Second Chance (11 page)

Holly and Tom would lie on the floor in his room (Tom had a much better turntable and stereo system, but that was okay, it was his house after all), and make compilation cassettes. Some were love songs, others dance songs, but they spent hours painstakingly recording their LPs and writing in all the songs on the tiny lines. ‘Tom, Will, Holly… supper!’ would come up the stairs, and they would yell down, ‘In a minute,’ then Tom would complain and Holly would pretend to complain when, in fact, she was overjoyed to be treated as just one of the kids.

She stayed close to them until she got married. Even
after that she saw them a bit, but then Tom moved to America, and, it was true, she hadn’t seen them for years.

Peter’s mouth falls open when he sees Holly. ‘My goodness, Holly Mac! You’re all grown up,’ he says, and as he hugs her Holly feels herself well up.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, looking from Maggie to Peter. ‘I wrote to you and I tried to call but I couldn’t get through. I just wanted you to know how terribly sorry I am, how much I miss Tom.’

‘Thank you,’ Maggie says, squeezing her arm. ‘It’s the most terrible thing that’s ever happened to us but you know he would have loved this service. He would have loved that Peter was still able to make people laugh, and weren’t those stories of Will’s funny? For as awful as this is he wouldn’t have wanted everyone to stand around and be sad, he would have wanted to be remembered for all the good things.’

‘I know,’ Holly says, smiling; and then, out of nowhere, her face crumples and she starts to sob.

‘Oh love,’ Maggie says, and putting her arms around Holly she finds that the stoicism she has faked so well for today, this day she has been dreading, disappears and the pain of losing her son is so great she leans onto Holly and dissolves into tears.

They stand there for a long time, silently crying, and then they break away and wipe the tears.

‘Oh Holly, I’m sorry,’ Maggie says. ‘I didn’t mean to collapse on you like that.’

‘Maggie, it was me. I’m so sorry. I had no right to
cry on you after everything you’ve been through. I’m so embarrassed and I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t be embarrassed. Come back to the house and have a cup of tea. That should make us all feel better.’

‘REMEMBER’ BY CHRISTINA GEORGINA ROSSETTI

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that I once had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad
.

It smells the same. Despite all the people crowding into the hallway, the living room, every available space, the first thing Holly notices as she walks through the door is that Maggie and Peter’s house still smells the same.

Like home.

The same dhurrie rugs thrown haphazardly in the entrance hall, the same huge squishy sofa, now covered with various throws, under the giant mirror against the back wall.

Paintings Holly recognizes, new ones filling every square inch of the walls. Large oils in elaborate frames, Matisse lithographs, line drawings of interesting faces, landscapes, abstracts, all thrown together and all working perfectly.

And then, above a console table, a framed line drawing of the Fitzgerald family – Maggie and Peter grinning with their arms wrapped around each other, and Tom, Will and Holly lying on their tummies in front.
Happy Anniversary 1984! Lots of love, Holy
written at the bottom. Holly had copied a photograph with her Rotring pen, then had added herself as part of the family.

Maggie is, as always, in the kitchen. Unwrapping cakes and platters of sandwiches on the kitchen table as friends of hers bustle around refilling the kettle and making sure there are enough cups.

The kitchen table is still the same, the kitchen cupboards updated – no longer seventies pine and mela-mine counters, the cupboards are now a pretty antique white with thick butcher-block counters, but the dresser holding all the plates is still there, as is the old church pew serving as a bench on one side of the scrubbed refectory table.

‘What do you think of the old place?’ Maggie looks up and sees Holly. ‘Hasn’t changed much, has it?’

Holly shakes her head with a smile. ‘Apart from the cupboards in here, it looks exactly the same. I keep expecting to see Boris leaping about the kitchen.’

‘Oh Boris.’ Maggie smiles. ‘What a good dog he was. A maniac, but a good one. Nowadays we have Pippa, who’s a rescue dog, although quite pretty. We think she’s spaniel crossed with retriever.’

‘Where is she?’

‘She hates lots of people so we moved her bed up to our bedroom. Olivia has taken her out for a walk.’

‘Ah, of course. The animal lover.’

‘Thank goodness I was able to say we rescued Pippa – I think it immediately put us in her good books.’

