See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (5 page)

There was no way to easily get by him and I couldn
’t let him touch me. He outweighed me by more than fifty pounds of muscle and moved fast from years of football practice. If I tried and failed, experience had already taught me he wouldn’t let me go without a fight.

From a few feet away, I detected the soured sweetness of beer on his breath. I scanned the alley with a quick glance. No one else was around that I could see, and if I shouted for help, it was unlikely anyone inside could hear us over the noise from the party upstairs.

A tightening in my throat made it difficult to draw in a breath for a second.
I didn’t know if he would stop from going farther this time. The side of the keychain pierced the pad of my fingertip, bringing me back to the present and reminding me that I wasn’t helpless. My whole body tensed in preparation. I had one chance to surprise him by hitting him hard and getting away. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s victim again.

“
I just want to say hello. What’s so wrong with that?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he lunged for me with arms outstretched.

Ready for him, I dropped down low, evading his hands, and jammed the keychain into his exposed ribcage. He bent over with a pained bellow, holding his side. I used his off-balance stance to my advantage and knocked him over. He slammed into the
Dumpster face-first and then crumpled to the dirty asphalt on his hands and knees. I took off at a sprint.

I slowed down to a jog halfway down the end of the alley, and looked over my shoulder to make absolutely sure he wasn
’t chasing me. He sat slumped over on the ground, right where I left him. Good. I fucking hoped it hurt, too.

“
What was that for?” he yelled, scarlet red blood dripping from his nose.

What did he think it was for? Another little misunderstanding?

I turned and almost ran into Ash. Literally. He was standing right in the middle of the empty alleyway, only a few feet away. The air in my lungs evaporated as I tripped over my feet to avoid crashing into him. My keys flew out of my hand and jangled loudly as they landed.

He caught me before I hit the ground and held me close to his lean chest.
Instinctively, I wrapped myself around him. The rapid beat of his heart drummed in my ear. He took in a deep, uneven breath. He must have seen me running away from Trevor, and come running himself.

I allowed myself one single moment to melt into him. To sink into the feel of his embrace. And then reality reminded me he wasn
’t mine to hold. Not anymore. I slid my hands down his back and then pushed away from him. I didn’t trust myself to let go if I didn’t do it immediately. He stiffened at my movement. I twisted out of his arms, feeling like I was tearing myself in half, and crouched down to pick up my keys. He knelt next to me.

“
You’re really here,” he said, and I finally met his eyes.

My heart plu
nged when I saw the desperation in his gaze. He leaned forward on one knee, sweeping his hands over my shoulders, over my arms, like he was trying to make sure I was real, that I wouldn’t vanish like a puff of smoke in front of his eyes.

Trevor groaned from down the alley. Ash
’s eyes moved away from me and his face hardened as he stood up. “Did he hurt you?”

All I could do was stare at him.

“Katie,” he said, balling his hands into fists. “Did he touch you again?”

I stood up straight.
“I’m fine.”

When I was sixteen years old, boys started fighting over me. It wasn’t nearly as romantic as it sounds…

“
So what’s your latest masterpiece?” I asked Ash.

He carried a rolled-up canvas while we walked together through the crowded hallway toward the double exit doors. Small groups of kids hugged the walls while everyone else flowed out the exit.

It drove me crazy that he rarely showed me any of his artwork, but I tried not to make a big production out of it. It was his thing, his secret. Everyone deserves their secrets, if only to have something to call their own. It didn’t mean I couldn’t tease him about it, though.

He just smiled, his lips tilting slightly at the corners. The Mona Lisa had nothing on him, which was a shame. He had a beautiful smile when he stopped being so serious all the time. This cute dimple would even appear.

“Don’t worry about it.” He rolled the canvas up tighter.

Deepening my voice, I mocked,
“Don’t worry about it, little lady. This is manly, important artist work, not the stuff for delicate flowers such as yourself.”

He raised his brows.
“When have you ever acted like a delicate flower?”

I fluttered my eyelashes and raised the back of my hand to my forehead, pretending to swoon. The complete picture of helplessness. His smile grew a little. Oh, no, that wasn
’t enough. I had to see that damn dimple.

It was the last day before fall break, and everyone was eager to get out of the building. With a whole week of nothing planned, including a double helping of absolutely nothing on Thanksgiving Day, I wasn
’t in a hurry to get started.

Ash’s
parents were forcing him to spend the holiday in Colorado to go skiing. He deserved to have something to smile about before he left. Still intensely withdrawn, most days he didn’t talk to anyone besides his teachers and me. Another reason I devoted myself to teasing him at every opportunity.

I darted in front of him and tried to playfully snatch the canvas out of his hands.
“Come on, give it over!”

He held it over my head by a couple of feet, using his height to shameless advantage. I wasn
’t short, he was too tall.

