Secrets of My Hollywood Life #2: On Location (21 page)

"Are you okay?" Nadine grabs my bare right elbow as she walks up behind me. "I've called your name like three dozen times!"

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. In addition to a mi nor bump on my forehead, I see my coiffed chignon, my bronzed skin, and the minimalist makeup the artist applied. I glance down at my black-and-white halter-style Zac Posen dress that has peekaboo cutouts on my hips. I'm wearing it to walk the red carpet and then I'll change into jeans and a flowy, orange peasant top for Drew's and my opening sketch.

I've got six outfit changes for the two-hour taped ceremony. "I'm okay," I reply rubbing my head.

"Are you sure?" Liz asks worriedly. "Because you don't look fine, you look miserable."

I turn around to face them. "Don't start with me, okay?" I beg. "I've been here since six AM. I've had a full-show run-through, done two interviews, hit the gift suite with both of you--where, I might add, you both got new Motorola cell phones with three years of free service--and sat through an hour of hair and makeup. Any minute now Laney will be here with Mom, Dad, and Matt to whisk me off to the red carpet for more interviews. I can't be anything other than fine right now so let's just leave Austin out of it." My voice rises and even I recognize the note of hysteria. "It's been over a week and he hasn't called me and I haven't called him. I'd say it's officially over, so let's let it go, okay? Austin is out of my life and
I'm fine.
"

"Nobody mentioned Austin, Kates," Liz says innocently. "You told us that we weren't allowed to bring him up."

"I think her exact words were, 'Say Austin's name again and you'll be fired,'" Nadine reminds Liz.

"That's right. You're not supposed to talk about him," I re peat. "I just know he's what you both were thinking about." I grab my dangling silver earrings from the dressing table to put them on, but my hands are shaking. Liz walks over and gently takes them out of my hands. Wordlessly, she removes the backing and helps me put the sparklers in my earlobes. "Please drop this, Lizzie," I whisper, knowing Liz isn't done lecturing me. "I can't mess up the awards. I've been rehears ing with Drew for days."

In the mirror, I see Liz look at Nadine who nods encour agingly. "We're going to say this one last time and you better listen: You're making a mistake. We know you lied and messed things up, but we think you can fix this if you really want to. And we think you do."

"How many times can I apologize?" I ask quietly. "I appre ciate what you're both trying to do, but it's no use." I shake my head vigorously, swinging the silver earrings. "You can't fix this for me and I can't fix it either."

"I'm surprised at you," Nadine replies simply.

I take the bait. "Why?"

"Because the Kaitlin Burke I know isn't one to give up," Nadine says, sounding like Paulo during an extra-intense workout. "The Kaitlin Burke I know fights for what she wants, whether it's a role in a Hutch Adams movie, or a ridiculous catfight against her nemesis, or a career comeback. She doesn't just lie down and die." I'm silent. "But what do I know?" Nadine shrugs and looks at Liz. "Maybe Austin, or should I say the first guy you ever really cared about--a guy who actually liked you for who you really are and not the after-parties you could get him into--isn't worth fight ing for."

The three of us let the words hang there until we're in terrupted by a knock at the door.

"How's my favorite client doing?" Laney asks cheerfully as she slips inside the room with my parents and Matt. Laney is red-carpet-ready to usher me along the press line in a pair of Citizens of Humanity jeans and a fitted lace-lined black top. Mom and Dad, who aren't coming to the show ("You wouldn't look cool with your parents there," Mom explained dismissively) are in workout clothes.

"Oooh, Katie-Kat, you look lovely," Mom gushes. She thumbs the fabric on my knee-length dress and gives my look a complete once-over. Then she frowns. "You really like this better than the Angel Sanchez dress I picked out?"

"Mom, it's just the red carpet," Matt gripes. "She's got like a dozen other outfits to wear for the show. Who cares if this one isn't perfect?" Matt checks himself out in the mirror. He's wearing a black jacket with a blue silk shirt open at the collar no tie. "What you should be worrying about is how I look. The carpet is my only chance to get on camera tonight," Matt whines, smoothing his slicked-back blond hair. "Kaitlin has two-hours worth of money shots!"

"You're right honey," Mom agrees. "Let me look at you." She stares at him for a moment. "You look gorgeous."

