Authors: Kay Gordon
Scars of the Future
Written by Kay Gordon
Scars of the Future
Copyright © 2015 by Kay Gordon
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Cover Illustration and Design Copyright © 2015 by RO3D
Warning: This book contains adult content, including: violence, sex, and rape. It is not intended for readers under 18 years old.
To those who deal with more than they should have to: You’re stronger than you know.
I sat on the edge of the trampoline with my legs swinging freely. I watched as everyone in the backyard wound down, most sitting around the fire pit that Craig had brought out. Almost all of the sunlight was gone, but the whole backyard was still illuminated with party lights that Linda had hung. It had been an amazing graduation party celebrating my friends and myself. It was the second in our lives that we’d celebrated together, the first being high school four years before. Now we were celebrating our college graduation and the mismatch of degrees earned, pushing us into official adulthood.
I watched my feet as they moved in the shadows and relived the past hour in my head. I should have known that it would be too crowded for my mother here, but I had selfishly wanted some of my own family to attend. If I had known that she’d get so overwhelmed to the point where she wouldn’t recognize me or anyone else I wouldn’t have pushed it. I was just grateful that Jenny and I had been able to calm her down and change the pants she’d wet without too many people taking notice. I really hoped Mom wouldn’t remember that when she was lucid again because neither Jenny nor I would bring it up, not wanting to embarrass her. I’d wanted to go home with them, but Jen insisted that I stay.
“It’s what your mom would want, Amanda.” Jenny had said quietly after Mom was buckled in the front seat of her minivan. “Go spend some time with your friends and let me do my job.”
So I stayed. Between the sadness and the guilt I felt like my insides were being eaten alive.
“Hey babe,” Sydney said, pulling me out of my own thoughts and hoisting herself up so she was sitting next to me. My friend’s legs were a lot shorter than mine and it took her a second to get up.
“Hey,” I replied quietly. We sat in silence for a few moments as I looked around the yard. Everyone seemed so content, so carefree. My other friend, Maddie, was sitting next to her fiancé, Josh, and the two of them looked blissfully happy as they talked. My eyes continued to move and they found Maddie’s older brother, Matt. He was sitting at the fire pit next to his step-brother, Sean, smiling at something his mother, Linda, was saying.
I studied Matt’s gorgeous face in the firelight. His dirty blonde hair was finally growing out and he ran his hand through the short, soft waves that sat upon his head. His delicious body was almost too good to be true, muscular and toned in all the right places. I admired how amazingly attractive he looked in just a t-shirt and jeans. I knew how good his hard chest felt pressed up against my body, having witnessed it during an amazing kiss we had shared months before.
“Did Jenny take your mom home?” Sydney’s voice interrupted my thoughts again and I turned my head towards her quickly.
I paused, staring at Sydney’s concerned face before I responded with a nod.
“Yeah, being around a lot of people is hard for her. I’m glad she was able to come for a little bit.”
I rubbed my eyes and let out a deep sigh, thoughts of my mom reminding me of my priorities.
“I think I’m going to have to put her in a nursing home. I found two that I really like, and I’ve talked to the social workers who oversee them and they both get rave reviews. I just feel like…”
I swallowed loudly and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I feel like I’m abandoning her.”
A quiet sob sounded from my chest as I made my confession and Sydney wrapped me in her arms, holding me close as I cried. I cried for my mother, the woman who had been there for me every moment of my life. I cried for me, the daughter who was watching her mom fade away before her eyes.
Sydney let me cry, whispering words of sympathy and reassurance. She reminded me that this was what my mom requested, being put in a home so I could live my life. How could I just do that to her, though? Put her in a random building full of strangers where she wouldn’t have anything familiar. I was also scared to death that she’d be neglected and that I’d be too busy with my new job to prevent it.
When I finally pulled back I nodded at Sydney as I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. After another moment I gave Sydney a silent hug and pushed myself off the trampoline. My bare feet met the spongy grass and I walked by all of my friends and stepped through the back door into the house.
