nostrils. New Year’s Eve. With her sisters. With Charlie. Johanna could not remember spending a single New Year’s Eve with anyone but herself for company. Erstwhile relationships never lasted through Christmas, leaving her unwilling to try again until the spring, with yet another man who would not make it through the end of the year. It had never struck her as odd. She had never considered it at all.