Scary Rednecks & Other Inbred Horrors (19 page)

“Uh…are you sure that’s a good idea considering what we have in the trunk?”

“Oh please.
 
Who the hell is going to look in the trunk?
 
It’s fucking Christmas, for Christ’s sake!”

Renny
turned into the parking lot of the 7-11.
 
He waited impatiently and watched the snowflakes as they danced around the windshield.

As he watched in pure, unadulterated horror, a police car pulled into the parking lot.
 
Renny
stared straight ahead and tried to act as normal as possible.
 
Out of his peripheral vision he noticed the cop get out of the car and walk directly towards him.
 
At the same time, Casey came out of the 7-11, nodded at the cop, and got back into the car.

Renny
kept a passive face as the officer knocked on the glass.
 
He rolled the window down and tried his best to smile. “Hello, officer.”

“Merry Christmas, guys.
 
Remember me?”

Renny
squinted.
 
It was the same cop who arrested him last year on a misdemeanor charge of marijuana possession at his Daddy’s hoedown.

The cop smiled.
 
“I can tell by your face you recognize me.
 
Staying out of trouble on this fine Christmas night?”

“Actually, we killed Santa Claus and stuffed him in the trunk,” Casey said, his face keeping a deadpan expression as he lit his
Kool
cigarette.
 
Renny
imagined himself wrapping his fingers around Casey’s throat and squeezing until the veins popped.

“Cute,” the cop said, looking towards the back of the car.
 
“You know, that trunk can’t be sticking open like that.
 
It’s a hazard and may distract you.
 
What the hell you got in there anyways?”

Renny
swallowed heavily, his smile growing weaker.
 
“Just some presents I’m taking home to my kid.
 
I haven’t seen him in six months.
 
I’m hoping this Christmas will give us a chance to get together.”

The officer nodded.
 
“I hear
ya
there.
 
I got the same problem.” He pulled his pants up over his beer belly and straightened his shirt.
 
“Well, have a Merry Christmas guys.”

Renny
nodded, hoping desperately the cop didn’t notice he was starting to sweat.
 
“You too, officer.”

When they pulled out of the parking lot Casey howled in laughter. “Oh my god was that fucking funny.
 
You should have seen your face when I said that about the Santa in the trunk!
 
That was priceless!”

“Are you a goddamn retard!”
Renny
screamed. “Do you want us to go to prison?”

“Calm down, man,” Casey said, a giggle escaping his lips. “Like he was going to believe me when I said that.”

“That’s not the point,
dumbfuck
!
 
You made him take notice of the trunk.
 
That was stupid.”

“You’re going to make me laugh even harder, stop.
 
Think of it as a funny story you can tell your kids.”

Renny
turned off on a barely plowed side road.
 
“Man, you need help. What kind of story would this be to tell a freaking kid?
 
And then, little Jimmy, we couldn’t fit Santa in the trunk.”

Casey chuckled.
 
“That’s the spirit, man!
 
See, you’re even starting to find humor in this.”

Renny
sighed. “Yeah, I am.
 
It’s just too messed up of a situation for it not to be a little funny.” He pulled off to the side of the road.
 
“Okay, this should be good enough.
 
We can bury the body out here and hope they don’t find him until spring sometime.”

They exited the car and untied the fishing wire.
 
Santa’s eyes were open and he groaned.

“Oh shit!”
Renny
hissed. “Now what?”

“Oh no,” Casey said, backing away from the car like it was wired with explosives. “I thought you said he was dead.”

“He looked dead to me.
 
Didn’t he look dead to you?”

Casey pulled a wool hat from his pocket and stuck it on his head. “We’re going to have to leave him here.”

“Are you kidding me?
 
No way.
 
It’s Christmas, man!”

“He tried to steal your blunts.
 
Did he not?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I can murder Santa Claus.
 
No way, no how.”
Renny
stared down at the corpulent man.
 
Santa was watching them fearfully, his eyes white in the darkness of the trunk.

“It’s not Santa Claus,” Casey said, leaning forward. “It’s some fat bastard who broke into your apartment and tried to steal your blunts.
 
Think of it that way, and it’s not so hard to leave him out here, is it?”

“I’m not leaving him out here.
 
I can’t.
 
Especially not on Christmas night.
 
And don’t you think I
KNOW
it’s not goddamn Santa Claus for real,
whipdick
?” He looked up into the sky and squinted.
 
The snow was starting to fall heavily.

“Are you forgetting you already shot the fat bastard?”

“Uh…no, asshole, but shooting him before was shooting a prowler.
 
Shooting him now makes it murder.
 
Screw that.”

“Well, we can’t take him to the hospital,” Casey said, pulling his cap down over his head tightly.
 
“Someone will see us and then find out that you shot him.
 
So where does that leave us?”