"You look great, Matty," Dad adds. "Better than Ashton Kutcher any day"

Everyone chuckles, but I'm still distracted by Nadine's "The Kaitlin Burke I Know" speech. Sure, Nadine's just try ing to fire me up, but it's working. Even if Austin can't for give me, he deserves to know the truth, doesn't he?

"So the red carpet arrivals begin at three o'clock," Laney is saying, reading from Nadine's daily itinerary. "There are a few
Idol
rejects down there now, but the big stars won't ar rive till later. I think we're better off waiting till three thirty to bring you down. You're worth the wait." She grins broadly. "Now, you're back at work at
Family Affair
on August twenty-first, so make sure you mention how excited you are. Your mom said you should have your first
FA
script to look at in a few days, but we have some plot news already. I heard they're hiring a girl your own age to play a sweet homeless chick you and Sky befriend and eventually take into your home."

"Have they cast her yet?" Nadine asks.

"No," Laney says, "but what do we care if she only lasts a few episodes?"

"I'm going to make sure this homeless person doesn't in fringe on Katie-Kat's airtime." Mom frowns. Matt clears his throat. "And I'm setting up a meeting for Matty again," Mom adds.

"ANYWAY," Laney interrupts, "plot details are minimal, but you know how to spin it, right? Afterward, we'll head backstage where you have one quick interview with Drew before you redo hair and makeup for the start of the show, which begins at five."

"Laney, where am I sitting?" Matty asks. "Am I in the front row? That's the area that gets the most screentime."

Laney looks flustered. "What do you mean where are you sitting? You don't have a seat. I thought you were just doing the carpet and then going to one of the viewing parties I got you into."

Matt is flustered. "I don't have a seat?" he repeats. "I'm the brother of the host! How can I not have a seat? Or be a seat-filler. Or
something?
"

"I'm sorry." Laney shrugs. "These tickets were hot and hard to come by. Even I've got to hang out backstage tonight."

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER EIGHTEEN: Just because you're a recognizable star doesn't mean you can just show up at any award show. For Hollywood awards,
everyone
needs a ticket, even hotties like Orlando Bloom. The truth is, hun dreds of stars request tickets to shows like the Golden Globes and most are turned down (there are only 1,200 seats in the International Ballroom). Forget getting into the SAG Awards--members have to download a form seeking an invitation to
pay
for a $600 ticket.

But I don't care about tickets right now. In fact, I don't even care about the awards. Matty can host if he wants. All I can think about is Austin, after I've spent two weeks trying to forget him. But who am I kidding? Did I really think it would be that easy to get over him?

"Katie-Kins, are you okay?"

The more time I spend with Austin, the more he sees the real me: not the perfect girlfriend. But what if the real me doesn't measure up? I might make $2 million a picture, but I'm also pushed around by people and pressures that sound trivial to someone like Austin, who lives a normal life. I'm not sure Austin can understand why it's important for me to make
Peoples
"Most Beautiful" issue or wear the latest $400 Jimmy Choos on the red carpet. Can he still care for me in spite of those things?

"KATES?" Liz questions.

"I'm scared," I say out loud. "I'm scared that the real me isn't enough and that's why I pushed him away"

"What is she talking about?" Dad whispers to Mom.

"I think she has stage fright," Mom explains. "Sweetie, you've been onstage before." She grabs my hand, digging her five-carat ruby ring into my palm. "This is great practice for Broadway someday."

Matt shakes his head. "They should have asked me to host."

"Then you've got to tell him," Liz encourages.

I look at my wrist. Instead of my watch there's a dangling beaded bracelet. "What time is it?"

"It's two o'clock," Nadine tells me. "You could be there in twenty minutes."

"Rodney's got the Lincoln waiting out front," Liz urges.

I grab my bag, not waiting for anyone to stop me. Rodney's got the Lincoln waiting? "But how'd you...?" I look at Liz.

"Just go!" Liz commands.

"NO, YOU DON'T." Laney throws herself in front of the door. "You are not leaving the building. We have the red car pet in an hour. You can see him afterwards, Kaitlin."

"What's going on?" Mom demands.

"You said yourself, she didn't have to do the red carpet till three thirty," Nadine soothes, gently moving Laney out of the way. I bolt for the door and Liz stands in the way of Laney, as I race into the hallway.

"KAITLIN, IF YOU'RE NOT BACK HERE BY THREE FIFTEEN I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!" Laney yells after me.

