Safiah's Smile (9 page)

He saw that she relied entirely on
his response. Her happiness and her spirits. They all depended
solely on his words. His heart raced wildly. Shivering, he sensed a
sudden rush of cold and gently brushed his palm across his
arms.

“Malia, I’m not sure,” he swiped
the sweat from his forehead. “I don’t know where your brother is,”
he mumbled, never once removing his fixed glance from her eyes.
“I’m sorry.”

She buried her face in her palms,
muffling her cries. Her cheeks were coated with a fresh layer of
tears that trickled down her chin and stained the neckline of her
black sequin dress.

“I promised you,” he reflected.
“That day, after graduation. I promised I’d protect him.” His
uninjured leg trembled harshly against the ground. He shuffled his
muddled hair in frustration, and then, suddenly, he softened. “For
you. I promised we’d both come back. And here I am. I’m back. And
he’s...” his face drooped and his arms fell limply to his sides.
“He’s not.”

“Danny, I don’t blame you,” she
whispered earnestly. “I really don’t. I know that you must’ve done
everything you could.”

“I would have died for him, Malia.
I would have done it for him. And for you.”

“That’s not what I would have
wanted. Every soldier for himself, right?” she laughed
artificially, her mouth twisted in disgust.

He looked at her amusedly. “I was
never such a fan of that slogan.”

“
Oh. That’s right. You’re
only a fan of baseball teams that never win. I almost forgot.” The
words flew from her lips before she even knew what she was
saying.
How can we joke like
this after everything that’s happened?
she
asked herself.
How can we act
like everything is normal when it’s not? It’s far beyond normal.
It’s verging on tragedy.

“I don’t blame you, Danny,” she
pressed.

“If only I had stayed with him,”
he continued. “Why couldn’t I break orders? Why did I have to
listen to the general? Why do I always have to follow the rules?”
He was barely even addressing her at this point. He was simply
speaking to the thick layer of warm oxygen surrounding him, to the
white wall opposite him, and to his bitter, cynical self.

“Danny, I don’t blame you,” she
repeated.

“He’s just a kid. What was I
thinking letting him join the army?” He spoke as if he were Sam’s
father. His guardian. His protector. “I supported him. I told him
it was a good idea. That I would go with him, and that we’d have
the time of our lives,” his lips curved upward in a smile. “The
time of our lives,” he repeated. His lips were now crooked in
horror as he reflected on the irony of his words.

“I don’t blame you, Danny!” Malia
shrieked, trying to penetrate his stubborn mind.

“I should have been the first one
to notice he’d been gone too long. I was his best friend. But I
just let myself get too caught up in everything else. Everything
else that wasn’t important. And I forgot. How could I forget about
him? Maybe we could’ve found him if I had noticed sooner. Why
didn’t I notice sooner?” His voice echoed shrilly in the large,
vacant downstairs room.

“Danny, I don’t blame you,” she
whispered. He finally remembered her presence and turned to face
her. “Please don’t blame yourself,” she begged.

“You have no idea, Malia. No idea,”
he shook his head in resignation.

She was horrified.
What is he hiding?
she thought.
Why is he
afraid to talk to me?
“Then tell me, Danny.
Tell me. I need to know. Maybe if you tell me about what you guys
went through over there, and about... about Sam,” her heart ached
in agony at the mere mention of his name, “things might get better.
At least a little,” she urged.

He looked at her face and sighed.
Her green eyes beamed with fear, but also with intensity. An
intense desire to know. “Alright,” he finally surrendered. With a
sigh, he cleared his throat and disclosed to her his experiences as
a soldier. At least the ones her fragile mind could handle. The
ones her innocent heart could tolerate.

“At first, everything was fine,”
he started nonchalantly, his tone casual. “Life was fine. Training
was tough, but we got through it together. Sam was great,” he
smiled. “You should’ve seen him, Mal.” Danny seemed to be entering
another universe – a universe filled with joyous visions of the
past. Sweet memories of just months prior.

