Saving Room for Dessert (32 page)

“And I am to understand that any ruling, by any of these committees, that any and all rulings and findings can be appealed
eventually to the Court of Common Pleas?” Valcanas said.

“Mr. Hepburg?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Fine,” Valcanas said, resuming his seat. “I just wanted it on the record. Nothin’ like knowin’ where you can go if you don’t
like the show.”

“Excuse me?” Mrs. Remaley said, eyebrows arched ominously.

“I beg the committee’s pardon for my levity,” Valcanas said.

“Levity? You think that was funny? What are you implying? You implying this is nothing but a show? I hope that’s not what
you’re doing, Mr., uh, Mr.—”

“Valcanas, ma’am. Do you want me to spell it?”

“Mr. Valcanas—no, you don’t need to spell it, I’ve heard of you. But I want to assure you this is anything but a show. An
unarmed citizen of this community was shot and permanently injured by an armed officer of this community’s police department,
and I find nothing funny about that—”

“Objection, ma’am. Strictly speaking, we still have no evidence that anybody shot anybody—”

“Why the man’s sitting right there, he walked in here on crutches, the only answer he was allowed to give before you interrupted
him was he said he’d been shot by the officer sitting next to you, what more evidence do you need?”

“Oh, Madam Chairperson, I need a lot more than that. The witness’s assertion is not evidence, it’s merely an allegation. You
see, I was not present when the alleged shooting occurred, and if I might make an assumption here, I doubt that you were either,
and furthermore, what I see in the witness chair is a man, with crutches, wearing a soft cast on his right leg, but all I’ve
heard so far is his allegation, number one, that his kneecap was shattered by a bullet, and, number two, that my client fired
that bullet, but since I’d never seen this witness until just a few moments ago, I have no way of knowing his capacity for
truth and veracity. In other words, Madam Chairperson, while it seems obvious to me you’ve accepted the witness’s story in
its entirety before he’s even had a chance to tell it in any detail, I must say that I am somewhat skeptical by nature and
that I require more than a mere allegation by a witness of unknown character that an event happened the way he would like
you to believe it happened. I apologize for taking up so much time with my objection.”

“Why you sat right there when I called this committee to order, this inquiry to order, and I said specifically that, uh, that
Mr, Hornyak had been shot—”

“That you did, Madam. But that was merely
your
assertion—”

“Merely my assertion? Why the whole town knows this!”

“I’ve lived here all my life, Madam, and I know no such thing.”

“Well you’re just being a lawyer, that’s all! You’re just trying to get your client off no matter what!”

Valcanas cleared his throat and quickly swallowed his smile. “I’ve never heard it put quite that way, Madam, but, uh, I agree,
yes, I am just being a lawyer. And if my client is going to be tried here on politicians’ assertions and allegations, then
you can bet everything you own that I will get my client off no matter what. Or die trying.”

“I beg your pardon, I am
not
a politician!”

“You were appointed by a politician, Madam, it amounts to the same thing—”

“I’ll ignore that because we have proof—overwhelming proof I might add—that your client shot Mr. Hornyak!” Mrs. Remaley said,
her face reddening. “Your client’s own written report, for God’s sake, of what happened, and … and, there are medical reports,
there are reports from emergency medical technicians who took him to the emergency room, and reports from the doctors who
operated on him—”

“So you say, Madam, so you say. But as yet none of these documents have been introduced as evidence. Neither you nor any member
of this committee has thus far presented one shred of evidence—”

“Because you won’t sit down and shut up—”

“I object to your tone and diction, Madam—”

“And I object to you standing up every time anybody says anything and objecting to everything that anybody’s trying to do
here!”

“Counsel,” Valcanas said to Hepburg, “perhaps you could ask for a long recess and introduce Madam Chairperson to the
Rules of Evidence
—”

“Don’t you patronize me, I know what you’re trying to do—”

“I’m trying to make sure my client gets a fair and impartial hear-ing according to the
Rules of Evidence
codified by the legislature of this commonwealth over the past couple of centuries, not to mention his rights under the federal
Constitution—”

“Don’t mention anything else, you’re out of order! Sit down!”

“Once again I object to your tone and diction, Madam.”

“I don’t care what you object to, sit down!”

