Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (7 page)

BOOK: Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love

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ask yourself

1.
What secrets are you willing to keep in a friendship?

2.
Did you ever break a confidence? Why? Did you feel guilty about it?

No-No 5: Getting Too Close for Comfort

There is one more unforgivable that we ought to mention. Sometimes adults behave like immature adolescents out of their own need for love or drama. If so, they may do the unforgivable and make eyes at a friend’s husband. If you cross that line, there is no going back.

Lisa’s Story

When Bill and I were first married, we lived across the way from an attractive couple with whom we became friends. One day, and one day only, I spotted this “friend” getting a little too cozy with Bill. Something about the way she looked at him made me wary. Who knows if anything would have happened? The point is—you take no chances. We never, ever socialized again with this couple, even though they were hard to avoid in our tight-knit condo community. Bill protested that I was making a big deal out of nothing, but I think he was flattered by the whole episode because this girl was very attractive and I gave up our friendship with this couple because of the threat. You just never can be too careful—and when it comes to my husband, my claws come out. ■

ask yourself

1.
Have you ever committed one of these no-nos?

2.
What sins can’t you forgive in a friend?

3.
How willing are you to overlook flaws or sins in order to keep a friendship going?

The Gray Areas . . .

Even if you follow our four basic rules that are intended to help you keep your friendships solid, in life you still encounter a multitude of situations in the gray area. These are the moments where you might be forced to turn the other cheek if you feel wronged, or on the other hand decide whether your efforts in this friendship are worth your time. We cite just a couple of examples here—the drama of parties and the reality of keeping in touch.

GRAY AREA 1: IT’S HER PARTY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO....

What happens when you are not invited to a party your friend is throwing? Ah, that classic gray area. Here is the judgment call: Is the party an intimate gathering or something to which many people are invited? If it is a big affair, then of course your feelings will be hurt if you are excluded. On the other hand, be fair—if you’ve ever thrown a wedding or Bar Mitzvah, you might even have had your own “A list” stamped and your “B list” ready for those who returned their response cards early with a no. You can’t always invite everyone, even if you want to. Neither can your friends.

GRAY AREA 2: KEEPING IN TOUCH

We all know the hallmark of a good friendship is communication, but we have many good friends with whom we simply do not keep in touch on a regular basis. Let’s face it—your dynamic, interesting friends are busy. If you haven’t heard from someone in months, and you miss her, pick up the phone and start the conversation as if you just spoke with her yesterday. She probably has a really good reason for why she hasn’t been in touch—why not find out what it is?

We hate when friends make us feel guilty that we haven’t spoken to them in a while. Here’s how it’s done: Your friend whom you haven’t spoken with in three months calls you up and instead of saying “Hello—I miss you, how are you?” the first thing she says is “Hi—how come I haven’t heard from you in so long?” These types of conversations immediately make you defensive and also remind you why this particular friendship is such a pain in your tuchas. If this happens to you, you could respond with “Why haven’t I heard from you? Couldn’t you pick up a phone also?” But what you will do instead is sputter some sort of speech about just how busy you’ve been. Who needs that? Real friends pick up where they left off with no need to make each other explain or apologize.

When to Say When

Friendships are some of the most difficult relationships in life to maneuver. Although we do pick our friends, sometimes we make the wrong choices. Then what? What is the kind way to back away from a friendship once you discover there are things about this person that you no longer like? Close friendships, in particular, are just like love affairs. Endings can be very painful. We are reluctant to let go of people whom we once loved. The Jewish mother’s answer ? When a door closes, a window opens. Eventually, another friend will come along. So, then, how do you end a friendship?

Lisa’s Story

With Annette, I agonized over ending our friendship. There had been so many slights, insults and confrontations that I knew it had to end, but it was difficult nonetheless. How did I end the friendship? First, Annette herself knew she had crossed the line, so the ending came as no surprise to her. My phone calls to her ceased. I told all our mutual friends that our friendship was over and asked them to please not put me in awkward situations. I would always act civilly, but others were not to expect us to be the pals we once were.