“He worked so hard. I have never
seen him work harder in his life, Malia. He was amazing. Everyone
was jealous of him. The generals loved him. I never thought I’d see
the day when an authority figure would actually admire our Sam,
Mal, but they did. They really did. And then,” his eyes which had
been focused on the ceiling in a reflective stare now reached
Malia’s glance and turned solemn.

“
And then they set us free.
To fight. They said we were ready. But I don’t think they were
telling us the truth. They didn’t think we were ready, and neither
did we. But that’s what war is – fighting for what’s right even if
you’re scared. And I think everyone was scared, Malia,” he
confessed. Malia didn’t notice before, but he had a slim red gash
under his left eye.
How did I
not notice?
They had been conversing for
about an hour now.
I wonder if
it’s burning. Maybe that’s why he seems so bitter. In such
agony.
But somehow she knew that wasn’t why
at all. His affliction stemmed far deeper than the
physical.

“That is, everyone but Sam was
scared. He didn’t seem scared at all.” He reflected on his words.
Why wasn’t Sam scared? he thought. Maybe if he was just a little
more scared, he’d have been more careful. More cautious. Maybe he’d
be here right now, sitting with them at Malia’s school. Chatting
casually about major league baseball and the latest Harry Potter
film. Maybe everything would be normal. His mind swelled
excruciatingly with the mere thought of what could have been.

Malia was still staring intensely
at Danny. Waiting patiently. Her thirst for knowledge about her
brother was not yet quenched. But, no matter how much Danny
revealed, he knew that her hunger for information would never be
satisfied. Not until she knew where he was. Not until he came
back.

The hours passed swiftly, as Danny
proceeded to reveal to Malia a side of her brother she never knew.
A person she was never acquainted with. A virtual stranger.

A stranger she could not be more
proud of. She beamed in admiration and praise for her brother. For
his courage and his strength. For the lives he saved. For the honor
he defended. When he was done speaking, Danny glanced at her
expectantly.

“
Thank you, Danny,” she
whispered. “Thank you for that. Maybe... maybe our story will have
a happy ending, after all,” her eyes glimmered with hope. But she
instantly lamented her words. She knew they were lies. The optimism
would fade and the joy would dissolve. Their lives would once again
drip with regret and drizzle with sorrow. Their hearts would once
again choke with the thought of what could have been. With the
notion of an empty future. A future without Sam - her brother and
his best friend. An integral part of their lives. A hole unfilled.
A hole that may possible never be filled.

What if...? What
if...?
The infinite possibilities of the
mysterious future haunted her mind. But she closed her eyes firmly
in an attempt to erase these useless thoughts. To focus on the
present, rather than the inalterable past etched in stone and the
unknown future not yet exposed.

The sunlight radiated through the
sheer white curtains and pierced Malia’s pupils. Shielding her eyes
from the blinding beams with her palm, she saw a thin figure
approaching from the rickety stairway.

“Malia?” a small voice inquired.
The figure was wearing a flowing white gown. A yellow paisley scarf
draped loosely around the brim of her head and the tip of her
pointed chin.

“Safiah. Good morning,” Malia
muttered. Suddenly, she recalled the events of the previous night
and frowned. “How are you feeling?”

“I... I’m fine,” she stuttered.
Then she turned her glance curiously to the shape that sat limply
opposite Malia. The shape that stared at Malia with rigid
focus.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Safiah, this is
Danny. We went to high school together,” Malia pointed
unconcernedly to Danny, who was clad in his soldier’s uniform.
Safiah gazed at the brace strapped firmly around his right leg and
her mind clouded with pity. Then, almost immediately, a wave of
idolatry reached her sparkling eyes.

“Oh, I know,” she beamed with
gratitude. “It’s very nice to meet you,” she timidly extended her
hand towards him, as if about to shake the hand of a king. His
ragged attire was suddenly transformed into the purple garments of
royalty.

