Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs (6 page)

“That’s true.”

He’s trying to make me feel better and it’s working.

“Kates, Austin and I are in the same driver’s ed car,” Liz says. “I promise to spill all the details about Austin’s slipups so you don’t miss a thing.” She giggles.

“As if you’re going to be so much better,” Austin says to Liz, a smirk spreading across his face. “Picture this, Burke: Liz driving down the 101 with Mr. Thomas, Rob Murray, and me as passengers. That’s a horror movie waiting to happen!”

They erupt in laughter. I laugh too, but I feel stupid.

“KAITLIN BURKE! What are you doing here?” My publicist, Laney Peters, interrupts and almost knocks me out of my chair as she hugs me. “How are you, sweetums?”

Sweetums? This can’t be Laney even if she does look like her. She’s standing in front of me with her latest Gucci bag on her arm, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana tank top and Diesel capri jeans with ballet flats. She could walk the halls at Clark High with Liz and Austin and everyone would assume she was a student. (For all I know, she could be that young. She has never revealed her true age.) Laney’s long blond hair is ironed flat.

“I’m great, Laney, couldn’t be better,” I reply.

“Kaitlin, this is Heidi Caldwell, the West Coast editor of
Men’s Matters
,” Laney purrs. I look to Laney’s right and see a forty-something brunette with long curly hair, smiling at me. She’s wearing a fitted black tank and dark denim jeans.

Ohhhh . . . sweetums. Got it. I extend my hand to take Heidi’s and shake it politely before introducing Austin, Liz, and Josh.

“We were at Kelly Clarkson’s concert at Hyde, but it was so crowded.” Laney shudders in horror.

“How’d she sound?” I ask politely. Kelly is one of Laney’s other high-profile clients.

“Perfect,” says Laney. “And she looks incredible. She may pose for
Men’s Matters
.”

“Kelly?” She seems too sweet to slather on some oil and pose in a G-string for millions of guy readers to ogle.

“Everyone wants to do
Men’s Matters
,” Heidi jumps in and says matter-of-factly. “You should consider it, Kaitlin. Your costar Alexis Holden is on our next cover. We’d have to wait a few months to do another
Family Affairs
star, but I’m sure they’d want you too.”

“You shot Alexis?” I’m feeling green with envy even though I’ve never had the desire to be photographed in a garter.

“Your sales would be through the roof if you did a Kaitlin Burke cover,” Laney tells her. “You should have approached us first. Kaitlin is a household name. Alexis will only be on the show for a few episodes, you know.” I try to suppress a smile. It’s nice to be in Laney’s presence when she goes to bat for me.

“Alexis is going to be huge,” Heidi counters. “Everyone’s talking about her. I mean, the girl came out of nowhere and now she’s got a role on
FA
, is hanging with Lindsay and Paris, and every guy in town wants her number. You don’t get hotter than that. And we’ve got her first cover.”

I feel my skin begin to blister. Hot? The girl has been on the air twice! Suddenly I can understand what Sky must have felt like last year when
TV Tome
graced me with their “Teen Queen” title. It’s not fun listening to people wax on about a competing star’s wattage when they’re not referring to your own.

“I would like to meet Alexis, Kaitlin.” Laney turns to me. “Alexis might not have a publicist. I’ll stop by the set next week and we’ll have some chai tea. Okay?”

“Sure,” I say through gritted teeth.

“Oh, the hostess is waving us over.” Laney leans down and gives me a kiss on both cheeks. I’m so surprised, I practically head butt her. She clears her throat.

“Enjoy your night, everyone,” says Heidi. “Think about my offer, Kaitlin.”

“I will.” I smile sweetly until they walk away. Then I rub my temples.

“What was that about?” asks Austin. “Who is Alexis?”

“More importantly,” butts in Liz, “promise me you won’t do those stupid men’s magazines. They’re degrading.” Austin and Josh blush. They must have subscriptions.