“We’ll have to take him home and hope we can make him better.”

“Oh man.
 
I should have gone over my girlfriend’s house tonight.
 
This night is fucked.”

They tied the trunk closed as best they could, but it was definitely weaker as they had destroyed some string while untying it.
 
Renny
started the car and headed back into the opposite direction.
 
The mood had darkened as both of them were a little nervous as to what they were going to do.

“Stop here again,” Casey said as they passed the 7-11.

“What the hell for!”
Renny
shouted, his patience running out.

“I need some coffee, man.
 
You don’t have any at home.”

Renny
tried not to scream and pulled back into the parking lot, slamming on the brakes at the front of the store. “Hurry the hell up!”

Casey opened the car door. “Okay, okay. Jeez. Take a chill pill, man.”

Renny
watched as Casey ran into the store and rubbed his temples in a vain effort to rid himself of his massive headache.
 
He gasped as the trunk lid shot up in his rearview mirror.
 
In his side mirror, he watched in horror as Santa climbed out of the trunk and started to walk drunkenly towards the road.

“Uh…uh…uh,”
Renny
muttered, struggling to find the proper word.

Casey walked out of the 7-11, the cup of coffee to his lips.
 
He froze when he saw the portly man staggering out to the road.
 
“What the hell?” he mouthed at
Renny
.

Renny
opened the car door and jumped out.
 
“Shit, shit, shit.
 
Help me get him!”

“Just let him go,” he said turning around and looking inside the building nervously. “Someone is going to see us.”

“We can’t just let him go,
fucknut
!”
Renny
shouted, taking off after the old man who by now had made it to the main road where he was crossing tipsily.
 
“I shot him!
 
He saw our faces!
 
He heard us talking from the trunk!
 
If this shit gets back to the cops, I’m going right back to prison!
 
He knows where I live, man!”

Casey watched as his chubby partner ran through the snow-covered parking lot.
 
He sighed, threw his coffee down onto the ground, and took off after his friend.

Renny
tackled Santa just as he reached the other side of the road.
 
They went down in an explosion of wet snow, wrestling around madly.

Santa managed to get his boots into the center of
Renny’s
chest and launched him airborne.

Renny
went squealing into the road, sliding through the snow, his mouth wide open.
 
Casey jumped up just in time as his howling friend went sailing past and he turned to watch almost curiously.

“Get him!”
Renny
shrieked, still sliding backward.

Casey shouted out a war cry and launched himself on Santa, his face filled with macho anger.
 
Two seconds later, he was trying to crawl away from the plump man, screaming in pain, his eyes wide as snowballs.
 
Santa bit down ferociously onto his calf and he screamed.

 
The rabid Santa pulled Casey back as he struggled to crawl away, his fingers making lines in the snow as he went backward.

“FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD! HE’S GOING TO KILL ME, MAN, HE’S—” Casey screamed, abruptly cut off as the old man launched a fist into his face.

Renny
got up from the road and ran full force towards the fighting men.
 
He tripped at the curb and fell clumsily into them, shrieking as he hit.

Santa kicked and bit savagely.

Finally, in a move that was more luck than skill,
Renny
managed to slam the chubby head into the curb, knocking him back into unconsciousness.

The squad car from earlier in the evening pulled up next to the curb.
 
The cop rolled the window down. “Evening,
fellas
.”

“Evening, officer,”
Renny
and Casey said in unison.
 
They were lying on top of the unconscious Santa, big fake smiles plastered on their faces.
 
Casey dabbed his sleeve on his bloody lip.

“Ah, Christmas,” the cop said, staring at them with a crooked smile. “This looks like a picture right out of
Currier and Ives
.
 
Always lay an
assbeat
into Santa on Christmas, do
ya’s
?”

“It’s my girlfriend’s father,”
Renny
said. “He’s drunk.
 
We were taking him home to sleep it off when he leapt from the car.
 
We had to stop him or he would have froze to death, officer.”

“Uh huh,” the cop said. “You know, I’m almost inclined to believe this story, as I find it hard to believe anyone would have the audacity to beat Santa’s ass on Christmas.
 
Need any help getting him back to the car?”

“Nah,”
Renny
said. “We’ll be okay.
 
Thanks anyways.”

“Okay,” the cop said, rolling his window back up. “Oh, and
fellas
…”

“Yes, officer?” they said again simultaneously, practically holding their breath.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas!”

“Get that poor drunk bastard home before he freezes to death,” the cop said and pulled away.

Renny
watched the squad car drive leisurely down the street. “Shoot me. Shoot me now.”

Casey got to his feet, rubbing his bleeding lip. “Let’s get this fat fuck back into the car.”

After lots of struggling, they managed to get Santa back inside.
 
This time they threw him into the back seat.
 
The ride home was uneventful.