Sarah Vaughan is Not My Mother: A Memoir of Madness (21 page)

I stomp out for my last smoke in what may be the last night I spend here. I think of the nurses here and some of the nurses down there and I decide it's all a game. They are just out to make me crumble. I look around for sharp instruments that might aid my suicide but my voice is telling me not to do it yet. I decide I have nothing to live for, no family, no friends. I see the moon and turn away. I stare at the blackness of the ground. The voice speaks to me and says, “You won't be there that long and there are no barbed-wire fences there to stop you running away.” My meds start kicking in. I slowly head to my room, hit the pillow and fall asleep.

 

When I wake up it's morning. Waris tells me to eat breakfast as I'm meeting the doctors. I don't feel like the crowd at breakfast so I go and sit on the seat in the middle of the grass and try to see a positive way through what's happening. One of the hardest things about being Sectioned is that everybody has a say on your care except you. It's as though you are not even human.

I suck all the life out my cigarette and head into the dining room. I take the fruit off my tray and give the rest back. I can see Lester and Fiona out of the corner of my eye. I pretend I don't see them and walk out. Just as I get to the smokers' room Fiona catches up. “What's up?” I look up and say, “They're moving me to another institution.” I feel tears welling up in my eyes and I try to brush them with my sleeve. She says, “Oh hun, we better sit down.”

We sit in our usual spot.

“Where are you going?”

“Fucken Dunedin. I get no say in anything. Wish they would let me look after myself.”

When I went to Ashburn at twenty-one it was my first proper experience of a psychiatric institution. I pretty much hated every minute of it. I was in a heightened state of anxiety and paranoia. I felt that everyone, staff and patients, were set up to torture me. I became anorexic and dropped to forty-two kilos. Being there was like my rock bottom. I couldn't make decisions over simple things, most importantly what to eat. I could barely boil a kettle for a cup of coffee.

Fiona lights up her smoke and I light mine. She says, “I will miss you and I'll give you my number. I can't believe they are sending you all the way to Dunedin.”

“Well, they've done it before, they can do it again,” I say. I tell Fiona how I stayed at Ashburn for five months and then ran away. I'd lost heaps of weight and had to disguise this so I wore a big jacket. It was winter and freezing. I could sense myself getting worse and worse and felt I needed to get out. I got a taxi to the airport and after I arrived in Wellington I stayed with the family of a friend I had made at Ashburn.

“You must be a master at escaping institutions,” Fiona says. “How long do you have to be there this time?”

“I'm not sure but it's always longer than the doctors say.”

I feel calmer for having talked to Fiona. Waris comes over and says, “Darling, don't hate me.” I smile and say, “Don't send me and you'll be forgiven.”

Waris says, “It won't be as bad as you think. Now, have a shower and come find me.”

I shower and put on my jeans and a hoodie. I go out and see Lester. He says, “Oh babe, you're leaving. What am I going to do without you?”

We give each other a hug and I say, “I haven't left yet.”

 

Waris comes. “It's time. They're there.” We go into the same room in the day hospital as last time. Dr Aso is there with a junior doctor.

Waris and I sit on the couch. Dr Aso says, “Well, Waris has probably told you that we have decided on Ashburn for you. You are still very unwell and not ready to receive care in the community. However, I can see a change in you and that you're improving. You have appropriate shoes on and you're not dressed in your pyjamas.”

I stay calm. “How long would you expect me to be there?”

“We are thinking up to three months or more, depending on your progress. You will be leaving on a plane tomorrow morning, so we expect you to pack up your room today.”

I look at him and start tracing his face with my eye, trying to figure out why this is happening to me.

Waris says, “I will take you all the way there and get you checked in.”

Dr Aso says, “I know this is against your wishes but we can't do anything more for you here.”

“Okay, thank you,” I say, hiding my anger.

The doctors leave the room and Waris says, “It's going to be for the better.”

“Yeah.”

“Also, they are drug-testing you this afternoon so you won't be able to go out.”

