Saving Ever After (Ever After #4) (32 page)

It was more
than okay. “Yeah, it’s nice.” I held his hand just a little tighter and turned
to watch the last moments of twilight.

“Things
seemed good with your dad back in there.”

“Yeah, they
are. Now. He really stepped up when I needed him to. He’s been there for me
these past few months. I’ve actually been living with him since I got out of
the treatment center where I was at.”

Chris’ jaw
seemed to clench ever so slightly, so slightly that I wasn’t sure I didn’t
imagine the reaction.

“You look
good, really good. I think I mentioned that already earlier, but you really
do.”

“Thanks. It
hasn’t been easy, but my life really is in a good place right now.”

“I’m glad,
and it’s good that your dad got to be there for you. And Sadie and Jax, and I
heard you even brought the hockey player, so I take it you two are close again.”
I detected little more than a detached curiosity in his almost impassive tone.
I would have believed his indifference were it not for his eyes. When I dragged
mine from the water again, I could see that it was a mask. His voice may have
been without inflection and emotion, and the rest of his features calm, but his
eyes were not. They told me everything I needed to know. He was hurt.

 “Chris,” I said
softly.

“Did you
think about this, us seeing each other again, at all in the last six months?”
The mask slipped a little, but still he was holding back. He was keeping
himself guarded. Against me.

“Only every
single day,” I hit him with the truth and his mask slipped a little more. He
looked away to hide it.

“If you
thought about it so much, then why did you shut me out? One minute you were in
the hospital, and the next you were just gone. Ace told me you didn’t want to
see me. No one would even tell me where you were or how long you would be gone.
It sucked, but I tried to understand what you must have been going through, so
I waited to hear from you, but I never did. Not a single phone call, text,
letter or message in a bottle. Nothing.” He looked at me again, seeming almost
lost. “I thought you hated me until an hour ago when you walked into the
ballroom and looked at me like you’ve spent the past six months missing me as
much as I’ve missed you.”

He missed
me.

I wanted to
gasp or cry or throw my arms around him, but I stood still, not even sure if I
was breathing, just watching him, hating the ache in his voice, because it was
an ache I was all too familiar with. I also heard the guilt he was carrying,
and I knew what that felt like too.

“Can you
just explain it to me? Make me understand.”

Chris

She reached
for my hand again and I let her take it, waiting for her answer, waiting for
her to make sense of the past six months. The not knowing . . . when she was
coming back, if she was coming back, if she hated me, if she was over me . . .
was hell. Six months of being angry at her for being weak and using and hurting
herself, and six months of blaming myself for not being strong enough for her,
not being able to help her, for seeing too late that she was slipping away.

She was just
gone and I was expected to go on with my life, the band, the touring and shows,
all of it, like I wasn’t going out of my damn mind every day thinking about
her, worrying about her, being pissed at her, missing her. All I’d had to hang
onto were Jax and Sadie’s promises that she was okay. I was still trying to
reconcile all of those feelings in my head and the insane and overwhelming
sense of relief I felt with her hand in mine. It was hard to believe that this
was even the same girl I’d witnessed overdose on Christmas morning.

She was
different now, her outward appearance as well as what I could see on the
inside. She’d let her hair grow. It looked good. She looked so much healthier
than the last time I saw her too, and stronger. I could see it, all that
strength I’d known was buried inside her was burning brightly on the surface
now. The life was back in her eyes, and it was as beautiful, maybe even more
beautiful, than I remembered. She’d beat it, beat the darkness. Without me.

Maybe that
was why my anger was resurfacing now when I thought I’d gotten past it. It was
hard to accept that she hadn’t needed me, maybe ever. Every time I’d tried to
help her, I’d only ever made it worse. It wasn’t until she got away from me
that she was able to pull herself up. I didn’t want to believe that she was
better off without me, but the evidence was staring me right in the face with
those fucking intense, gorgeous hazel green eyes.

She finally
drew in a breath and spoke, “Chris,” hearing my name was both pain and
pleasure. Fuck, how I’d missed the way it sounded on her lips. I’d taken it for
granted before. “About that day, you have to know that nothing was your fault.”

Damn. She
knew, and she was trying to take the guilt from me, but I didn’t know if I
could let go of it. There wasn’t a single day that I didn’t relive the horror
of watching her collapse right before my eyes, believing she was going to die,
knowing I could have and should have done something more to prevent it. I
looked out over the water, but her voice drew my attention back to her.

