Second Chance (31 page)

‘That is exactly what we saw that night. And he controlled you so much, Holly. Every time you opened your mouth, he would stop talking to hear what you were saying, and you became quieter and quieter all evening until you seemed to have disappeared. I was not even the one who noticed, not that I would have known you were different, but Paul was surprised. He said it felt like Marcus was the puppeteer, pulling your strings until you were absolutely under his control.’

Holly shakes her head in amazement. ‘Not exactly a healthy relationship, right?’

Anna laughs. ‘Would not seem so.’

‘So… do you and Paul have both? Do you have passion and friendship?’

‘After as much IVF treatment as we’ve had, let me tell you, there is not a lot of passion left,’ Anna rolls her eyes, ‘but even now, even after all this, I still look at him sometimes and want to rip his clothes off and jump him in the bed.’

Holly laughs at Anna’s English. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Yup. And he is my best friend. Most of the time, quite honestly, I am in bed by nine and the last thing I want to do is even think about sex, much less do it, but there are those times when I remember, when I feel exactly the same way about him as I did in the beginning. But you must have fancied Marcus at some point, no?… Not even a bit?’

Holly continues to shake her head sadly.

‘But you were married for, what, thirteen years? Fourteen? You had two children. How did you…
why
did you? Why would you stay with a man for that long, given everything you’ve said?’

Holly shrugs as she tips coffee into the cafetière. ‘I think fear,’ she says slowly. ‘I think I was just too frightened to leave. I was always so strong, so independent. But I suppose I lost myself in the marriage, was just beaten down to the point where I couldn’t do it. And then, of course, the children. I still feel horrible. How can I have done this to the children?’

‘They will be happy if the mother is happy,’ Anna says gently. ‘There is nothing worse for children than to grow up in an unhappy marriage. Are you sure it is over, though? Would you give it another chance?’

‘I don’t know,’ Holly says. ‘I feel sure it’s over, but then I think about supporting myself and the kids, and I’ll admit that it’s terrifying. It’s been only a few hours, as well. God knows how I’ll feel in the morning.’

‘I think you are very brave,’ Anna says, setting the coffee on a tray. ‘And I believe that whatever decision you ultimately make will be the right one. Take it a day
at a time and know that everything happens for a reason. Come on, let’s try and warm ourselves up.’

‘Is Saffron definitely asleep?’ Paul says, prodding the logs so the flames shoot up to the top of the fireplace.

‘Asleep? Unconscious I think would be a better term,’ Holly suggests, coming down from checking on the children and Saffron. ‘I feel like I’m back at school. I turned her on her side and stuck a broom down the bed to stop her lying on her back, in case she throws up, and I put a bucket on the floor next to her.’

‘How are the kids?’

‘Cold. I piled everything I could find on top of them, but they’re fast asleep so presumably they’re okay. I’m a bit worried, though.’

‘Why don’t we all sleep in here by the fire tonight?’ Anna says suddenly. ‘The plumber’s coming tomorrow so we should have heat then, and this is the warmest room. We can carry the kids down.’

‘And Saffron?’

‘I think we should leave her,’ Paul says. ‘The cold will probably help her hangover. Anyway, speaking of cold…’ He reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out a small bottle. ‘God knows, this is probably stupidly risky given we have Saffron here, but does anyone want some brandy in their coffee?’

A muted cheer goes up as three mugs approach Paul, who pours copious amounts into each. ‘Probably better to finish it,’ he muses, tipping the last drops in. ‘I’ll take it outside when we’re done so she doesn’t find it.’

‘I have to say I was stunned at how drunk she was,’
Olivia says quietly. ‘I remember her partying at school and getting drunk then, but somehow you sort of expect that from teenagers. It’s been years since I’ve seen someone sway and slur their words.’

‘I think what stunned me most was how drunk she was in so short a time,’ Holly says. ‘Wasn’t she gone only about forty minutes? How much do you have to drink in forty minutes to get that drunk? Did she have an IV of vodka or something?’

‘Pretty much, apparently. The barman said she was drinking vodka martinis like they were water. And through a straw.’

‘Oh great. How to get shit-faced in five easy minutes.’ Holly rolls her eyes. ‘A straw? Who drinks martinis through a straw?’

‘Someone who wants to get shit-faced in five easy minutes.’ Paul grins.