I didn’t pause as I moved through the family room and found the staircase that would lead me upstairs. It wasn’t my house, but I’d spent a lot of my childhood roaming the halls. Maddie’s mother, Linda, had been like a second mom to me and I was grateful that Mom and I had her in our lives. When I got to the top of the stairs, I headed towards Maddie’s old room. The door was closed and I didn’t reach for the door knob. Instead, I leaned against it and let myself break down again. I cried into my hands as my back slid against the door until I was sitting in front of it with my arms resting on my knees.
I felt his warm presence next to me and when his arm came around my shoulders, I let my body lean into Matt. He sat on the floor next to me and held me close as I cried like a child. When my cries finally slowed down and turned to sniffles, I lifted my head to look at him.
His bright blue eyes were full of concern and he remained silent as he stared at me. After a moment I broke the silence.
“I’m sorry.” I used the heels of my hands to wipe my face and let out a sigh.
“Never apologize, Manda.” He used his big hand to push my long, dark red hair off my face. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
I let my gaze stay on him for a moment, running my eyes over his face several times. Matt had always been a good looking guy, but the older we got the more he grew into his handsome looks. I tentatively reached my hand up and ran my fingertips along the barely-there stubble on his chin. It had been a long time since we had been this close and alone. Without thinking about it, I leaned in and pushed my lips to his. Matt remained still, not returning my kiss, and when I pulled back he had furrowed his eyebrows.
“What are you doing, sweets?” He asked, breathing a little faster than before.
I let my thumb drift across his bottom lip and offered a tiny smile. “I don’t know. I never know what I’m doing with you. You just make me feel better and I want to feel better.”
Matt’s frown deepened and he shook his head slightly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I shifted my body so that I was on my knees facing him on the floor. “Probably not.”
I placed my hands on either side of his cheeks before moving my mouth back to his slowly. It took a few seconds before I finally felt him respond.
I brought his top lip between mine and slowly moved my tongue until it connected with his. Matt let out a groan and his arms wrapped around my body, pulling my closer to him until I was straddling his lap on the floor of the hallway.
We kissed feverishly until I was panting, and I pushed my body into his rigid erection that made itself known between my thighs. A soft moan of pleasure escaped me, only to be swallowed up by him.
Matt tore his lips away from mine and let our foreheads rest against each other, his breathing ragged.
“Matt.” I trailed my fingers down his muscled chest until I reached the hem of his shirt and tugged it upwards.
He stared at me for a few heartbeats, indecision on his face, and suddenly his body shifted under me until we were both standing. His lips crashed into mine again as he walked me backwards to the other side of the hall. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him quickly as he maneuvered us into a dark bedroom.
I pulled at his shirt again, and this time he allowed me to pull it over his head before he unzipped my dress. He tugged at the sleeveless straps and dragged them down my arms until the dress was pooled at my feet. His warm fingers ran down my bare back and I shivered slightly at the sensation. I let my own fingers trail down the front of his chest, feeling all of the defined contours until I made it to and unbuttoned his pants. He unhooked my bra and pushed me gently until I was lying on my back in his old bed, disconnecting our lips in the process.
I tossed my strapless bra to the side and Matt’s hot gaze stared at my breasts hungrily. I let my own linger over his bare chest. Matt had the type of body you heard about in movies and books- muscles upon muscles. The right side of his chest had a non-traditional head of a lion tattooed on it in black and gray. On his left side, he had some intricate design that trailed from his shoulder and down his bicep.
He moved slowly until I could feel his breath on my bare nipple and I moaned when he pulled it into his mouth. He continued to suck unhurriedly, letting one hand gently tease my other breast while the other skimmed along the top of my panties. I let my eyes close in pleasure, running my fingers through his hair and pushing my body into his.