“
And let you know all my secrets?” A hint of a shadow appeared on his cheek. He lifted the painting higher and out of my reach.

I bounced up and made another pointless grab.
“Is it a treasure map? Did you find the lost gold of the Edmund Fitzgerald?”

Wait, how the hell did I know about the Edmund Fitzgerald? Damn you, Wikipedia. Stop filling my head with useless information.

“You are a total brat.” He bopped me on the head with the painting, punctuating each word. An amused smile spread across his face, complete with one deep dimple.

His smile was perfect. He was perfect, even if he did take the brooding, temperamental artist stereotype too far.

“I know.” I reached up on impulse and patted his face. “But you love me anyway.”

Ash startled and caught my hand against his face. He was okay if he touched me, but was uncomfortable if I touched him. There was an unspoken boundary between us, and I thoughtlessly kept crossing it again and again. Stupid lack of self-control.

His smile died as his hazel eyes went unfocused, the way they did when he concentrated on a difficult problem. It wasn’t fair that he had such long lashes. But then, lots of things weren’t fair.

A pocket of cold air carried with it a whiff of expensive cologne. Over Ash
’s shoulder, Trevor McCallum’s smug gaze bored into me. My shoulders hunched against my will. I pulled my hand away from Ash’s face and back down to my side. He shook his head as his usual somber expression returned. The slamming of lockers around us became too loud and irritating.

“
I need to go ask Mr. Samson about the upcoming unit in pre-calc,” Ash said abruptly.

He disappeared into the crowd to go talk to the balding math teacher at the end of the hall. I could
’ve told him anything he wanted to know—I finished that unit weeks ago out of sheer boredom. I considered following him, but obviously he didn’t want to be around me right now. Besides, I needed to go to my locker and grab some books. Trevor wouldn’t try anything with everyone around.

He
’d asked me out when school started. I assumed it was a joke and turned him down flat, which hadn’t been difficult since every word out of his mouth subtracted exponentially from any of his potential appeal. I guess he was cute, in a pseudo-Greek god kind of way.

And th
en my refusal backfired spectacularly. Since the beginning of the school year, he’d found ways to corner me alone and try to convince me to change my mind. Touching me, grabbing me, never listening to my words, stopping short of physically overpowering me but always getting closer. If I showed a reaction, he’d take it as encouragement I was asking for more. He got off on the struggle. Trevor didn’t take rejection well. I doubted he’d ever been told no in his whole life.

I was standing in front of my locker with a hand on the lock when muscular, tanned arms wrapped around me, holding my arms pinned to my sides. I completely froze
like a timid little rabbit. The astringent scent of his cologne singed my nose. Okay, so he would try something with everyone around.

“
What do we have here? My favorite little freak,” he said. “Have I told you today how good you look?”

“
Fuck off.” The initial shock died, and I squirmed in an effort to get away.

He pulled me closer, and ground his groin into my butt.

Furious heat flushed down my face to my neck. “Stop it.”

“
You know you love it,” he whispered in my ear, his moist breath causing me to fight off a cringe of disgust.

I gritted my teeth. I could take the gossip Trevor spread about my supposed sexual skills. I heard I was
fantastic
, by the way. My mother would be so proud. And luckily, people paid even less attention to me as a rumored slut than they did before. But public humiliation took it too far. I couldn’t do a thing about it, because no one else saw a problem.

Kids walked by, giving him grins and thumbs-up signs. One of his buddies came by and held out a closed fist. Trevor
crushed his arm across my chest, and reached out to fist bump with his free arm. The principal had already suggested I might be overreacting when I complained. Maybe it really wasn’t a big deal, and all the rising hysteria I felt wasn’t real, either.

Trevor
’s bare forearm rested on my breasts, his fingers clawing into the tender skin of my upper arm. A cold sweat broke out. I didn’t want his arm to be there, I didn’t want him to be touching me. But it wasn’t like anything I said made a difference. He’d quit when he decided he was done playing with me.

Frantic,
I tried to twist free, but I couldn’t match his strength. He brought his other arm around my chest and nuzzled my ear with an easy affection he hadn’t earned. His lips were clammy on my earlobe. I couldn’t hold back a shudder this time. I glanced over to where Ash stood talking to Mr. Samson but lost sight of him when a group of kids walked by.

“
Where’s lover boy? He should see what you’re really like,” Trevor said in my ear. “If he hasn’t already.”

My stomach dropped. I hadn
’t imagined it. He had watched my pathetic attempt at flirting with Ash. And this was my punishment.

“
Let her go.” Ash pushed through the kids surrounding us. He clenched his jaw, angrier than I’d ever seen. Taller than Trevor but whipcord thin, Ash’s body was coiled tight.

