See Through Me (Lose My Senses) (19 page)

I rose up and
put my hands on his shoulders, kissing the line of his jaw. “In Britain, when sailors would return from voyages, they would get tattoos of swallows to mark how far they had traveled. It’s around five thousand miles for each bird.”

He slipped a hand between our bodies, and I felt the tip of his cock penetrating my opening. So close.
“And how far did you go?”

“
Too far,” I admitted, shocking even myself. “I shouldn’t have ran away.”

The earlier despondency crept onto his face. We
’d been careful to avoid talking about anything related to last summer. But just like our scars, it was always there.

I made a decision and sank down on
over him, letting him bury himself to the hilt in my body. I exhaled slowly, it felt too good. Tonight it was about him and what he needed, not about my selfish decisions. He dropped his head back on the headboard, his eyes closed. I lived to see that blissed-out expression, knowing I could make him feel that way. That I could help him forget.

I leaned down, with the intention of kissing him, but he captured my face in his hands and kissed me first. Every touch of his lips and fingers was heartbreakingly tender, reminding me of our first kiss on the beach last summer.

Startled, I pulled away. He wasn’t treating this like a middle-of-the-night-distraction quickie. “What are you doing?”

“
I want to remember you just the way you are right now.” He swept his hands lower. “How you taste.”

He held onto my hips and encouraged me to ride him in an easy rhythm. It was all so torturously slow and perfect at the same time. He reclaimed my mouth for another honey
-sweet kiss.

“
I want to remember how you feel,” he said against my lips.

I glided my smooth cheek across his. I wanted to do the same, too.
“Because I’m leaving soon.”

“
No.” He gripped my hips. “Because I’m planning on always remembering you.”

My breath quickened as I stared down at him. That heart-stopping serious expression had returned. He meant what he said.

He lifted up a little, and my inner muscles clenched around him. A glazed look entered his eyes. The taut ropes of muscles in his shoulders corded under my hands. His hands urged me to move faster. I didn’t require much persuasion, the friction was addictive. And this part I understood. This was sex. Everything was simpler when I could pretend I was the only one telling the truth with my body. It didn’t frighten me with promises I didn’t know if we could keep. Yet.

Our movements became more entangled and frenzied. His fingers raked over the skin of my lower back. I reached up and yanked his hair. Love bites stung my neck. His muscles began to shake and I knew he was ready. But the force of my own orgasm took me by surprise, and I let out a small shriek. His hands were in my hair and he kissed me as I screamed out my release into his mouth. His body convulsed, quaking with his own orgasm.

I collapsed on him, limp and breathless, laying my head on his shoulder. His hands trailed a path up and down the line of my spine. The rapid beat of his heart pounded all the way through into my chest. Drowsiness spread as my muscles softened. I could fall asleep like this.

He jolted forward.
“Shit.”

“
What?” I sat up, off-balance.

He pushed me gently off his lap and pulled out. Fluid smeared my inner thighs. We
’d forgotten to use a condom.

“
Oh,” I said with a yawn. “It’s no big deal, I’m already on birth control pills.”

Wordlessly, Ash climbed off the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. Curious, I watched him go. Light glared out of the doorway and the sound of water running came from the room. He then came out with a wet washcloth in his hand. He knelt on the bed near where I sat, reaching over with the cloth.

I tried to snatch it out of his hands. “Thanks, but I can do it.”

“
Shut up and just let me take care of you.” He swept the warm terrycloth over my skin. “I’m the one who made the mess.”

I
wriggled under his ministrations. Every square inch of my skin had to be glowing scarlet.

He chuckled.
“You’ll pull my hair, but cleaning you up afterward freaks you out?”

I laughed with him. My reaction was a tad ridiculous. If I was perfectly truthful, this was nice. Weird, but nice.

“Just so you know—” He tossed the washcloth over to the laundry basket by the bathroom door. “I had a physical before I came back, and I’m healthy.”

“
That’s good.” The serious way he said it worried me. Had something happened to make him concerned that there was a chance he wasn’t completely healthy? Had he been sick?