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER TWO: The reason actresses do men’s books is simple: They’re great publicity. Hollywood knows the people who buy tickets to a movie’s opening weekend, or stand in line all weekend for a concert, are mostly young guys. And the way to get the word out to guys is to do a cover in your underwear for a magazine like
Men’s Matters
. Even studios keep tabs on these covers. The dark side of these covers is that they can be demeaning. Have you seen the gymnastic poses some of these girls have to strike? Or the interview questions? Do I really have to talk about being a virgin? I can’t even have that conversation with my boyfriend, let alone an entire subscription base!

Laney may have bristled at Heidi about me not getting the cover of
Men’s Matters
, but the truth is she wouldn’t let me be on their cover anyway. She thinks those men’s books are
Playboy
-light and should only be considered if you’re a C-level star hoping to bump up to a semi-B. Guess that makes Alexis still a C. Hee-hee.

Wait, that’s mean. What’s wrong with me?

I tell everyone a little about Alexis and her character before the waitress brings our dinner. My ravioli filled with spinach and ricotta cheese looks amazing, but I have to make sure I leave room for a little dessert. I don’t want to overdue it when I have to fit into a size four sample for
FA
Monday morning. “Enough talking,” I tell them. “Let’s dig in.”

“This gnocchi is incredible,” Liz mumbles, taking a bite of her pasta. “Doesn’t it look
comestible
?”

Austin, Josh, and I look at each other in confusion and then at Liz.

“
Comestible
means ‘fit to be eaten.’” Liz sounds so proud of herself. “That’s an SAT vocabulary word.”

“Show-off,” Josh jokes as he takes a spoonful of his linguini with clams. “All right, smarty. What does
demulcent
mean?”

“To de-mulch something?” she asks, sounding unsure.

Austin makes a buzzer sound. “That would be incorrect. Sorry, Miss Mendes, but I’m afraid the correct answer is an application soothing to an irritated surface.”

“What’s
denizen
mean? An inhabitant. HA!”

“Oh yeah? What about
felicitate
? To wish joy or happiness.”

I feel like I’m trapped on some hideous game show hosted by Howie Mandel. I eat my ravioli, staring at another table, secretly wishing I had a list of SAT vocabulary words stashed away so that I could join this bizarre discussion.

I realize I’m staring at Laney and Heidi’s table and I notice Heidi hold up a picture to show Laney. It’s one of Alexis in a pink bra and panties. I squint menacingly. Even from here I can tell she looks good. I turn to Liz, Josh, and Austin to say something, but they’re still busy quizzing each other.

“
Indivisible
. Not separable into parts.”

“Please. Who doesn’t know the word
indivisible
?”

I flag the waitress over and ask her to put in our order of cupcakes. That’s about the only thing that will cheer me up right now.

The SATs, driver’s ed, college . . . my biggest problem is whether my call time has been switched or Sky is feeding lies about me to perezhilton.com. I watch the three of them quiz each other and suddenly our worlds seem so far apart.

I’ve got an SAT question. What’s another word for feeling left out?

FRIDAY, 9/13

NOTE TO SELF:

Ask Monique 2 beef up SAT prep Q’s.

Have Nadine look in2 permit test requirements & driver’s ed.

Find great b-day present 4 Austin!

Three:
Dressed for Success

Please don’t tell the press I said this, but I have a confession: I secretly hate weeknight Hollywood events. I’m not antisocial, or totally boring, it’s just that I don’t like being out late when I know I have long workdays ahead of me. What if I overslept and was late to set? (The last thing I want is for my director or the studio head to write a letter bashing my tardiness and sending it to the press to prove he means business.)

Now that I am over sixteen and no longer fall under the child labor laws, my workdays usually stretch from five AM to eight or nine in the evening and include meetings, interviews, photo shoots, and schoolwork. Some days, it’s just too much. That’s why I’ve finally put my size nine Manolos down and told Laney, Mom, and Nadine to run weeknight events by me before RSVPing. Unless it’s a major happening, I’d rather go home, watch the latest TiVo’d episode of
Ugly Betty,
and collapse in a large, hot bubble bath.

