Saven Defiance (The Saven Series Book 4) (11 page)

We haven’t spoken more than a few mundane words since the interaction with Ax in the corridor. But I can’t put this off any longer. Perching on the edge of the bed, I fiddle with the steel bands on my wrists.

Logan reaches out and takes my hands. Tilting my chin up, I peer into the beautiful depths of his pleading blue eyes. “No more secrets or lies,” I tell him, smothering my fear. “I didn’t tell you this back in the dungeon because it wasn’t the time or place, but I always intended on telling you at the first opportune moment. It’s important you understand that I’m sharing this because I want to be upfront with you, not because Ax is mad at my omission.”

He squeezes my hand. “I believe you, and after everything you and I have been through, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell me anything. No matter how bad it is, we will get through it together. Because that’s what we do.” Leaning forward, he gently presses his lips to mine, and it’s exactly the shot of courage I need.

“I love you.” I wrap my arms around his neck.

He hauls me into his warm embrace. “And I love you.”

I kiss his cheek before pulling back. “Keep that in mind as you listen. Promise me?”

He raises my hand to his lips and brushes a soft kiss against my knuckle. “I promise.”

I inhale a brave breath and kick off. “So, I already told you that I was held captive on Torc for twelve years. What I didn’t say was how Ax was the main reason I survived the ordeal. He was always there for me.” Logan clenches his jaw. “I had all these hand-drawn pictures on my bedroom wall, full of images of Ax and me. It was only ever the two of us.”

I pause as Logan’s Adam’s apple jumps in his throat. I wet my lips and spur myself on. “We were best friends from the outset, but then Griselda assigned me as his official mate, and our relationship evolved.” A look of horrified understanding washes over Logan’s face. “We are … I mean, we were …” Lord, this is so hard to articulate.

“Boyfriend and girlfriend?” Logan supplies in a strangled tone of voice, drawing the obvious conclusion.

If only it were that simple.

“Yes, but we took it even further than that.”

Logan’s face pales and he holds himself rigidly stiff. He gulps. “What are you saying, Sadie? Who is he to you exactly?”

My heart is hammering in my chest and blood roars in my ears. Butterflies swarm my gut, and I think I might hurl. But I have to get these words out. “He’s my husband, Logan. We were married on Torc before I was returned to Earth.”

Logan stares at me in wide-eyed shock. Every emotion imaginable flits across his face. He is frozen stiff and locked up as tight as a person can be. His mouth opens and closes, and he’s clearly struggling to deal with the bombshell I’ve dropped. I know he needs time to digest it, so I sit patiently while he tries to process it.

I’m actually pretty impressed with him right now. If the tables were turned, and he was admitting that he was married to some other girl, I think I’d be a sodden, hysterical heap at his feet.

Either that or I’d be throwing things around the room.

Or slapping him, or her.

“Did you … have you … slept with him?”

His anguished look rips me apart, but I can’t lie to him. I gently nod. “Apparently, but I don’t remember any of it. Nor do I want to.” I thread my fingers through his cold, stiff ones.

His heartbroken face shreds my insides to pieces. “I’m so sorry, Logan.”

“Where does this leave us?” He peers into my eyes, fear and pain visibly evident in his gaze. “Is there even an ‘us’?” he whispers.

“Nothing has changed, Logan.” I gently cup his face. “I love
you
. I only want to be with
you
. That other me—the one who loved Ax with her whole heart—was from a different lifetime. It’s a version of me that no longer exists. But I have to be honest with you—with both of you—and the truth is I care about him. Deeply. I may not remember my past life with him, but I feel very … protective of him. He spent years caring for me, and I can’t turn my back on him. I can’t do that to him.” I fist my hands in my lap as I look down.

“A part of me understands that, Sadie,” Logan says, tipping my chin up with his finger, “and loves you even more for it. But, how can you think that when he let his mother do those things to you? He should’ve stopped her! You don’t owe him anything.” His features have unfrozen, and he’s looking and sounding more like the Logan I know and love.

“You don’t understand.” I worry my lip between my teeth. “He’s desperate for her approval. She is the only parent he has ever known. From what I’ve seen of my memories, he was always trying to please her, to make her proud. And she treated him appallingly.” I shake my head as I remember things I’ve been shown, things I recall. “Besides Griselda, I’m the only other person he cares about. He was caught in the middle of the two people he loved, and he did his best. He didn’t approve of her plans, and I saw how he fought her for me. He did what he could.”

