Seaside Sunsets (28 page)

“Let’s skip talking and just be close, Jamie. I missed you, too, and I want to be closer. As close as we can be.”

His lips curved up, but he shook his head. “On the way inside I realized that I don’t want to use our passion as a bandage to cover what happened these last few days. I want to make love to you with a clear conscience, and I want you to have the same peace of mind. You deserve to be cherished. I dropped the ball and doubted.”

Doubted?

“Come on, baby.” He led her to the luxurious sofa.

She watched him pour the wine at a bar in the corner of the room. He glanced up and smiled as he moved the bottle from one wineglass to the next, and when he came to her side, she couldn’t imagine how she’d gone the last few days without him. Jamie handed her a glass and slid in beside her, one arm draped over her shoulder.

“I don’t want any secrets between us, Jess. Our relationship can’t work if we’re constantly looking over our shoulders for skeletons to come out of the dark.”

“I know. I’ve never lied to you, which is why what you said earlier rattled me.”

Jamie dropped his eyes to his glass. “I know. I’m not proud of how I’ve acted. That night I went to meet Mark, I went a little crazy. I punched him and kind of lost my mind over what he’d said to you.”

Her eyes widened. She’d never known a man to hit someone else. Especially over her. “You punched him?”

Jamie nodded. “That night, he had me so confused that I didn’t know what to believe.”

“So, he
made you
doubt me?” Her stomach sank again.

“God, this is so hard to admit. I’m such an idiot. Yes, he said things that made me doubt you a little. I didn’t know what to believe, and then you were gone. Jessie, I’m sorry. I’m ashamed for all of it. I should have left his hotel room and gone straight back to you to talk it through, but I was confused, and…”

“And he’s your attorney and friend, who has always given you solid advice and looked out for you for all these years regardless of how much of an ass he was to me, or Jenna, or probably half a dozen other women in your life.” She lowered her eyes to his hand. The stone on the ring was green.
Worried
.

“Yes. And I know he’s a total douche. Christ, I hated how he treated you. I gave him hell for that, and I’ll fire him if it’ll bring you back to me.”

“Jamie, I’m confused. What did he make you doubt about me?”

“I promised to be honest with you, and I will.” He exhaled and brought his hand to her shoulder. “I just have to sit with you for a minute in case you decide this is it. I just want this moment to remember.”

She had no idea what could be that difficult to talk about. In her life, if there were issues with other musicians, she talked with them. With the few friends she had in the orchestra, she told them when things bothered her and they did the same, without hard feelings. They weren’t close friends, but how could this be so difficult? What had she done that would warrant such a reaction? She began to imagine that it wasn’t her he was worried about. Maybe he’d turned to another woman for comfort. Oh Lord, that made her a little queasy.

His brows drew together and his lips parted, and just as quickly they closed again.

“Jamie, you’re scaring me a little.”

“It wouldn’t be too far off to say that he had me doubting just about everything about you.”

“I don’t understand. Why would I ever be untruthful to you?”

“I don’t think you would be, but when he said all that he did to me, it made me wonder, and…I’m sure it was a website error,” he said with an uneasy smile. “Jess, there’s no Jessica Ayers on the musician list for the Boston Symphony Orchestra.”

“You looked for me?” Her heartbeat sped up.

“Yes.” His jaw clenched, and she could see he had something else to say.

“You think I lied about where I worked? Why? Why would I do that?”

“I never believed that you did. That’s why I was going tonight, to see for myself.”

“I don’t know if I should be mad that you think I lied or happy that you looked for me.” She traced condensation on the side of the wineglass with her finger.

“I’m sorry, Jess. I wish I could take it back, but we can’t fix the past; we can only learn from it and create a better future, which is what I hope to do with you.”

“Jamie, I...”
I want that, too
. But trust was everything in a relationship. Even with her lack of experience, she knew that much. “It wasn’t an error. Jessica Ayers isn’t on the symphony musician list. Jamie, I have never lied to you about a thing. I never even considered lying to you. When you like someone, you’re honest with them. It just goes hand in hand, doesn’t it?” She set her wineglass down on the end table beside the couch and rose to her feet.

