Secret Life (RVHS Secrets) (21 page)

Chapter
29

I settled into the overstuffed chair and ran my hands along
the arms, just one more nervous habit I carried. You’d think three months of
two-a-week outpatient meetings would cure that as well.
But
no.
I wrapped my hand around the polished nut I wore around my neck. No
one but me thought my
a-nut-for-a-nut
joke was funny. Seventy-six days—you’d think these people would get their sense
of humor back by now.

“So, Rachel.
Congratulations.” Dr.
Meadows grinned at me. She really was happy. “You’re down to two visits per
week. That’s a big jump in a short time. How do you feel about that?”

“Not bad. It’s nice not to have to come in every night—you
know, because of homework and school.” I stopped, letting the real answers soak
in. “It feels good to come in though. You know? There’s a place I know I’m
going to deal with this crap. And you’re going to make sure I don’t freak out.”

“So, any freak outs lately?”

Not a one. Not a quiver. Okay, quivers, but nothing extreme.

I walked Dr. Meadows through my week which, after the
earthquake causing downward spiral that had been my life, quivers I could
handle.
Then came decision time.
I’d known it was
coming and wasn’t sure what to say.

But that was new too. Dr. Meadows was more my partner this
time around, not just the woman I had to get by each session to try to move to
the other side of everything.

“We talked about lowering your medication dose this week.
What do you think?” She sincerely wanted to know.

That was another thing I finally got. This therapy was not
just about me. It was for me and with me.

“I’m scared to death.” As soon as the words were out, I
started laughing. I remembered scared to death and I’m pretty sure this wasn’t
anywhere close. “In a few weeks the three month stay-away thing with Chris is
over, and I may need the meds to get me through that. Or I may need to lower
the dose a little to get a real vibe on how I’m feeling about him. To make sure
I’m not running on the emotions from before and making decisions based on
that.”

She was doing that nodding and writing thing.

Yeah, that still bothered me. I was
so
buying her a pen. I like the idea of an Ironic Thank You gift.

Then she did the wait me out thing. That
really
still bothered me.

“And,” I kept going. Might as well get it all out there
since she knows it’s coming anyway. “There’s always the chance that he’s over
it. Or not ready.
Or both.
And then will I need the
extra help of the meds for that? I don’t know.
Maybe?
Probably?
I hope not? I don’t know.”

She nodded. “I can’t answer that for you. I
can
tell you I’m really proud of you.
Not just because you’re doing well, but because you’re doing it honestly. I
know we’re heading in the right direction no matter what.” She cocked an
eyebrow at me over her glasses. “You’re not calling it in this time.”

So true.
So, so
true.

Chapter
30

“What kind of call was that? He wasn’t close to
offsides
! Are you even watching the same game?”

Amy glanced up at where I stood, the stopwatch swinging
wildly from my hand.

“You saw that, right?” I asked.

“Coach is going to throw you off the field. You know how he
feels about you yelling at the refs.”

I
so
didn’t need
her laughing at me. Not tonight. Tonight was the final game of the winter
season. Chris had talked Luke and Ben into playing a cross-town indoor league
as he got himself back in shape for walk-on tryouts at Monroe College in case
he didn’t get the call. Coach had come along claiming he couldn’t let all his
work be ruined by some part-time-
wanna
-be-dad-with-good-intentions-but-no-talent
coach.

The big softy.

Chris was driving me home after the game. It was going to be
the first time—unless you count Ben’s hover from five feet away two months
earlier—we’d been alone since that talk in Coach Johnson’s office three months
before.

“As if Coach can hear me over his own
screaming.
Plus, my language is
no where
near
as bad as his.”

I glanced at the stopwatch. I did
not
need this kind of pressure tonight. I’d been hoping for a nice
clean win, not this back and forth thing going on here. I guess that’s why both
teams were in the league championships.

All our guys had to do was hold their one goal lead for less
than a minute.

My eyes flicked from the watch to the Astroturf covered
field.
Back and forth.
I couldn’t believe it. It was
almost over and we were going to win.

Two more shots on goal.
Amy
scribbled the stats next to me as I watched that second hand pound closer to
the top. I raised the air horn, not taking any chances that a moment could cost
us the game.

And then it was over. We’d won. The team rushed the field.
The crowd rushed the field. After Amy had finished scribbling notes, she rushed
the field…okay, to be
honest,
Amy rushed right to
Luke, but same difference, right?

Me? I couldn’t move. I was terrified and excited all at
once. My fingers wrapped around the small, silver hardware hanging around my
neck. It had been a compass.
Just like Chris had promised, a
reminder that I was strong, that
I
held
myself together.

