Saving Sara (Redemption #1) (22 page)

37.

S
ara had spent the last week existing in some weird dreamlike state, the same odd floaty feeling she’d had when Delivery Boy had asked her out all those years ago.

She had the same tummy tumbles and heart pitter-patters, the same goofy grins and vivid daydreams.

But this time, the object of her fantasies liked her back and it was a heady feeling.

Jake was incredible. Attentive and caring, sweet and funny. And the kind of unselfish lover who made her feel like a goddess.

They’d spent a lot of time together, doing fun stuff with Olly during the days, then naughty stuff beneath the covers at night. It had been an amazing week, culminating in dinner at her place tonight where Olly had helped her cook fajitas and they’d eaten cross-legged on her living room floor.

But something was making her uneasy and she couldn’t
figure
out what it was. She’d initially attributed it to being happy for the first time since Lucy’s death, so maybe the niggly feeling was guilt. She’d pondered it at length, had analyzed it from every angle, but what she had with Jake was too good to make her feel guilty.

Her musings had taken a different route then, and she’d
wondered
if spending so much time with Olly was making her uneasy. But she’d dismissed that as nonsense because she’d got past her funk where kids were concerned.

So what the heck was making her this edgy?

Olly ran into the room and skidded to a stop in front of her. “Uncle Jake has gone home for a minute to get my flavored milk. He’ll be back soon.”

“In that case, why don’t you sit here and we’ll chat.” She patted the floor next to her. “Or maybe we can tell stories.”

“Cool.” Olly flopped onto the floor and rested his back against the sofa. “My mom tells good stories but she’s still in that hospital place getting better.”

Sara had no idea how much Olly knew about Rose. Jake had told her plenty but she didn’t want to make the mistake of divulging too much, so she gave a noncommittal murmur.

“I really like hanging out with you and Uncle Jake.” Olly glanced up at her, his expression serious. “If my mom doesn’t come home, can I live with you and Uncle Jake and you be my mom?”

Sara froze. Not that Olly’s scenario would ever come to
fruition
, but the moment his question had penetrated her loved-up fog, she knew what had been nagging at the edge of her consciousness.

In getting too close to Jake, she’d opened herself up to the possibility of commitment. And commitment ultimately led to complications she couldn’t contemplate, like living together and children.

When she didn’t answer, Olly looked crestfallen. “It’s okay if you don’t want to—”

“Sweetie, anyone would love to have you live with them but your mom will be home before you know it.”

A spark of hope lit his eyes. “You think?”

“I know.” She slid an arm around his shoulders and hugged him tight. “She loves you very much and I bet she’s counting down the days ’til you’re with her again.”

“I miss her a lot.” He leaned into her, in that snuggly way that only kids could do.

It broke her heart that she’d never have the chance to do this with Lucy again, but for now, she relished the feel of a warm little body tucked into hers.

“Will you and Uncle Jake have kids? Because I’d sure like someone to play with.”

An image of a tousled haired, blue-eyed boy sprang to mind, a boy the carbon copy of his father, and it steadied her resolve like nothing else.

She couldn’t have Jake’s or any other man’s baby.

“You’ve got plenty of friends in town,” she said, deflecting his initial question and wishing Jake would hurry up. “Shall we get the ice cream ready while we’re waiting for your uncle?”

“Yeah.” Olly leapt to his feet. “Can I have chocolate sprinkles on mine?”

“Absolutely.”

Rattled by Olly’s innocent questions and the deep-seated
yearning
he’d stirred up with his cuddle, Sara needed some time to compose herself. “Would you like to watch cartoons while I get the ice cream ready?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool.” Olly sat cross-legged on the floor and waited for her to turn on the TV.

With his elbows propped on his knees, chin resting in his hands, he looked adorable and she wanted to scoop him up and snuggle him tight.

Sadness clogged her throat and she swallowed before turning her back on him and marching into the kitchen.

This is what came of opening herself up to the possibility of attachment. If a simple embrace brought on tears and this much emotion, she was already way too attached to Olly. To his uncle, too, but she wouldn’t think about that now. Blubbering over the ice cream would be uncool.

Uneasy, she busied herself getting out the bowls and spoons, trying not to remember how she used to do the same for Lucy and how much her little girl had adored anything strawberry flavored.

She was sure Olly had said he wanted chocolate sprinkles on his ice cream, but she wondered if he’d want that if he knew all she had in the freezer was strawberry.

“Olly, do you still want chocolate sprinkles on strawberry ice cream or do you prefer it plain?”

Olly didn’t answer and she shook her head. What was it with kids and TV? Or any electronic device, for that matter, that sapped their focus.

