Secret Lives (43 page)

“
Don't worry, they're well hidden.” I
told him where they were and he seemed reassured.

Kyle left again this morning. He promised to
write more often and to try to get back here as much as he can.
That's all I want, all I would ever ask of him.

May 22, 1955

I miss Matt. I cannot even write my stories,
I'm so preoccupied with thoughts of him. Friends of Daddy's have
finished the second story and I'm moving the bed that belonged to
Matt's parents into the big bedroom that was meant for both of
us.

June 12, 1955

Last night, Eden Swift Riley made her
journey into the world. My labor was long (“Swift is the wrong
middle name for her,” said the midwife), but hardly worth writing
about now that she's here. She is beautiful and perfect, as I was
certain she would be. She has white fuzz on her head and big blue
eyes. She is delicate and dainty—not quite seven pounds with skin
as white as sugar. Her head is nearly perfectly round, which the
midwife says is a miracle, since my labor was so long. I can't wait
for Kyle to see her. We had a phone put in just last week and Daddy
called and left a message with the manager at Kyle's apartment
house.

June 18, 1955

Kyle and Louise arrived late last night.
They will stay several weeks, then join Professor Latterly in
Colombia.

I was sleeping when they arrived and Kyle
woke me up and sat next to me on the big bed. He took Eden on his
knees and just stared into her little face.

“
I can't believe it,” he said over and
over again. He was smiling. We were both smiling and I thought of
how long it's been since there was happiness between us. Kyle
looked for all the world like a proud daddy and Eden played her
role well, yawning and gurgling, looking up at him as if she knew
that no matter what anyone told her from this day forward, this man
was her father.

We talked a long time, like we used to. He
told me he will marry Lou, that he knows he's found the right woman
for him and the reason he knows that is because she reminds him of
me! I thought of the skinny, cigarette-smoking woman I met in his
apartment and asked him what he meant.

“
Not physically,” he said. “But she's the
type of person who pays no attention to the rules of society if she
doesn't agree with them. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of
her. She's creative, like you are, though she's an artist and
dancer rather than a writer. She's not reclusive, but in other ways
she's very much like you. She knows Eden is mine,” he said. “After
Matt's funeral I told her everything.”

“
What did she say?”

Kyle shrugged. “She wasn't the least bit
shocked. She cried a little. She said I should be the best uncle I
can possibly be.”

At first I wished he hadn't brought Louise
with him. I didn't want to share him for these two weeks. But this
morning I was sitting in the rocker on the front porch when Lou
came and sat down next to me. She looks completely different to me
now, although I know she actually looks the same. She had on
dungarees and a black sleeveless shirt and she smoked one cigarette
after another while we talked. Her face is pretty—very thin, with
pointed cheekbones and round blue eyes. When she speaks, her accent
is hard, but her voice soft.

“
I love your brother, and he loves me,”
she began. “But nobody in the world, including me, is going to take
your place in his heart. If you had not been raised as brother and
sister, there's no doubt in my mind that he would choose you over
me or anyone else.”

I thanked her for telling me that. It was a generous thing
to say, and I can see now why Kyle is in love with her. I told her
I wasn't sure she was right, though. I said Kyle was always
bothered by the fact that I preferred to be alone than to be out
among people. I told her that my greatest
fear is that I might turn Eden into a
hermit as well.

Lou suggested I learn how to drive, that I
buy a car with some of the money from the sale of Matt's house so I
could get out more. Ha! That's quite a joke. I figure that no
matter how well Kyle described me to her, she doesn't quite have
the picture of me yet.

This afternoon Kyle, Lou and I walked Eden
in her carriage over to the cavern. Lou was fascinated and wanted a
geological description of the tites and mites, which I provided
while Kyle sat on the sunlit ground outside the cave holding—and
staring at—his daughter. He cannot take his eyes off her and I
don't blame him.

June 23, 1955

Daddy and Susanna dislike Lou and they do
not hide their feelings well. She talks about the plight of poor
people (she means city poor, not like the poor we used to be) and
of colored people. She speaks of Mozart and Picasso. She is too
worldly for the likes of Daddy and Susanna. I enjoy listening to
her though. She is not at all afraid to speak her mind.