“I believe now the record shows that the committee chairperson apparently believes she has been appointed queen for the duration
of this inquiry—”

“Oh that’s enough out of you! Officer? Officer? You in the back there?”

“Yes, ma’am?” Patrolman Fischetti said.

“Remove this man!” Mrs. Remaley pointed her finger at Valcanas.

“Excuse me?”

“Remove him! He’s out of order!”

“Madam Chairperson,” Counsel Hepburg said, walking slowly toward her. “You can’t do that, ma’am.”

“What? Why not? Who says I can’t? That man’s contemptible! He’s doing everything he can to obstruct this inquiry!”

“Uh, Madam, he’s defending his client—”

“Defending his client?! He won’t let anybody get a word in edgewise! Anytime anybody says anything he’s raising his hand and
objecting. We’re not going to get anything done that way—”

“Indeed you’re not, Madam,” Valcanas said.

“There he goes again! I want him removed! Officer, I’m ordering you to remove this man!”

“Uh, I was, uh, I was just supposed to call the witnesses, ma’am. And hold the Bible,” Fischetti said. “I don’t think I’m
allowed to remove a lawyer, uh, least that wasn’t in my orders—”

“Is everybody here trying to thwart me?!”

“If you’re not going to play by the
Rules of Evidence
, I certainly am,” Valcanas said.

“You’re contemptible!” Mrs. Remaley said, standing up and shoving her chair back. “You’re in contempt of me! We’ll just see
about this, I’m calling a recess, I’m going to see the mayor, we’ll just see what he has to say about this. But for the record
here—you want things on the record, mister? Well you put this on your record. I want everybody here to know I think you’re
in contempt of me!”

Valcanas laced his fingers together, put them behind his head, and leaned back in his chair. He watched Mrs. Remaley stomp
out of the room, then looked at Rayford and winked.

Rayford leaned close to Valcanas’s ear and whispered, “Uh, was that what you meant when you said you were gonna get her flustered?
’Cause she looked a lot more than just flustered to me, I mean, uh, she looked seriously pissed off.”

“What I was doing was get on that tape that I have a right to appeal any ruling or finding here and also that she doesn’t
have a clue what she’s doin’. And, if I do say so myself, I succeeded admirably. So now you can sit back, relax, enjoy the
show. I guarantee she’s gonna give me another ground for appeal every time she opens her mouth. The more she screws up, the
closer we get to a judge. One with enough common sense to declare any finding by this committee null and void. Excuse me,
I gotta take a dump. Don’t let her start without me.”

“Don’t let her start? Why’s she goin’ listen to me?”

“Just stand up and say you have federal and state constitutional guarantees to have counsel present—and keep sayin’ it till
I get back. Be polite. Be firm. Just don’t let her intimidate you. Gotta go.”

Valcanas was back in plenty of time. The recess Mrs. Remaley called to settle the issue of her authority dragged on for ten
minutes. Then fifteen. Then twenty. When she reappeared she was followed by the mayor himself, who stopped just inside the
door and made some signs to Councilman Trautwine, who told Valcanas that the mayor wanted to see him.

Valcanas whispered to Rayford, “This oughta be good for at least one laugh,” and took a while ambling back to the mayor.

Rayford turned around and watched the mayor leaning in close to Valcanas’s ear and talking with many gestures for nearly two
minutes. Valcanas never said a word. The mayor patted Valcanas on the shoulder a couple of times and gave him a serious smile
and several nods. Valcanas turned and walked back to his seat, stood there a moment collecting himself, and then said, “Is
the recorder back on?”

“It is now,” Councilman Trautwine said.

“Are you going to object to something else again?” Mrs. Remaley said.

“No, ma’am, I just want to say for the record that Mayor An-gelo Bellotti has asked me to go easy on you, Madam Chairperson,
so we can get this matter behind us, because he said, just a minute ago, at the back of this room, and I’m quoting him exactly
here, you don’t know your ass from a ham sandwich, end quote.”

“What?!” Mrs. Remaley said. “Why you miserable old goat—”

“Object to your tone and to that sobriquet, Madam.”

“We’ll see about this,” Mrs. Remaley said, jumping up and knocking her chair back so that it rocked precariously on its back
legs before settling forward again. She stomped out of the room again, with Valcanas calling after her, “Is this still part
of the first recess, or is this a new one—does anybody know?”