“Oh really? I haven't got many clothes to wear down there. I need some thermals. It gets cold.”

“Of course. Maybe Robyn could take you to The Warehouse tonight.”

“I was hoping to go myself today but I guess that would be all right.”

“Things are going to get better, I promise.”

It feels as though my life is a living nightmare. I am sure that hopping in and out of institutions is not a life for me. I think of the people I know who have a better life.

Waris says, “I'll give you a hand with your room later.”

I go into my room and look through my clothes drawers. All I have are pyjamas and men's shorts and singlets. I decide not to wear these again because they will remind me of being here. I don't even have a bag to put them in.

Waris comes in and I say, “I don't want to wear these. Maybe I can leave them here.”

“Okay, darling, leave them with me and get yourself something tonight. Take your toothbrush and shampoo.”

“Should I mop the floor?”

“No,” she says, “the cleaners can take care of that. Remember to take your pictures.”

I take down my pictures, and I sit on the bed and look at how bare the room is without them, and how naked it looks without the Coke cans and fruit. I walk out to make a coffee and I see Fiona. “Oh wow,” she says, looking into my room, “it looks bare. Are you excited to be going on an adventure?”

“That's one way to see it,” I say. We walk through the double doors that I usually kick open when I'm on my own. “It feels like what I want doesn't matter. The doctor reckons I'm too unwell to stay here.”

“That doesn't make sense. You seem fine to me, certainly one of the most well here.”

We go outside and talk. Although I don't want to go away, I feel that maybe it's a step forward.

Fiona looks around and says, “Wonder where Lester is. I know he would want to say goodbye.”

“I'm here all day. Have to do a drug test.”

“Oh no, you smoked weed yesterday.”

“I'm not too worried. I'll be gone by the time they get the results.”

Fiona laughs. “You really don't care, do you.”

“No, not really. So what to them. What's wrong with a bit of cannabis?”

Fiona and I continue to laugh. Waris comes over and says “Oh, you're happy again That's good to see. Robyn will take you to The Warehouse at seven.”

“Okay, cool.”

“And I just want you to know we are all going to miss you.”

I smile at Waris. “Thanks. I hope for the best for you and everyone too.”

Waris walks away and Fiona says, “Shall we check out lunch?”

I think to myself that the last thing I feel like is lunch, after being so sick the day before.

We get our trays and I grab the soup and ignore the rest. We go outside. Fiona eats her macaroni and cheese and I have a coffee. I don't have much to say because I'm thinking a lot about the fact it's my last day in the ward. I've been here for so long I've watched the seasons change.

“I'm pretty worried about what the people will be like in Dunedin,” I say.

“I'd be worried too, but at least you seem to be feeling better about it,” Fiona says.

“I'm a bit worried I will lose touch with the people I know up here.”

When I say I'm worried about the people I'm leaving behind, I'm really worried about being stranded in Dunedin with no drug contacts.

Lester comes over. “When are they chucking you on the plane out of here?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Tomorrow morning. So soon.”

“The doctors say they can't do anything more for me. They think I'm still really unwell.”

“Well fuck them! I hope you're going to be all right.”

I look over and see Waris coming towards me. “Time for your drug test, MaryJane.”

I follow her back to the nurses' station, where a nurse called Claire gives me a scoop and a plastic tube. “I'll work it out,” I say. I go into the bathroom and fill the plastic tube with water. I figure if they ask me for another one it won't be until tomorrow and by then the opiates will be out of my system.

I give the pottle back to Claire, who's wearing a blue V-neck top. I identify her instantly as being part of a bad nationalist group.

She says, “It's all water.”

“Sorry, that's all I can give you today. Test it and find out.”