That doesn’t happen that often, mostly because there are
a lot
of exceptions to that game plan and tonight’s one of them. Hotter-than-hot designer Margo Price (of the famed line Priceless) invited us to her Priceless Waist Exhibit, and even though it’s a Wednesday night, even I wouldn’t be crazy enough to miss this. Not only do I love Margo’s designs, but this party is the talk of the town. Everyone who is anyone will be there. The invite says Margo is celebrating “the skirt’s modernization through the last century.” Sounds very chic. I think.

“Isn’t this exciting?” Mom gushes as Rodney drives my family and Austin to the exhibit at Priceless’s flagship store in Beverly Hills. “Margo sent you an invitation personally, Katie-Kat. Did Nadine tell you that? A personal, handwritten invite! From Margo herself!”

“Very cool,” I agree, trying to suck in my yawn so that Mom won’t think I’m dissing her all-time favorite designer. I’m exhausted.
FA
ratings for the third episode of the season, which aired last weekend, were in the top five again and we delayed filming for an hour today to celebrate our victory. Everyone from my TV mom, Melli, to our executive producer and cocreator, Tom, toasted the cast and crew for a job well done and then thanked Alexis personally for creating such an attention-grabbing character. I couldn’t help being a little ruffled at not being mentioned. (After all, I was the one who gave the tearful meltdown at my mom’s bed-side during episode two. When we filmed it, Tom had called it my “Emmy-winning” moment.)

Then, after all the kudos, Alexis tearfully thanked us for welcoming her and her character with open arms. Sky was standing next to me when Alexis was talking and she stepped on my foot with her stiletto heel. “Fake,” she whispered in my ear. Okay, I was a little envious too, but I thought Alexis sounded sincere, even if her ego did seem slightly inflated, like a big star during pilot season.

Sky was even angrier later in the day, when her own scene was delayed longer because of a snafu with one involving Matty and Alexis. I wasn’t on set when it happened, but Pete the grip told me in confidence that Alexis wasn’t thrilled with the lighting for the scene and begged for it to be redone. Sky went ape and caused a major commotion. I had such a headache by the time I left work, I told Mom I might have to forget whatever was on my calendar for the evening. That’s when she reminded me that tonight was the Priceless party and that she had asked Austin to join us. (Nice move, Mom.) Going to the Priceless bash and seeing Austin is worth the under-eye circles.

“We’re so revved up, Katie-Kins,” Dad adds. “Margo is the hottest designer and she loves dressing you. Your mom has always wanted to meet her.”

“Maybe we’ll hit it off,” rhapsodizes Mom with a starry look in her green eyes. “And Margo will be calling me to wear her samples a season in advance and begging me to vacation with her on Lake Como.” Mom sighs. “Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

I’m not used to hearing Mom sound so much like a fan instead of a savvy Hollywood insider. I turn away so she can’t see me smirk.

“You guys realize a thousand people are going tonight, right?” Matty points out. Alexis’s lighting request delayed production so long that Matty didn’t get to finish his scene today. If anyone else had pulled that, Matty would have freaked, but Alexis apologized to Matty personally. He was mush afterward. I teased him that he has a major crush on her and he didn’t deny it. “We might not even see Margo,” Matty adds.

Mom ignores him. “The point is, Kaitlin, I want you to thank Margo and gush about her brand to the press. Tell them she’s your favorite and talk about how you’ve been striving for that old-world Hollywood glamour feel that Priceless speaks to.”

Austin coughs. “Old-world Hollywood feel,” I repeat. “Is that the look I’m going for?” I ask, trying not to look amused.

Mom plays with the pearl beading on her silk canary yellow gown — Priceless, of course. Usually when you go to a fashion show, or a designer’s event, the unwritten rule is that you wear the designer’s clothes as a show of support. Dad and Matty are in Priceless suits, Nadine called in a navy Priceless button-down shirt for Austin, and I got to wear this gorgeous, fitted black sequin Priceless tank cocktail dress. I even pinned my hair back in a tight bun with a Priceless butterfly clip. The look is very Audrey Hepburn, which I’m loving.