‘As if you would ever be anywhere else.’ Holly laughs. ‘Do you need help?’

‘No, love. I’m almost done. Anyway, keeping myself busy seems to be the best thing for me at the moment. I love all these people coming over all the time. I just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances.’ Maggie’s eyes glaze over for a second, then she shakes her head to dislodge the thoughts and reaches behind her for some plates.

Holly leaves the kitchen and continues walking down memory lane, loving how so little has changed. She pushes her way between the people standing around with cups of tea in hand, sharing their stories of Tom, and she walks upstairs, knowing she has to see Tom’s room.

Pushing the door open, she expects to see little changed. The rest of the house is exactly the same; why would this be any different? And of course in the movies, the bedroom is always just as it was. But bizarrely, this is the one room that is entirely different. The walls are a fresh yellow, framed prints of Babar and Le Petit Prince line the room, and there are pretty twin beds with teddy bears sitting atop the pillows.

Holly smiles. Of course. This is now Dustin and Violet’s bedroom, where they stay when they come over here. She walks over to the window seat and sits down, leaning her head on the windowpane as she looks out on this familiar view, remembering when she and Tom would lean outside seeing who could blow better smoke rings.

The door creaks and Holly turns around with a start, immediately feeling guilty about being in Tom’s bedroom, being somewhere she doesn’t belong, although of course she does belong here.

If she belongs anywhere at all, if Holly has a home anywhere in the world, this is where it is.

‘I thought I saw you at the service, and I had a feeling I might find you up here.’ Will stands in the doorway with a huge grin, then holds out his arms for Holly to run into.

‘Oh Will,’ Holly says, leaning her head on his shoulder as she squeezes him tight. ‘Look how grown-up you’ve become! I can’t believe it! It’s so good to see you, and you look just like Tom! Look at you – you’re a long-haired version of Tom. Oh God, Will,’ she feels her eyes well up, ‘it’s so awful. I’m so, so sorry.’

‘I know,’ Will says, rubbing her back. ‘I still feel a bit numb, really, and it’s so completely bizarre seeing all of Tom’s old friends here, most of whom I haven’t seen for years.’

They disengage and both move towards the window seat, grinning at each other.

‘You look great,’ Will says. ‘You’ve improved with age.’

‘Oh shut up,’ Holly says, blushing ever so slightly. ‘And I don’t look great. Look at this grey hair and these lines.’ She raises her eyebrows to create a series of mounds on her forehead.

‘Well, okay, you don’t look so great when you do that but, seriously, it’s so good to see you. What happened to you? You got married, we all came to the wedding, had a couple of Christmas cards, and then you dropped off the face of the earth.’

‘I know. I can’t believe I lost touch. I suppose life just got in the way. Husband, children, work.’

‘Ah yes. Those things that normal people do. I can’t say I have much experience of them.’

‘No? Why? Are you still the reprobate son? Have you been trapped in time somewhere around 1989?’ Holly laughs.

‘According to my parents the answer would be yes.’
Will smirks. ‘I just don’t think I’m the settling-down type.’

‘What? No devoted wife and six children, then?’

‘Hardly. I’m something of a serial monogamist. Thus far I’ve been accused, several times, of being a commitaphobe, but I think I just haven’t met anyone I’ve wanted to commit to.’

‘So how old are you now? Thirty-five?’

‘Yup. Exactly.’

Holly shrugs. ‘You have plenty of time. I got married in my twenties and frankly I think it was probably too young. Not that it was a mistake or anything, I’m incredibly happy…’ She falters slightly, wondering why she is coming out with a lie such as this and to Will of all people, but she feels safer in the lie. ‘I think it ought to be illegal to be married before thirty.’

‘Because?’

‘Because you change so much in your thirties, how can you possibly predict whether you’ll grow together or apart?’

‘So,’ Will studies her face for a second, ‘have you and… is it Marcus?’ Holly nods. ‘Have you grown together or apart?’

‘Oh God, Will! Isn’t this a bit heavy for Tom’s memorial service?’ Holly won’t answer the question. Can’t answer the question. Doesn’t want to even
think
about what the answer is going to be.

‘Enough about me,’ she says instead. ‘What about work? Are you hugely successful at something? A millionaire with gorgeous models hanging off his arm?’