“
Why?” Trevor rubbed his arm all over my chest. “You don’t want her, so why can’t I have a turn?”

“
Hey!” I snapped. “I’m not a toy. No one’s getting a turn.”

Ash took a step closer
, widening his stance. This wasn’t good. Trevor laughed and released me with a big flourish, like he was performing some grand magic trick. I smoothed the front of my favorite vintage t-shirt, the baggy fabric another useless defense. Ash stared Trevor down, his face still dangerously dark. I walked over to Ash’s side.

“
It’s okay,” I said under my breath. “Let’s just get out of here.”

Some of the anger cleared from his face when he glanced at my face. He started to turn away when Trevor
’s voice rang out above all the noise in the hallway.

“
It’s not my fault she has the body of a stripper under those ratty clothes she wears,” Trevor taunted. “Maybe when she’s finished swinging from your pole, she can swing from mine.”

Ash whipped around and pushed Trevor hard in the chest. Caught off
-guard, Trevor tripped over his feet, landing on his ass. Kids screamed with laughter. He shot up to his feet with a fist pulled back. Ash raised his arms, as if to say,
come on
.

I didn
’t stop to think. I never do. I leaped in between them, brave until Trevor’s fist landed on my face. Pain exploded from my temple. I bit back a surprised cry of pain as I collapsed against my locker. Instantly, Ash shielded me with his body so no one could see my reaction. His hands went toward my face.

“
Fuck!” Trevor said. The asshole actually sounded upset. “I didn’t mean to—”

“
What is going on?” Mr. Samson squeezed through the crowd, his reedy voice scarcely registering over the noise.

Slowly,
Ash lowered his hands and moved to my side, facing the math teacher. Mr. Samson wore a slight sneer of disgust as he regarded me. I pushed myself off the locker and stood up as tall as I could. There had been a shift in the way the teachers treated me once the rumors started flying. Some lowered their expectations, others brushed off my questions. Mr. Samson had stopped offering me challenging problems for extra credit months ago. And here I was with two boys fighting over me. Every girl’s dream.

“
Nothing, they were just wrestling,” I said.

Trevor added ever so helpfully.
“Yeah, we were just playing around, weren’t we?”

“
You’re holding your eye, Katie,” Mr. Samson said in that tone people take when they know you’re full of shit. “Something happened.”

“
I got in the way and caught a flying elbow.” With a wave of my hand, I gestured into the air nonchalantly. Oh, how clumsy of me. “I’m fine.”

That
’s usually what people want to hear. Fine. No big deal. Don’t worry about it. They’ve done their part and can go about their business feeling like they’ve made the effort and it was enough. I raised my chin, challenging him to prove my assumptions about human nature wrong. Mr. Samson’s gaze slid from mine.

He looked over the group of students gathered around us.
“Anyone have a different version of events?”

Shoes scuffed on the floor. A guy behind Mr. Samson snickered. No one wanted to be the person to tattle on Trevor. It was social suicide.

Ash moved forward as if he wanted to say something, but I dug my fingers into his wrist in warning. I pleaded to him silently,
Please, don’t
. He had the most to lose if he said something. He measured me with his gaze, and then subtly shook his arm free from my fingers before turning to face the math teacher.

“
It was an accident, sir,” Ash said in that flat, impersonal tone he used with almost everyone he didn’t like. “It won’t happen again.”

Mr. Samson sighed
and took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “Katie, at least come to the office with me and see the nurse for an ice pack. And you two—” Putting his glass back on his nose, he studied Ash and Trevor, and hesitated as Trevor grinned good-naturedly, while Ash’s face was set in stone. “I don’t want to see you two hanging around when I return.”

Trevor mouthed a
thank-you in my direction. I flipped him off with my hand behind my back as I followed Mr. Samson down the hall. The lingering crowd of kids laughed. Mr. Samson didn’t bother to turn around to check it out.

Thirty minutes later, the halls were empty when I finally walked out the doors. I winced as I pressed the ice pack to my eye to wring out the last bit of coolness left. The whole side of my face throbbed
with blunted pain. A career in underground cage fighting definitely wasn’t in my future now.

I cut across the
dry brown grass to the parking lot. Ash came out from around the side of the school, his face guarded. His eyes searched my face, and his mouth flattened as he zeroed in on the blossoming bruise. It wasn’t hard to guess what he was going to ask next.

“
It’s okay.” I tossed the ice pack into a nearby trash can. “And I’m fine.”

He took a deep breath.
“Just for once, don’t lie. You can lie to everybody else if you want, but not to me.”

I never meant to lie to him. I only did it because lying was as natural as breathing to me.

“My face hurts like hell.” I attempted a grin to reassure him, but it hurt too much to accomplish more than a rueful smile. “But good news, I think I’ll live.”