“Laney and I discussed it last night,” Mom explains with a raise of her right eyebrow, code for
don’t get snippy
. “We’re going to talk to your stylist about pulling more clothes for you to reflect that feel. Look at stars like Scarlett Johansson. She’s styled perfectly these days and she’s being taken seriously and snagging Oscar-contending roles. We want that for you too, Katie-Kins. It’s never too early to think about your next big career move.”

Old-world Hollywood? Next career move? My head starts throbbing again. Thankfully, Austin gives my hand a squeeze and I relax. It’s been five days since our dinner at Les Deux and I’ve really missed being around him. Sometimes I think Austin’s psychic. I wonder if he knows what I’m thinking
right now
.

I stare deep into his eyes. Am I crazy to want it all? I will my brain to ask him. Is it ridiculous to worry about being left behind when you guys go to college when I’ve experienced more than some do in a lifetime? Jennifer Aniston knows my name, I have Brett Ratner on speed dial, and I have enough money in the bank to buy a small desert island. Should I really care that I can’t take driver’s ed like a normal person? What do you think, Austin?

I wait for a reaction. Austin smiles at me.

Hmph. What does that mean?

“What do you think, Kate-Kate?” Dad is saying. “We’ll let you, Austin, and Matty walk the carpet together and your mother and I will head inside to the exhibit. We don’t want to cramp your style, you hot rod.”

Austin looks confused. I keep forgetting to tell him about my dad’s loony car speak, a holdover from his days as a car salesman. I always cringe in meetings with my dad, who is now a Hollywood producer, when he comes out with some crazy phrase like, “That engine’s gonna need some fine-tuning before we start filming!”

“Sure, Dad, that’s fine,” I agree as Rodney pulls up to the store, which is lit up like a Christmas tree from the flash-bulbs of a few dozen paparazzi. There is a packed red carpet and a few hundred curious fans.

Rodney opens the car door and Laney is right there waiting to take over. “Hi,” she whispers, looking chic in a white Priceless pantsuit that accents her airbrushed tan. Her long blond hair is combed pin straight and held back by gold Priceless sunglasses. “Make sure you talk about how much you love Priceless,” she reminds me as she takes my arm and Austin’s and steers us over to the first reporter. Matty runs along behind us. Laney rattles off my topics: Priceless. Check. Say how much I love
FA
and how great the new season is going. Check.
Pretty Young Assassins
is coming out next spring. Check. I make sure I mention all of the above as Austin, Matty, and I move from one reporter to the next. Everyone who is anyone — Reese, Julia, Ashley, Hayden, Eva, my pal Gina — is here tonight to support Margo Price. Suddenly I don’t feel tired anymore. I feel like I’m at a Hollywood reunion!

“I still can’t get over how you know all these people,” says a starstruck Austin after we say goodbye to David and Victoria and Tom and Katie respectively. “Does everyone know everyone in this town?”

“Pretty much,” I say with a bright, toothy grin, knowing the cameras are still on us. We make our way to the next reporter. It’s Maria Meadow from
Access Hollywood
, looking skinny and gorgeous in a Priceless pencil skirt and a cream silk tank. Matty has moved ahead of us and is talking to
Hollywood Nation
.

“Kaitlin, that dress is beautiful on you,” she gushes. “How’d you pick it?”

“I’ve been a fan of Priceless forever,” I recite, “and Margo . . .” I overhear another conversation and stop midspeech.

“. . .
Family Affair
has been a dream come true, Gary, but you know, it can be tough being the new girl. People can be very cliquish.”

Hmm . . . That sounds like Alexis talking. I didn’t know she was here tonight. Did she just call
FA
cliquish? That’s weird. Our show is known as the friendliest on the lot.

“I’ve heard Sky and Kaitlin are pretty friendly,” I hear the reporter say. “Aren’t you all around the same age?”

“They’re quite nice, Gary. But to be perfectly honest, they’re very busy with their own schedules, you know? They don’t have time to show little old me around town.”

What is going on? I gave Alexis a personal tour of the studio on her first day there! And I’ve invited her to lunch half a dozen times and she’s always turned me down! Talk about unappreciative.

“Kaitlin?” Maria questions. Austin jabs me in my side.