"Nadine, where is she going?" Mom screeches. But I grab Rodney's hand and without question he jogs with me past security past the press line gathering on the carpet, and straight to the parking lot.

"I knew you'd come around," he says when we reach the car.

"We've got forty minutes to get there and back," I re mind him.

"Then get in!" Rodney laughs.

The ride to Austin's house is quick. So quick that I still haven't perfected what I'm going to say. It doesn't help that my cell phone is ringing off the hook (I know it's Mom, so I'm not picking up) and my stomach is in knots. Before I know it, we're parked outside Austin's brick colonial. I bite my lip nervously.

"He's all yours," Rodney says. "You've got ten minutes and then I have to drag you back to Hollywood. Go get him, kid."

I take a long, deep breath, and then wordlessly grab the car door. I hear it unlock and I swing it open. I run up the brick walkway, afraid if I slow down I'll turn around and dive back in the car. As I open the screen and prepare to use the brass pineapple knocker, the red door miraculously opens and Austin comes flying through it. He stops before he plows me down.

"Burke," he says in surprise. "What are you...?"

"Before you tell me to leave, hear what I have to say," I beg.

"But, Kaitlin...," Austin interrupts.

"Please, this will only take a minute," I promise. Austins hand is still on the open door, but he doesn't shut it. Instead he opens it a little wider. I don't waste any time waiting for him to ask me in.

"I was scared," I explain quickly. "I've been scared of you seeing who I really am. I'm so used to putting my best face forward, with airbrushed magazine covers and interviews masterminded by Laney. I'm not used to letting people see my true, unpolished, and unrehearsed self." I catch my breath before continuing. "Ever since we started dating, I've been worried about you learning too much." Austin listens intently without interrupting. "What if you didn't like the real me? Or couldn't understand me?" I ask nervously. "When Drew and I were together, he hurt me badly. I truly cared for him, but in the end it was obvious that he was just using me," I reveal, my voice breaking. "I don't think I've really gotten over that until now and I haven't let anyone get so close to me since. I should have been honest with you and told you what Carol said to me about the awards instead of keeping it from you. I should have put your feelings first be cause you've always been so careful with mine." I wrap my arms around myself to stop from shaking. "But what I'm most scared of is that you're going to shut this door and walk out of my life without ever really knowing how much you mean to me."

Before I can say anything else, Austin pulls me towards him and kisses me firmly on the lips. His mouth feels per fect against mine.

When we part, I ask breathlessly "Does this mean you forgive me?" He laughs and it's only then that I actually get a good look at what he's wearing: a sharp navy jacket and dress pants. Wait a minute--is that Armani? "Austin, were you going someplace?"

He grins. "I was on my way to find
you
at the awards so
I
could apologize," he says, his blue eyes staring deep into mine. "I got a phone call reminding me of where you'd be to day and what a fool I'd be if I let you slip away" He clears his throat.

LIZ.

"And a few minutes later I got an e-mail with directions to the venue."

NADINE.

He was coming to find me!

"I've been an idiot too," Austin says. I'm aware he's touching the bare skin by my dress cutouts and I can hardly breathe. "I shouldn't have mouthed off about how you handle your job. I know nothing about Hollywood!" He laughs. "I guess I was so afraid I wouldn't fit into your world that I tried to overcompensate by telling you how to do things. I think you already have enough people do ing that."

"But everything you said was right." I grab him by his lapel and shake him slightly. "I make myself miserable lis tening to everyone's advice but my own. And I do shut people out."

"And I'm highly competitive and I think I have the answer to everything," Austin jokes. He kisses me again. "We're quite a pair, Burke."

Rodney honks the horn. "I'm sorry Kates!" Rodney yells through the passenger window. "Laney is freaking out! You're supposed to be back there in ten!"

"Two seconds!" I beg. I turn back to Austin. "Any chance you're up for an awards show? I have it on good authority the opening number is fabulous."

"I am dressed to party" Austin says with a grin. He takes my hand and I hold it tightly as he leads me back to the Lincoln.

"Laney I've got them," I hear Rodney say as we climb in side. "Yes, Austin is with her. CALM DOWN. I can be there in twenty." He hangs up and looks back at both of us. "Laney is hyperventilating," he chuckles. "She said I'm to drop you two right off at the carpet. If we get there by three forty you'll have twenty minutes before you have to go back in side to prep for the opening number."