Secrets From the Past (35 page)

I shuddered when I thought of Zac destroying the TV with it, and wondered yet again why I had not known we owned such a thing. I had probably never paid any attention to it, nor even noticed it amongst the other pieces of copper. Oddly enough, now I understood his need to bash something to pieces out of frustration and anger.

My mind zeroed in on Zac’s post-traumatic stress disorder, and I reminded myself that this caused much of his anger. And his incipient violence at times?
Possibly
.

He had been a war photographer for sixteen years, always in combat, actually, and had most likely suffered from PTSD for longer than Harry and I understood. As I continued to focus on his condition, caused by war, I accepted that I wasn’t afraid of Zac harming me physically. The undercurrent of violence was more verbal than anything else. Nonetheless, he had shaken me, holding me by the shoulders last night, and that had upset me.

Sighing, I took the dishes to the sink, rinsed them and went back to the bedroom, suddenly feeling tired. I lay down on the bed, hoping to fall asleep, but this didn’t happen. Instead, I began to think of the miscarriage, and instantly started to cry. Now that I was alone I could finally let go.

I wept into the pillow for a long time, for the baby I had lost, would never know, never see grow up. I was overwhelmed by my loss, and the sadness, and I again chastised myself for going to Libya in the first place.

As the weeping abated, finally, I began to retrace my steps, thinking of every day I had been in the war zone. I quickly came to understand that I had done nothing untoward. I had not put myself at risk. Yusuf had always been with me, protecting me, along with Jamal and Ahmed. And Zac. I’d been fully aware that he always had my back, even when he was in the thick of taking pictures.

I hadn’t done anything hectic physically, like jumping off walls, jeeps and trucks, as I had done very often in the past. Food poisoning aside, I had eaten very carefully, and had watched myself at all times, fully conscious of the baby, not wishing to harm it in any way.

In the inner recesses of my mind, words echoed, words I’d heard long ago. I concentrated, heard them again:
A woman can have a miscarriage for no reason at all. It just happens. Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again.

The voice had been my mother’s, and I remember now that she had been talking to Jessica when she was still married to Roger. And I had been with them on the terrace at Jardin des Fleurs.

I felt unexpectedly comforted. Sometimes things like that happen, remembered incidents come to mind, little rays of happiness shining out in the darkness, like sunlight glinting through deep water.

I must have fallen asleep. The buzzing of my BlackBerry on the bedside table roused me. I grabbed it, saw that it was Harry, and pushed myself up into a sitting position.

‘Hello?’ I said, realizing I sounded groggy.

‘It’s me,’ Harry said. ‘Are you all right? You sound funny.’

‘I’m great, Harry, I’ve been resting. I didn’t get much sleep last night.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ he exclaimed. ‘I understand that you and Zac had a terrible row, that he was shouting and screaming at you.’

I stiffened slightly on the bed, and exclaimed, ‘Yusuf must have told you.’ As I said these words, I couldn’t believe he would do such a thing – not my good old friend.

Harry confirmed this when he said, ‘Of course it wasn’t Yusuf who blabbed. He’s too discreet. Zac told me.’

‘When?’

‘Just a short time ago. He phoned me from Tripoli. He said you hadn’t been well when he left for the CNN party, that he’d come back to check on you, and you’d quarrelled. He sounded so down in the dumps, I wondered if you’d broken off with him?’

‘I didn’t actually say that to him, that it was over, nor did he. But it could be that it is …’ I stopped speaking. My throat had tightened, and I was choked up.

‘Surely not! You’ve been so good together, Serena. Don’t you want to make up with him? Give it a try?’ Harry sounded worried.

‘I don’t know,’ I muttered.

‘Why did you have such a big row? It can’t be that bad, can it?’ he asked, anxiety lingering in his voice.

‘I think it is,’ I said, my own voice suddenly wobbling. There was a silence on my part for a moment, and then I said, ‘I had a miscarriage on Saturday night, Harry …’ I did not finish my sentence, started to weep. But somehow I managed to control myself within seconds. And then I told Harry all about the events in the suite at the Rixos Hotel.

He listened, not interrupting. When I’d finished he said, ‘I understand, understand everything. I’m sorry this happened to you, that you lost the baby, Serena. But I must admit, from what you’ve told me, I don’t think you should have gone. If I had known you were pregnant I would have forbidden it.’

