Saving My Submission BN (27 page)

“I don’t want her encouraging him. Not. At. All,”
Joshua stated emphatically.

“You need to lighten up, man,” Ian warned. “You know
damn good and well we’re going to keep her hidden away nice and safe.”

“I know that. But I won’t use her as bait. Not for you
or anyone else.”

“Okay, just forget I mentioned it. We don’t have to go
that route,” Ian tried to soothe Joshua, but anger continued to roll off his
body.

I placed my hand on his thigh in hopes it might relax
him. It took several long seconds before I felt some of the tension leave his
muscles.

“Who all is going to be there?” Joshua asked.

“We’ve got me of course and a couple guys from my team
coming. Drake… he’s arranged for
Trev
to stay with
Mika and Julianna. I guess Savannah came unglued and topped all over the place,
refusing to stay behind. So she’ll be there, too with Dylan and Nick… wearing a
nice red ass, I’ll bet,” Ian chuckled.

“Coming where?” I asked.

“To the cabin,” Ian replied.

“What cabin?”

“
Ahh
, I haven’t had a chance
to talk to her about that yet, bro,” Joshua sighed.

“Oh, my bad. Sorry, man.”

“No problem, I’ll get to it soon.” Joshua glanced my
way with half a smirk.

“What else are you keeping from me?” I demanded in a
sharp, accusatory tone.

“Well, well… look at the time,” Ian snorted. “I’ll let
you two work this out. I
gotta
run. Talk to you
later. Bye.”

He hung up almost instantly and Joshua started to
laugh. “Pussy,” he chuckled, glancing at the disconnected call.

“Well?” I asked impatiently.

Joshua laughed even harder. “That’s the wrong way to
start this conversation, little one. Would you like to start again?” He lifted
his brows in an egotistical arch as he tore his eyes off the road for a split
second.

“Can’t we just be two regular people and have a normal
conversation?”

“I’m not a two-sided coin, little one. What you see is
what you get. With everything that’s happened, I’m sure it’s easier for you to
wear your tough-girl armor. I get that. But it’s my job to keep you in your
place.”

I hung my head and scrubbed my hands over my face. It
was easier for me to confront things head on when presented with a challenge.
Yes, I’d given the man my trust and submission; it filled me with a sense of
completeness, but Joshua wanted me to mesh both the fragile and the strong? It
couldn’t be done. They were two totally separate entities within me.

I sucked in a calming breath and pulled out the
submissive inside. “Would you please tell me about the cabin, Master Stephen?”
I asked, trying oh so hard not to grit my teeth.

His chest expanded and a warm smile tugged his lips.
“I’d love to, little one, after we get some food.”

Joshua signaled, taking the exit ramp, and pulled into
a truck stop. Seated at a booth, I asked him again about the cabin.

“We’ll talk about it in car, Mellie.” He smiled.

I opened my mouth to speak then snapped it shut.
Tossing my head back, I stared at the ceiling and counted to ten. In my
peripheral vision, Joshua smiled and studied the menu.

And the lesson for
today, ladies and gentlemen, is… patience.

He had me so furious I wanted to scream. And I still
hadn’t figured out a way to pilot my own destiny while kneeling at his feet.

What are you whining
about? You can do both; you’re just too scared. Scared to let go of that
stranglehold you have on your willpower. What more does the man have to do to
prove he’s not going to let you down? Okay, so he’s thumped his chest a few
times. He even got a little snippy once, but you asked for it with that sassy
mouth of yours. How many times have
you
lost
control? The scales are tipped, but not in your direction. He wants to help
you, not only when it comes to your submission, but look at him sitting there.
None of the fuck-buddies you’ve had in the past would go out of their way to
keep you out of harm’s way like Joshua has. If you trust him to save your life,
for shit sake, trust him to save your heart. For all the posturing and lip
service you give to the contrary…you really are a coward.

I exhaled a deep sigh, as a frown burrowed over my
face. Tuning out the annoying voice in my head—the same one that had done a
complete one-eighty since I first met Joshua—I closed my eyes. Too exhausted
and confused to try and sort it out, I simply wanted peace of mind for five
damn minutes.

“Is there a winner of that war going on inside your
gorgeous head, Mellie?”