Logan scans my face, searching for what exactly I’m not sure. He seems remarkably calm now, and while I’m grateful this is going better than expected, I’m still somewhat puzzled. “You don’t seem overly surprised or put out.”

He grunts. “Oh, I’m not happy about this, Angel. Not happy at all, but I saw the way he looked at you when they appeared on the ship, before he kidnapped you. I could tell he loved you; he was incapable of hiding it. And I’ve seen the way he is around you since we escaped. When he put you on the spot out there”—he motions toward the corridor outside—“I had an inkling of where this was going. But marriage? Stars!” He braces his hands behind his head as he blows air out of his mouth. “It was common knowledge at the Heir’s Summit that he had a serious girlfriend back on Torc. You know”—he stares off into space, a quasi-amused look on his face—“he and I never got along, and I remember what I thought the first time I met him.” His eyes pierce mine as he has an “a-ha” moment. “That I didn’t like him because he had something of mine, something that belonged to me. I didn’t realize it back then, but it was you.”

“Really?” I wrap my hand around his wrist. He nods, and my heart melts. That’s one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard. “Logan.” I make soothing, circular shapes on his wrist with my thumb, and he shivers. “The marriage means nothing to me. It changes nothing. Surely, given the circumstances of my abduction, it isn’t legally binding? Griselda was intent on revoking it, and it didn’t seem like a big deal. Is there anything in the Eterno Commandments which prohibits us from bonding because of it?”

“You still want that with me?” Hope blooms in his eyes, and my face softens.

“Of course, I do! I mustn’t be explaining myself properly.” I lower our conjoined hands into my lap and lean into him until our noses are touching. I want him to see deep into my soul when I tell him this. “This is one decision that is completely governed by my heart. My heart can’t lie, and it pines for
you
. It wants only
you
. It craves a future with
you
. Even if someone was to tell me that that marriage is real and binding, I can’t force myself to love him when I love
you
! And I hope when I talk to Ax that he can accept that position too, because surely he can’t want me when I don’t love him like he loves me.” I snag fistfuls of my hair. “It’s awful, and I know it’s going to hurt him, and I hate that, but I can’t live a lie. I won’t. Because that wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”

My chest heaves with compelling emotion, and my control is stretched to the breaking point. I quiver all over as I prepare to make my final admission. “There’s more.”

Logan brows knit together.

“When I was on Torc, I had to say and do things so that he’d believe I was starting to fall for him again.” I hang my head in shame.

Logan caresses my cheek and I look up at him. “Hey. You did what you had to do to escape. I understand that.”

“It was truly awful of me. To play him like that. To betray you like that. I—”

He holds up a hand. “I don’t need to hear all the gory details.” A glimmer of pain flies across his face.

“I didn’t sleep with him,” I rush to reassure him. “It was only kissing, mainly. Ax is a sweet guy, and he didn’t pressure me at all. Which, of course, only makes it worse. And now I feel responsible for him; he is only in this position because of me. Only here because of
me
. Ostracized from his mother and his people because of
me
. I’ve led him to this point on false pretenses, and that was so wrong. He is expecting something that I can no longer give him, and I feel so guilty about how I’ve treated him.” I worry my lip between my teeth.

Logan emits a relieved sigh as he unclasps my stiff fingers and pulls them to his lips. His light touch sends delicious tremors zipping up and down my body, and if ever I needed additional reassurance that I’m making the right decision, that’s it. No one makes me feel all the feels like Logan does. “Don’t feel guilty for any of that. Axton made his own choices, and you did what you had to do to survive. I can relate. It’s how I felt after I was forced into kissing Dali at the ceremony on Amara.” He shivers as if a chill has crawled up his spine.

My eyes scrunch up as I contemplate whether to tell him this next truth. Pulling on my bravery cap, I level him direct in the eye. “It’s not the same thing, Logan.” I slowly shake my head. “When Ax kissed me, when he touched me, I … I had feelings for him. It felt familiar, like some part of me does remember him deep down.”