I walk away and snigger to myself. I'm starting to get bored waiting to go. I decide to smoke the weed, which will hopefully make me tired. I roll it in my room and then pace back and forth in the yard, hoping the smell won't linger. I see Jeremiah at the end of the grass. He's not playing guitar the way he normally is. He says, “Got some for me?” I give him the rest of the joint and go back to my room. The smoke kicks in the opiates of the day before and I lie down in my bed in a state of ecstasy. I pop in some eye drops, relax and sing one of my songs. The voice talks to me quite forcefully, saying that I am black and not white. My mother's voice comes in and says she will tell me what to buy tonight and to rest on my bed until then. I shut my eyes because I've no pictures to look at, just a bare wall, and a barren ground with nothing inspiring to find, except maybe some dust.

I start planning what I'll do when I leave Ashburn. I decide to hold on to my passport so I can go overseas straight from Dunedin.

Waris comes in and says, “Oh, you're resting.”

“Not much else to do,” I say.

“I was just coming to see if there was anything more to pack. I can help you make a list of what you might need.”

“I can do that,” I say, noticing the red and black pattern on Waris's dress. It stands out in the blank white and green room. “Well, dinner will be here soon, so be good if you ate it.”

Waris walks out and I start making a list of things I need: socks, warm pants, hoodie, warm singlets and soap. I go outside to look for Lester and Fiona but they aren't around. I smoke and walk around the grass thinking about how this is my last night here. I pray I never have to come back again.

I see people heading for dinner. I'm quite hungry so I line up. Fiona comes and says, “Hi” and lines up with me. I get my dinner, which is stew, and grab some bread. I wait for Fiona and we go outside with our trays.

“What did you get up to today?” Fiona says.

“Oh, I was tired after the drug test so I just lay in my room, smoked the rest of my stuff.”

“Fair enough. I know I would be doing that if I had some.”

I think about this. My experience in psych wards has shown me that a high percentage of people in them are after illicit drugs, either to escape from their current situation or get away from the trauma of their past, where they have been abused. Many people are unaware of, or in denial about, the fact they have a mental illness and the last place they want to be is in a psych ward. There is not much the doctors can do to get any of us to change our ways.

Fiona looks into her meal and counts three little pieces of beef in a whole lot of sauce. “Look how stingy they are; this is what we have to eat.”

“Oh, but we must be punished. We walk around strangely.”

Fiona laughs. “Well I'm not eating that,” she says, pointing with her knife at the dark brown stew. “Yuk, look at it.” She takes her food and throws it in the bin. “Hope you get better food at Ashburn.”

“I didn't eat much when I was last down there. You get a range of cereal at breakfast.”

“Oh, cool.”

Lester comes over and joins us. “Babe, are we going to keep in touch when we leave here?”

“Sure we can,” I say. I reflect on the many times I've said that to people. I usually don't keep in touch with people from the wards I've been in. With that in mind I say goodbye and tell them I'm off to The Warehouse.

Waris walks into the smokers' lounge at the same time I do. I walk over all the butts and ash on the ground and ignore Jo, who's sitting in the corner looking sad.

Waris says, “I was just coming to get you. You ready?”

“Um, have you got my card?”

“No, you have that, and tomorrow before you leave we'll grab your cell phone. It would be nice if you could keep in touch with your family. Your sister just rang.”

“Oh. Yep. Cool. Maybe I'll ring when I'm down there. I'll go and get my bag.”

I look in my bag and go through all the notebooks to make sure they're safe. Waris comes in and says, “We have your ID so I'll give that to you in the morning as well.”

I follow Waris to the nurses' station and meet Robyn. I recognise her from when she smokes outside the smokers' room but I don't know her well so I don't say much.

We get into a little white car slightly bigger than a Mini, with Capital Coast Health stickers on the doors. At The Warehouse we walk around the women's clothing but it's just flowery low-cut tops, not what I'm after. I head to the men's section and pick out some black polar-fleece trackpants. Robyn says, “Oh, they're good. You'll need them: they're warm.” I find a black hoodie to try on, then I go back to the women's section and find some warm singlets, one white and another pink and grey stripe.

I try on all the clothes in the changing room and deliberate over how many singlets to get. The voice says, “You need all of them.” I obey, get dressed and go to the checkout with Robyn. “Oh, I'll just grab some soap.” I go and get the soap and I'm done.