Chris slipped from the crowd and jogged my way, his grin so
fresh, so new and young it stole my breath away.

It slipped a little as he neared, but the excitement still
rolled off him. He stopped so close I could see the little rivulets of sweat
running down his neck. He didn’t reach for
me,
he just
stood there, looking excited and worried.

“You’ll be here after I change?”

I’d been waiting three months for this. I wasn’t going
anywhere. And yet, all I could do was nod.

“Great.” He stepped closer and I could feel the heat coming
off him through the cold of the winter-chilled auditorium.
“Really
great.”

And then he was gone, up the stairs to the gym’s back door.

The crowd thinned out fairly quickly, heading to parties and
out for food. I sat on the bleachers as I watched them become more and more
deserted around me, wondering if I’d been stood up.

Dr. Meadows and I talked a lot about that. About what would
happen if at the end of this new trial run Chris and I weren’t in the same
place.

I was as ready as I could be.

The last three months had been long…and they’d flown by. Any
time we were together was in a group. My friends—our friends—rock. Between Amy,
Luke, Justin, Ben and Ben’s friend Emma, we were always out.
Always
together but not.
They even made sure numbers were always odd so nothing
felt like a kind-of-date.

The whole time we hadn’t talked about it.
About
us.
Not even about how each of us was doing. We didn’t spend any time
alone together—which annoyed Coach because that meant he had to find Chris a
new tutor and that guy wasn’t half as good as me. We both went to our sessions
and followed the rules.

Never in the history of history had there
been two people with so many rules.

But I was going to do it right this
time
.
No
crutches,
do the work, get off the meds if I could.

I’d admitted to myself I wasn’t insane. My sister carried an
epi
for her allergies, and this was no different. It
was just a different kind of issue.

I was where I needed to be. I had prepared to be in as good
a place as I could be if Chris’s idea of this talk and mine were different.

I was putting on a fresh-fresh-fresh coat of Swiss Kiss when
the heavy tread of a guy slowed to a stop behind me.

“Hey.” He was still so beautiful it took my breath away, but
it no longer stressed me out. Knowing him was all that mattered now.

“Ready?” I asked, praying that he was.

I was sure he was still living with the Parkers when he
opened the door to his Acura for me.

We pulled out of the almost empty lot and headed away from
town.
Away from everyone else.

There was only one place I wanted to be, but I didn’t want
to push him somewhere he didn’t want to go. So much had happened at the bridge.
It felt like our whole lives had happened there in some ways.

When he hit the road winding along the river, I forced
myself to relax. No matter what the outcome was, he was bringing us to the
place we both felt safest.

The weeds along the almost-dirt road had grown up again in
the time we’d been gone. There’d been so many nights I’d almost gone there
searching for the peace, but just couldn’t bring myself to go alone.

He turned the car so the lights hit the water before
shutting them off. We sat there in his reclaimed Acura for a few moments.
Just sat there.
The motor running, the
heat on.

Any second, hope could be gone, so why rush it?

“I’m sorry,” I finally said when I couldn’t take it
any more
.

Even with the distance between us, I felt him stiffen.

“For what?”

So many things.
I couldn’t even
list them all in my mind.

“For not being up front with you.
For telling you only half-truths.”

His shoulders dropped and he turned in his seat to face me.

“That’s
what
you’re sorry about?”

Oh, no. What did he want me to be sorry about? I nodded,
afraid to push my luck.

“I thought you were going to say you were sorry, but you
couldn’t have anything to do with me.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Are
you going to say that?”

“I don’t think so.”

He reached across and took my hand, toying with my fingers
and studying them with a daunting focus.

“Rachel, here’s the deal. I want this more than I’ve ever
wanted anything. I hope you think we’re both in the right place to start out,
to take it slow. I’m really hoping that because I’m not sure what my heart will
do if you say no.”

Thank God.
Thank God.
I was so relieved I couldn’t speak. I just swiped at the tears coming down my
cheeks and nodded.

He got that goofy grin, the one that I knew no one would
believe the gorgeous, popular jock Chris Kent had.

“Good.” He brought my hand up and kissed the scars across
the back.
“So good.”

“Yeah,” I finally managed to say.

“We’ll just stick to the rules, play it safe.” He watched me
a long moment, waiting for a sign probably.

I nodded, afraid of words ruining what was
seeming
too good to be my new reality.

“So, so good.”
His other hand came
up to touch my cheek, to fill his palm with my damp skin. And then, he kissed
me. Not like our last kiss. It wasn’t desperate to find something, or to fill a
need we didn’t understand. It was a promise.

He pulled away, but not so far that I felt the fear again.
“I want you to feel safe with me. Tell me how you’re doing. I want you to know
you can trust me.”

