Secret Lives (57 page)

I insisted that Kyle and Lou take my big
double bed this time. I'd made the arrangements in advance so they
couldn't argue about it. They'll be here for so long that it's
ridiculous for them to have to sleep in those little separate beds
down in Eden's room. So I'll sleep down there with Eden which is
fine with me. I know she'll end up in my bed every night. Sometimes
she tiptoes up the stairs and sneaks into my bed and only if I wake
in the middle of the night do I know she's done it. I love finding
her there, all sweet-smelling and warm. I wonder then if she comes
to me because she needs me or because she knows I need her?

April 16, 1959

Saturday, Lou took Eden shopping in town.
Eden cried a little when she left me, but she did go, to my relief.
When the car pulled away, Kyle put his arm around me and aimed me
in the direction of the cavern and I knew then that he and Lou had
planned the shopping trip to give Kyle and me a chance to talk.

It's funny. I rarely think anymore about
desire or my needs as a woman. I put all my energy into writing or
the digs or mostly, into Eden, and it seems enough to satisfy me.
But when Kyle put his arm around me it was as if I was one enormous
aching need.

I sat in the rocker with my hands folded and
he sat on the settee.

“
You've done such a good job with Eden,
Kate,” he said. “I can see the shyness is much better. I know it
hasn't been easy raising her without a father.”

“
She's just fine,” I said, though I was
feeling a little guilty since I didn't have much to do with
it.

“
I'm still concerned, though,” Kyle said.
“I don't think you can see a problem with her because you see her
every day. But she's got dark circles around her eyes and her skin
is so white. Her nose is always running. The cave is no good for a
child, Kate. It's no good.”

My hands started fidgeting in my lap. I was
nervous, not knowing what he was leading up to.

“
I can't let it continue,” he said. “We
have to work out a way I can help. It's going to be even worse the
next few years because I'll be responsible for an expedition. I
don't know when I'll be able to get away. So, I want you to come to
Argentina with Lou and me for a visit—I mean a long visit. Several
months. Maybe you could come again next spring before Eden has to
start school. And then again every summer.

I was shocked, my mouth hanging open to my
knees. “Go to Argentina?” I said. “I couldn't go to Argentina for
an afternoon, much less several months.”

“
You made it to New York when you were
motivated enough.”

“
That was years ago, Kyle, and I was
desperate.” I could see that Kyle had no idea how bad things have
gotten for me. I would have to tell him. “I can't even go into
Coolbrook anymore,” I said.

He frowned. “Not at all?”

I shook my head. I felt so ashamed.

“
Kate, do you understand how important
this is for Eden?”

“
Yes.” I knew he was right. She needs
sunshine, she needs to meet people. She needs a different mother. I
started to cry because I thought I would have to send her with Kyle
and Lou, with me staying behind.

“
Kate.” Kyle reached his hand toward me
and I moved over to the settee and sat down next to him. He put his
arm around me. “It will be so good for both of you,” he said. “You
can even bring your typewriter, if you like.”

“
I can't do it, Kyle. A plane ride. Hours
and hours in the air?” I trembled just to think of it. “Kyle, I'll
die.”

“
No, you won't.” He smiled, not taking me
at all seriously. “You'll have Eden with you and you'll have to be
strong for her. And you'll be with me. And with Lou. When have you
ever felt unsafe with us?”

“
When I'm with you, I want you.” Only as
the words came out of my mouth did I know how true they were. I
realized just at that moment that I always hope he will be overcome
by his longing for me, that he will make love to me again. As I sat
there looking at him, his skin so dark, his hair and beard
sun-bleached, his eyes Eden's shade of blue, I felt such an ache
inside me. I just needed to hold him. I would settle for
that.

I turned and put my arms around him and felt
his own arms lock tight around me. His hands pressed against my
back and he kissed my neck, then gently pushed me away.

“
Katie.” He shook his head at me.

“
I know,” I said. “Lou.”