‘I do feel a little out of my depth here,’ Anna says quietly. ‘I thought it was funny when she first showed up, and understandable after what she’s been through, but I had no idea she’s an alcoholic. I’m really worried about how she’s going to cope. I for one certainly don’t know what to do or how to help her.’

‘I was reading up about interventions,’ Holly says. ‘When you tell the alcoholic what it’s like living with them and what they’re like when they’re drunk, but the thing is none of us really know, so it seems a bit pointless. It’s not like we’re present in her life and see the difference. I feel a bit helpless too.’

Paul unbuttons his jacket, followed by the others as the fire starts to give off some serious heat. ‘Isn’t the
first step of these programmes to learn that you’re powerless over alcohol? And I think there’s something about being powerless over the alcoholic. I think there’s probably nothing we can actually do to stop her drinking, but perhaps she’ll want to stop herself. She’s done it before so I’m sure she can do it again.’

‘You mean just sit here and watch her get shit-faced all the time?’

‘No. I think we should all do our best to keep her away from alcohol as much as we can, but I also think we shouldn’t judge her if she slips. We should support her as much as possible.’

‘What about keeping her busy?’ Anna pipes up. ‘I think we should get her working on the house.’

Olivia bursts out laughing. ‘What? “Saffron? Would you just climb up and retile the roof while you’re here? Saffron, I see you sitting around with nothing to do, would you mind just building some kitchen cabinets?”’

They all laugh, but Holly says, ‘Actually I think it’s a brilliant idea. I know we were joking about your evil plan to recruit your friends for slave labour, but I think the best thing we could do for Saffron
is
to keep her busy, and I wouldn’t mind keeping busy myself. The worst thing for me right now is to have hours and hours of time to think about the state of my life.’

Paul looks at her quizzically.

‘Long story, Paul. Short version is, I think my marriage is over, which is probably a huge blessing in disguise. Anna can give you the details later. I’m a bit talked out for today, if that’s okay.’

‘That’s okay,’ Paul says, sympathy in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Liar!’ Anna kicks him and Holly laughs.

‘I mean, I’m sorry if Holly’s in pain.’

‘I’m very much not in pain, and don’t be sorry. Right now I still feel liberated. Ask me again in the morning.’

‘Speaking of morning,’ Olivia stretches, ‘I’m completely exhausted. Would anyone mind if we brought the beds down now? I don’t think I can keep my eyes open for another second.’

At five in the morning Holly is wide awake. It takes her a while to orient herself – too many people breathing, too cold, where is she? She slips out of bed, bundles the duvet around her and puts some more logs on the fire, poking and blowing until the flames catch, for it is now freezing in the room, whatever heat there was earlier having risen to the top of the vaulted ceiling.

The flames catch and Holly sits for a while staring into them, thinking about her life. She had vaguely thought she would wake up in a panic, terrified of the future and knowing she had made a huge mistake, but what she feels at this moment, sitting wrapped in a duvet as the flames start to lick up the stones, is peace.

For the first time in years, Holly feels at peace.

She kisses Daisy and Oliver, holding her breath as Daisy stirs and settles back down with a light snore, then takes her mobile phone and a deep breath as she braves the outside to stomp up to the top of the driveway. It’s still dark, and absolutely quiet. Frost is on the
ground, and the grass crunches satisfyingly under her boots as she makes her way to the road.

This is the longest Holly has gone without speaking to Will in weeks. Their brief conversation in the car didn’t count, not when she was used to sharing the innermost workings of her mind, and to have not spoken to him after this, the most momentous thing to have happened to her since Tom’s death, seems inconceivable.

She can’t call him, not at five thirty in the morning, but she is hoping, praying, there will be a text from him; and turning on her phone she walks around until she gets the briefest of signals. One line, but enough.

Miss talking. Am thinking of u & worrying.

R u ok? Where r u? lunch? Wxx

She smiles. Why do his messages, his texts, his emails, his phone calls make her instantly happy?

am v. ok. In country. Miss u 2. can’t do

lunch. Will try 2 talk later. Me xx

A minute later, shockingly, her phone rings.

‘What are you doing awake?’ Her smile stretches from ear to ear.

‘Couldn’t sleep,’ Will says. ‘I was up at my computer reading some of your emails, when – boom! – your text arrived. I was worried I wouldn’t get you. Where are you?’