“No, look at
me Chris.” I did. “My choice to ingest all that coke is not on you. I did that
to myself. I was . . .” she closed her eyes briefly, whether trying to block
out the pain of that memory or just to compose herself. Then they reopened.
“You know what kind of shape I was in. Everything I told you the day before, I
was – I was just so lost and hurt and angry, but you didn’t do anything wrong.
You weren’t responsible for me, but you still tried to convince me to get help.
I wouldn’t listen and that’s on me too. I was drowning in the pain. Not even
you could have known how bad it was, because it was so much more than just all
the things I told you.”

I’d gone
back to that day in my head almost as many times as I’d revisited the next
morning. I didn’t know how her pain could have possibly been any deeper than it
had been that day when she opened the floodgates and let me see all of it. Her
bitch of a mom, her absent father, her self absorbed sisters, the assholes who
were supposed to be her friends. Insane jealousy and anger had tore at me
thinking of her being with the other Kris and then him walking out on her, but
it was nothing compared to the rage I’d felt toward those bastards Leland and
Derek. What they’d done to her . . . it still sickened me and filled me with
the urge to inflict violence upon them. That was all so much to deal with. How
could one person hurt more than that? It shredded me just thinking about it. It
had nearly destroyed her and I couldn’t imagine what these past six months had
been like for her.

“If that was
supposed to make me feel better, it didn’t. It physically hurts me to think of
you going through that, that I couldn’t be there to help you face it. Fuck, I
wanted to so badly.” She gave me a sad smile and then silence descended, while
we both just stared out over the water.

“Did you
really mean what you had Spade tell me when he came to see me in the hospital?”
She asked in barely a whisper.

“I wouldn’t
have asked him to tell you if I didn’t.”

Her eyes
squeezed shut for a brief moment, like she was letting it soak in. Then she
fixed her soft gaze on me again. “Every day that I was in treatment, and every
day since I got out, I’ve been drawing strength from those words, telling
myself that I am enough. I know you don’t understand why I kept you away, but
you should know you were with me.”

“Then help
me understand why I couldn’t really be there with you, or even just talk to
you.” Just hearing her voice once during that time would have eased so much of
the worry and ache.

“Because I
had to know I could do it without you.”

Fuck. That
hurt.

“Please
understand that I wanted you with me. Leaving without seeing you was probably the
hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even harder than going to my dad and telling him
I’d been abusing drugs and needed help. I felt like I needed you. I was so sure
that you could make everything better. I thought that if I just had you, all of
the hurt, rejection and loneliness that had pushed me to use, would just go
away, but needing people is part of what got me in that mess to begin with. I
was so tired of needing you to save me, and it wouldn’t have been fair to ask
more of you.  All of the bad ran so deep inside me that it couldn’t just go
away, not for anything or anyone. It was a part of me and had destroyed my
self-worth. I was ashamed of who I’d become, and if I was ever going to be
someone I could stand to see in the mirror, I had to find my own strength. I
needed to find a way to feel good about myself on my own. I also had to be
prepared for the possibility that even when I got better,” she swallowed
thickly and her eyes darted away for a moment before coming back to me. “I had
to be prepared for the possibility that I still might not get what I wanted,
and I had to know I would be okay anyway.”

“I hate
that,” I whispered. “I get it, but I hate it. I hated every second of knowing
you were probably struggling and fighting for your life and that I couldn’t do
anything for you.”

“That’s not
true. I told you, you were with me all the time. I needed to do it for myself,
needed to face all that ugly and fight back, but you’re the one who made me
want to fight. You saved me when you fought for me all those times, and when
you fought to get to me as I was falling to the floor. I saw you and I heard
you screaming my name, and I didn’t give up because I knew that you were on the
other side of all that darkness. Then I woke up and realized a little too late
that I wasn’t alone, that I had people, but I was still so scared. I still felt
like nothing. Then you sent Spade with those damn words, telling me I was
enough, that I had always been enough, and you saved me again, because even
though I didn’t believe it, I wanted to. I was determined to.”

 “Do you?
Believe it now?” I asked.

A long moment
hung between us before her soft voice spoke again.

“It took a
long time for me to stop seeing someone weak and pathetic in the mirror. It was
hard not to hate myself for what I’d done, for using the coke to escape and
hurting so many people with my actions, but my self-loathing was such a huge
part of why I used. It felt like a vicious cycle that I wouldn’t be able to
break, but I did. There was somebody at the facility that helped me to forgive
myself and start forgiving other people. Sadie and my dad were a big part of my
therapy sessions. Even Leila and Cait came for one visit with me and my
counselor, and slowly I got there. I can’t say that I don’t still have low
days, but they’re nothing like the lows before. I know what my weaknesses are,
but that’s okay, because I also know that I’m more than that. I know who I am,
and it is enough. For me, whether it is for anyone else or not.”