“
No, it's not Lou. Lou would understand.
It's me. In spite of the fact that we got a beautiful daughter out
of making love, it was a terrible thing to do. Please don't try to
tempt me. Don't make me have to say no to you. I want you to come
to Argentina, but I don't want you to come with any expectation of
getting more from me than a brother can give.”

“
All right,” I said. “We'll come.” I
don't know how I will do it, but I know he is right. I'm not sure
which will be harder for me: leaving Lynch Hollow or living close
to Kyle without ever touching him.

May 1, 1959

Ever since I made the decision to go to
Argentina I have seen my little daughter in a new light. For the
first time I can see the circles under her eyes, the whiteness of
her skin. She is a daily reminder that my decision is the right
one. The only one. That's what I tell myself when I start getting
scared.

Kyle took a bone from Rosie's toe yesterday
to send to New York, and while he was in the maze room he
discovered two other skeletons! He is ecstatic and says someday
he'll be working in the Lynch Hollow site again.

May 9, 1959

Last night Kyle, Lou, Eden and I sat for
hours in the cave talking and listening to a record Kyle had of
some Peruvian songs. It was pouring outside and has been for
several days. Kyle and Lou have Eden all fired up about visiting
Argentina. She is a chatterbox around them now and Kyle said we
have to do something about her accent.

“
It's hard to get by in the world when
you sound like you're half asleep all the time,” he said.

Kyle has completely changed the way he
talks. He sounds more like Lou now, though his words fortunately
still have a softness to them, while Lou always sounds hard to
me.

“
I think she speaks just fine,” I
said.

“
The word is f-i-n-e, not f-a-h-n,” he
said.

“
She'd sound pretty strange talking that
way around here,” I said.

“
Well, she's not going to live around
here forever.”

I could see the future laid out in front of
me all of a sudden. Kyle would never cruelly take Eden away from
me, but he will always be able to offer her something more
exciting, something better, than I can. Maybe someday she'll choose
to stay with him. The thought made my heart ache and it must have
shown in my face because Kyle said softly, “Just take things a day
at a time, Kate. Don't worry about tomorrow.”

Eden was sleepy and he lifted her onto the
settee where she quickly fell asleep, her head nestled in the crook
of his arm. We were quiet for a long time. I was thinking that in
three short weeks I would leave my cavern for good.

“
We have to close it up real well,” I
said. “We have to make it impossible for me to get into, otherwise
I'll be right back in here when we get home from Argentina.” I know
this is true. When it comes to the cavern I am as weak as Daddy is
around the bottle.

“
We'll use rocks,” Kyle said. “Boulders.
Don't worry. You'll never be able to get in again.”

I fastened my eyes on Eden, all
flaxen-haired and sleeping like a princess in Kyle's arms. It's for
her, I reminded myself. I've got to do this for her.

The record had stopped and we listened to
the rain splattering the ground outside the cave. Then Lou said,
speaking to both of us: “Will you ever tell her the truth?”

Kyle and I looked at each other. I've
thought about this often. It always hurt me that I didn't know
about my real mama. If it were me in Eden's place, I would want to
know who my parents were. Yet I cannot imagine actually saying
those words to her: “Your Uncle Kyle is really your daddy.”

“
I'd like her to know the truth one day,”
Kyle said.

“
Yes,” I said. “I would too.”

“
She has the right to know,” Kyle
continued. “But how old should she be when we tell her? I'm
thirty-two and I still wouldn't be ready to hear that kind of news
about myself.” Kyle stroked Eden's long hair. “Maybe when she's old
enough to understand how much I love her. Maybe then she'll be
ready to hear it.”

“
My journal,” I said. “Someday I'll give
her my journal and then surely she'll understand.” I felt joy and
relief that I'd kept these notebooks all these years. It seems to
me they explain it all. And I'll know when to give them to her. She
and I will be so close that I'll know the right moment. I won't
have to guess.

May 29, 1959

The storms have finally let up after
toppling trees and swelling the river. Even Ferry Creek has crossed
the field and is creeping up on the pits. Kyle and Daddy have gone
to Coolbrook to lay sandbags in front of the fire station and
library because the Shenandoah's expected to flood by
nightfall.