His tormented eyes probe mine, and I hate that I’ve hurt him. But we made a pact to be completely honest with one another, and this is me staying true to my word. “It wasn’t even a tenth of the way you make me feel,” I add, hoping it will comfort him. “And it doesn’t change what I want or who I want to be with.”

Logan rises and pulls me into his arms. I rest my head on his chest, and the steady beating of his heart soothes me. His lips brush my hair, and I cling to his waist. We stay clinched in our mute embrace for a few minutes until he breaches the silence. “Are you very sure, Sadie?” I ease back a little and look up at him. Sincere eyes meet mine. “While it would destroy me to lose you, you need to ensure you’re making the right call here. Are you sure it’s me you love and not him?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life. I love you. It will only ever be you,” I admit without hesitation.

His mouth devours mine as a thud booms from the corridor outside, causing the walls to lightly quake. Panicked, I break our kiss and race to the door. Yanking it open, I stare, appalled, at the sight of Ax slumped on the floor. His legs are raised at the knees, and his head is in his hands. I drop down on my knees in front of him. “You were listening? Why would you do that?!” I shriek. “I told you I was going to talk to you next.”

He lifts his head, and I gulp at the transparent pain etched all over his face. “I had a sense you were planning to sugarcoat things for me. I knew you’d tell him the truth, and I needed to hear that.”

Tears pool in his eyes, and I’m so ashamed. A strangled sob escapes my mouth. “I’m so sorry, Ax. I truly am.”

“There’s nothing to see here,” Logan says to Alex and Neve. They are standing at the top of the corridor, unspoken questions lingering in the air. “Talk in there.” Logan motions toward the bedroom on the left, and I climb to my feet. Hesitantly, he reaches out to help Ax up.

Ax shoves his hands away. “Get your damned hands off me!” he growls, clambering, unaided, to his feet. Logan’s look is full of compassion, and it swells my heart with pride. “I don’t want your help or your sympathy.” Sidestepping him, he opens the door to the empty bedroom. With his back to me, he says, “And I heard everything I needed to hear. I don’t want to talk to you. I need to be alone.”

He slams the door in my face. Tears cascade over my cheeks as I stand there helplessly. I couldn’t hate myself any more than I do in this moment. I can’t believe he learned the truth like that. I didn’t want him to hear me say those things. I wanted to have the opportunity to let him down more gently. I owed him that much. Swiping my hot tears away, I open the door and storm in. Logan hovers uncertainly in the corridor outside.

Ax is lying face down on the bed, his huge body spread-eagled across the width of the comforter. I rest on the edge of the bed. “Ax, please. Let me explain properly.”

“Please, leave me alone, Sadie. I can’t bear to even look at you right now.” His voice is muffled in the comforter, but the sentiment is relayed loud and clear.

“
Give him some space
,” Logan silently conveys. “
He needs time to come to terms with it
.”

“
I can’t leave things like this between us! What he heard was dreadful. I’ve hurt him so much. I need him to understand how grateful I am for all he’s done for me and that it doesn’t mean I don’t care! He needs to hear that.”

“
And he will, Angel. But even if you told him those things right now, he wouldn’t hear them. He needs to learn to accept this in his own way, in his own time. In the meantime, I think you should respect his wishes
.”

I get up slowly. “I’m really sorry, Ax. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. Let me know when you are up to talking about it. Or if you need anything or …”

Logan gently pulls me out into the corridor. His arms encircle me as he quietly closes the door. I snuggle into his embrace, as a dull ache starts to build behind my eyes. “I’m a terrible person.”

“Ssh, now.” He runs his hands up and down my back. “You know you’re not. You’re a good person who has been placed in a terrible situation. And I know you’ll do the right thing by him.”

Resting my hands on his chest, I look into his earnest face. “I will. I made a promise to my old self that I would keep both of you safe, and I don’t intend on breaking it.” I switch to mindspeak, fearful of Ax overhearing something else he shouldn’t. “
I know it’s not going to be easy to be in the same space together. God knows it’s already ten million levels of awkward, but we have to try. I can’t walk away from him, Logan. I can’t leave him on his own.”

He leans down and kisses my cheek.
“I’ll try to understand that, but you might want to reconsider. Perhaps it would be easier for him if he was separated from us? If he didn’t have to see us together all the time?”