“Olly? Did you hear me?” She yelled louder this time but silence greeted her.

Ignoring a twinge of apprehension, she huffed out an exasperated breath and marched back to the living room.

To find Olly gone.

“Olly?” Trying to keep her tone steady, she glanced around the room, like he’d miraculously appear.

Mentally chastising herself for being foolish, she walked down the hallway toward the bathroom. “You in there, Olly?”

The lights were off.

Hell.

“Olly, where are you?” She ran from room to room, her panic rising as she searched to no avail.

By the time she’d scoured the whole house, her heart was pounding so loudly she could hardly hear herself think.

Then she spied the front door. It was closed but unlocked, and she froze, a thousand horrific scenarios flashing through her head.

No one locked their doors in Redemption. But she hadn’t been able to break the habit since arriving here. Which meant either she’d forgotten to lock the door after Jake and Olly had arrived . . .

Or Olly had unlocked it and snuck out.

Chills racked her body and she started to shake. Logically, she would’ve heard him unlock the door, open it and close it behind him. But all logic had fled and she was now in full-blown pan
ic mode.

Dragging in deep breaths, she gave it one last shot.

“Olly, if you’re here, you need to come out now!” She bellowed. “Otherwise you’ll be banned from TV and treats for a month.”

An empty threat she wouldn’t have any control over, but sometimes kids reacted to threats when they wouldn’t listen to reason. Not the best parenting, but when desperate, moms used what th
ey could.

She heard a scuffling sound behind her and spun around, sagging against the wall in relief when she spied Olly crawling out from a wicker basket that Gran used to store wool in.

“I don’t want to be banned,” he said, managing to look fearful and contrite at the same time. “I used to play that hiding game with Mom and she’d pretend she couldn’t find me and I’d be really quiet like a mouse, then I’d leap out and surprise her.” Olly wrinkled his nose. “Only it didn’t sound like you wanted to be surprised.”

Tears burned Sara’s eyes but she willed them away. Crying in front of Olly would only scare him and she didn’t want to taint a game he obviously liked playing with Rose.

But he’d taken ten years off her life and she had to say
something
.

“I didn’t know you were playing a game, Olly, so you sc
ared me.”

“Sorry, Sara.” Downcast, he stared at his feet, biting his bot
tom lip.

“It’s okay,” she said. Her legs finally felt strong enough to move, and she crossed the room to squat in front of him. “Maybe you save that game to play with your mom, okay?”

He nodded and raised his head. “Can I still have ice cream?”

“You bet.” She ruffled his hair and he bolted toward the kitchen, the incident forgotten.

If only it were that easy for her.

As Sara switched off the TV and followed at a more sedate pace, she knew she’d received the wakeup call she needed.

She couldn’t do this anymore.

Couldn’t pretend like she was okay entering into a potential relationship with a man, no matter how incredible he was.

Because those few moments when she couldn’t find Olly had reinforced why she could never have kids again.

She couldn’t go through that kind of panic, that mind-altering dread when something happened to a child under her care.

She couldn’t be a mother, ever again. She couldn’t risk losing another child.

It had almost killed her when Lucy died; she could never go through it again.

And that meant ending things with Jake now, before they got in any deeper.

Jake found them a few minutes later, adding sugary toppings to strawberry ice cream, but Sara could barely look at him as he came through the door.

Intuitive as ever, Jake put the milk into the fridge and came to stand close, his hand resting in the small of her back. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She brandished the toppings in her hands. “Sprinkles or chocolate?”

He ducked to whisper in her ear. “You’re sweeter than any of that stuff so can I have you?”

She forced a laugh and squirmed away. “There are children present.”

“When there’s ice cream in front of Olly, he wouldn’t hear an explosion.” Jake paused then and scrutinized her closely. “You sure everything’s okay? Did something happen when I was next door?”

“Everything’s fine.”

But it wasn’t, and Sara counted down the next thirty minutes until they finished dessert and Jake had to take Olly home. Cilla had texted him and said she wouldn’t be home tonight, for which Sara was doubly thankful. It meant Jake couldn’t come back over to her place and that, hopefully, Cilla and Bryce had resolved their differences.

Thanks to Olly’s presence as they said goodbye, Jake couldn’t interrogate her either.

It was for the best. She needed some time to think. Time to devise a way to extricate herself from this relationship before she got in too deep.

As she trudged upstairs to draw a bath, she ignored her voice of reason, which insisted it was way too late. She wasn’t just in too deep with Jake; she was in so deep she was drowning.

38.