In two days Kyle, Lou, Eden and I will leave
for Argentina. We have to take three planes to get us there, not
just one. I can't picture me walking up the steps to a plane no
matter how hard I try. Usually I can imagine anything I want, but
this picture refuses to form in my head.

I've broken new ground in the art of being
terrified. I can feel my heart beating clear through my back to the
mattress when I'm in bed at night. I am always trembling and I
can't stand the sight of food. I am quiet about my nervousness, but
Kyle doesn't miss it. He strokes my back and tells me how beautiful
the view is from the sky, how warm the sun is in Argentina.

I am in my beloved cavern for the last time.
Tomorrow Kyle will fill the entrance with rocks. He asked me last
night if I am still sure I want him to do this. He is having second
thoughts, feeling guilty for pushing me into this decision. But I
tell him not to talk about it, just to do it. When Eden and I come
back from Argentina, I won't need this cave any longer. I will be a
different person. After six plane rides and two months in a new
place where no one speaks English, I will either be different or
I'll be dead!

Eden is in here with me. She is so excited
about the trip. She's on the settee right now, playing with little
wooden dolls Kyle and Lou brought her that fit one inside the
other. She's talking to them and to herself. What changes there are
in store for her. What adventure! It makes me smile to think of
what the next two months will be like for her. In no time at all,
she'll have roses in her cheeks, Kyle says. And he says that
children pick up foreign languages quickly. She'll be teaching me
Spanish in a few weeks.

I'm watching my wan-faced angel entertaining
herself on the old settee and thinking she deserves far better than
this and she will have it. Oh Kyle, slap those rocks against the
entrance to this cave and push me on that plane! It will all be
worth it. There's no sacrifice too great for someone you love.

“
Mama,” Eden just said to me. “I don't
steal.”

Her forehead had a little crease across it
and I could tell she's been fretting about this for a while
now.

“
I know you don't steal,” I said. “You're
an honest girl.”

“
But Uncle Kyle says I'll steal
everybody's heart in Argentina.”

I laughed. “He just means that everybody in
Argentina is going to love you.”

“
Oh,” she said. “Does Uncle Kyle steal
everybody's heart too?”

“
I don't know about that,” I said. “But
he stole mine a long time ago.”

“
Mine too,” she said, and went back to
her dolls. I can't help but wonder if she has any idea how

Eden turned the page, but it was blank. She
leafed through the rest of the notebook, but the pages were
yellowed and empty.

“Oh, Ben.” She buried her head against his
neck and felt the warmth of his arms around her, but he was quiet
and she imagined that the picture in his mind was the same as in
hers: Kate stopping her pen in midsentence, looking up from her
notebook, startled, as she heard the water break over the entrance
to the cave. She must have gone to look, must have seen the water
pouring in, rushing at her, rushing…

“Eden,” Ben said. “I'm sorry.”

She raised her head to look at him. “I have
to see Kyle,” she said, and he nodded.

“You don't need me there,” he said. “Take the
truck.” She got out of bed and pulled on her jeans, and when she
leaned over to kiss him he caught her hand and sat her down next to
him.

“Go see Kyle,” he said. “But then come back
to me, okay?”

“Yes.” She lifted his hand to her lips.

“We've both been hurt too much by the past,
Eden,” he said. “It's time to put the suffering behind us.”

–
49–

Lou and Cassie were already at their easels
when she reached Lynch Hollow. Lou looked up from her work and
without even waiting for Eden's question said, “He's at Ferry
Creek.”

She drove the truck back out to the road and
down to Ferry Creek. The field was gone, buried beneath the
deepening waters of the once docile creek. She saw Kyle sitting on
the top step of the footbridge, watching the angry sea below
him.

The water lapped at both sides of the road as
she parked the truck and got out. She felt as though she was on a
long, narrow island as she walked toward the bridge. Kyle hung on
to the wires to keep his balance as she climbed the steps, the
bridge swaying gently beneath her weight. At the top step she
turned and sat next to him. Across the field, directly in front of
them, the water poured into the entrance of the cavern.