Saving Ella (9 page)

             
“Stay as long as you need angel. We have the room. Like I told you last night, today we’ve got two spare beds. Annie and Eli will be out of here in another week.” I was glad they were getting out of here. No child should have to live in a shelter, regardless of how nice it was. “They’ve been here nearly a month now. Eli’s a good kid, he will do well in his own space,” said Jax. I agreed, kids needed a space of their own, a place that didn’t comprise of thirteen homeless women plus staff.

“You know, I’d like to earn my keep while I am h
ere. I can’t cook but I can clean. Maybe I could help around the shelter for a few hours at night?” Jax shook his head.

             
“You don’t need to do that.” I had almost finished the sandwich and I was feeling much better, stronger, more determined.

             
“Clearly, but I want to. I am more than capable of pulling my own weight, and to be honest, I like to keep busy.” Jax considered that for a moment then nodded.

             
“Alright, I know Mercy would be grateful for the help. Mary did most the laundry last night, there is a tone of linen to fold and put away. You can help me clean up the kitchen. I can’t cook for shit either, so I always get clean up duty. I would appreciate the help.” I finished the sandwich and rinsed my plate.

             
“If you point me in the direction of that washing I will get it sorted before dinner.” Jax showed me to the laundry and soon after disappeared, leaving me to the large pile of towels and sheets.

             
Later that night, after my belly was full and I was feeling more alive than I had felt in the last four years, I helped Jax tidy the kitchen. The dishwasher was full and the few pots and pans left over I washed and Jax dried. I had carefully slipped on the gloves over my scarred arms, hoping, praying that he didn’t notice.

             
“You know, you look like you’ve done that before,” Jax teased as I scrubbed a pan, suds up to my elbows. His grin was mischievous and I found myself flicking the scrubbing brush in his direction. White suds landed on his shirt and for a heartbeat I panicked. What the hell had I done? Jax’s eyes sparkled when he scooped up a handful of bubbles and flicked them back at me. He grinned, that big honest grin that made his dimples show. His playful nature was far too addictive and I found myself flinging more suds on him and soon we had abandoned the dishes and we were both sopping wet. I laughed loudly and the sound shocked me. Jax lost some of his smile, thoughtful reflection replacing it.

             
“I like that sound, it suits you. You should use it more.” I blushed, the usual response around Jax now and I let my hair fall forward over my face. That was my answer for everything. Run and hide. It pissed me off that I did it because I was better than that, stronger than that, but for some reason I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Jax brushed my hair over my shoulder so he could see my face.

             
“What happened here?” He gently asked, his thumb tracing my scar again. His touch could not be ignored and the only thing I found frightening about it was the fact I wanted it more. I also found myself wanting to confide, wanting to unburden myself of the secrets that poisoned my soul. “You don’t have to tell me if you would prefer not to. No pressure.” Little did he know that in that moment I did want to tell him. My secrets had been my own for so long, maybe it was time to let them go.

             
“I hit the corner of a table,” I offered. Of course it wasn’t the whole story. Jax nodded.

             
“Was that before or after he hit you,” he asked me matter-of-factly. I hesitated and finally cleared my throat to speak.

             
“After,” I murmured. Jax was silent while I finished the dishes. Quickly I pulled off the rubber gloves and tried to pull my long sleeves back into place. Jax was too perceptive though, it seemed this guy heard, saw and knew everything. He carefully grabbed my hand and I flinched. His penetrating gaze observed me as he continued to hold my hand in a weak grip that I could easily break away from.

             
“I won’t harm you angel. This?” His thumb traced the scar on my wrist. My heart hammered. I didn’t want him to think I had tried to kill myself and I especially didn’t want him to think of me as weak. His eyes held no pity, instead perhaps curiosity, and something else. I was an expert at reading people, at seeing the truth in someone’s eyes, but I couldn’t make out what Jax was seeing and feeling right then. Horror? Fright? Guilt?

             
“It’s not what you think,” I snapped. Jax didn’t react to my abrupt hostility. “I wouldn’t do that to myself. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.” I was angry. Not at Jax, but Marcus. He did this to me he’s the one that ruined me. With blazing eyes of fury I turned to face Jax. I pulled my wrist out of his big warm hand and I angrily pulled my sleeves up and turned my arms over for Jax to see the marks in all their horrid glory. He looked at my scars and the playful joy in his eyes only moments before was completely and utterly gone. He looked at me with questions but did not voice them.

             
“These were mine,” I pointed to the light scars that laced my forearms like a horrifying web of pain. “They were my lowest point. I did things, horrible things with the intention of pissing him off. I hated myself for the way I behaved. I had so much self-loathing I did this to myself. But these,” I pointed to the deep ugly scars on each wrist. “This was him. He drugged me, and he cut me. He told me it was to prove that he owned me and controlled me.” Jax’s fingers lightly traced the scars, the gentle sweep of his fingers betraying the anger in his eyes.

             
“For a long time I hated myself, but I would not kill myself. I would not let him win the game.” I didn’t care if the scars repulsed him like they did me, I just had to be sure he knew I didn’t try to commit suicide. Those warm grey eyes found mine and he nodded, he understood, he believed me.

             
“There you are.” A woman’s voice at the doorway interrupted us. I abruptly pulled my hands away and pulled my sleeves down, taking a hesitant step away from Jax. At the door stood a woman, long blonde hair styled perfectly. Her make up immaculate, dressed in an elegant pencil line skirt and fitted button down top. She looked like a model, glamorous, flawless.

