Seawolf End Game (8 page)

“He’s not like that…” Kristen answered hastily as she dared a quick, secret glance at Brodie.

“Like what?”

Kristen looked back at Patricia. Her friend’s smile had faded somewhat, and Patricia was now watching her carefully. “What?” Kristen asked doing her best to hide any thoughts that might cause Patricia to suspect anything.

“You and him haven’t been playing a little hide the torpedo in the mile-under-the-sea club have you?” Patricia asked as her eyes lingered on Kristen.

“No, never!” she replied hurriedly, but felt herself flush with embarrassment. “That’s crazy,” she whispered forcefully.

There was a long pause as Patricia’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. Kristen looked down at her hands to avoid making eye contact. Patricia knew her too well, and Kristen feared her friend would see right through her thin veneer. “Krissie?” Patricia asked as she leaned a little closer and placed a hand on Kristen’s forearm. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, of course,” Kristen answered as she looked back up. She didn’t want to talk to Patricia about Brodie. In fact, she didn’t want to talk about him with anybody. But try as she might, she couldn’t hide what she was thinking from her oldest friend.

“Is he married?” Patricia asked with a hint of seriousness in her tone.

“He was,” Kristen replied and—despite herself—hazarded another glance toward Brodie. “His wife left him when he was overseas.”

“Stupid bitch,” Patricia said loud enough to be heard by the adjacent table. Several officers looked over at the two women. Patricia shot them her best “mind your own business” smile and returned to studying Kristen. “He hasn’t…” Patricia paused as she continued to watch Kristen. “He hasn’t come on to you, has he?”

“Lord no!” Kristen insisted. “He’s my captain, for goodness sake.” Kristen glanced over to where Brodie had paused by Graves and was whispering something in his ear.

“Krissie?”

Kristen looked back quickly, not having realized she was staring at Brodie. “What?” she asked with a weak attempt at innocence.

“Are you?” Patricia hesitated. “You aren’t sleeping with him are you?” she asked in a soft, very serious tone. She then quickly added, “Not that I’m judging you or anything. But I mean…” Patricia looked back across the room at Brodie, “if you were…” she looked back to Kristen with her most devilish grin. “Wow!”

Kristen shook her head vigorously. “No, no, no,” she assured her friend. “It’s nothing like that.”

Patricia nodded her head as if to agree, but her expression remained skeptical. “But something happened?”

Kristen considered a lie. But she’d never been a good liar, and she knew Patricia would see right through it. She found herself momentarily uncertain as she looked back down at her hands resting in her lap. “I…” she hesitated, hiding her face from anyone who might be watching, “I sort of kissed him.”

“You did what?!” Patricia exclaimed in shock so loudly that several officers at another table looked at the two women. Patricia shot them a dirty look and then returned her attention to Kristen and lowered her voice, “You did what?”

Kristen fidgeted slightly. “I didn’t mean to,” she whispered. “We were under a lot of stress… things had… things had happened…” she paused and glanced up at Patricia. “I was tired, he was there and…”

Patricia’s face registered complete shock and surprise. Despite her reputation for talking endlessly, she was struck speechless and could only manage to mouth the word “Wow” again. Recovering her faculties a few moments later, Patricia grinned playfully. “Did he kiss you back?” she asked, wanting all the details. “I mean, was it just a peck on the cheek, or did you go for it and really mug him?”

Kristen ran her hand over her perfect French twist, shaking her head at her stupidity for admitting anything like this to Patricia. “I think he kissed me back.”

“You think?” Patricia asked with a hint of disappointment. “Girlfriend, you’ve got to get out more,” she concluded taking vicarious pleasure from Kristen’s dilemma. “Was it good?”

Kristen nodded and then offered her friend a slight, playful smile, blushing slightly. “It was the best,” she assured Patricia. “I couldn’t feel my toes.” Kristen giggled to herself, remembering the feeling, and looked up at Patricia to see the pleasant surprise on her friend’s face. Patricia, still clearly in shock, just stared back at Kristen for nearly a minute with her mouth agape, unable to speak.

“I wish you would say something,” Kristen said nervously.

“Damn, Krissie,” Patricia managed with surprise still clear in her voice. “I mean, in four years at the Academy you never kissed anyone I know of. And now, on your very first ship, you kiss your captain.” She blinked in disbelief. “I would say that’s quite a leap.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Kristen insisted. “It just happened.”

