Second Chances (4 page)

What if it makes things worse?  They can’t get much worse though.  Ryan’s a wreck.  And Rosie . . .
  The strain on her face was evident although she hid it well most of the time.  That was another reason he’d practically begged Ryan to tell her about the dreams.  Maybe getting everything out would open him up to begin forgiving himself. 

Jake reached for a string of lights.  "Okay, enough slacking off.  Let’s get this party started." 

With a groan Ryan dragged himself off the couch to grab his own string of colored lights.  Between the two of them, amidst lots of laughter and swearing the lights were finally strung through the pine branches.  Rose began hanging the ornaments one-by-one, each carefully placed.  Some were handmade ornaments handed down through the generations of both sides of the family.  Others had been purchased since their marriage.  A few had been given to Ryan by the school children who’d come for field trips through the fire station.   Dozens and dozens of ornaments adorned the tree by the time they were finished. 

"Hey, guys, I’ll be right back."  Jake quietly walked to the front door, paused while Ryan plugged in the lights and the tree lit up in all its splendor.  Situated in front of the huge bay window, with the snow gently falling outside, the scene was picture perfect, worthy of gracing a Christmas card.  He eased the front door open and hit the stairs, taking the steps two and three at a time, going up the two flights to his condo.  Once inside he picked up the package with the reservation information and all the extras Quinton Chase had sent. 

Another moment of doubt filled him before he brushed it aside.  One way or another, Ryan had to face his demons and realize his brother was gone and never coming back.   He returned to Ryan’s apartment the same way he left, quietly opening the front door and striding purposefully back inside. 

Spotting the package in his hand, Ryan raised a brow but didn’t say anything.  Jake strode forwarded, handing it to Ryan. 

"I know there are still a few days before Christmas, but you need to have this present early."

"You want me to open it now?"  Ryan’s voice questioned.

"Yep.  It’s for you and Rosie."  Jake smiled at Rose, giving her a quick wink.  She made a playful grab at the package and Ryan laughed, raising it high over his head. 

"Nuh uh.  Mine."  He shook the package by his ear, listening to the sounds rattling around inside. 

"Hey, he said it was for both of us.   Stop playing with it and open the thing." 

Jake looked at Ryan, nodding.  "Open it."

Ryan lowered the package, held it in front of him for a second before turning it upside down and pulling the tape free.  He pushed aside the tissue paper and pulled out the sheath of documents inside.   He looked up from the package, staring straight into Jake’s eyes before turning back to the present. 

Hands shaking, he opened the promotional folder with the logo of Destiny’s Desire Lodge on the front.  A sharp inhalation of breath was his only visible reaction as he stared at the dates printed on the reservation slip.

"Jake?" 

Ryan’s anguished whisper was almost Jake’s undoing.  His heart broke for his best friend.   Doubt assailed him again as he wondered if he was doing the right thing.

"Honey, what’s wrong?"  Rose stood from her seat on the couch, reached up and cupped the side of Ryan’s face, worry apparent in her gaze. 

He handed her the package, spun away to stand before the fireplace, facing away from Jake and Rose.  Both hands braced against the mantle, his head lowered. 
Damn it, I knew it.  I made a mistake,
Jake thought.

"Jake?"  Rose’s voice had him turning to her and he read the question in her eyes.

"You both need to—I thought—damn it, I obviously didn’t think things through.  It’s just, it’s been two years and Ryan still hasn’t said good-bye.  Not really."  Ryan turned at his words, anger radiating from him as he stood ramrod stiff, arms crossed over his chest. 

"It’s an early Christmas present.  Everything has been arranged, paid in full.  The room, the limo, lift tickets, the works.  I’ve talked to Cap at the firehouse and you’ve got the time off, if you want it; all you gotta do is call him.  Short notice, but . . ." Jake’s voice trailed off unable to find any more words to explain why he’d given them the package. 

Understanding blossomed in Rose’s eyes and she gave him a sad little smile before she stepped in front of him.  Standing on her tiptoes she brushed a kiss against his cheek. 

"Thank you, Jake.  It’s a lovely gift.  Of course we’ll go."