Jamie watched her intently, his dark eyes narrow and serious, his thighs tense against his slacks. “Yes, of course. I haven’t lied to you either.”

“Then why would you doubt me?” Her stomach twisted again and she felt flustered.

“Because Mark is manipulative and…” He stood and paced, then stopped before her, looking impossibly handsome and worried.

Totally unfair
. Wasn’t she confused enough?

“It’s not Mark’s fault. He didn’t do anything different than he’s always done. He pointed out the obvious. I’m not a fast-moving, carefree guy, Jess.” He paced again and ran his hand through his hair, which only made him sexier because she happened to love that particular mannerism of his.

Jessica tried to keep up with what he was saying, but she was getting distracted by her feelings. She sat back down on the couch and lowered her eyes to her lap.

“I was never a carefree guy, Jess. Never. Not as a kid, not as a teen, and definitely not as an adult—until I met you. You made me forget that I’m supposed to be chained to my work, that I lost my parents, that there’s more to life than working myself into the ground to forget the pain I’ve buried for so long but never really healed from.” His back was to her when he stopped pacing. His broad shoulders rolled forward; he turned slowly, his eyes catching the light from the wall sconce. They were suspiciously damp, shadowed with pain.

“Jamie.” It came out as a whisper. She went to him, circled his neck with her arms and ran her fingers through his thick hair. “My full name is Millicent Jessica Bail-Ayers. I use Millicent Bail professionally.”

His lips curved up and he squeezed her hand. “I wish you had told me that.”

“Didn’t I ever?” She tried to recall every second they’d been together, the things they’d talked about, but her recollections were tangled and fuzzy. Her body wanted to comfort him, hold him, kiss him, help him heal from the loss of his parents, which still plagued him. But her mind was spinning circles about what else he thought she’d lied about, confused about how these types of things could get so convoluted and hurt so badly.

He shook his head. “No. And that shouldn’t have mattered. I should have asked you. I should have dealt with it instead of thinking the worst.”

She took a step back to ground herself for whatever else was yet to come. “What else?”

She watched his Adam’s apple slide up, then down his throat. His hesitation brought her back down to the couch.

“Jamie?”

He knelt before her and placed his hands on the outsides of her thighs. “Jessie. I promised honesty. It would be easier to tell you there was nothing else, but there was. I didn’t know what to believe. Mark was throwing things at me, one after another, when I told him I loved you. Asking how long we had really known each other, where you lived, where you grew up. Christ, Jess, I didn’t know even the basic things about you, and it didn’t bother me at all. Then he reminded me about women I’ve dated who have pretended to be something that they weren’t. He’s an ass, there’s no doubt, but he’s also been my friend. A good friend aside from the asinine things he’s said to women. He’s had my back and saved me from a lot of shit.” He ran his hands up the outsides of her thighs and fisted them in the fabric by her hips. The strain in his voice mirrored that in his face and arms. “Jess, I’m not making excuses, for him or for me. I’m just doing a lousy job of explaining.”

“I’m still confused, Jamie. I’m sorry. What on earth did you think I lied about?”

“Jessie, I’ve been lied to by men and women.”

“Jamie. Just tell me.” She was breathing harder now.

He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he met her gaze and held it. “I didn’t know what to believe about any of it. Where you lived, what you did for a living…how many men you’d slept with.”

JAMIE FELT HER body go rigid.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck
. He had to make her understand before he lost her forever.

“Jess, I…there was so much going on in my head, and things were so messed up. You were crying, I kicked a naked woman out of Mark’s room, clocked him and left him bleeding.”

Jamie never knew so many things could happen in the space of two breaths. Jessica’s eyes went from confused, to appalled, to angry, to distraught. Her face fell flat, her lips drawn south, and he felt her slipping away. She leaned back and turned her head, her eyes cold and distant.

“Jessie, please. I knew you didn’t lie. In my heart I didn’t think you were playing me, but—”

“But the doubt was there.” Her voice was a thin thread. “You weren’t sure if you could believe me after I opened my heart to you. Opened my soul and my body, Jamie.” Her voice shook. “I know for other women it’s easy to open themselves up to men, to let them touch their most intimate parts and to reciprocate.” She turned toward him, looking battered and bruised from the inside out.