“I do,” I said before he could continue. I wasn’t even
scared to admit it. I knew he was getting help, and I’d watched him for three
months.

And had Amy watch him.

And Amy had had Luke watch him.

I’m pretty sure Ben was in on the watching as well.

Chris may not know it, but he was the most secretly observed
guy in the RV.

“But I want you to
know
.”
He paused, laying his head sideways against the headrest but still looking at
me, studying me. “The thing I worry about the most is that I hurt you.”

His thumb rubbed over the scars on my hand and wrist again,
a harsh reminder to both of us.

I clasped my free hand over his, stopping the way he
caressed the thing that showed everyone what I’d done…how far out of control
I’d gotten.

“You didn’t do this.” I could claim my own mistakes.

“
Rach
, you didn’t do it either. We
were like throwing pure sodium in water. An explosion was going to happen any
way you look at it.” His thumb caressed my skin again, passing over places that
were still tender and places I couldn’t really feel.

My heart sped up, but not in that scary panic way.

“But…”

Oh, no. How could there be
a
but
on the end of that?

“I’ve learned a lot. This,” he waved his hand between us,
grouping us, connecting us. “I talked to my therapist and kind of thought maybe
sex is something we shouldn’t deal with till next year.
If
we’re ready.
I may become kind of old-fashioned about this.”

He laughed off the last sentence.

It took a second for all that to settle in. It could have
been the word sex that stopped me. Or the really worried look he had as he said
those things. But I think it was the last part that had me brain-stalling.
Again.

“Next year?”

“Yeah.
I mean, if something were to
happen, we’d be in a better place to handle it. Because,” he leaned in and
kissed me once more, just a quick touch of our lips. “We’re both still getting
better. And—” He cleared his throat, those ears turning pink.

There was more?

“And, remember how I said I…to forget everything, I’d…”

I wrapped my hand around his this time, knowing this sharing
and fear and strength needed to go both ways between us. “Yes.”

“I don’t need it because you’re everything. Not in a scary
stalker way. I mean, there’re still my friends and my family and stuff. But,
there’s only one person—one you—who makes me feel so much. The way I feel about
you feels like too much and not enough at the same time.”

I was crying again. I mean, what girl wouldn’t be when the
guy she’s crazy for tells her she’s
everything
?

“Rachel?”

I waved a hand for him to keep going, too churning inside to
talk.

“I’m hoping,” he continued, “that you’ll feel the same way
about me by then. I just know I have more stuff to work on before
we
…”

For someone who’d done
it
a lot, he sure couldn’t talk about it. Or maybe, this new respect of what sex
could mean had him as confused and nervous as I was.

“Well, it’s a good thing that’s not the only thing we’re
waiting for, because this car is not the romantic setting I’m expecting from
you.”

That goofy smile he was too cool to show anyone else popped
back out.

He didn’t look expectant or pushy. I think he seriously
didn’t expect me to tell him anything. But, after that, how could I not? I
mean, this was the guy who went to his doctor an extra time to ask about BDD so
he could be good to me.

I cleared my throat, hoping I could loosen up words I didn’t
know were in there.

“So…”
Great start, Rachel.
“I need
you to know, too.”

I reached out for him, his hand already rising to meet mine.

“Rachel, you don’t need to.”

“Actually, I do.” I just hadn’t realized I did. “I need to
tell you. Not just because you just shared so much. But, because it’s good for
me and good for us.”

That large, warm hand gave mine a squeeze as Chris laid his
head against the headrest again and settled in.

“I’m better.
Better than I’ve been in
years.
My mom and Dr. Meadows and I decided together to keep me on the
meds. Not because I couldn’t come off them, but because there’s so much going
on now and I need to stay focused. I still get…fluttery in my gut about stuff.
But, I see it coming now. It’s like driving and seeing the road instead of
trying to steer from the back of a bus. And, I want to stay even as we…”

I was still too afraid to hold on to him I realized. Not because
I didn’t trust him, but because my own track record was such a mess.

“Because we’re a big change?”
He
asked it as if it weren’t a huge life-shift moment.

And he was right. It wasn’t that we were too much. Or wrong.
It’s just that we were both driving without a map for the first time.

“Yeah, change.”

And suddenly, so many things clicked I was shocked he
couldn’t hear the gears grinding in my head. “But, change is good.”

We both kind of looked at each other for a quiet moment
before that smile broke out again.

“Yeah.
Change is our friend.” He
brushed my hair away from my face, leaving his hand there to stroke my cheek.
“But, I’m hoping it doesn’t hurt to tell you I’m feeling done with all this
courting-from-a-distance stuff.”