“
And I’m assuming you were checked out when you started the birth control pills, right?”

Now I got his meaning. He was fishing for my sexual history. A fresh wave of regret washed over me. Last summer I
’d made it sound like he was just going to be the first of many.

“
I’m on the pills because they help control the migraines. And there’s no chance I have any STDs.” My words tumbled out in a rush. “I haven’t slept with anyone else. Since last summer. Since you.” I scooted to the edge of the bed. I wasn’t running away, I was exiting the situation with what little dignity I possessed. “I’m going to take a—”

“Calm down
,” he said, apparently unperturbed by my babbling. He snaked an arm around my waist, bringing me up against him, and we lay back in the middle of the bed. He spooned me from behind, tucking my head under his jaw. “I was trying to make sure we were protected.”

“
There really hasn’t been anyone else.” I hadn’t even attempted to see if there could be anyone else. “I’m not lying.”

“
I know.”

My body relaxed into his. I
tugged the bedding over us. He’d called me out on my lies often enough. He believed me, which meant he was starting to possibly trust me, too.

He tensed.
“Would you believe me if I said the same thing? That there hasn’t been anyone else for me, either?”

I went just as still and quiet. My fractured heart started to come back together. He truly hadn
’t left me behind like I’d thought he would. “Yes, but—”

“
But what?” A note of doubt trickled into his voice.

“
I didn’t expect you to wait for me.”

His arms hugged me closer in a vi
se grip. “You should have.”

Yes
, I agreed silently.
I should have
.

Tuesday

The drive to Sandusky took a little over an hour on the highway. After the exit, we were stuck in traffic, unusual for an early Tuesday afternoon. On the back road leading to the entrance of Cedar Point, a long line of cars ahead of us inched forward. I hung my bare feet out the passenger window of Ash
’s car as we waited to make it into the parking lot, and rummaged through my bag.

“
You’re awfully attached to that bag,” he said. “You carry it everywhere with you.”

“
It has my whole life in it.” I picked up a silver multi-tool, and flipped open a small blade. “For instance, a knife in case I have to defend myself.”

“
Did that ever happen?” His eyebrows snapped together as he glared at me. “From who?”

This was why my constant flippancy got me into trouble every time. I shouldn
’t have even said anything. And I knew better than to waste time prying open a dinky blade if someone attacked me. He’d freak if I told him that, though.

“
From ninjas.” I made stabbing motions in the air. “And the occasional pirate.”

His face relaxed but he still seemed a little concerned. Through his window, Lake Erie sparkled as it reflected the clear sky. A flock of seagulls swooped around each other in a chaotic dance toward the sun.

Over the center console, I whispered, “By the way, the movies lie. Pirates are not that attractive up close. That whole lack of basic hygiene is a real turn-off of mine.”

He laughed, a deep ringing sound. I had missed this. Making him laugh. Being together. All of it. The beloved dimple showed up as he grinned at me.

“Since you’re so concerned about my hand-to-hand combat skills…” I held up the so-called knife, flipping open more of the tools. “It’s really a multi-tool. I think it even has a corkscrew in case I want to open a nice Chardonnay to go with my fancy dinner of the good ramen.”

“
I didn’t know there was such a thing as good and bad ramen.”

I dropped the multi-tool back in my bag.
“Oh, rich boy. The things I could teach you, like living only on your wits and the change you found under the couch cushions.”

My shoulders lifted into a wince. He
’d figure out what I meant since he knew I’d spent the last year living out of my truck with a fat bank account. Keeping things secret from him was rapidly becoming a more impossible task with every conversation. It was pathetic I kept attempting it, and I wasn’t quite sure why I kept trying other than instinctual habit.

“
My parents aren’t rich, they just think they are. And I’m not exactly rich.” He frowned. “Change in your couch?” The eyebrows drew back together. “You had to live on nothing when your dad would take off, didn’t you?”

I dug through the contents of my bag, even though I didn
’t even know precisely what I was looking for at the moment. Probably a way out of the turn in the conversation.