“I’m sorry!” I blush. Where was I? “Margo sent this dress over last season and I’ve been waiting for the right . . .”

“Well, either way, Alexis, all anyone can talk about tonight is you, you, you,” I hear Alexis’s reporter continue.

“Stop, Gary! You’re making me blush!”

“I’m serious. You have made
Family Affair
fun again. You’ve only been on-screen in three episodes and already we’re in love with you. Colby is such a great character and you play her mysteriousness beautifully.”

“Thanks, Gary. I really try. I don’t have that tough Hollywood exterior like most of these girls or my coworkers. I grew up poor and we only had one TV. No cable. I wasn’t groomed on
Family Affair
and all this Hollywood glamour. I’m just trying to learn as I go and I’m so grateful to the press for embracing me. I’m blessed to be playing Colby. I can’t believe it’s my storyline that has put
FA
back in the top five where it belongs. The network has been so grateful, but they shouldn’t be. I’m just grateful they gave a kid like me a job.”

“Is she kidding me?” I blurt out. Alexis is taking sole credit for our show and painting herself as Mother Teresa! And shy? She’s always been overly friendly with everyone on set, and shy girls don’t stop filming and complain about the lighting. What is going on with her? Austin coughs loudly.

“I’m so sorry, Maria!” I remember where I am again.

Maria just stares at me and now I’m very embarrassed. “That’s your new costar Alexis Holden over there, isn’t it?” she asks.

I cringe at hearing Alexis’s name. “Yep, I just was trying to get her attention.” I laugh nervously. “But I’ll catch her later. Please forgive me for spacing out,” I apologize. “I don’t know where my head is tonight! Can we start over? Ask me anything.” I try to forget about Alexis and concentrate on finishing my one-on-one, and two more identical Q&A’s, before entering the store. Matt makes a beeline to the gift bags and leaves Austin and me alone to mingle.

“Are you okay, Burke?” Austin’s blue eyes are filled with worry. “You don’t look so hot.”

“I’m just annoyed about some stupid work thing. It’s nothing.” I try to shrug it off. Austin gives me a mock stern look. “I’ll tell you all about it. Just not here.”

Believe me, I’ve learned my lesson about keeping secrets from my boyfriend. But what am I supposed to say? That part of me is jealous of all the attention Alexis is getting? We’re all busting our butt on
FA
, but because Alexis is new, she’s taken the spotlight. The other half of me is ticked off that Alexis is painting herself as this martyr who’s single-handedly saved our show, which wasn’t doing too shabbily to begin with.

But maybe I’m just being paranoid . . . I hate this jealous side of myself. Alexis is new at this whole interview thing. She could just be nervous and not know what to say to reporters. I’m sure that’s it.

“Take my mind off work,” I press Austin. “How was your day?”

“Good,” he yawns. “Liz and I had our second driver’s ed class. I got to drive this time. We went down Ventura and I attempted to parallel park. I hit a curb and knocked the back right hubcap off.” He blushes.

“I’m sure that happens to everybody.” I try to sound upbeat. “What’s parallel parking again?”

He groans. “You really need to take your permit test.”

“I know,” I agree, pulling out my Sidekick to add another Note to Self reminder about permit tests. “What’s going on with your SAT study group?”

“We met for forty-five minutes to talk about SAT essay questions and then everyone had to leave. Honestly, I was bored out of my mind. Rob and I were itching to practice sprints. If I see another SAT vocab word, I might hurl.”

“You’re going to ace that test,” I tell him. “Maybe you’re just on study overload. I know when I practice my lines too much they all get jumbled in my head.”

“You’re probably right,” he admits, his eyes doing a double-take as George and Brad pass by and wave. “But the test isn’t until November. I’ve got a ways to go with the studying. I’ll probably be studying on my birthday!”

“Speaking of birthdays, can you help me figure out a great gift to get my boyfriend?” I smile at Cameron and Drew as they float by. “What do boys like?”

“I don’t know.” Austin grins. “Maybe you can help me instead. My girlfriend’s birthday is coming up soon and I have no idea what to get her either.”