"Like hell we will!"  Ryan’s bellow resonated throughout the entire living room.  "Son of a bitch, Jake,
you know that’s where Terry died
." 

"I know, Ryan.  That’s why you have to go there.  It’s past time, don’t you think?" 

"It’s almost Christmas, man.  The anniversary . . ."  The broken hollow undertone’s of Ryan’s voice tore at Jake, ripping at his soul.  The anguish Ryan always hid so well echoed behind his words. 

"Exactly.  That’s why it has to be now."  Jake saw when everything finally clicked into place for Ryan.  The date, this trip, and its connection to his dreams.  He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.  Rose walked across the patterned rug in front of the fireplace to stand by Ryan’s side.

"Honey, I think this trip might be just what you need—what we need." 

Inhaling deeply, Ryan closed his eyes and pulled Rose into his arms, resting his chin atop her fiery curls. 

"Okay, babe."  His eyes once again open, his steady gaze met Jake’s before he finally nodded.

"Thanks." 

Jake turned away, staring out the window at the softly falling snow. 
Okay, Quinton Chase, I’ve done everything I can on this end.  Now it’s all up to you.

O
nce Jake left for his own condo, Ryan sat in the living room watching the flickering glow of the twinkle lights blink off and on as the red, green, yellow and blue colors sparkled and swirled patterns across the darkened bay windowpanes.  The sounds of Rose bustling around in the kitchen registered, but his mind raced, the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions smothering him. 

Jake’s gift.  The dreams about Terry.  Was there a connection?
 

Guilt and sorrow flooded him until he was choking under the weight of it all.  His eyes burned and he rubbed them with the heels of his hands, surprised by the wetness on his cheeks.  Inhaling a ragged breath, he dragged up the bottom of his black T-shirt and wiped his face, whisking away all traces of moisture, then picked up the white box that held his future. 

He knew this was a turning point in his life and it scared the crap out of him.  The question was which path should he choose?  What if he chose wrong? 

On one hand, his life could go on just like it always did, day after day, with him putting one foot in front of the other and managing to endure life without really living it.  Missing his brother, missing Sharon, and widening the gulf that grew larger with each new dawn between him and the woman he adored.  The chasm between them spread a little bit more with each day that passed and it was all his fault. 

Blind, stubborn and an idiot
.  He had no trouble admitting his blame.  God Bless his Rosie.  Every single day she was strong for him, when he was weak.  There for him when everything became too much for him to bear and let him lose himself inside her body, cradled safe in the love they shared.  Her love was the one haven in his world still left where he had no doubts, no confusion.  But the thoughts always played out in the back of his consciousness;
it’s all my fault.  If I hadn’t sent them on that trip, they’d still be here.  Terry’d be practicing medicine.  Sharon would still be working at the hospital.  Helping others.  My fault.  Mine.
 

His other choice—take the trip.  Go to Destiny’s Desire Lodge. 
Could he do it
?  Was he ready—no scratch that—was he able to face the personal demons that surely awaited him there. 

"Honey, I’m going to grab a quick shower and head on to bed, okay?"  Rose’s voice called quietly from the hallway and he saw her standing there, outlined by the faint glow from the fireplace and the flickering of the Christmas tree lights.  Nodding, he stood up and walked over to kiss her, his lips brushing tenderly against hers.

"Go ahead, honey.  I’ll be there before you’re done."

Rose’s eyes searched his face and Ryan forced himself to smile.  Her arms slid around his waist and she pulled him close in a fierce hug, bands of strength around him, before she stepped back, lowering her hands. 

"Okay.  Love you."

"Love you more." 

After she walked through the door to their master suite, Ryan pulled the cellphone from his pocket and punched in the number of the fire station’s captain.    Personal leave time request approval minutes later, Ryan’s resolve was firm and sure. 

They were going to Destiny’s Desire Lodge for Christmas. 

H
ands shaking, Rose leaned against the double vanity in their master bathroom suite.  She’d heard Ryan come into the bedroom a few minutes earlier after she shut off the water from her shower.   The mirror reflected her image back, her eyes red rimmed from the tears she shed while the scalding hot water cascaded over her.  Jake meant well, she knew that in her heart, but the thought of Ryan going to the place where he’d lost his brother. . .

