Secret Smile (8 page)

'I should be happy,' I said. 'I mean,
Kerry's over the moon.'

'Who are we talking about?' asked Nick
amiably, putting a crisp into his mouth and crunching it.

'Brendan. Kerry's boyfriend,' I said. 'Or
rather, her fiancé. They've only known each other a couple of weeks and they've
got engaged.'

'That's romantic'

'It makes me and Laura seem a bit staid
and dull,' said Tony cheerfully, and Laura shot him an angry look that he
blithely did not notice.

'But there's something really really wrong
about him,' I said. 'He gives me the creeps.'

'That's all right.
You
don't have
to marry him.'

'Didn't you go out with him, though?'
asked Tony. Laura shot him another look. I think she may even have jabbed him
under the table.

'Not really,' I said.

'How do you go out with someone
not-really?'

'Not for long, I meant. It wasn't
anything.' Most of me knew that I shouldn't be having this conversation, so I
don't know why I then said: 'I finished it with him. It wasn't the other way
round whatever he goes around saying.'

Nick looked puzzled and seemed about to
speak, but Tony got there first.

'So what's the problem?'

'Well, for an example, he said this thing
to me, when they announced they were going to get married.'

'What thing?'

'It was sick. He said...' I stopped dead.
I could feel a flush burning its way up my body. Sweat broke out on my brow.
'He said something gross.'

'What? Go on!' Only Tony didn't seem to be
feeling any discomfort. Laura was glaring at me, and Nick was looking down at
the table, fiddling with his beer mat.

'It was stupid. I don't know why I
mentioned it.'

'Come on, Miranda. Otherwise I'll just
have to imagine it!'

'I don't want to say.' How prissy did that
sound? 'Let's drop it.'

'It was you who started it.'

'I know. I shouldn't have done. It's just
stupid family stuff.'

'Gross, as in sexually suggestive?' Tony
persisted.

'He just said I had...' I hesitated, then
said, 'He said I had a nice mouth.'

'Oh.' There was a pause. Nick put another
crisp into his mouth. Tony stared at me. 'Well, that's not so bad, is it?'

'No,' I said weakly. 'Just leave it now.
Forget it.'

'So before me, it was this guy Brendan.'

'Yes. Not really. It just lasted a couple
of weeks or so. I drifted into it. It was a mistake, really. Not even a big
mistake, just a small one. It's just weird that he's turned up again like
this...' Why the fuck were we lying in bed talking about Brendan? 'Who was
before me, then?'

'A woman called Frieda, but that was quite
a long time ago...' And so we were off into safer dangers, telling each other
about past loves, giving each other our secrets the way new lovers do. This one
adored me, this one meant nothing, and this one broke my heart... I once heard
a discussion on the radio, where a man said you could only fall in love three
or four times in your life. I lay there with Nick's arms around me and wondered
how many times I'd been in love. I wondered, was I in love now? How do you know
when you're in love?

A few days later, they arrived
unannounced, ringing my doorbell when I'd just sunk into a hot bath after a
sweaty day up a ladder. I cursed, pulled on an old towelling robe and opened
the door, letting in the damp evening air. Kerry had an eager smile on her
face, and Brendan was brandishing a bunch of flowers. 'Is this a bad time?'

'I was just having a bath.' I pulled my
robe tighter and clutched it at the neck.

'We can make ourselves at home while you
finish,' said Brendan. 'Can't we, Kerry?'

'No, it's OK. Come on in.'

I stepped back reluctantly and they
followed me into the living room. Kerry sat on the sofa, but Brendan stood
squarely in the middle of the room, gazing around proprietorially.

'You've changed where the furniture is.'

'A bit.'

'I liked it better the way it was before.
Don't you want to put the flowers in water?'

'Yes. Thanks.' Actually, I wanted to jam
them into the overflowing bin.

'Have you eaten?' he asked, as if I were
the one who'd come barging in, not him.

'No. I'm not really hungry. I'll have a
snack later.' I took a deep breath, then said, 'Do you want a coffee? Or
something alcoholic?'

'Wine would be nice,' he said.

I took the bottle from the fridge that
Nick had brought round the last time he came.

'Shall I open it for you?'

'I can do it fine.'

He held up his hands in mock alarm. 'Whoa!
Of course you can, Mirrie. I was just being polite.'

I stabbed the corkscrew into the cork and
twisted it down crookedly. When I pulled, only half the cork came out. Brendan
watched me, smiling sympathetically, as I gingerly extracted the crumbled
remains of the cork from the bottle and poured three glasses. He held his up to
the light and carefully picked out a few bits of cork from the wine before
drinking.

'We should have brought a bottle round
ourselves,' said Kerry. 'Because, actually, we have a favour to ask.'

'Yes?' I asked warily.

'Well, something amazing's happened. You
know that man who was coming round a second time to look at my flat on Sunday?'

'Yes.'

'He's made an offer. Only a bit less than
what we were asking.'

'That's brilliant,' I said.

'He seems really keen. And he's a
first-time buyer. He's not in a chain at all.'

'But he is in a hurry,' interjected
Brendan.

'Ah,' I said. I had a horrible, horrible
feeling that I knew where this was going.

'He seems to think,' said Kerry, 'that he
can exchange and complete in a matter of a week or two. He says his solicitor
told him that as long as she can do the search immediately and there's no
problem with the survey, then he could be in by the end of next week.'

'It has been known,' I said dully.

'But Bren's already given up the place he
was renting and we can't move into our new flat by then,' said Kerry, 'though
the owner's in an old people's home and our solicitor promises she'll do it as
quickly as possible.'