I was startled, and I heard the annoyance in Harry’s voice.

‘Zac blames me, and says it’s my fault,’ I muttered. ‘And he behaved very badly.’

‘I suppose it was natural, he must have been very shocked – maybe even hurt – that you hadn’t told him you were expecting his child. The first he heard of it was when you’d lost it. I can well imagine how he felt, and why he reacted.’ Harry sighed heavily.

I remained silent, surprised by his words. I knew he was shocked and disapproving of me. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘So sorry, Harry.’

‘I see from my watch that it’s nine o’clock over there,’ Harry went on. ‘Let’s talk tomorrow and decide what you should do.’

‘All right,’ I replied, filled with exhaustion and a little disappointment. ‘Good night.’ I paused, then added, ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too, Serena.’

As I hung up I was aware that I did not feel better. Talking to Harry had not really helped me, or comforted me, because I knew I’d displeased him by going to Libya in my condition. He had made it plain. I felt more alone than ever.

It wasn’t very often that the landline rang in the bolthole, but suddenly it was shrilling. Once again I pushed myself up on the bed and grabbed the phone.

‘Hello?’

‘Hi, Pidge, it’s Jess. Your cell phone’s been busy for ages.’

‘I was talking to Harry. I just hung up.’

‘Pidge darling, we’re so relieved you’re out of Libya! I bet Harry is too.’

‘He is, and so am I. Are you there with Cara?’ I asked.

‘Yes, she is here, and she’s grabbing the phone from me.’

Suddenly Cara was saying, ‘We can now admit that we’ve been very worried about you, Serena. In fact, we’ve had mental images of you coming home in a body bag.’

This was said in that gloomy voice of hers, which I so dreaded, and I exclaimed, ‘I’m sure that horrible image was in your head, Cara, and not Jessica’s.’

Cara laughed. ‘You know, she worries about you all the time, and a bit more than I do, baby sister. But she wants a word again – here she is.’

Jess said, ‘I do hope you’re coming to Nice soon. There’s no real reason to linger in Venice, is there? And you are all right, aren’t you? You’re not wounded, or anything like that?’

‘No, I’m not, I’m fine,’ I told her in a quiet voice, suddenly feeling low. In a way, I
was
wounded, at least emotionally. Taking a deep breath, I added, ‘I’m getting it together. I’m alive and well and kicking.’

‘You don’t sound it,’ Jessica answered softly, as usual able to pick up on my moods since my childhood. ‘Just the opposite. So what’s wrong? Tell me, Pidge, it helps to get things out.’

‘There’s nothing wrong, honestly,’ I replied, and in the strongest tone I could muster.

There was a moment of silence at the other end of the phone, then Jessica made an aside to Cara. They were talking together, but I couldn’t quite hear what they were saying.

I waited for a moment, then exclaimed in a shrill voice, ‘What’s going on?’

Jessica said, ‘Cara wants to know if Zac is with you? Did you come out together?’

For a moment I hesitated. ‘No,’ I managed to say. ‘He stayed behind in Libya.’

‘I see. So why have you come out alone, Serena? The reason you went to Tripoli in the first place was because of him, remember? You didn’t want to upset him by staying in Manhattan.’

I exclaimed. ‘Yes, that’s true. I went. And now I’ve left.’ My thoughts whirled around in my head, and I improvised, ‘I’ve had food poisoning, and it’s left me feeling a bit low, not in top form.’

‘Oh, I see.’ Jessica cleared her throat. ‘Have you and Zac had a row?’

I was stunned for a moment that Jessica had guessed, but perhaps it was Cara who had put the idea in her head. Then I instantly reminded myself that these two knew me better than anybody else. I still did not answer, wondering whether to confide everything on the phone, tell them about the miscarriage.

‘Are you there, Serena?’

‘Yes,’ I answered miserably.

‘Your silence seems to confirm our suspicions. You did have a row with him, didn’t you?’

‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘It was rather upsetting, and I decided I wanted to come out. Especially since the food poisoning had debilitated me a bit.’

‘I understand. Cara’s bugging me, she wants to know what the quarrel was about.’

‘Not anything important,’ I said, and realized my voice was wobbling. I swallowed, felt myself choking up; I was trembling inside, losing it altogether.