Will laughs. ‘Hardly. Well, I have had a few gorgeous
models, and I’m relatively good at what I do when I do it.’

‘What is it?’

‘I’m a carpenter, I suppose. Or cabinetmaker. I mean, I do everything, but I basically do it to fund travelling. I try to do six months here to make enough money to spend six months travelling and living abroad.’

‘Wow!’ Holly raises her eyebrows. ‘You really are a commitaphobe.’

‘Oh don’t you start.’ He grins. ‘You mean because I haven’t settled down with a bachelor pad and a pension?’

‘Well, isn’t it opting out of real life a bit?’ Holly can only say this because it’s Will. Anyone else and she’d never dare say these things. ‘I mean, I could understand you doing this at twenty-five, but thirty-five?’

Will laughs. ‘I’m living the life that makes me happy, and wouldn’t you say that’s the most important thing of all? I can honestly say I love my life, and how many people do you know who can say that?’ There’s a pause and he grins again. ‘Can
you
?’

‘I have wonderful children,’ Holly says. ‘And a wonderful life. I adore my work, and the life I’ve created.’ But even as she says it she knows it’s not true, particularly after walking back into this house today.

For Holly always wanted
this
. She wanted crazy and chaotic, wanted the house filled with children and laughter and fun. But Marcus won’t allow it, and it is just starting to dawn on Holly that she may never have the life she wants. Not with Marcus.

‘But are you happy?’ Will persists.

‘Is
anyone?
Holly tries to shrug it off. ‘As a concept it’s great but, honestly, I think most of the time I’m just getting on with life. Sure, at times I’m happy, but happy all the time? I think that’s unrealistic’

Will tilts his head. ‘That’s the point. While I can’t say I’m happy all the time, I can say I’m happy
most
of the time. I wake up in the morning and I love my life. I enjoy all of it. That’s why I do it. If I wake up one day and decide that now’s the time to settle down and buy a house, have 2.4 children and everything that comes with it, I’m sure I’ll do it. But right now this is what makes me feel good.’

Holly shakes her head with a resigned smile. ‘If it works for you, that’s great. Really. I always think we can’t question another person’s choices – how can we judge unless we’ve walked in their shoes?’

‘My philosophy exactly. So… have you seen Scary Sarah yet?’

Holly’s mouth falls open. ‘How do you know I called her that?’

‘Tom told me.’ Will’s eyes sparkle with amusement. ‘He thought it was hysterical.’

‘Oh God, I’m so embarrassed,’ Holly groans, sinking her head in her hands. ‘And no, I haven’t seen her yet. How is she?’

Will looks sad. ‘The truth is she’s a complete mess. I would have expected her to be incredibly cool and stoic and to act as if she were handling it perfectly, but she keeps breaking down in tears, which none of us know quite how to handle. I was amazed she managed to pull it together for the service.’

‘Is she downstairs?’

‘Probably. Or maybe in the guest room. I have to say I’ve warmed to her enormously these last couple of days. I always called her the Ice Queen, but I think I’m seeing the real Sarah now.’

‘Come on.’ Holly stands. ‘I have to find her, and we ought to go downstairs.’

As they head out of the door they both turn spontaneously and give each other a hug.

‘It’s so good to see you,’ Holly says into his ear. ‘Like rediscovering my long-lost little brother.’

‘Ouch.’ Will pulls away then smiles. ‘Did you know I used to have the most enormous crush on you?’

‘You did?’ Holly is stunned.

‘I did. You were the first great love of my life.’

‘I was?’ Holly’s hand flies up to her heart, which just fluttered in an unexpected way. ‘I never knew!’

‘I never told you. Come on. Let’s go and find Sarah.’ Will holds out his hand and guides Holly gently down the stairs.

‘Come tomorrow,’ Maggie says as she hugs Holly goodbye. ‘Everyone will have gone and I’d love to spend some real time with you. How does the morning sound?’

‘It sounds wonderful,’ Holly says. ‘Will Sarah be around, do you think? I’d love to talk to her.’

‘I hope so,’ Maggie says. ‘She just couldn’t face talking to people after the service. All so draining for her, plus she’s drugged up to the eyeballs. Her doctor’s got her on all these pills. Zoloft and Xanax for depression and
Ambien to sleep. I think she’s taking pills pretty much all day.’