Ironically, Annette’s husband had warned me years beforehand that our friendship would eventually end this way; he had told me that Annette had a pattern of doing this to people. Of course, when he told me this, I said it would never happen to us.

About a year after we had called it quits, Annette walked up to me in a parking lot and told me that she had heard I was starting a radio show and wanted to help out. She clearly was making an overture to restart the friendship. But with me, there is no going back. Once you have crossed the line, it really is over. The offer to help was politely refused.

Years later, I still think about her and miss our fun conversations. That’s why I believe that once you’ve loved someone, a part of you will always still love that person, even if you believe that you are better off not having that person in your life. ■

ask yourself

1.
When is a friendship really over for you?

2.
How do you end your friendships?

3.
Do you think there is a graceful way to end a friendship? How?

4.
Have you ever been dumped by a good friend? Why?

5.
Do you still think about close friendships that have ended? Do you have regrets?

It’s Never Too Late....

On the other hand, friendships do come in cycles. Sometimes we simply drift out of each other’s lives and then reconnect. In today’s Internet world, it’s easier than ever to find someone. Mommy used to pine for a college roommate with whom she had lost touch years ago. One day, Lisa finally decided to do something about it.

Gloria’s Story

My roommate at college in Vermont was a girl named Betty who was three credits shy of graduation when she quit school to marry a guy who was a certified genius and as crazy as a three-dollar bill. This girl came from a poor family that had struggled to keep her in college, and here she was, throwing it away to get married! But I was really fond of Betty, and we had a great friendship. After college, she moved back to New York, and Sol and I started seeing them as a couple once in a while. Her husband developed severe mental as well as physical illnesses, and they shut themselves off from social contact. Eventually, we lost touch and I couldn’t find her anymore. I missed her.

One day, Lisa decided to surprise me and work her magic on the computer. She couldn’t find Betty, but she did track down her son after calling a few people who had the same name. I was so happy to find my long-lost friend! We see each other now as often as we can and she visits me in Florida. You cannot duplicate your shared history with old friends; it is irreplaceable. Since her husband died several years ago, she has made herself a busy and satisfying life, and her only son is very successful. Some friendships don’t die, they just go on hold for a bit. ■

ask yourself

1.
Whom do you miss?

2.
Have you tried reconnecting?

3.
What are you waiting for? Life is short. Pick up the phone.

In Conclusion

How important are our friends? How important is oxygen? Without both, we can’t breathe in this world. The Jewish mother judges the success of a person’s life by the quality of her relationships with others. You don’t have to like everybody, and believe us, not everybody has to like you. But when you do find those special connections with people, you need to appreciate them, nourish them and sustain them.

In the end, does it matter how much money you have if nobody wants to take a trip with you anyway? Does it matter how beautiful your home is if you never entertain, never fill it with great conversation and hearty laughter? What difference does it make if your daughter becomes a doctor if there is no one in your life who can
kvell
over your
nachas?
Friends do all of that for us.

Great friendship is of paramount importance for Jewish people. The famous prayer we say in
shul,
the Shehecheyanu, which is as hard to pronounce as it looks, goes: “Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who has granted us life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion.” Jews say this prayer on the first day of every holiday and at major celebrations and occasions. This prayer is also said upon seeing a friend whom we haven’t seen in thirty days or more. That’s how much we Jews value friends; we say a prayer of thanks to God when we reunite.

Speaking of prayers, do you know the ending to one of our favorite movies of all time, Frank Capra’s
It’s a Wonderful Life?
The hero, George Bailey, is reading the inscription on the Bible that the angel Clarence has given him, after George realizes that his own life was worth saving. What is inscribed on that Bible?
“Remember, George: No man is a failure who has friends.”
Our sentiments exactly.