Second Thoughts (21 page)

No, he didn't know. But
I
knew. I wanted to cry, like this was all my fault. Like I was protecting Sententia secrets when I
should have
been protecting my friends. Sententia or not, one of my dorm girls or not, I
should
have warned him. “Oh, Caleb.” I touched the back of his hand that was gripping his phone too tightly. “Listen to me. I should have said this before now, but you have to be careful of Mandi. She's…got history.”

“I know all about it,” he said, nodding, but I knew that couldn't possibly be true. “I feel bad for her.” I opened my mouth to say something,
but he held up his hand. “I
know
Amy wants me to stop working with her, and maybe she'd be less crazy but…” He shrugged. “I guess I like it. She actually tries to do the work. And then when she says how much she likes working with
me
because I don't try to flirt with her, I guess I feel bad handing her off to someone else. Which might be kind of pathetic, considering what I just admitted I was thinking.”

I wondered just what kind of story Mandi had told Caleb about her past, but then, I
didn't
know the whole story either. “Maybe you should think about letting them reassign her anyway,” I suggested. “Maybe to a girl. Just think about it, okay? Working with her might be good for her, but it doesn't seem to be good for
you.”

“Yeah, I…yeah.” He leaned his shoulders against the wall of the Chapel and looked dejected. The tip of his nose was red from the cold. I knew I should have been shivering by now, too, but I was too worked up to feel it. “First Amy, now you too. Jesus, Lane, this is frustrating. I didn't think I was the kind of guy who'd think…things about a girl who wasn't Amy. But then she started to treat me like I was, and now I guess she's right. Will you tell her?”

I leaned up on the wall next to him and let my shoulder touch his. “I don't think so,” I said. “But maybe you should. Maybe you should
really
talk about this.”

“Yeah.”

“And for the record, I
don't
think you're the kind of guy you're starting to think you are.
That's
what I'm going to tell Amy. Just…don't let Mandi get under your skin either. She's not as sweet as she seems. Trust me on that. Try to think of her as your little sister.”

He made a noise that was some sad combination of a laugh and a sigh. “Carter said sort of the same thing to me a while ago. Except, you know, I don't
have
a little sister.” With another tug of his hair he said, “I wish I hadn't thought that, earlier. Or I could scrub it out of
my memory or something. But it's too late, right? How do you kill a memory once it's already there?”

Kill a memory.

Kill a memory that's already there.

Before I responded, he'd pushed off the wall, standing up straight and slipping his bag back over one shoulder. “I've got to go. I'm late for practice. So are you, I guess. Thanks for…” He shook his head, like he wasn't sure which things to thank me for. “Just, thanks,” he repeated and took off for the gym while I still stood, mind whirling with the strangest sense of déjà vu. Where had I heard that before?

How do you kill a memory that's already there?

I
actually skipped practice completely and went to my room, where I was unsurprised to find Amy crying on her bed. She was surprised to see me, though, and sat up quickly, scrubbing tears from her eyes while stuttering.

“I…just…um. Shit.” She flopped back down onto her mountain of pillows. They were all different from last year's but there were no fewer of them. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here, remember?” I joked, but my heart wasn't really in it. I went and laid down next to her on her bed. It was a tight fit, but she moved over to make room for me. “I skipped practice,” I admitted.

“Why?”

“Because I ran into Caleb on the way in.” She squeezed her eyes shut but didn't say anything. “I thought my roommate might need a cheerleader more than the volleyball team right now.”

“What'd he say?”

I'd promised I wouldn't tell her what I'd seen or, worse,
thought
I'd seen, or, worst of all, what Caleb had admitted, but I could tell her
something.
“He said nothing surprising: he loves you but sometimes you make him crazy.”

She rolled over onto her side, facing the wall while she hugged a pillow to her chest. “He makes me crazy too, you know.”

“I know.” I rubbed circles on her back.

“He canceled on me tonight. So, I'll be here. Sorry.”

“It's not a big deal.”

“Yeah it is.”

“It's not a big deal
to me.”

She giggled and glanced over her shoulder at me. “Carter will probably mind a little.”

“He'll survive.”

It was supposed to be, as Amy liked to call it, “date night.” I knew it was silly that I kept risking getting caught sneaking Carter into my room when we could really do whatever we wanted at his apartment, but I just couldn't handle the fact that his aunt and uncle lived there too. They felt too much like parents and I felt weird when we even closed the door to his bedroom, whether we were fooling around or not. I was sure they knew what was going on when Carter came to my dorm, but that weirded me out less than them knowing it was going on at their house.

She sighed again. “Caleb didn't even want to this afternoon.”

“Ame, geez.”

“That's not like him. He always wants to.” And that was probably true. Actually, that was probably true of most guys, but Caleb and Amy were the couple who were
always
fooling around. All our friends joked about it. Hell, all of
campus
joked about it. When they'd gotten together last year, the bonfire they were
supposed
to be tending had almost burned out of control. Usually Amy joked about it too.

I tried to lighten the mood. “Maybe he
is
tired, Ame. You're a lot to keep up with.”

And it backfired completely. She started sniffling again. “I know I'm not as skinny as other girls, okay? I get it.”

“That's not…Ame.” I touched her shoulder and when that failed to elicit a response, I just went ahead and hugged her. “You
know
that's not what I meant.”

“It's true though. I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be. I can't be skinny like you and Alexis and…and Mandi.”

There it was. I wasn't going to say her name but I knew Amy would bring it up eventually. Alexis and I weren't really the problem. Amy “hated” the two of us for our long legs and skinny asses all the time. I mean, she hated Alexis for plenty of things, but not, actually, because she was beautiful.

