Secrets of the Prairie (14 page)

“Some kind of friend,” Lady Georgiana said. "Next thing you know, you will be disguised as a pageboy just to meet him!"

I laughed at her, thinking of the ridiculousness of the idea. But the idea stood in my head.

***

I went to Lord Augustus’s house the next day. His home was quite large, but it was not as large as Lord William’s mansion had been. Large black gates stood in front, hiding the house from me. Lord Augustus was standing outside the gate, looking stunning as usual. I had chosen a large hat to cover my face again. This hat was decorated with beautiful ribbons that matched my light blue day dress.  “Hello, darling,” he said. I pulled my hat slightly off my face.

“What are we doing here?” I said.

“I only want to read you more poetry,” he said.

“And kiss me,” I said. I tried to be serious, but could not help but smile as I looked at him.

I saw two people walk past us. They glanced in my direction. I pulled the hat to angle it so it hid me from them. I looked around. Suddenly, a bad feeling swept over me. “Somebody will see us,” I said nervously. “This is an awful idea.”

I started to walk away. Lord Augustus called after me. “Come back to me,” he said. I started walking faster. I could just walk away now and the whole thing would have never happened.

Lord Augustus walked next to me. “Let us go to the Vauxhall Gardens again,” he said.

I shook my head. “I do not want to be seen by the crowds.”

“Let me take you somewhere. Maybe the bookshop? I would like to show you a beautiful book of poetry.”

“Not today,” I said. I walked away, leaving him behind. “Not today, Augustus,” I repeated. As I walked home, I expected Lord Augustus to follow me. But he did not. He stood behind me. I could feel his body against me in the background. I thought of turning around and going back to him, but I did not.

***

For the next few weeks, life went on as normal. I could not help but remember Lord Augustus and the events that went on between us. Moments of us kissing and him reading poetry flashed through me. I thought about him each and every day and wondered what he was doing and if he was writing poetry because of me.

I snuck in to my father’s closet one day and stole a couple of his items. I laid the items against his bed. I pulled dark pants over myself. I dressed myself like a man hiding my body.

It would be so easy, I thought. Just do it and it will be over with. I looked at myself in the mirror from head to toe. It was a pretty good disguise. I looked just like a pageboy. You could not tell it was me and I looked like someone who was ready to work.

I snuck out of my house and went over to Lord Augustus’s place. Was it the wedding being off that made me act like this? I didn’t know, but the thrill of it excited me. Instead of feeling nervous, I felt a feeling of romantic love. I could feel soft butterflies in my stomach and my heart beat faster. Nobody would recognize me in this outfit. It was safe for us to be together like this.

I walked in to the Lord Augustus’s house and acted like a true pageboy. I was a servant and a messenger. Nobody even questioned me as I walked about from room to room. They seemed to think everything was perfectly normal. It was easy, I thought. Nobody noticed a thing.

I saw Lord Augustus in the kitchen. I went up to him, briskly. I almost started talking to him as normal, but then realized he did not know it was me. He started to treat me like a normal pageboy. I acted like I was delivering a message to him. “It is me, Augustus!” I whispered.

He stood there in shock and then looked at me more closely.

“
Dear, you have made me lose my breath
Thy must be some kind of test
Your love sweeps over me
You have made me wild and free.”

“Yes, it is me,” I said. “I see you have not lost your touch for poetry.”

“A disguise?” he said, talking normally. He looked concerned at first, but then let it out a smile. “You are as bad as me!”

“Yes, your love has made me act like I am in a circus, I guess,” I said.

“A circus is not always such a bad thing. Come here,” he said. He led me in to a room that was off to the corner. Inside it, there was a fairly large bed with sheets made and two pillows. There was a drawer and small window looking outside.

Without hesitation, he drew me on the bed and started kissing me. I kissed him back. I hesitated for a second, but then we kissed for several minutes.

He started to pull off my clothes. Beneath my pageboy costume, I had on a corset from my dress earlier. My corset had lavish white lace around it. He unlaced my corset slowly and drew me on the bed. I let out a breath. I felt the blood move throughout my body. As he kissed my mouth and neck, I rolled my neck against the fancy cushions. I looked at the ceiling and saw the lights above the bed twinkle.

In the morning, I was curled up in his covers. I saw a cup of tea by the table. I did not know where he was. I realized this was the guest room and not the main room. As I rolled out of bed, I put on my pageboy outfit. I felt guilt pass through me and thought I would just leave as quickly as possible and hope nobody noticed me. Lord Augustus came on. “Good morning, love,” he said.

I did not feel romantic this morning. “How do I leave, dear?”

He did not hesitate to tell me and showed me how to leave out the back door. “We shall meet again? Come by tomorrow?”

***

We continued on like this for weeks. I disguised myself in hats when we went out to the gardens or out on the town. If I wanted to go to his house, I disguised myself as a pageboy and snuck in to the guestroom. Weeks turned in to months as I was over swept with passion.