Don’t try lying to him,
but more importantly… don’t lie to yourself anymore.

“Yes, Sir. You are.” Gazing into his eyes, I found
that peace of mind, and I welcomed his penetrating stare without reservation.

“
Hrmm
,” he murmured. “’Bout
damn time. I like it. I like it a lot.”

“Me, too… I think,” I whispered.

Joshua cleared his throat. “Good. I’m glad we’re on
the same page. Now to answer your questions, Ian has a cabin an hour or so from
Chicago. I’ve gone there with him several times. It’s surrounded by six acres
of woods and is secluded.”

“You’ve gone with him alone?” The question popped out
of my mouth before I had a chance to bite it back. I had no right to ask, but
the little green-eyed monster within wanted to know.

“Most of the time he and I went to get away from the
city, to hunt and fish and sometimes we brought along a sub to share,” he
replied directly.

“And exactly why are we going there now?”

“Because it’s away from Chicago, and like I said, very
secluded. It’s where we intend to hide you until this shit with Walker is
over.”

“But why the entourage? I mean, why are Sanna, Dylan,
Nick, Ian and everyone coming, too?”

“Because they’re our friends… our family. They want to
be there to help make sure nothing happens to you… or me.”

“How long are you planning on keeping me there?” I
frowned.
 
My question sounded accusatory.
“That came out wrong. You know what I mean.”

“As long as it takes. Until Davis is arrested,” he
replied resolutely.

“But all those people have jobs. Dylan and Nick can’t
be away from their company for an indefinite amount of time, and I’m dying to
know what Ian does for a living, but they’re not going to be able to stay
forever, and neither are we.”

“Well, unfortunately until Davis is caught, you’re going
to have to turn down any jobs that require you to travel.”

“I can’t do that,” I gasped.

Joshua raised his hands. “Think about it for a minute
before you lose your cool. Okay?”

Dammit, why did he have to use that calm, soothing
tone? Why did he always have to stay in such irritating control all the time? ‘
I’m not a two sided coin, little one. What you see is
what you get.
’ His words echoed in my brain. That was why.

“Yes, I understand. It wouldn’t be safe for me to go
prancing all over the world with some deranged
dipshitiot
after me.”

Joshua laughed. “Exactly.
 
But getting back to your original question,
Dylan and Nick can work from the cabin, and if they have to go back Chicago
then they’ll go. No one is being forced to stay at the cabin, Mellie, not even
you. But they’re there because they want to be. They want to keep you safe.”

After taking a drink of water, he continued. “As for
your curiosity about Ian, he used to be a cop, but now he does private
investigations and bodyguards a few musicians, actors, and an occasional
political candidate or two.”

“Seriously?” I blinked. “He looks like a banker or a
stock broker.”

Joshua laughed. “His unassuming guise is what makes
him so successful. But don’t let him fool you. He can take a man three times
his size down in seconds. Let’s just say you definitely want Ian on your side.”

“So we’re all just going to hang out at the cabin
until Davis is arrested? That’s the plan?”

“Yes, unless you have a better one?”

“No.” I frowned. “It just seems way over the top. I mean,
I know he threatened to kill us, but don’t you think this is all a bit…
excessive?”

Joshua sobered. “We’ve only known each other a short
time, Mellie, but you mean a whole lot to me. I don’t want to lose another
woman who’s touched my heart.”

His confession would normally have sent me zinging out
the door like a super-sonic jet, but there was no way to deny it; he’d touched
my heart, too.

Suddenly I heard my sister’s voice in my head,
“It’s okay to let someone in. It’s okay to take a
chance, because it’s so worth it. I could keel over and die tomorrow, but I’d
go happy. I have these two incredible, wonderful men in my life who fill me
full of all the things I’d been missing. The joy outweighs the risk by so much,
it’s incomprehensible.”

The joy, completeness, and unconditional acceptance
I’d found with Joshua in the few short days I’d known him brought new meaning
to Sanna’s words. I didn’t know what the crazy connection we shared meant, but
it meant something. Maybe not love, but definitely something.

“You mean a lot to me too, Joshua.”