With Mandi, it was different. Mandi was Amy's opposite, and all the things Amy sometimes wished she could be. Mandi was maybe close to Amy's height, but where Amy bought a medium or sometimes a large, Mandi was an extra-small. She had straight blond hair and blue eyes and probably could get away with not wearing a bra.

Most of the time I thought Amy knew how gorgeous she was. She joked how guys loved her for her boobs and her laugh, and she was never afraid to flaunt either. But when she felt bad, she felt all wrong. We all had those moments. Amy felt fat. And like her pretty brown curls were frizzy, and her perfect eyebrows were too Italian, and her D+ cup breasts were the
only
thing guys liked about her. Comparing herself to Mandi just amplified all of those feelings.

“No one wants you to look like me, or Mandi.”

“No? Then why did my boyfriend turn down—”

“Jesus! Ame. I
don't
need the details. And I may not know much, but I know if you think a guy loves you only for how you look or what you
do
for him,
he doesn't love you!
Caleb loves
you,
all of you. Give him a little credit. Give you a little credit too.”

“God,” she sniffed. “What's wrong with me? When did I become this girl?”

“You're
not
this girl. This isn't you, and I, for one, would like
you
back. So would Caleb. Maybe start by trusting him.”

She disentangled herself from my arms then and we sat up. “You're right,” she said, rubbing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. “You're right. And I think I
do
trust Caleb. I do. I just don't trust Mandi Worthington.”

“That's okay. I don't trust her either. She's bad news, even though I'm not supposed to say that about my mentees. But you still have to trust Caleb.”

“You're right,” she repeated and gave me one more swift hug. “Thank you for skipping practice.”

With a tug of one of her curls and a smile, I got up from the bed. “Any time.”

Behind me, she flopped backward on her pillows again and rolled in my direction, watching me. “There are days, Lane, I mean, look at you—why can't I be attracted to
you?
It would be so much simpler. We could push our beds together and never have to sneak anywhere.”

“Date night every night?” I laughed.

“Exactly!”

“I'm not so easy to cuddle with this monstrous cast on.”

She made a face and rubbed a spot on her ribs. “I know. I think you left a bruise. But it's perfect for clubbing our enemies!” We laughed together, and for that minute, it felt like everything was perfect. When we stopped, Amy sobered. “Seriously though, thank you. And I was only half joking. You're hot, and I really do wonder sometimes if the boys are worth it.”

Did I ever understand that. “I hope they are.”

D
INNER LATER WAS
an odd affair, with Amy and Caleb in an unresolved fight that basically no one knew about. They were themselves, but strained, not looking at each other when they laughed at jokes. I
don't know if anyone else noticed, but to me it was like there were feet of space between them though they sat right next to each other. Their shoulders didn't touch, and neither stole anything from the other's plate.

Finally, when we were all just about ready to leave, Caleb leaned over and whispered in Amy's ear. She stiffened, then nodded. They left together and I watched them go, trying not to look as worried as I was. But as they were walking out the dining hall doors, Caleb slipped his hand into Amy's and her whole face brightened. Maybe this would be a
good
talk.

Her text came in just before the curfew bells started to ring.

be back late. staying here for a while tonight. just to sleep. xoxo

I was glad. I thought sleeping together without
sleeping together
would be good for them. Just being close to each other. It meant Carter could have come over, and I could still have called him, but I thought I could use the time alone. To think.

I pushed my notebook away and tilted back in my chair, staring at the cracked plaster of the old building's high ceiling.

It seemed like as soon as I solved one problem another was ready to slip into its place. Now that my looming death was no longer looming, or at least on hold, my best friend was basically on the verge of a breakdown or, for her maybe worse, a break
up.
And part of me felt like I'd let her get there.

I felt totally trapped. Between my two worlds, between everything. This was exactly why I'd wanted to get away from the Sententia in the first place and I was beginning to fear I never would. Hell, lately I'd been considering getting even
deeper
into Sententia business. Not for the first time, I thought about how the only thing keeping me involved was Carter. How maybe no man was worth this trouble.

But the problem with that line of thinking was my heart didn't believe it.

On the shelf above my desk, a paperback copy of
Love's Labour's Lost
slid out of its place, teetered on the edge, and fell with a soft thump onto the books scattered in front of me. Carter Penrose, the comedian. He did that sometimes, sent me little signs that he was thinking about me. Sometimes they scared the crap out of me, and then sometimes it was like he just knew when
I'd
been thinking about
him.

I always thought it would have been cool if he could make messages appear in my notebook with my pen, but that was beyond even his abilities. He could make them appear on my phone, though. It buzzed from somewhere under all the books.

still studying?

sort of. but not really. more like on a break

how's moretti?

gone actually. they're making up.

So, want some company?

I was tempted. Really tempted. I'd already considered it. But a night alone was what I planned and I still had something else I hadn't really had a chance to think about: memories. What Caleb had said that afternoon kept coming back to me.

Yes…but I really do have to study.

I could help.

You don't help.

Just to say goodnight?

I'm about to get in the shower.

Which was true.

Even better.

Damn him.

Amy could come back any minute.

It'll only take a minute.

That doesn't sound fun for me.

That was when the phone rang, and I answered it to the sound of Carter laughing. “You really won't let me come say goodnight?”

“You're incorrigible.”

“No, you're beautiful, and I haven't seen you all day.”

I was also an easy mark. I sighed. And smiled, but he couldn't see that part. “Fine. But I'll meet you
outside.
Under the tree in half an hour.”

When I came out of the bathroom after my shower, he was lying on my bed, grinning exactly like the Cheshire Cat. I'd have screamed, but I was only moderately surprised to see him.