June 24, 1955

Daddy told Kyle he'd like Lou out of the
house, that she is upsetting Susanna. I think it is more Daddy
that's upset. He's grown irritable this last year and he spends too
much time with the bottle. I am afraid Kyle and Lou will leave
early and I've begged Daddy not to make a fuss.

June 27, 1955

Lou asked me last night if she could hold
Eden and only then did I realize she had not yet held her. I
thought maybe she was just not the mothering type, but after I
watched her and Kyle cooing and clucking over Eden, I realized she
had just not wanted to step in too soon. She and Kyle told me they
don't plan on having children because they'll be traveling too
much. Watching them with Eden I knew what a loss that will be for
them. It makes Eden even more important for Kyle, for both of them
I guess. I'm more than willing to share her. After all, he is her
father.

I'm not jealous of Lou, except sometimes
when I see Kyle touch her and feel that old longing leap up inside
me before I can check it. I think Kyle is very careful not to touch
her around me. They are both careful not to hurt me.

June 28, 1955

We are getting indoor plumbing with some of
the money from Matt's house. Luxury! Kyle is putting the rest in a
special bank account for Eden to use when she's ready for college.
He says she won't be a charity case like we were, thanks to Matt.
Kyle and Lou are leaving on Friday for New York and Sunday for
Colombia. Colombia is a painful distance from Lynch Hollow.

July 6, 1955

I can write again! For the first time since
Matt died, I want to get back to the book I was working on. Eden is
in her little bassinet with cotton in her teensy ears so the typing
doesn't bother her too much. It's hot outside, but cool in here.
I'm so grateful I have Eden. I would be very lonely without her. I
want to be a good mother. Kyle gave me a camera before he left for
Colombia. He doesn't want to miss out on seeing Eden grow up, and I
take one picture after another of her. Daddy says I give her too
much attention, I hold her too much, I'm going to spoil her. I told
him that's my intention: I plan to spoil her rotten.

August 15, 1955

Kyle and Lou were married on my birthday. It
was a Tuesday and people thought they were odd to get married
midweek, but they were set on my birthday. I can't believe my good
fortune that Kyle met a woman like Lou. Imagine how different
things would be if she were the type of woman (like most women) who
he could not tell about Eden. Instead, his letters are warm and
loving, never mentioning the ultimate secret of course, but
everything I read between the lines these days is good.

–
38–

When she woke up, she was half lying, half
sitting on the sofa, the notebook clutched to her chest, and Ben
was gently shaking her shoulder. It was still dark outside and the
only light in the cabin was from the moon. Her head was foggy, but
the journal came back to her like bits and pieces of a dream as Ben
walked her across the floor to his bed. She slipped between the
sheets and settled into his arms.

“I don't want her to die,” she said.

“Who?”

“My mother. I want to change the ending. I
don't want her to leave me.” She felt him tighten his arms around
her, pull her closer. “The end is so close,” she said. “I'm going
to lose her all over again."

When she woke up a second time, she was alone
in the bed and the smell of bacon was in the air. Ben looked over
at her from the kitchen.

“Get dressed,” he said. “I'm making our
cholesterol fix for the week.”

Her head felt very clear. She took a shower,
put on her white shorts and a white T-shirt, and joined Ben at the
table. “Charlotte's gone,” she said.

He nodded. “I noticed yesterday. I think she
figured you were here for the duration and I don't need her
anymore.”

She set her bare foot on his knee under the
table. “I have to go over to Kyle and Lou's,” she said. “I need to
ask them if Cassie and I can stay with them until your job here is
up and you've got something else to go to. Then I'm going to call
Nina to tell her I'm putting the film on the shelf indefinitely.
I'll read the scripts she sent. Get back on track.”

He stared at her while she spoke, a chunk of
omelet balanced on the tines of his fork. When she was finished he
smiled. “I guess I'd better get serious about looking for a new
job.”