A contented smile settled over his face. “Look, I know
things are a mess right now, but later when it’s all straightened out, do you
think you might ever consider moving to Chicago?”

“To Chicago, or in with you?” I asked, watching his
expression closely.

“To Chicago, first. The rest, we’ll take one day at a
time… see what happens,” he clarified with a slight smile.

Four weeks ago I would have responded adamantly, ‘
No
’. Although I was swimming in unchartered
waters, Joshua suddenly didn’t seem an imposing shark—at least not at the
moment. It was flattering, and a wee bit scary that he’d given conscious
thought to a relationship with me. Sanna was dying for me to be closer to her.
If I lived in the same city, we wouldn’t miss out on so much of each other’s
lives. Besides, if I lived closer maybe I could make up for running away from
her like I did.

“Yes, I’ve thought about it a time or two. Sanna wants
me to move; she’s made that crystal clear. After my last visit, I realize how
much time I stole from the two of us.”

“Don’t. Don’t live with regrets.” He shook his head.
“Learn the lessons life has to teach, and do your best to move on.”

“Is that what you’ve done? After Veronica and Camille
were taken from you?”

Joshua’s expression turned stony. I’d never mentioned
his wife or daughter before. I wasn’t sure if he was going to shut me out or
open up. Honesty and communication had to be a two-way street if he wanted me
to consider pulling up roots and moving to Chicago.

Joshua didn’t answer my question. He simply looked
down at our empty plates, plucked up the check then pulled out his wallet.
Tossing some money on the table, he stood and extended his hand.

“We’ll talk in the car.”

Back on the road, he reached down and wrapped his hand
in mine. The air felt heavy and I swallowed tightly, worried that I’d touched
on a topic too painful for him to discuss.

“Veronica and I were high school sweethearts. She was
an amazing woman, wife, sub and mother. Aside from my parents, there wasn’t another
person on the planet who encouraged me to follow my dreams the way she did. I
won’t lie and say we had a perfect marriage—there is no such thing. Everyone
has their ups and downs, but our ups surpassed our downs ninety percent of the
time.”

I sat quietly, strumming my thumb over his and
listening as he began to open up about his past.

“We never formally joined any lifestyle groups. Hell,
I didn’t even know Genesis existed until after she was gone, but we invented
our own power exchange, I guess you could say. Our desires were polar opposite.
She was a natural born sub and me?” He shrugged. “A Dom. I haven’t let anyone
touch me below the surface since she died, until you.”

Staring out at the road, lost in memories, he fell
silent for several long seconds.

“Surviving isn’t easy, but I can’t wrap my head about
losing… how you survived the loss of little Camille.”

Joshua swallowed tightly. I could swear tears were
welling in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Mellie. I’m not ready to talk about her yet. I
don’t know that I’ll ever be.”

I reached over and trailed my fingers over the side of
his face. “You don’t have to. It’s okay.”

Blinking rapidly, he cleared his throat.

“I owe you an explanation for what happened that night
at the club… in my room. The night I lost my mind and my control,” he scoffed
softly. “When you brought out that amazing submissive and begged to please me…
begged me to use you hard?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“I haven’t had a submissive draw out my Dominance in
such a profound way, since Veronica died.” Silently I drew his hand to my lips
and placed a soft kiss upon the back of it. “I’m so fucking sorry I lost it
that night and hurt you. I could sit here and make excuses for my behavior till
the sun comes up, but I’m not going to do that to you, or to us. I’ve thought a
lot about that night and I realized I hadn’t totally come to terms with losing
my wife… my daughter… or that level of Dominance.”

“I did it on purpose,” I softly confessed. He darted a
glance at me with a quizzical expression. “I didn’t want you holding back on
me. I wanted all of you… all your Dominance. That’s why I begged so hard, and
it was beautiful. You were beautiful.”

“Thank you for telling me that, little one. It helps
ease my guilt.” He gave my hand a squeeze before he continued. “I hadn’t
realized that I’d not dealt with the past, until it came up and grabbed me by
the throat. You took me out at the knees… totally blindsided me, Mellie. The
flashback was brutal. I tried so hard to shove all those feelings back in
place.” He darted a bittersweet smile my way. “I never expected to feel that
level of freedom again.”