Can he deal with it?  Will he finally be able to let go and say good-bye? 
She wanted that so much.  Her heart ached for the grief her husband dealt with.  Time heals all wounds—except Ryan’s apparently, she thought.  She felt selfish in the face of her husband’s turmoil, but wanted, no needed back the man she’d married. 

After the first year passed, he’d held it together.  Seemed to be getting through the loss and beginning to come out the other side whole.  Then a few months ago, something changed and the Ryan she knew, the Ryan she loved, began slipping away from her all over again. 

Grabbing a fresh washcloth from the linen closet, she ran it under the cold water and held it to her eyes, hoping to bring down some of the puffiness and signs she’d been crying.  She didn’t want Ryan knowing she was upset.

"Honey, everything okay in there?"

"Fine.  I’ll be right out." 

Tossing the cloth into the hamper, Rose straightened, checked her reflection one final time before opening the door to the bedroom.  She pulled the clip from her hair as she entered, the waves cascading over her shoulders and spilling halfway down her back.   Ryan lay sprawled in their king-size bed, his muscled shoulders resting against the pillows piled high against the padded chocolate brown and cream-colored headboard.  His whiskey-brown eyes gleamed in the dim light from the bedside lamp on the night stand, its soft glow illuminating the room.  He gave a soft whistle as she stopped at the foot of the bed.

"You are so damn beautiful, sweetheart.  Sometimes I wonder how I ended up lucky enough to win a prize as special as you." 

Rose snorted, choking on her laughter.  "Waxing poetic this late at night, babe?  I guess you’re trying to get
lucky
again?" 

She untied the belt to her satin robe, allowing the edges to part in a slow ripple of royal blues and greens.  Letting it slip from her shoulders and down to her hands, she tossed it onto the foot of the bed and stood before him naked and open to his perusal. 

At his quick grin, she knelt on the edge of the mattress and with the loose-limbed grace of a jungle cat crawled sensuously toward him.  She felt his eyes devouring her, his gaze a visceral almost tactile caress of her body as it undulated forward, her eyes never leaving his.  Shoving aside the covers, she flung them off the bed. Ryan’s body was exposed to her feasting eyes, as naked as her own, and she marveled again that he belonged to her.  The physical evidence of his arousal evident with just a glance.  It spiked her matching desire higher, her stomach muscles tightening in anticipation.

Her fingers reached out, cupping his cheek and he turned his face into her palm, pressing a moist kiss there before drawing her fingertip into his mouth with a quick gentle nip at the tip.  Rose grinned at his playfulness, an open invitation for more.  She loved it when he was in this mood.  Sexy and oh so masculine.  Confident in the way he made her feel wanted, as though she were the most precious thing in the universe. 

Pressing her lips into the hollow of his throat, she trailed kisses along his jaw, pausing at the spot where his neck met the curve of his shoulder, a place she knew would soon send him into a passionate frenzy.  Just the thought turned her on.  The groan that escaped from him brought a temptress’ smile to her busy lips. 

Her tongue swept along the exposed skin savoring the salty tang before grasping it lightly with her teeth.  A quick nip and his shaky inhaled breath added to the need already burning inside her.  Desire coiled low in her belly. 

Her hands continued their exploration downward, gliding across his chest, down his rigid abdominals, the muscles outlined and defined.  She adored his body, the way he kept himself in shape, the gym workouts and on-the-job physical demands sculpted him into her ideal of perfection.   Swinging her leg across his thighs, she pushed up and straddled him, his rock hard erection pressed against her belly.  

Her mouth encircled his nipple and another groaned escaped him.  Drawing the taut flesh into her mouth, her tongue teased and licked, abrading the hardened tip and then she sucked, wanting to drink in as much of this man as possible, forced to release the tip with an audible pop, breathing deeply, inhaling the masculine scents of her lover. 

The word love didn’t begin to encompass the depths of feeling this man aroused within her.  He was the very air she breathed, every beat of her heart.  Without him she was nothing.  Each day she told him she loved him, but sometimes the words weren’t enough.  Tonight she’d give him the words—and let him know with the worshiping of his body—she was his heart, mind, and soul, forever and always.