             
“Selena, what the hell are you doing here?” Jax snapped. I winced at the callousness in his voice and was glad he didn’t speak to me like that. The woman, Selena didn’t seem fazed though. Her eyes took me in, a touch of irritation behind them and a whole lot of repulsion. I instantly disliked her.

             
“I told you I wanted to see you tonight. Beth said I would find you out here. I bought a picnic, I thought we could spread it out in your office and have some alone time.” There was no missing the meaning behind “alone time” and she made damn sure I was listening as she stared at me pointedly and spoke in a sing song voice that made me cringe.             

             
“I already ate Selena and you know very well I don’t have an office.” She laughed, it was fake, horrible.

             
“You pay most the bill’s here so your mother’s office is as good as yours.” I could feel the tension rolling off Jax beside me. It made me restless and uncomfortable. This is what I hated, confrontation. This was a trigger and I had to get away from this uncomfortable lovers quarrel. I looked at Selena who was quite obviously a girlfriend, and she was a bitch. I felt like such an idiot. As if a man like Jax would truly care about a damaged little girl like me. He would want a real woman like Selena who looked perfect, no doubt not a scar would mar her beautiful body. I felt sick to my stomach.

             
“Excuse me, I’m just gonna leave you guys that alone time.” I tried to offer Jax a smile, but I know it didn’t reach my eyes. I snuck out of the kitchen and all but ran for the common room. I shook my head at my own stupidity. I had made a fool of myself, I almost allowed myself to care, to want. As if my battered soul could take that kind of risk.

              I still couldn’t believe Selena was standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe that she thought it would be cool to come here and the fact she had looked at Ella with such cold hostility was a reality bitch slap for me. I must have been stark raving mad to have been sleeping with this girl. What the hell was wrong with me, she was a heartless bitch and she just stood here in front of me now, smiling like an arrogant fool. I couldn’t even pretend to contain the anger that boiled at the sight of her.

             
“You need to leave.” I didn’t move towards her. Her eyes flickered with uncertainty, but she quickly put that mask of confidence back on.

             
“Don’t be silly. I came down all this way to see you, the least you can do is have a drink with me. I bought the red you like.” I hated the red, I hated wine full stop. I was more of a beer kind of guy, but Selena liked me to look refined when we went out for dinner, which was rarely. After all, our relationship had mostly been physical. We were not considered an exclusive couple which made me wonder why all of a sudden she seemed to be pushing for more.

             
“What are you doing Selena? We’ve always kept things casual. What’s with the sudden clingy attitude?” She sighed and pouted that pout that was supposed to be cute, but it wasn’t.

             
“Because Jax, casual doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m not getting any younger, I will be twenty-five next month and it’s time for me to settle down. You and I are perfect together. You could move into the apartment with me and sell your house, it is too far out of town anyway. We can build up your business so that I can stop working and don’t freak out,” she gave me a pointed look. Too late, I was already freaking out. “Then we can think about kids. Maybe three, but in the future, like a year or two from now, once your construction company becomes sustainable and you can quit coming in here.” I shook my head and laughed. Clearly Selena misunderstood my humor as she smiled back. The woman was certifiably delusional.              

             
“Okay Selena, I normally wouldn’t be so abrupt with a woman, it’s not my style, but clearly you are no ordinary woman.” Her smile wavered. “You should not have come here tonight, not ever. The way you just glared at Ella with such bitterness was not only inappropriate but childish.”

“She was touching you,”
Selena tried to intercede.

             
“Actually, I was touching her but that makes no difference to us or what I am about to say. I want you to leave. I want you to take your expensive wine that really does taste like piss and get the fuck out of here. I want you to delete my number from your phone and not call me again, ever.” That got rid of her over achieving smile. Now she looked as pissed as I felt. “And this is a
shelter
. Mercy’s Shelter for abused women. Not a fucking warehouse!” I felt better for adding that to my tirade.

             
“How dare you. After everything I have done for you.” I laughed at that one.

             
“Seriously Selena what the hell have you done for me, please enlighten me?” She hadn’t done shit for me and she knew it as she stammered for words.

             
“I was there when you had your nightmares, when you had therapy, I was there for you.” Woop-de-fucken-do. I had nightmares every fucking night and she thought having been witness to a couple granted her some sort of access to my head, to me? As for the therapy, she had absolutely nothing to do with that. That was on me. I dealt with my shit, Selena was nothing but an awkward and uncomfortable spectator in that part of my life.

             
“You know what Selena? I’m not interested in having this argument with you. Just do us both a favor and leave. We both knew what we were doing and it was nothing but an occasional fuck. I’m not at all what you need and lord knows you are definitely not what I need, or want.” I knew that stung her like a bitch. She actually took a step away. Without a backward glance she pushed her shoulders back and left.

             
I threw the dishcloth across the room and took a few deep calming breaths. I couldn’t believe I had spoken to a woman like that, and here of all places. I was pissed at myself for losing my cool, I was pissed at Selena for pushing me, but most of all, I was pissed that she had interrupted the moment between Ella and I. Ella had shown me her scars and it was a big deal. She hid them well, behind her clothing and hair and I wondered how much more of her body was covered in them. The scars up her arms were classic self-harm scars, small and pale. But the nasty rigid scars on her wrists, they had been deep and cut with purpose. They were meant for death and when I looked into Ella’s pleading eyes I knew that she hadn’t done that to herself which meant someone had hurt her, badly. She seemed too young to have been married, so most likely her father or another relative had harmed her, maybe even a boyfriend. I hoped Selena hadn’t destroyed the small bond of trust I had managed to form with Ella. I needed to know more, I needed to know who had done this to her and if the bastard wasn’t already dead or suffering in prison, he soon would be.