Pride filled
my chest and I reached my hand out to rest my palm against her cheek. Her eyes
closed. “What do you see when you look in the mirror now?” Her eyes fluttered
open and I slid my hand back, brushing her hair back behind her ear before
letting my hand fall away.

Her lips
trembled slightly and her voice cracked, “I see someone strong and kind. I see
someone who loves deeply and boldly.” Her voice grew steadier. “I see a young
and passionate girl with a lot still to learn. I see someone beautiful and
worthy and not afraid of life anymore.”

I smiled.
“You see what I’ve always seen.”

She smiled
back with such a tender look in her eyes. “How do you do that? Make me feel so
incredible with just a few simple words and a look. It took me months to find
that kind of confidence on my own and it’s still a daily struggle, but with you
. . . I feel like more than I ever thought I could be.”

“It’s not me.
I’m just showing you what I see. What I know. It’s you, and you are more. So
much more. I won’t say I knew it the first time I ever saw you, because it took
me a long time to come to my senses, but it was always there. Even when you got
lost.”

“I’m sorry I
got lost for so long, but thank you for seeing me.”

I couldn’t
resist tugging her into my chest and wrapping my arms around her.

“I’m sorry I
didn’t realize what was in front of me sooner,” I whispered into her hair.

“I’m not,”
she mumbled against my chest, surprising me. “There’s so much I regret, and
maybe we both made mistakes, mostly me, but even though you saw those things in
me, and believed in me, I didn’t. I think it had to be this way. Not that I had
to use the drugs, but I just mean that I was lost long before I met you, or
maybe not completely lost, but I was slowly losing bits of myself. I didn’t
even know who I was. I think that if anything had happened between us before, I
would have found a way to mess it up with my insecurities and doubts, and I
know losing you would have been bad.” She squeezed me tighter. “Really bad, and
I think I still would have ended up here. The only difference is you might not
be standing beside me. I still would have found my way to rock bottom, but I
might not have been able to get back up without the hope that you would be here
when I did.”

Maybe she
was right. Maybe it was always going to lead here. This moment. I guess you
never really know how one decision or a bunch of little ones can change
everything. Maybe I couldn’t have saved her from everything no matter what I
did differently, but in this moment I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else, but
right beside her.

“I’m here,
and there’s not anywhere else I’d rather be.”

She inhaled
deeply and then let it all out in a heavy sigh, her head still against my
chest. “This is exactly where I want to be too.”

We stayed
like that for quite a while, me just holding her, neither of us wanting to let
go.  The sun was long gone, having sunk down below the water, but still we
stood at the edge of the shore, wrapped in each other while the cold breeze
blew around us. It was such a small thing, to just be able to hug her and have
her in my arms, but it felt like the biggest thing in the world and I didn’t
want to let go.

It was one
of those moments that you never see coming, you never expect or anticipate,
because it doesn’t seem possible that something so simple could feel so right
and perfect. Until you’re staring that moment in the face, or holding it in
your arms, you just can’t know what that’s like.

She buried
herself deeper into my chest, arms pressed between us, clutching at my shirt
and I felt her body shake just slightly. I realized I could feel the chill on
her skin. Her dress and the sweater she wore were too thin to provide any
warmth. As much as I didn’t want to let go of the moment, I pressed my mouth
against the top of her head and spoke into her silky, fruity smelling hair. “We
should get back inside.”

“Can we stay
like this just a little longer?”

“Yeah, we
can stay out here a little longer,” I let out a contented sigh. I felt like I
could stay like this all night, holding her close, feeling her softness and the
way her steady breathing matched the cadence of mine. But eventually it grew
colder and I had to take her back inside. I placed a kiss on top of her head
before pulling away from her.

“If we stay
out here any longer, you’ll turn blue.”

She smiled
up at me, “I wouldn’t mind. I don’t want to say goodnight yet.”

“I know, but
we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

I held out
my hand for her to take, and she reluctantly let me lead her back inside and up
to her room on the third floor. She hesitated outside her door, key card in
hand, and then turned to look at me. “I don’t even know what this is. I mean
after tonight I feel like everything has changed between us, but there is still
so much we didn’t say. Like what are we now? Are we anything? Am I allowed to
kiss you tonight, or hold your hand tomorrow in front of people? What do I tell
people if they ask? I’m sure everyone saw us blow off dinner. They’re going to
have questions, and I have questions and you probably still have questions, and
–” I silenced her nervous rambling by leaning down and gently sealing my mouth
over hers.