Councilman Figulli came around the committee table to Valcanas and bent over and whispered, “Hey, Mo, Jesus Christ, you made
your fuckin’ point, whattaya want? The sooner you shut up and let her finish what she wantsa do, the sooner we all go home—
and don’t you fuckin’ dare pull that shit on me you just pulled on Bellotti, you prick. ’Cause you do? Behind your office
there? I’ll find leaks in your gas line, your sewer line, your water line, I’ll have your parkin’ lot tore up for two, three
months. And I’m also sure code enforcement will find a few things wrong with your office john, you hear? So stop fuckin’ with
her, she’s a big enough pain in the balls without you bustin’ her chops every coupla seconds.”

“As usual, Egidio, your eloquence is inspiring. It moves me to try to reach common ground with the chairperson. Uh, there
is one thing though. It’s rumored that you and Mrs. Remaley are related in some way, could that be possible? She wouldn’t
be your wife’s cousin, would she?”

“See? There ya go, ya prick, you can’t leave well enough alone, always gotta be nosin’ around, now you’re tryin’ to bust my
balls, and I’m tellin’ ya, don’t do that.”

“Egidio, how could a man of your persuasive powers allow this to happen? Seriously, you couldn’t talk her out of this? You
couldn’t tell her what was gonna happen every time she opened her mouth? Looks to me like one of you is carrying a large debt.
Or a large grudge. Want me to speculate?”

“Aw c’mon, Mo, for Christ sake, just let her alone, please?”

“No can do. Every time she demonstrates through her ignorance that she’s runnin’ a kangaroo court here, I’m gonna spank her.
For me to do any less would make me ineffective counsel, and it’d be easier for me to grow hair than do that. So you wanna
get this farce over with, take a little control here yourself, tell your counsel the next witness he oughta call is Joseph
Buczyk.”

“Oh what, he’s talkin’ now? Since when?”

Valcanas sighed and shook his head. “What the hell do you do all day besides ride around in a city truck and look for potholes?
Course he is. DA signed the plea agreement at least a week ago. Sometimes, Egidio, I swear you pols communicated better when
you used to pound on hollow logs with sticks.”

“Yeah yeah. So no shit now, he signed a deal?”

“Why would I make that up?”

“Aw, this is such bullshit. What a waste a time.”

“Not to mention actual Yankee dollars.”

“Huh? What’re you talkin’ about, Yankee dollars?”

“Well you don’t think I’m going to bill my client for defending him against this ridiculous attempt to besmirch his character,
do you? The minute this farce is history, I’m going straight to the courthouse to sue the city to pay my fee and expenses.
And you know how those closet Republican judges love to bust your Democratic balls.”

“Oh you would, wouldn’t ya? Christ. Lemme go talk to Hep-burg.”

Valcanas stretched and whispered to Rayford, “I do believe we might be out of here in time for happy hour at Mr. P’s.”

W
HEN
H
EPBURG
finished questioning Peter Hornyak, Valcanas stood and walked to the far right of the committee’s table to put them between
Hornyak and himself. Valcanas pursed his lips for a moment and said, “It’s your testimony, is it, that Officer Rayford never
ordered you or commanded you to get down or get on the ground?”

“Yeah. That’s my testimony.”

“And you also said you have no idea why he shot you, right?”

“That’s right.”

“You were just standing there in front of your home, correct?”

“Correct.”

“Minding your own business, correct?”

“Correct.”

“And Officer Rayford just drove up, parked his police vehicle across the street from your house, and without warning, without
reason, without provocation from you, he just opened fire?”

“That’s right.”

“Fired two shots,correct?”

“Correct.”

“Missed you with the first one, correct?”

“Correct.”

“And struck you in the right knee with the second, correct?”

“Correct.”

“Mr. Hornyak, before Officer Rayford arrived, what were you doing?”

“Uh, nothin’.”

“You weren’t having a verbal dispute with one of your neighbors, specifically a Mr. Joseph Buczyk?”

“We were just talkin’.”

“Just talking, huh? No dispute though, right?”

“Right.”

“Amiable conversation. About the weather perhaps? Or about baseball perhaps?”

“Somethin’ like that.”