Matt pulled back and used both hands to drag my underwear down my legs, standing as he did so. Reaching into his pocket, he opened his wallet and produced a condom, tossing it on the bed near my legs. He pulled his jeans down slowly, his boxers following, and I licked my lips as I stared at his impressive cock. He let out a chuckle and I reluctantly moved my eyes to his face. A soft smile was on his lips as he crawled back over my body, reconnecting our lips and skimming his hand up my bare leg.
Wrapping one of my legs around his waist, I pulled his body closer to mine and I moaned when his erection grazed between my legs. Matt suddenly sat up on his knees, grabbed the condom next to us, and slid it on. His body covered mine again and I let my legs fall open as he pushed inside of me slowly.
I inhaled sharply as he filled me perfectly, like a missing puzzle piece. His eyes fluttered shut and he remained as still as a statue for a moment.
“Just a second,” he said quietly through clenched teeth. “Just give me a second or else this is going to be over really quick.”
My body tingled with his words and I wiggled my hips involuntarily.
Matt bit back a groan and pulled back slightly before thrusting into me. I gasped, clawing at his neck with one hand and fisting the sheets with the other. Each thrust made me feel like my body was coiling tighter and tighter. As his pace quickened, I let one of my legs hook back around his hip and I pushed my lips to his sweaty neck.
Matt’s hand wrapped around my entwined thigh and he let his fingers pinch my nipples roughly. I moaned loudly as I felt the coil reach the breaking point and when Matt released my nipple to reach between my legs, I cried out loudly as the tension snapped. My body disconnected from itself and I let the waves of pleasure envelope me to take me away. Matt’s thrusts quickened and he let out a satisfied groan as I came back down from my pleasure-high. His hips stopped moving and he let his head drop to my shoulder.
We both breathed heavily and I opened my eyes slowly, bringing them to meet Matt’s. I loved this man so much and wanted more than anything to be with him. The bleak outlook of the future invaded my brain and I remembered why I wasn’t. My body tensed as I realized what a selfish person I was. He was looking down at me with a tender look on his face, and I averted my eyes from his as I pushed up on him gently.
Matt obliged, pulling out of me and sitting on his knees as his face morphed into confusion.
“Are you okay?” He reached a hand out for me and I moved out of his range.
“God, Matt. I’m so sorry.” I bent down and grabbed my panties, pulling them up quickly before snatching my bra. “I’m such a selfish bitch. You don’t deserve that.”
He shook his head rapidly. “I don’t understand.”
I stepped into my dress and pulled it back up. “I can’t- We can’t- This doesn’t change anything.” I reached back to zip it the best and I could and moved towards the door. As I reached for the doorknob, I paused, turning to look at Matt. He was still on his knees, his perfect body on display, but sadness in his eyes.
“So, that’s it?” He asked quietly, boring holes into me with his gaze.
I raked my fingers through my hair and nodded quickly. “This doesn’t change anything,” I repeated softly, my voice a whisper. I took five steps forward and let my lips brush his gently before stepping back. “I am so sorry.”
I walked through the door, not wanting to see that look on his face, and I raced down the stairs. I snagged a hair tie out of the downstairs bathroom and went back outside, pulling my hair up into a ponytail as I did. I looked around at everyone on the patio, and no one noticed I had reappeared until my gaze collided with Sydney’s. She narrowed her eyes and my own widened momentarily before I brought my face into a neutral mask and fell into a chair near the fire.
I didn’t look back at Sydney and I barely listened as Maddie and her mom discussed wedding plans. Matt reappeared a few minutes after me, and I was very careful not to let my eyes meet his for the remainder of the time we were there.
When I climbed into the backseat of Josh’s truck an hour later, I let my head fall back in shame. I knew Matt had feelings for me and yet I climbed in bed with him the first second I felt needy. I couldn’t stand the thought that I’d hurt him. The love I felt for Matt made my chest hurt, but I knew that I wasn’t any good for him and I definitely couldn’t let that happen again.