“So do pregnancies,” Patricia replied and scooted her chair closer to Kristen’s.

“What do I do now?” Kristen asked as she squirmed slightly.

Patricia thought for a few moments and then, unexpectedly, her face flashed angry. “He didn’t force himself on you did he?” she demanded. “Because if that prick did, we’re marching over to the admiral’s table right now and getting you the hell out of there.”

Kristen understood why Patricia might think the worst. Kristen had been the quintessential prude for years, shunning boys at the Academy routinely, whereas Patricia had partied like there was no tomorrow for all four years. Patricia, naturally assuming the worst, had come halfway out of her chair, and Kristen gripped her friend’s hand tightly to stop her from standing and storming up to the head table.

“No, no,” Kristen said sharply and settled Patricia down. “No, he’s never…” she paused and again glanced down at her hands in her lap. “He’s never even looked at me like that.” There was another long, uncomfortable silence. Kristen glanced up and saw, of all things, worry on Patricia’s face. “What?” Kristen asked in what she felt was a very small voice.

“My God, Krissie,” she exclaimed. “I mean, damn, girl. I knew you’d fall for some guy eventually. But I assumed he’d be some uptight stock broker or dorky computer programmer.” She motioned toward Brodie, “Not that!”

“What do I do?” Kristen asked nervously.

“Krissie,” she lifted Kristen’s face slightly and lowered her own so she could look into her friend’s eyes, “have you… you know… really fallen for this guy?”

Kristen wanted to say no. Every logical fiber of her being was screaming at her to say no. She’d been denying it to herself for weeks now. She didn’t even want to contemplate any other answer since in her perfectly ordered world any other answer was impossible. But Patricia saw right through Kristen’s confusion.

“Wow,” she whispered once more.

Kristen hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself, let alone anyone else. But now that Patricia had asked, and Kristen was forced to consider the question, she knew the answer. “What do I do now?”

Patricia clearly understood the seriousness of the situation and pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I mean, you’ve really fallen for this guy, right?” she asked. “This isn’t just you hoping to get sweaty together a couple of times, maybe make a few bad decisions…”

Kristen rolled her eyes in embarrassment, but then shook her head and looked at Patricia with all seriousness. Kristen had been thinking of Brodie almost exclusively for several weeks now, ever since the motorcycle ride. She’d denied her emotions, refused to consider what her undisciplined thoughts might mean. But now, with Patricia prodding her, cold, clear realization hit her. “I don’t know,” she said, trying to deny it.

Patricia looked at her skeptically. She knew Kristen too well.

“Yes,” Kristen admitted finally. “Head over heels. Fireworks. I want a white picket fence in front of a house…” she admitted with a hint of sadness, not really having acknowledged to herself what she was feeling until that moment. There was another long pause before Kristen again asked, “What do I do now?”

Patricia shrugged her shoulder sympathetically, trying to empathize with her friend. “I don’t know, sweetie,” she admitted honestly. “I mean if it were me, and I had the chance to party with that guy,” she motioned toward Brodie. “I’d buy a roll of tickets and hold on for the ride as long as it lasted.”

“I’m on a submarine, Trish,” Kristen whispered. “You can’t have a relationship with someone on a sub.”

“Why not?”

“Because a submarine isn’t an aircraft carrier, Trish!” Kristen said too loudly and attracted the attention of two men at another table. Patricia shot them a “kiss off” look, and the two men went back to what they were doing.

Kristen lowered her voice again. “You guys are on a floating city with thousands of men and women everywhere. A submarine is different. I mean, you have no idea how small it is,” she explained. “If you sneeze in the bow the guy in engineering says, ‘bless you.’ You can’t hide something like…” Kristen let the thought drift off, but then let her fears out, “Not to mention he’s a captain and I’m just a stupid Nub. I’m twenty-five and he’s forty-one, he’s my commanding officer and I…” she shook her head at the mind numbing impossibility of the situation.

“Does he know how you feel?”

Kristen exhaled deeply, “God, I hope not.” The idea of trying to work near him was awkward enough without him realizing what she was thinking.

“Has he said anything or given you reason to think he might feel the same way?” Patricia asked with genuine concern in her voice.