He reached out over the console to cover my restless hand with his.
“He left you without a way to contact him and no
food
? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Paper Route
’s “You Kill Me” played on the stereo, and I wiggled around uncomfortably in my seat. I didn’t tell him a lot of things because I wanted the fantasy that it was all okay and I was doing fine all on my own. That I wasn’t hungry or scared. Plus, I could easily have seen him sneaking food from his own pantry and hoarding his allowance. My slight pride would have died a slow death.

“
Occasionally. But it wasn’t a big deal.” I tugged my hand free to rake through the contents of my bag again. “Sometimes he would give me ridiculous amounts of cash out of the blue. Not as much as when I graduated, but a couple hundred here and there. It wasn’t all bad, even if he was worthless as a parent.”

He let out a rumbling sigh, but didn
’t push it any farther. The whole point of escaping to Cedar Point was to avoid thinking about my father. Especially the phone conversation from last night.

Messing around in my bag had uncovered a purple plastic bottle of bubbles. I picked it out of the jumble and unscrewed the cap. I tapped the excess soapy liquid off and brought the wand up to my lips.

“Was it everything you wanted?” Ash asked.

“
What?” I blew into the cheap plastic ring. The car started to gain some speed as the line moved forward.

“
Going off and having an adventure.”

“
Yes.” A wavering bubble lifted off the end of the wand. It floated off in front of him and then out his window. “And no.”

“
That’s not an answer.”

“
I liked all the volunteering I did. I liked going off and exploring wherever I was at the moment, and the freedom of it all.” I turned my head to gaze out my window. A seagull broke away from the swirling flock and dived downward, pulling up before he hit the water. “But sometimes I was lonely.”

I rattled the wand around in the bottle. Actually, I had made it a point to be lonely the whole time, keeping everyone at a distance. I didn
’t know any other way to be.

He hesitated beside me.
“Can I ask another question?”

My stomach rolled with guilt. He shouldn
’t have felt like he had to ask. The arched metal gates to the amusement park were within sight through the windshield.

“
Sure, you don’t need my permission.” I took the wand out of the bubbles.

Ash turned down the music.
“Why didn’t you at least contact me to let me know you were okay? You knew I wasn’t going to change my phone number immediately.”

The wand quivered in my hand, but he had the right to ask these questions. And I needed to learn how to answer them.
“I thought it would be easier for you that way.”

“
Easier?” he said in a careful voice, but I heard the veiled frustration. “You thought it would be easier for me? That I would just forget about you? Why would you think I would—that I
could
forget you?”

Right before the gates, the car moved at a steady speed. I dropped the wand back into the bottle and twisted the cap back on. Out of the corner of my eye, I peeked over to him. The white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel contradicted the composed look on his face.

But I couldn’t back out of being honest now. He was just beginning to trust me. I drew my legs in from the window, waiting to answer him until I was sure my voice would remain even.

“
Because that’s what people do,” I softly said.

He inhaled a breath and released it.
“When are you going to understand that I’m not like them?”

“
I don’t know. I think I might need to spend more time with you to start getting it right.” I snuck another glance.

“
Really?” His eyes focused on the road, but his small smile gave me hope. “How long?”

“
I was thinking longer than a week.” Fidgeting, I put my bag on the floor and then tucked my feet under me. “Maybe the rest of the summer?”

The car in front of us stopped short. Ash slammed on the brakes, and protectively shot out an arm in front of me.
“Are you serious?”

“
Yes. But don’t push too hard, okay? I’m still feeling a little…” I rubbed the tattoo with my thumb. “Lost.”

In the sense that the more time I spent with him, the more secure I felt. And I didn
’t navigate “secure” with confidence. Our relationship might not feel very fleeting, but it hadn’t last summer, either—at first. When that script played out to its end, we both spent a year miserable. But even if I didn’t have any idea how this was going to work, I had to give myself a chance to try to see where it went without sabotaging it first because of fear or regret.