‘Oh Pidge, something is terribly wrong, darling,’ Jessica said softly, in that warm and loving voice of hers, which had soothed me when I had been upset as a child. It got to me, and I burst into tears, began to sob into the phone.

I grasped the receiver tightly in one hand, groped for the box of tissues with the other. I tried to stem the tears, wipe my eyes. I wanted to get control of myself.

Jessica was saying, ‘I’m here for you, so let it all out, Pidge. I’ll wait until you’re able to speak, take your time.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I managed to say in a tearful voice a few seconds later, and then after a moment I did get a grip on myself. ‘I didn’t mean to break down like that.’

‘What is it? Did you and Zac split up?’

‘Possibly, probably …’

‘But why? I thought everything was going so well with you both. You seemed so happy together when you were here.’

‘He’s … sort of annoyed with me,’ I began and stopped.

‘What about?’ Jessica probed.

I began to shake, and I said in a rush of words, ‘I had a miscarriage, Jessica, and he blames me, he’s very angry.’

‘Oh how terrible for you, Serena, to lose your baby! It’s so upsetting, heartbreaking. I know that only too well. I’ve been there.’

‘I remembered some words of Mom’s,’ I confided. ‘She was consoling you on the terrace, long ago, when you were still married to Roger.’

‘She did console me, and she said a woman can have a miscarriage without doing anything wrong. It can just happen. So I hope you’re not blaming yourself.’

‘I am,’ I replied, swallowing back the tears. ‘I shouldn’t have gone to Libya. That’s what Zac said, and he’s right. I put the baby at risk.’

‘Knowing you, I believe you would have been very careful, handled yourself well, so I don’t agree with him,’ Jessica said. ‘You could easily have had a miscarriage in New York, or anywhere for that matter.’ She then added, her tone loving, reassuring, ‘You must be positive, and look to the future. You’ll get pregnant again, you’ll see.’

‘I hope so, Jess, I really do. One of the reasons Zac is mad at me is because he didn’t know I was pregnant.’

There was a silence at the other end of the phone, and I realized Jessica was startled.

I said, ‘I didn’t tell him, because I thought I should go to Libya. I didn’t want to disappoint him, because he was so keen to have me by his side.’

‘I see,’ Jessica murmured, and then went on in a stronger voice, ‘Well, I can understand why he’s angry, Pidge.’

‘I had the best of intentions—’

‘And those are what pave the road to hell,’ she cut across me.

I began to cry once more, but managed somehow to tell her about my miscarriage and everything that had happened. And she was, as always, loving and sympathetic. When I’d finished, she said, ‘My heart goes out to you, Serena, I’ve been where you are now, although not in quite the same circumstances. And I really do empathize with your dreadful sense of loss, your pain.’

‘Thank you, Jess, thank you for being so understanding. It helps to know I have you and Cara.’

‘Cara wants to talk to you. Here she is, Pidge.’

‘Serena, listen to me, I got the gist of all that from Jessica’s end of the conversation, and I just want you to know that we are here for you. This is a miserable time for you, and what you need is a little tender loving care. So come home to us, as soon as you can, so that we can look after you.’

‘I will,’ I answered. ‘I’ll be there in a few days.’

How sad and bad and mad it was –

But then, how it was sweet!

Robert Browning, ‘Confessions’

Give all to love;

Obey thy heart;

Friends, kindred, days,

Estate, good fame,

Plans, credit, and the Muse;

Nothing refuse.

Ralph Waldo Emerson,
‘Give All to Love’

How sad and bad and mad it was –

But then, how it was sweet!

Robert Browning, ‘Confessions’

Give all to love;

Obey thy heart;

Friends, kindred, days,

Estate, good fame,

Plans, credit, and the Muse;

Nothing refuse.

Ralph Waldo Emerson,
‘Give All to Love’

‘H
arry! Harry!’ I shouted at the top of my voice, increasing my pace, hurrying faster up the street. I could hardly believe my eyes. There was Harry, pulling his roller suitcase behind him, about to enter the bolthole building. I hoped he wasn’t going to chastise me again for going to Libya.

He turned around immediately, a smile spreading across his face as I sped towards him, and fell into his arms, clutching him tightly. ‘I can’t believe you’re here! But I’m so happy you are.’