Kristen considered every second she’d spent with Brodie. She’d already analyzed every moment countless times, searching for the significance of each word he’d ever said and every action he’d taken regarding her. “I thought maybe… I mean for a brief time I thought he might…” Kristen shook her head, “but ever since I…” She paused and glanced around to make certain no one might be listening. She then whispered, “Ever since I kissed him, he’s hardly spoken to me.”

Then Kristen recalled the Board of Inquiry and the tender and almost intimate way Brodie had helped her remember what Dr. Dar-Hyun had said. She looked up at Patricia and felt her face flush happily. “But at times, out of the blue, he’ll do the sweetest thing you could imagine.” Kristen then dropped her hand across her face sharply. “Then wham! Once again he’s as cold as ice.”

Patricia groaned, “Ouch.” She patted Kristen’s hand tenderly and added, “I don’t imagine there’s any chance you could forget about him, is there?” she asked hopefully.

“That’s just it,” Kristen replied. “I’ve tried, but I… I can’t.”

A good looking officer paused by their table and was about to speak when Patricia shot him an annoyed look. “Move along, Ace,” she advised.

Once he moved away, Kristen resumed her explanation, “The crazy thing is,” Kristen was almost laughing at the painful irony, “all I ever wanted was to be treated the same as everyone else.” Kristen now understood how foolish a hope that had been. “I wanted my commanding officer to look at me as just another officer and not at the size of my chest,” she explained. “But now… with him….” she shook her head sadly. “He’s doing exactly what I always wanted and treating me like everyone else. I’m just one of the boys.”

“And you wish he’d go for the tits.”

“What can I do?”

Kristen understood some of the most complex machinery systems in the world. She was possibly, academically speaking, the most intelligent officer in the entire Navy. But she had absolutely no experience dealing with such emotions. For years she’d considered herself too emotionally damaged or, at the very least, stunted emotionally to ever have a relationship with anyone. “I mean, sometimes I feel like I’ll suffocate if I can’t tell him how I feel; if I can’t show him.”

Patricia sat thoughtfully for several seconds before answering with a shrug, “So, tell him. What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

Kristen was shocked by what she considered a ludicrous suggestion. “Are you nuts? He could laugh in my face! He could throw me off the boat…”

“Do you think he might?” Patricia asked. “Laugh at you, I mean. Is he that callous?”

Kristen thought she knew Brodie well enough and answered, “No, I don’t think he would laugh,” she admitted thoughtfully. “He’s not like that,” she explained and then added, “But he could put me off the boat with a snap of his fingers.”

“He’s a captain, Krissie,” Patricia reminded her friend. “He just can’t reassign you. He’s not God.”

“Oh, yes he is,” Kristen answered with a firm nod. “At least as far as the submarine forces are concerned,” she assured her friend. “Do you think they would let just anyone have two command tours on a nuclear submarine if they didn’t think he was irreplaceable?” Kristen then motioned across the room at Brodie who was again engaged in a conversation with a rear admiral. “I mean look at him!” she offered as if pointing toward a titan and not just a man.

After a long pause Patricia asked, “Is there anyone on the boat you can talk to about this?”

“Are you trying to be funny?” Kristen nearly laughed at the thought. “Tell this to one of those guys?” she asked as she jerked her thumb toward the table where the
Seawolf’s
officers were still seated. “I can’t talk to them about this kind of stuff.”

Patricia glanced back at the table where Kristen’s friends were drinking and talking. “The one on the far left might be gay. You could try him.”

Kristen chuckled again, feeling better after having told someone about how she’d felt since her first days on the
Seawolf
. She looked back at her fellow officers and saw who Patricia was referring to. She rolled her eyes and turned back to her friend. “I’ve met his wife,” Kristen told her. “She’s beautiful, and I can assure he’s not gay.”

Patricia shrugged it off. “He might be. You can never quite tell these days.” She then cleared her head and returned to Kristen’s problem. “Well, if you can’t tell him then you only have a couple of options,” Patricia concluded.

Kristen raised a hopeful eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

“You can stay on the boat and be miserable, but at least be able to see him occasionally and maybe one day things will change…” Patricia offered but then paused, her facial expression accenting the unpleasantness of her conclusion.