J
ake was nursing his second coffee the next morning when Cilla breezed through the back door, wearing yesterday’s clothes and a grin that took ten years off.

“About time you did the walk of shame,” he said, raising his coffee mug in a toast.

“Hush now,” she said, her laugh soft and melodic. “I’ll have none of your smart comebacks, you hear?”

He chuckled and pushed out the chair opposite with his foot. “Sit. I’ll get you a coffee.”

“I’ve already eaten,” she said, and blushed. “Bryce made me breakfast.”

“So you and the doc are back on speaking terms?” he deadpanned, well aware the glow his aunt sported attested to more than a late night chat with the doc. “Good for you.”

“Bryce is a good man,” she said, her blush intensifying. “I may have misjudged him.”

“It’s good to see you so happy,” he said, meaning it. If anyone deserved happiness, his aunt did. “But please let me know if you’re planning any shenanigans around here so Olly and I can make ourselves scarce.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Her glower hardly packed a punch when it was accompanied by a satisfied smirk. “How was dinner at Sara’s last night?”

“Good.” At least, it had been until he’d popped back here to grab Olly’s favorite strawberry milk.

When he’d got back to Sara’s, she had been tense and jumpy, at complete odds with the woman he’d spent the last week with. He’d tried to pry the information out of Olly when they’d got home, but in typical distracted six-year-old fashion, Olly had been more intent on getting his bedtime story read than discussing what he’d talked about with Sara.

He’d wanted to call her but he knew she could fob him off too easily over the phone, so he’d bided his time until now.

“Your dour expression says otherwise.” Cilla sat opposite him. “Did something happen?”

“Not that I know of, but toward the end of the evening she became fidgety and edgy, like something was wrong.”

Cilla hesitated. “You don’t think you’ve been spending too much time together?”

He shook his head. “She’s been happy the last week. We both have. I left her alone with Olly for a few minutes and when I came back she was different.”

Cilla frowned. “She’s been at ease with Olly for ages now, so it’s not that.”

“I know, but it must be something.”

Damned if he knew what it was, despite mulling all night.

“Why don’t you ask her?” Concern clouded Cilla’s eyes. “I’m not sure if this is relevant, but I saw her packing her car with what looked like an overnight case as I was driving up.”

“Crap.” Jake stood and headed for the door. “Can you watch Olly for a few minutes?”

She nodded. “Take your time.”

Apparently Jake didn’t have much time, though: as he sprinted along Cilla’s driveway, he saw Sara locking up. He vaulted the hedge between their driveways and jogged toward her, belatedly realizing he looked like a desperate lunatic when she stared at him in surprise.

“You’re leaving?” Not his best opening. Her lips compressed into a thin, unimpressed line.

“Heading back to the city for a few days,” she said, annoyingly unflappable as she opened the driver’s door and leaned down to fling her handbag inside. “Scouting a few galleries that are interested in showing my pyrography pieces. I emailed them pictures a while back.”

“You never mentioned it,” he said, icy dread making him numb. They’d talked a lot over the last week and not once had she mentioned the possibility of her work taking her back to N
ew York City.

He felt like a chump, when all he’d been thinking about was ways he could viably stay in Redemption and make their relationship work.

“It’s something I’ve been toying with.” She shrugged. “Worth testing the waters to see how I go.”

“Yeah,” he said, because what else could he say without sounding churlish? “Hope it goes well.”

“Thanks.” She made a grand show of looking at her watch. “I’m running late, so I’d better go.”

“Just like that,” he said, unable to keep the rancor from his tone.

She flinched a little, which he took as a good sign. Meant s
he wasn
’t totally indifferent to what they had, no matter how muc
h she
was trying to prove otherwise.

“Listen, Jake, this isn’t the time or place to have this conversation, but I can’t do this.”

His blood chilled. “Do what?”

“Have a full-blown relationship. The kind of relationship that ends in commitment and kids and the works.” She tapped her chest. “I’m not cut out for that anymore. I can’t do it. And it’s not fair on you for me to pretend otherwise.”

“Whoa.” He held up his hands. “You’re jumping way ahead. Why can’t we just have fun for a while?”

Her mouth drooped. “Because we both know we’re beyond f
un already.”

He had no comeback for that because dammit, she was right. What they had far surpassed what he’d had with any other woman and he didn’t want to give it up.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Jake, and I’m scared that’s what will ultimately happen if we keep dating.” She took a deep bre
ath and
blew it out again before continuing. “Let’s cool it for a while an
d stay
friends, okay?”

It wasn’t okay, not by a long shot. But he couldn’t think of one damn thing to say to change her mind.

So he stood there like a dummy and watched the woman he loved drive away.