“If you insist on working, yes, you'd
better.”

“Where would you like me to look?
Geographically, I mean. Florida? New England?”

“It doesn't matter, Ben.” She wondered how
long it would take him to realize that she truly didn't care at
all.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Nina said,
slowly, biting off each word. Eden could picture her at the other
end of the line, gnashing her teeth, pulling her hair. “You were
all gung ho on this thing and now you're quitting?”

“That's right. So which script is best? Which
do you want me to look at first?”

“Look, kiddo, we need to have a long talk. Do
you have reservations for your flight back? I'll pick you up and we
can—"

“I'm not coming back, Nina. I'm staying here
until Ben finds another job, and then I'm going with him, wherever
that is.”

There was silence on Nina's end.

“Nina?”

“This guy have you drugged or what?”

“Just tell me which script to start
with.”

Nina sighed. “Read Treasure House. It's
written for you. I mean literally. John Packwood said he had you in
mind the whole time. I don't think he'll do it without you.”

“I'll let you know what I think.”

She drove to Lynch Hollow that afternoon. It
was not the first time she'd seen Kyle and Lou since moving in with
Ben, but it was the first time she intended to hold a conversation
with them. She found them sitting on the back deck.

“I just wanted to clear my plans with you,”
she said, sitting on the edge of one of the redwood lounge chairs.
It was hard for her to look Kyle in the eye. “I've made some
decisions. I'm not moving back to California. I'll have to go back
to sell the house and work on the Children's Fund and maybe do a
movie from time to time. But I'll live wherever Ben can find
another job.” She brushed a ladybug from her shorts and said,
almost as an afterthought, “And I'm not going to make the film
about my mother.”

Lou glanced at Kyle, but neither of them
spoke, and Eden continued.

“Cassie will be here next week,” she said.
“I'd like to stay here with her at Lynch Hollow, but if you'd
rather, she and I can find a place in Coolbrook.” Coolbrook would
have been her first choice, but she'd already spoken to a realtor
and learned it would be difficult to find a rental for just a few
months.

“Of course you'll stay here,” Lou said.

Eden looked at Kyle. “Kyle?”

“We want you here, Eden. I would hope you'd
know that by now.”

“There's a foldaway bed you can set up for
Cassie in the little room upstairs,” said Lou.

“That'll be great,” Eden said. “She has a
kitten. Ben said he can keep it at his cabin if you'd rather
not…”

“A kitten is fine.” Lou smiled.

Eden stood up. “Okay. Thanks.”

“I'll walk you out.” Kyle stood up and
followed her into the house. At the front door he set his hand on
her elbow and she turned to face him. “A few things worry me,
honey,” he said. “Just let an old man say his piece, all
right?”

She folded her arms across her chest like
armor.

“I'm worried about you rushing into something
permanent with Ben when you're upset.”

“I'm not upset. And I'm not rushing.”

“He may never be able to get another job, and
that is the honest truth. I've called people, tried to drum
something up for him, but no one wants anything to do with him. I
mention his name and they laugh out loud.”

She winced.

“Have you thought about what you'll do with
Cassie when you have to travel to California or wherever? You could
leave her home with Wayne with no problem, but with Ben?”

“What are you insinuating, Kyle? He's
innocent. You said so yourself.”

“I know that, and you know that, but the rest
of the world is pretty convinced otherwise and you'll be putting
him in a very awkward position. People will be watching Cassie for
a sign that he's hurt her.”

“Are you trying to split us up?”

“I'm just not sure you know what you're
getting yourself into.”

“I'm fine, Kyle. I haven't jumped into this
blindly.” She opened the screen door and stepped onto the
porch.

“I'm very disappointed about the film, Eden,”
Kyle said from behind the screen. “I think you would have done an
excellent job with it.”

Over the next few days she bought clothes and
toys for Cassie, kitty litter and food for the kitten, jeans and
tennis shoes for Ben. “Don't think of this as charity,” she said
when she handed him the clothes. “I'm enjoying myself.”