‘What a gorgeous surprise,’ Holly says. ‘I’m in Gloucestershire. At Paul and Anna’s place.’

‘How come?’

Should she tell him? They are trying to keep Saffron’s situation as quiet as possible – it’s not called Alcoholics Anonymous for nothing – but she doesn’t have to tell him everything, and God knows she trusts him, she has trusted him with almost all her private thoughts and fears for weeks now. Weeks that have felt like months.

‘We’ve got Saffron,’ she says. ‘We’re hiding her. You’ve seen the papers, right?’

‘Seen them? I was reading all about it yesterday online. Sounds pretty evil, and most of what they’re saying seems to be untrue. Mum called last night and she’s the most naive person in the world, but even she can see that most of these worms crawling out of the woodwork to give their shocking love stories about Saffron are money-grabbers.’

‘Oh God!’ Holly groans. ‘You’re not serious? More stories?’

‘It seems they’re obsessed. Brad and Angelina have been relegated to page four thanks to Saffron and Pearce Webster. Have to say it’s pretty damn impressive, though. Pearce Webster! He’s only about the most famous man in the world.’

‘God, you’re shallow.’ Holly starts to laugh. ‘You’re impressed, aren’t you?’

‘Well, have to say I am slightly. Not bad for a girl from north-west London.’

‘More LA-influenced now, I’d say.’ Holly snorts. ‘I had to do a sushi run on the way up here to keep her happy.’

‘You’re not serious?’ Will laughs.

‘Sadly, yes.’

‘You can take the girl out of LA…’

‘That’s exactly what I said!’ and they both laugh. ‘I’m so glad you called,’ Holly says, after a comfortable silence. ‘It’s really good to hear your voice.’

‘It’s really good to hear yours,’ Will says, his smile audible down the phone.

‘Don’t you think it’s odd,’ Holly starts haltingly, ‘that we’ve become such good friends after such a short space of time? I… well, I don’t want to embarrass you or anything, but I missed having a male friend. The only male friend I had was Tom, and once he and Scary Sarah started it wasn’t ever quite the same. I really don’t know what I would do without you.’ She stops, flushing. Has she gone too far? She didn’t mean to say it even though it’s quite patently true. She didn’t mean to get soppy, sentimental, serious.

‘I feel the same way,’ Will says. ‘Sometimes I find it hard to believe that we didn’t really know each other four months ago. I feel like I’ve become so reliant on our friendship, on filling you in on everything that’s happening in my life. I do actually feel that I finally have a best friend.’

A pang. Pleasure or pain? Holly doesn’t know whether she wants to hear this or not. Does being a best friend preclude anything else? And why did that thought suddenly make its way into her head? Hadn’t she accepted that they were friends? And despite her marriage possibly being over, now would be the worst time in the world to get involved with someone else.

Although the someone else just called her a best friend. What does that
mean
?

‘But I want to hear about you,’ Will moves swiftly on. ‘It sounds like Marcus took it really badly, are you okay?’

‘I am,’ Holly says, sitting carefully on a large stone as she checks her signal, desperate not to lose Will, comforted so much by his voice. ‘I know this sounds bizarre, but I feel at peace. I mean, obviously, a bit scared and apprehensive about the future, and I fully expect Marcus to be a prick, but I feel… free. Peaceful. Like me.’

‘Your voice sounds lighter,’ Will says after a silence. ‘I know that sounds mad, but it really does sound lighter.’

‘I
feel
lighter.’ Holly laughs.

‘Do you think this is it, though?’

‘I think so,’ Holly says. ‘It turns out, of course, that no one seems to be surprised. Everyone, it appears, could see that our marriage wasn’t great. The thing that scares me most is that I’ll go back because I’m too scared to do it on my own.’

‘Do you really think that would happen? Because, Holly, I think you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think you’ve allowed yourself to live in a place of fear because you’ve been pretty much forced there. You don’t have to live there any more, and you certainly don’t have to worry about doing it on your own – you have a huge support system.’

‘Marcus hissed that I wouldn’t get the house or a penny out of him.’

‘Sounds just about typical from someone like Marcus. He’s just reacting because, as far as he’s concerned, you’ve just destroyed his life and humiliated him royally.’