“Jessie, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“Please,” she whispered. Tears streamed down her cheeks, each one dragging his heart deeper into hell. “What hurts the most is that it
was
easy to open up to you. To
you
, Jamie, because I trusted you.”

Trusted
.

“Jess, you can trust me. It was a momentary doubt. I called you that night and wanted to talk about it, but you never called back. I looked for your address online, but there was no Jessica Ayers listed anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t listed with the BSO, so I didn’t think I’d find you there. Mark gave me an envelope with what I’m sure is everything anyone could ever want to know about you, and I never opened it. I have no intention of opening it, but you need to know it exists.” This time it was him drawing in a hampered breath. “And then…I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to see for myself. I called Kurt’s brother, and he arranged for me to get tickets for tonight’s concert. But the nightmare at my office ran late, and by the time I got there it was over.”

Her expression had gone blank.

“None of that matters. You trusted me, and I doubted your honesty.” He touched her fisted hands. He loved her hands. They were delicate yet strong, and so very loving when she touched him. It struck him that he might never feel her hands on him again, and it was all he could do to pry himself from her and rise to his feet, feeling defeated by his own stupidity.

“I understand, Jess, but I didn’t want to keep anything from you. I wanted you to know where my head was and why. I’ll drive you home.”

He extended his hand. When she placed her fingers in his, he felt his chest tighten again.

“Jamie?” she said softly.

“Yeah, babe?” He couldn’t look at her. It hurt too much to see the disappointment written all over her unhappy face.

“Would you mind if I stayed with you tonight?”

He tried not to hold on to the thread of hope that trailed behind her question, but it was damn hard not to.

“Would I mind? Jess, you can stay with me for the rest of your nights.”

“I just…” She looked away, touched her lips with her hand. “I’m not ready to walk away.”

Thank God
. “Tell me what you want, Jess.” He forced his voice to remain even, not too hopeful or smothering, as he sank onto the couch beside her.

“I don’t know, exactly.” She touched his leg. “The only thing I know for sure is that you were as honest with me as a person can be, and even if you didn’t trust me”—she sucked in another uneven breath—“I…My feelings for you are still here.” She covered her heart with her hand. “And I don’t know if I’m supposed to try to ignore them, which is really, really painful.” Tears slid down her cheeks again.

Jamie couldn’t help reaching over and wiping the tears he’d caused.

“I’m not sure what I’m
supposed
to do, because I’ve never been down this road before, but I’m not sure I really care what I’m supposed to do. I can’t even think about walking out that door, Jamie. I walked away when I left the Cape, and I thought that was the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my life. But then, just when I was sure it was some big sign about us not being meant for each other, you showed up at the Hall.” She tightened her grip on his leg.

“You showed up, Jamie. Part of you trusted me, despite what you read online, or what Mark—who you
do
know and trust—told you.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and breathed deeply.

She’d spoken softly, easily, without anger or venom. Didn’t she always? Hadn’t she always spoken to him from the heart, without weighing the calculated gain or risk of what her words might cost her, like so many other women before her had done? Not for the first time, or even the tenth, Jamie wondered how he’d gotten so lucky to have been in the right place at the right time to meet Jessica. And how he could have been stupid enough to doubt her.

“Something in your heart still believed in me, Jamie. In
us
. And even though it feels a little like you’ve sliced my fingers off, I just want to be with you. I’m not sure what it means, or how I’ll feel tomorrow, or even in a few hours. But right now, I’m not ready to walk away from us.”

THERE WERE THINGS that Jessica was very good at. Dedication to her craft was at the top of the list. Working with others and melding together in a musical environment was another. But lying ensconced in Jamie’s arms and trying not to love him was not anywhere on the list. That particular part of her was gawking at the list like the list was a leper. Jamie had offered to make up the guest room for her, but that felt too far from him. She was glad Jamie hadn’t tried to be intimate with her before he’d fallen asleep. She somehow knew he wouldn’t. He seemed as content to hold her as she was to be wrapped in his arms as he drifted off to sleep, and this…His soft breath against her neck, his chest pressing against her back with each inhalation, the soft hairs on his legs tickling the backs of hers, this felt right.