We passed under the gates into the huge parking lot. Ash veered off from the line of cars to pull over in the deserted no-man
’s-land area where no one parked unless they enjoyed walking a half mile before getting to the ticket counter. He shut off the engine and unbuckled his seatbelt.

“
You want to spend the summer with me?” His quiet smile grew into a winsome, boyish grin.

I nodded, feeling shy.
             

He set his head back against the headrest.
“Come over here.”

“
Why?” I raised my eyebrows at his bossy tone.

“
Just come here.” He crooked a finger. “I think you owe me an extra kiss since we were interrupted last night.”

I had been going to do more than that before my father
’s call, but sure, we could call it “kissing.” Through the windows, delighted screams from rides within the park mixed with the shrieking of the seagulls overhead. I clambered over to his side and the hem of my pink twill shorts caught on the gear shift. As I unhooked it, my elbow hit a button on the console.

“
You have arrived at your destination: One Cedar Point Road, Sandusky, Ohio,” announced a pleasant female voice.

“
It shouldn’t have done that.” He reached over my crawling limbs and hit another button with a frown. “I canceled that service.”

“
Guess not.” I finished my journey across the compartment to him and sat on his lap. “I’m here as you commanded.”

“
What made you change your mind about leaving after this weekend?”

“
You.” I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“
Yeah?” He watched me with shining hazel eyes. “How?”

A magnetic sense of belonging somewhere, with someone, filled me.

“By being you.” I pressed my lips to the angle of his jaw. “That’s all I needed.”

“
Did you know—” He ran his hands up my arms. “I was planning to spend Sunday begging you to stay with me. On my knees and everything. I wanted to give you time before I said anything so you wouldn’t feel pressured.”

“
I needed to figure it out all by myself first.” I traveled closer to his mouth. “So I’d know this was real.”

“
It was always real.”

There it was again, that change in the rhythm of his breathing on my lips. Whether it was from his words or my efforts, I no longer cared. The emotions behind both were all one and the same.

* * *

I laced up my battered running shoes and climbed out of the car. We had come to the conclusion that however fun it was making out in a parked car, we would have to either find somewhere more private if we went any further or actually do what we drove an hour to do.

Perspiration filmed my skin as heat waved off the black asphalt. Ash came around from the car and took my hand. We walked across the massive parking lot and entered the park to the main concourse. Crowds of people were everywhere, in all shapes, sizes, and shades of developing sunburns.

“
What do you want to do first?” Above Ash’s head, candy-colored cable cars threaded their way back and forth through the length of the sky.

I bounced on my toes.
“What do you think?”

He took off running. The bastard didn
’t even count down. His legs were six inches longer than mine, easy, and now he had a head start on top of it.

“
Cheater!” I yelled, earning a dirty look from a passing couple in identical souvenir t-shirts.

He slowed down to a jog, and checked over his shoulder to see if I was racing. That was my cue.

I sprinted to where he waited, and then kept going, never slowing down. He chased me all the way through the park to the Gemini, the roller coaster that had been our summertime ritual even longer than watching summer storms together. At the last second, when the coaster’s sign came into view, he pulled ahead, and tapped the entrance gate. He reeled around with a triumphant whoop and then leaned back on the rough-hewn wood of the fence.

“
What took you so long?” he said.

I glared as I stretched my arms over my head.
“You totally let me think I had a chance of winning this time, you jerk.”

“
It’d piss you off more if I let you beat me on purpose.” He used his t-shirt to wipe his face, exposing his washboard stomach.

A grudging smile tugged at my mouth. That was true. And the knowledge I
’d made him work hard for it soothed my sore loser’s soul.

A whiff of hot oil and salty goodness passed through the air from a nearby French
fry stand. Past the maze of fencing came the sounds of cheering. The red roller-coaster train entered the platform, followed immediately by the blue train. One of the older roller coasters in the park, the Gemini ran two trains side by side on twin tracks, and one train randomly “won” by coming into the platform first. It was also the arbiter of our roller coaster fate.