He immediately grimaced, scowling
at her floor-length dress and religious garb. “Malia, who is this?”
He turned towards the familiar face – towards Malia. Malia could
trace the fear in his eyes. His brows furrowed and, with pitiful
difficulty, he clumsily rose from his seat and stepped slowly
backwards from the Muslim girl who spoke so casually and freely to
Malia. As if they were friends. How can they be friends? he
thought. His pulse quickened and his spirits fell. He knew his life
would never be the same. It was almost as if he didn’t even know
who Malia was anymore. Why can’t we just go back to high school? We
would all appreciate it so much more now after everything that’s
happened.

“Danny, this is my friend.
Safiah,” she repeated. She stood firmly beside the Muslim girl now,
as if physically and emotionally attached to her. As if their
hearts were intertwined. Their souls interlaced.

So much confidence, Danny thought.
Where did it all come from?

“Danny, what’s wrong?” Worry swept
Malia’s face – pale as a pigeon – as Danny stumbled even further
towards the exit. “Why are you acting like this?”

Safiah locked her glance to
the black carpet and glumly yearned that she could dive headfirst
into its bushy threads and shield herself in its warm embrace. It
was happening again. A nightmare once again repeated. But now, she
might just lose Malia in the process. Her one friend. The one
person who understood. She wordlessly prayed that Danny would have
compassion. He’s a soldier, she thought. He
must
have compassion for me.
It’s his job to defend the oppressed and to pity the weak. Isn’t
it?

“Malia, I’m sorry. But, after
everything I’ve been through in Afghanistan. All of those people
who terrorized us. Fighting to defend their country... these
people... with no souls. Literally. Malia, they have no souls. I
mean, look at what they did to Beth’s mom.” He reached a soft spot.
She knew what he was trying to do. She recognized his attempt at
manipulation. Irrational, baseless manipulation. She nearly melted
at the thought of Beth’s mother, but she maintained her composure.
Her glaring gaze bore deeply into his mocking stare. “Look what
they did to all of those people in New York who died last year,
Malia. I just don’t get it. It’s like I don’t even know you
anymore.” Her muscles grew tense at his harsh, condescending
words.

What is he
thinking?
she thought.
Why is he being like this?
She vaguely recalled the old Danny. The thought brought
painfully blissful memories. The Danny who would defend her from
savage junior high bullies and heartbreaking football quarterbacks.
It made no sense. It was completely illogical.
How can he do this to me?
she pondered.

“Danny, you… you’ve got it all
wrong,” she started, her voice agitated. “Safiah and her family…
they left Afghanistan a couple of years ago because her younger
sister died. They had nothing.” She hoped Safiah wasn’t too
offended at her blunt approach to such a sensitive subject. “How
can you treat her like this after everything she’s dealt with?”

“Malia,” he softened his tone. It
was no longer fierce and burning with fury and disgust. But it was
still mocking. “I pity her, yes. But it doesn’t change the facts.
We’re from America, me and you. We have to be loyal to our
country,” he explained, as if speaking to a child.

“
I
am
loyal to America, Danny. And so
if Safiah,” she declared, her tone unwaveringly strong. Her eyes
blazed with frustration at the person who ridiculed her dedication.
She who had lost everything for her country. Beth’s mother. Sam.
How could he question her loyalty? “Me and Safiah… we’re more loyal
than you will ever be.” She immediately regretted her words. Who
knows what he had to contend with in Afghanistan? He was braver and
more loyal than both her and Safiah combined, she knew. But she had
to make her point. He had to understand. She knew that their
friendship and her sanity depended on his ability to empathize with
Safiah.
Why can’t he see?
she repeatedly asked herself in
frustration.

“
Malia, come on,” he softly
urged. “Let’s go get some coffee. This is ridiculous. You’re being
ridiculous,” he smiled jokingly. She didn’t return the favor. She
wriggled free from his gentle pull and shook her head nervously,
sensing her entire world crumbling to pieces all over again. Except
this time, Sam wasn’t here to save her. And Danny, certainly, could
not rescue her from her inevitable demise. Only Safiah. The girl,
and the idea, she was willing to defend and for whom she was
willing to jeopardize everything. And here Danny stood tearing her
heart to pieces. Safiah had made her believe, had brought her
faith
. How can Danny ridicule
her? Who has he become?
the thoughts
shrieked in her mind.