'So,' said Brendan, smiling at me. He
poured himself a second glass of wine and took a slurp of it.

'So if that happens, which maybe it won't
anyway, we're in a bit of a fix,' said Kerry. 'And we wondered if we could come
and stay at yours. Only for a few days, a week or two at the very most.'

'What about...?'

'Of course we'd go to Derek and Marcia's,'
said Brendan, 'except their house is going to be a complete bomb site for the
next few months. Well, you know better than us the nightmare that can be to
live in. They might even have to move out for a bit themselves.'

'Would it be possible, Miranda?' asked
Kerry.

I wondered why Kerry wanted to stay with
me in the first place. If it had been the other way round, I would have tried
to keep a safe distance between Brendan and his ex-girlfriend, not put them in
the same small flat together, even if — or especially if — that ex-girlfriend
was my sister. Maybe I just had a more suspicious nature than she did. Or maybe
she was asserting to herself, and to me and Brendan, that she knew she had
nothing to fear. I looked at her, but I couldn't read her expression.

'My flat's so small,' I said hopelessly.
'I haven't even got a spare bedroom.'

'You've got your sofa bed,' said Brendan.

'It might not even happen,' said Kerry.
'And we won't get in your way. We'll keep everything tidy and cook for you, and
you'll hardly notice us before we're gone. A week.'

'Haven't you got friends with a bigger
place? Where you'd be more comfortable.'

'Miranda, you're my sister.' Kerry had
tears in her eyes. She darted a look at Brendan and he took her hand and
stroked it. 'You're
family.
It's not such a big thing we're asking. Mum
and Dad were certain you wouldn't mind. I thought you wouldn't mind. I thought
you might even be
pleased
to have us here. It didn't occur to me that

'Perhaps Mirrie is still finding it
painful,' said Brendan softly.

'What?!'

'We shouldn't have asked you,' continued
Brendan. 'It wasn't fair. Maybe you're not ready for this.'

I squeezed my wine glass so tightly in my
hand I thought it would break.

'But you do kind of owe it to Kerry, don't
you?' His voice was still soft and insinuating. 'After what happened. Mmm?
Mmm?'

'Sorry?' said Kerry.

I stared at Brendan. There was red behind
my eyes and I thought of throwing my wine into his face, of smashing my glass
against his cheek, of kicking him in the legs, punching him as hard as I could
in his belly, pushing him violently out of the door.

'Miranda?' said Kerry. 'Just a few days?'

I turned to her and tried to focus on her
reproachful face. I thought of lying in my bed and knowing Brendan was a few
feet away, on the sofa, with my sister. Of getting up in the morning and seeing
him sitting at the kitchen table, as if he belonged there. Bumping into him on
my way to the bathroom . . . But maybe I could stay with Nick for a night or
two, or even with Laura. Maybe go away for the weekend somewhere. Anywhere.

'All right,' I said. 'One week.'

Kerry gripped my hand, and Brendan came
towards me with outstretched arms. If he touched me, I would scream, vomit,
become violent. I ducked out of reach.

'I'm going to have that interrupted bath
now,' I said. 'Finish your wine.'

The water was tepid, but I lowered myself
into it anyway. I closed my eyes and sank beneath the surface, where I waited
for my heart to stop battering itself against my chest. When I came up for air,
I heard a knocking at the door, Brendan calling my name.

'What?'

'The phone for you. I answered it. Hope
you don't mind.'

'Who is it?' I asked, reaching for a
towel.

'Someone called Nick,' said Brendan. 'He
seemed a bit surprised to get me.'

I yanked open the door and marched through
to the living room. 'I'll take it in my bedroom. You can put it down out here.'

'Is this Nick your new boyfriend?' When I
didn't answer he put his arm around Kerry and pulled her close to him before
saying, 'That's wonderful news, Mirrie. We're so glad for you.'

I pulled sharply at my bedroom door and it
shut with a bang. I picked up the phone.

'Nick?'

'I just wanted to hear your voice. How are
you?'

'All the better for speaking to you,' I
said.

Then I heard breathing. There was someone
on the other line. I waited until there was a small click. A few moments later,
I heard the front door shut.

CHAPTER 9

I leaned over the dishes of curry and
cleared my throat.

'There's something I want to say. It's
nothing serious,' I added, seeing his suddenly wary look. 'I just felt that
when we were talking with Laura and Tony, things came out wrong.'

'It's not a big deal,' Nick said.

'I know it isn't,' I said. 'But I've been
thinking. I want to be completely straight with you.'

'Weren't you being straight?'

'I was, but it came out in a confused way
that felt wrong. So I want to tell you about it in a clear way. It's really
very simple.'

I took a sip of wine and then gave him a
basic digest of what had happened with Brendan and Kerry and my family.

'You see,' I said. 'He was someone I had
no strong feelings about, except maybe that by the end I thought he was a bit
of a creep. But now he's with my sister and everybody's going on about how
she's happier than she's ever been, so, you know...'

'So maybe you're starting to wonder if you
made a mistake.'

'What do you mean?'

'Breaking up with him.'

I pulled a face.

'Oh, God, not for a single second. I broke
up with him assuming I'd never see him again, and now he's part of the
furniture.'

Nick cut a piece of tandoori chicken with
his fork and ate it with deliberation.

'So why did you go out with him if he's a
creep?'

'We only saw each other a few times. Then
I stopped going out with him.'

'It's strange to think of you with someone
like that.'

'Have you never started going out with
someone and then gradually realized that you didn't like them that much after
that?'