I even met his children at breakfast one day with him. I was disguised as a pageboy, but I got to know each of their names and talked with each of them a little. I watched Lord Augustus in his role as father and watched his gentle tenderness as he cared for each kid.

I thought of Lord William for a second. I had not thought of him in a while, but I had a sudden flash of him.
Was this how he felt? Was I just like him?
No, I was even worse, I thought. Lord Augustus was already married!

"I do not think this will work out," I told Augustus, several times.

"How could you leave me now?” he said and would read me poetry.

"My love, we will meet again

I would be heartbroken if were just friends."

I could not help but be seduced by his poetry. The romantic words and lines just got to me and I was curious for him to write me more.

"Meet me at our bookshop,” he told me one day. “The one we saw each other in.”

“I will meet you there, Lord Augustus,” I said. “And you will find me a book of poetry that you will read to me.”

“I have the perfect one,” he said.

***

I met him at the bookshop the next day. I stood outside of the bookshop wearing a white day dress and straw hat. My brown hair was down in curls. “You look beautiful,” Lord Augustus said as he approached me.

He took my hand and we walked inside. We leafed through books together. He pulled out a book of poetry. “This is the one I wanted to show you.” He opened the book and started to read the words out loud.

“
What is it to grow old?

Is it to lose the glory of the form,

The luster of the eye?

Is it for beauty to forego her wreath?

Is it to feel our strength,

Not our bloom only, but our strength decay?”

I saw a woman approach us. She had on an elegant pink dress. She did not look happy to see us. Her look was one of intense anger as her eyebrows tensed and her face started to get red. Lord Augustus started to look pale and extremely worried. Suddenly, I realized, this was no stranger. This was Lord Augustus’s own wife.

“Lady Frances!” Lord Augustus cried.

Unlike my stage of shock and crying I felt with Lord William, Lady Frances showed only anger. She picked up a couple books from the bookshelf and threw a book aimed at Lord Augustus’s head. She did not stop there. She took the other book and threw it at me, yelling. The book missed me and fell down to the floor. I was about to pick up a book to defend myself, or even throw a book back, but I didn’t. I just stood there for a second, wondering what to do and where to go. I knew this would happen one day. Why did I not let it stop sooner?

“Us, you ruined us!” she yelled. “Almost ten years of marriage! It is all gone now, wasted on this whore.” She looked at me briefly, a state of anger.

"It is my fault," I said. "This is all my fault!" Maybe things would work out.

“This woman is a whore,” she continued. “She has had this type of an affair with other men!”

“I have not!” I yelled, starting to get angry. She must have been referring to my wedding. It was not me who had the affair, she must have been confused.

“She is just a whore,” Lady Frances said. “Nothing good, but a whore is all she is.”

I could not help myself as I started to pick up a book to aim at her. Lord Augustus held my hand down and stopped me. “Now do not go doing that,” he said. I drew the book anyway. She got out of the way right before it hit her.

“Listen, it has been hard on us over the years anyway,” he said now addressing his wife.

The bookshop owner, an older man, walked over to us. He was angry with all of us. “What is it you are doing to my store?” he said, yelling and getting angry. He fiercely picked up books that were on the floor. “You are ruining my bookshop, causing a scene. Take this nonsense elsewhere!”

I started walking briskly toward the door. I was the first to leave. Lord Augustus and Lady Frances followed after me, but they were yelling and talking. I looked behind me. What now? I did not want to anger Lady Frances anymore and did not want to get involved in their fight about their relationship.

I noticed crowds started to gather around us as they noticed Lord Augustus and Lady Frances yelling. I did not want to be part of this scene. The town would surely hear about the whole thing tomorrow. My reputation would have been ruined twice. I decided to just leave and make a run for it. I walked away, lightly running with my feet, and did not turn behind me to wonder if anybody saw me leave.

***

I lay in bed that night. I wondered what had happened with Lord Augustus. I tried not to think of it, but I kept replaying the events over and over. I thought of our affair and the good moments we had. Then I thought of the bookshop and how angry his wife had been and how he talked to her like he knew her for years. The affair had happened quickly as passion swept over me and now it had stopped so suddenly, like a knife cutting in to us.

The next day, I walked to the Carlton House. I walked outside, remembering the events of the night. I sat down on our bench. I thought of the Waltz and how we danced as he held me softly. I expected to see him appear, like he did in the bookshop the first time we saw each other. An hour went by and he never showed up. I left, thinking the whole thing was ruined.

At dinner, I sat down to eat with my family. I started to head back to my room for bed, when I saw my father talking to someone by the door. He called me over. There standing at the door was Lord Augustus, here to rescue me.

“Lord Augustus!” I said, as I walked over to him. My father had a stern look on his face. I started to walk outside with him. “I didn’t think you would show up here.”

“I just wanted to say goodbye,” he said.

“Goodbye?” I said. There were tears in my eyes.

“Yes, goodbye,” he said. “I know it is hard and we had a lovely time. I will never forget you and the love you made me feel. I will see you in my dreams or maybe another lifetime. But for now it is goodbye.”